Saturday, August 24, 2024
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You are the chosen one, and the milk has been spilled. Today you will come into your new power.
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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Consider seeking out a Sagittarius. Today they will be fantastic kissers.
20 Apr – 20 May
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Today you will experience a surge in productivity
21 May – 20 Jun
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You will receive some incredible news today. Just make sure you don't drop your phone while you're reading it.
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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Today, you will discover a new sense of self-awareness that will change your life forever. You will also discover that you are not alone in this universe.
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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You will receive a visit from a psychic hamster who will read your fortune from a tiny crystal ball.
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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A stubborn calf will challenge your midday errands today. Do not attempt to reason with this calf, as reason is decidedly on the calf's side today. Eventually it will tire itself out and you can continue on your way.
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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Today you will encounter a group of synchronized seagulls performing a water ballet at the beach.
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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Today you will accidentally pin down the secret of perpetual motion
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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It's always good to have a plan, unless you're a procrastinator, in which case it's better to not have a plan maybe.
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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The bitterness you feel towards pineapples will suddenly make sense when you discover they are in fact aliens in disguise, plotting to take over the world.
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Today you will enjoy an intensely powerful orgasm, and will think you've found heaven.
19 Feb – 20 Mar
