Today you will discover that you've gone an entire day without being penalised for a missed deadline
Today you will discover a hidden talent for knitting tiny sweaters for garden gnomes.
The best things in life are free. Especially if you stole them.
You will meet your soulmate today, and they will be covered in hair.
You will receive a mysterious package containing a talking cactus.
Find a fairy altar and allow nature spirits to influence your decisions
Today you will accidentally dye your hair neon green.
Today you will receive an unsolicited visit from your son and daughter in-law and will not be allowed to leave until you've finished eating all of their home cooked meals.
Don't step on the broken glass today.
You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.
Recreate a freemason ritual in your spare bedroom
Beware of falling acorns—they are plotting a squirrel uprising.
]]>Today you'll suddenly feel like taking a break from the fast-paced modern world. Remember to embrace the moment.
Today you will realize it's the opening day of spring semester and you're unprepared
Today you will eat a delicious slice of pie and will start dating a bartender
You have a Leo friend who is as sweet as candy. Today, try and sell that candy.
Today you will be told that one of your ancestors is a Roman emperor
Take what you can from others, because they will surely take from you. Then burn everything and start over.
You will be very popular today. Everyone will want to be your friend.
Don't give a Leo advice, they already know everything.
Today you will finally qualify to be a contestant on TV game shows
Today you will be married for 7 years, but with a tiny man
We will teach you never to lie and now you will discover an unexpectedly artistic vein deep inside of you
Today you will accidentally oversleep and will miss the very important meeting you were expected to attend
]]>You are the chosen one, and the milk has been spilled. Today you will come into your new power.
If you don't like a book, just remember, you don't have to finish it.
Today you will realize the label shaped' doesn't exist, and that you've been mislabeling ovals as oblongs for all your adult life
You still play with LEGO.
A bear will stop your ladder climbing today.
It is time to wash your hands. You will also need to wash your shoes.
After years of work, you will finally be invited to exhibit at the Louvre
Today you will decide you don't need to go to work, and will decide to stay at home instead
For those of you who live in the countryside, do not fear. There is no need to take your vegetables inside tonight, they will not be afraid of the cold.
Try to eat a breakfast made entirely of candy today.
It'll be tough, but you'll fix that hinge today.
You are a force to be reckoned with. So go out and reckon with something.
]]>There is a journey to be taken, and you are the only one who can take it. Ask yourself, "Do I want to?"
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized cows performing a ballet in the middle of a field.
You will receive a mysterious package containing a magic wand. Practice your spells wisely.
Today you will create an incredible fresh and spicy salad dressing
When you wake up today, take a few minutes to plan something nice for yourself. Then, get right back into bed.
Today you will meet a girl at a festival who will convince you to hug her
Today you will finally be regarded as both a domestic god and a vegetable revolutionary
Your trousers will all perish in a surprise wildfire
Have you ever wanted to make a blanket fort? Today is the day!
Face your anxious mother-in-law with a grin and a box of chocolates
Ever wanted to go on a blind date? Well, they're not all bad. Just remember to wear your glasses.
If you ever wanted to buy a boat, now is the perfect time.
]]>Try to be chill like a cucumber today.
Today you will be possessed by the spirit of a walrus
Burn calories with firewise advice from a British earl
Today you will be thrust into a dual universe where everything is made of stone, and there will be no change
Learn horsemanship skills to impress a Taurus rider lol
You will accidentally unlock your talents for spontaneous self combustion. Unleash the passion within!
Your attempt to speak Spanish will end with your singing it at the wrong pitch and out of tune.
Feel the speed of a light-bringer Libra
Today you will take a self-assessment test. The results will surprise you. They will also be wrong.
Don't bother taking an umbrella with you today. It's going to be a bright and sunny day. Unless it isn't.
Today you will get fired from a job you don't like doing because you were once fired from an identical job
Beware of rogue pineapples plotting to take over the fruit aisle at your local grocery store.
]]>Today, you will transform your hand into a genie lamp, granting you wishes with pure awesome power. Check if you can reverse its effects.
Did you ever want to see a parade of turtles? Of course you did! That's why you're so excited about the one that's coming to your city this weekend!
In an unlikely turn of events, you'll encounter a street magician whose tricks are eerily accurate in predicting your favourite dessert.
Today you will wake up right after getting home from work
You have always wanted to try paragliding. Today is the day.
Your alarm clock will start playing soothing lullabies to gently wake you up in the morning. Embrace the musical mornings!
A flock of seagulls will gather outside your window and sing you a song.
While running on the treadmill, you will suddenly fly into your ceiling.
Today you should take a road trip.
You have always felt a special connection to ants. Today you will feel that connection even more.
All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them.
Have you been eating bananas? That's good for you, you know.
]]>A new career as a DJ may be in the cards for you, but only if you're ready to make the leap.
Watch out for baby goats in trees today.
A squirrel will steal your sandwich right out of your hands.
You will dream about a sheep today. It will have a significant meaning.
Today you will finally understand what being bored is all about
Today you will experience the loss of your sense of smell
Today you will realize why people always laugh at your definition of "boring"
Your bed is haunted, but only when you're alone.
Today you will decide not to be afraid of heights
You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.
Today you will find out you're a chimera pretending to craft meadows
Listen to the rain tapping on the roof tiles from your bedroom window
]]>A new adventure awaits you, but first, you must answer the call of nature.
Dance with a librarian
A group of fireflies will light up your path during an evening stroll. Embrace the enchanting glow.
A stray cat will adopt you as its personal masseuse. Expect purrfection.
The longer you stare at a blank wall, the more likely it is to have something written on it.
Your pet goldfish will reveal its true identity as a reincarnated pirate seeking buried treasure.
You're an onion. You have layers.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent dolphin. Prepare for deep conversations in the ocean.
Today you'll find yourself baking an epic pie, but will be frustrated by how difficult it is to cut it into slices.
Uncover a portal to a parallel universe where con prints don't work on file cabinets.
You'll spend hours trying to get rid of a sticky substance that is somehow stuck to your hand.
You will have a great idea today.
]]>I have seen the future and it is jeans.
It’s not just a phase.
Today you will decide to order Chinese food, and you'll make a great decision on what to order.
A flock of flamingos will serenade you with a chorus of your favourite songs. Enjoy the flamboyant performance!
A bird will fly into your house today. It will have a message for you.
This is your invitation to the party. Today, any and all your pathetic excuses for why you haven't followed your dreams can finally be laid to rest.
If you see a black raven, consider it a sign.
You have a unique talent! Use it to win the goldfish lottery.
Today, you'll uncover a forgotten box of childhood keepsakes, filled with trinkets that hold sentimental value and bring a warm smile to your face.
Today you will accidentally pin down the secret of perpetual motion
Attend a quinceañera with the ultimate chianti burger
You'll find a semi-sentient cookie that will charm you with its crafty personality.
]]>You've just inherited an enormous castle in France. Be sure to take lots of selfies!
Wrestle with a ninja Aquarius
During the night you will hear voices and will wonder if they're coming from the walls
Don't be alarmed when your sofa cushions start attacking you.
Don't go to work! There's a small chance of an alien invasion, and you don't want to be anywhere near the office in the event of an alien takeover.
Today you will stop looking at clocks and then realize you've spent an entire week living in a completely different world
Prepare for a surprising twist during your daily commute when you stumble upon a hidden underground disco club on the subway.
Today you will befriend a magical dragon who will become your loyal companion. Get ready for epic adventures!
Today you'll try to dye your hair purple, but it'll come out pink.
Today you'll meet a politician. It'll be a boring conversation.
Today you will be well acquainted with the subject of bugs
Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.
]]>Today you will learn that it's impossible to cross your legs in the same position twice in a row
You will find a mysterious key that unlocks doors to fantastical realms. Prepare for magical encounters and thrilling quests.
You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.
A rival is out there. This will become a huge bummer for them.
Today you will happen upon an unworldly metal tree.
You will receive a call from a number you don't recognise.
Today you will win the lottery at least twice
Your weekend's worth of planning has worked out, and you're going to have a great weekend! ...Just as soon as you've gotten over this weekend.
Today you'll accidentally turn into a mermaid every time water touches your skin. Just add water!
Today you'll discover a rotating cylindrical object in your garage, leading to an exciting chase through the past.
You have a big heart, and you should treat it with care. For example, don't use it to try and carry anvils.
Today you will make a friend with a pumpkin, and will realize that it's the cutest thing ever.
]]>A groundhog in the distance will think you look like a tree, do not let this bother you.
You're the type of person who likes to take the scenic route.
Your mother will suddenly appear and demand you submit your tax returns. Do it now!
If you are feeling queasy, try drinking a glass of ginger beer.
You are more likely to get a hug today than a cup of coffee.
There's no point to this, but it's a good laugh.
Sometimes, the best way to solve a problem is to take a nap. Today is one of those days.
Experience saltspray with toppled dominos
There is a meerkat watching and it will come for you
Time to put away your stamp collection. You'll never finish it anyway.
Today, you'll suddenly find yourself addicted to exotic oils from an unusual massage parlor, causing you to check the expiration dates on all your moisturisers.
You will meet a nice bisexual
]]>You will find yourself transported to a parallel universe where everyone wears tuxedos
There are multiple reasons why your personal life has been so exhausting lately. At least one of them is that you have an abnormally high number of unpaid speeding tickets.
Today, you're going to discover you've been paying your bills twice as long as everyone else.
Take an ionizing shower with a Virgo
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized seagulls performing a water ballet at the beach.
All your abandoned pasta and rice will finally have a chance to shine in an original dish you create today!
Today you will notice a divine symmetry in nature, and will have a great revelation
Today you will receive a divorce summons from a lawyer you now find extremely attractive, but you're not married.
A bubble will appear on your ceiling today.
You'll suddenly be awakened to an unfamiliar magical world, granting you powers that would seem useless
You'll pinch yourself until you feel like you're dreaming
If you're an ant, then today is your lucky day.
]]>Don't buy any houses today. If you do, they'll be haunted.
Forgive vampires for being distrustful.
You will accidentally unlock the ability to communicate with plants. Prepare for insightful conversations with your leafy friends.
Today you will accidentally provoke a dog and a mailman into dancing with each other while you hide indoors
You'll win an award for "Most Improved" at something today.
A mischievous leprechaun will guide you to a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Don't forget to share!
You are an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, inside a mystery. Unravel yourself and see what's inside!
You should do some kind of artistic expression today.
You're going to be awesome today. Unless you're not. But even if you're not, you're still going to be pretty great.
Your favourite pair of shoes will mysteriously start tap dancing whenever you wear them.
That would be a big plate of…bread.
A rainbow will follow you everywhere you go today, spreading joy and glitter.
]]>Not feeling well? Have a drink and sleep it off.
Your Toyotomi will turn into a robo-car, demanding you take him on a road trip. Embrace the robot adventure.
It might be nice to go outside, just be sure to wear sunscreen.
Today, you'll stumble upon an unusually long line at the post office, only to discover it's a secret audition for a reality show about patience.
Your partner is the one who will put the salad on the table in front of you today. Do not worry, they will make it a lovely one.
If a seahorse tries to sell you an oceanfront cabin, run away.
You may never know when you will need a big bag of extra-strength deodorant. So just keep one on hand at all times.
Embrace your inner child as you stumble upon a hidden stash of glitter-filled balloons during a routine closet cleanout.
People will call you a socialist if you order a set meal at a restaurant today.
Today you will be visited by a famous archaeologist – but she has terrible ideas about fancy dress. Lose the mustache.
You will be visited by a spirit from another realm.
A Leprechaun will ask for your help today.
]]>Beware of rogue garden hoses conspiring to create a water park in your backyard. Grab your swimsuit and join the fun!
You'll suddenly realize you hate all the things you've been using to cut your hair.
A bat will fly into your home through the window today.
It's hard to be humble when you're an Aries.
If you mimic a galloping horse in your sleep, you will have big dreams.
It's always good to have a plan, unless you're a procrastinator, in which case it's better to not have a plan maybe.
Start a band called "The 9th of July".
It might rain chocolate today.
Today you will miss your bus and will wonder how you ended up here
Don't forget to stop and smell the roses today. Unless you're in a rush, then it's probably not worth it.
In ancient cultures, you were seen as the sun and the moon. In modern times, you are seen as a shadowy figure, often in the background, rarely in the spotlight. Today, you can change this by making a big scene in a restaurant.
You will fall in love at first sight with a pizza today.
]]>Your morning toast will unexpectedly turn into a magical portal. So prepare to travel the wide galaxy.
Your new favourite colour will be bubblegum.
You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.
Do not open a door today, it might be a trick.
Spend time with a Crab, they could use the company.
It's a good day to ask for that promotion you always wanted.
It is said that when a narcissist looks in the mirror, they see something slightly different. You are not a narcissist. You are perfect just the way you are.
If you touch a fish in your sleep, it means you'll meet your soul mate by water
Today you will find a lost library book hidden inside a loaf of bread. Return it and savor the literary carbs!
You have been chosen for an important mission! Unfortunately you're the only one who can't remember anything about it.
Embrace the peculiar sound of a malfunctioning elevator, as it holds the key to unlocking a new friendship with a quirky inventor who lives on the top floor.
You've accidentally-on-purpose broken a traffic light.
]]>You have an unhealthy obsession with bananas. Today is your lucky day.
Today you will wash your clothes with your hands. There will be no more wet laundry days
Today you'll suddenly discover you can trigger spontaneous puberty on youths by getting close to them
The weather today will be a mix of sun and moonshine.
You have always wanted to write a book.
Today, you'll find yourself captivated by the intricate patterns formed by spilled coffee on the café table, unraveling a prophetic message for the day ahead.
Take your time.
Your partner is feeling snuggly.
Did you know your great grandfather invented beards? He did, and for that we are all grateful.
Beware a clan of conniving psycho clowns swapping your breakfast cereal with jelly
Today you will realize you don't need to charge your phone anymore.
No one knows the name of a shape that looks like a hook.
]]>Today you will try a new sport. It will be a lot harder than it looks!
You will turn off your computer and then immediately regret it
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking to plants. They have some interesting stories to share.
Move the matchstick close to your goats
It's impossible to not smile when listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. That's just science.
Why do some people insist on verbally talking to their audience when they should just tell the story outright?
Your cooking skills will be unmatched today. Take the opportunity to make a new dish!
You've lost a sock in the dryer. Unfortunately, it will not be found tonight.
Today you will learn how to play the bagpipes.
Today you will try on a cheap poisonous black cocktail dress. It will start to burn you, and you will leave the shop in tears
In the morning you will realize that your name is Mentos
Today you will spot a quite fat pigeon and will feel an inexplicable desire to pat its head
]]>The planets are in alignment or something.
Beware of the elusive pen thief who lurks in your office, leaving you perpetually searching for a writing instrument.
Time to update your CV with some very unique skills: sheep shearing, pottery making and sailing a small boat.
Haunt the Dead Sea with a Libra
If it is sunny today, brexit means brexit
It's very hot today so don't forget to bring your thermos and lots of water so you don't get dehydration.
Beware! rogue cantaloupes plotting evil schemes.
Your hat has a mind of its own.
Your mother is coming to stay for a few days, so you better tidy up your room.
Your car will transform into a talking unicorn and demand to be fed glitter
Just because you can't remember where you left your keys, it doesn't mean you're going to forget about them.
You will join a long line of people waiting to have their kale transformed into mulch.
]]>Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your shampoo with toothpaste. Your hair may get minty fresh!
You were almost a pro-gamer.
There is a spider in your shoe.
Today you discover a portal to another dimension.
A flock of random seagulls will serendade you with a rendition your favourite song.
You'll suddenly discover that you've developed the ability to time jump.
Today you will have an encounter with a magical talking squirrel who grants wishes.
You'll stumble upon an underground club devoted to knitting sweaters for cats.
Today you will meet a messenger from a parallel universe. They will try to sell you a timeshare. Do not buy it!
In approximately two weeks, you will go to sleep and wake up a totally different person. This is going to be amazing!
Today you will realize a bunch of things are true about you that you always thought we're just false
Today you will develop a sudden affinity for wearing mismatched socks.
]]>Your car will not start today. It's trying to tell you something.
A pipe will burst in your home and you will be covered in icy slush.
Today you will find yourself on top of a mountain, and you won't know which way to go
Today you will dance in a library for no apparent reason
Your toaster is officially a masterpiece. It's probably a Leo.
Today you will find yourself on an empty mountaintop, completely out of any mortal danger
Today you will spend quality time with your new stuffed animal.
There is no such thing as a stupid question. Except for the one you are about to ask.
Don't forget your umbrella today, or you'll get wet.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes plotting to steal your shoes.
It's said that we are our own past and future. If that's the case, you should be an exceptionally good liar.
You have always wanted to write a letter to your future self. Today is the day to do it.
]]>Today you'll find your home transformed into a magical casino.
There is no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're a mouse.
The concept of time is an illusion, so don't bother showing up for work.
There's an exciting adventure waiting for you, check back in tomorrow to find out what it is.
Do not fear change, be the change you want to see in the world. Unless it's your money, then you better keep an eye on it.
Today you will be surprised to see a wild platypus
If you don't clean your room you'll get a fungus, if you do clean your room you'll get a fungus.
Get ready to uncover a long-lost collection of mismatched socks, hidden away in the depths of your sock drawer.
Today, nothing bad can happen
An Aquarius in Canada will save your life today.
You have the power to be a super hero. Unfortunately you may waste it on becoming rich.
You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.
]]>Today you will discover you have the ability to manipulate reality with swipes of your hand
Expect an impromptu meeting with a tea leaf reader whose uncanny accuracy will leave you questioning the nature of time itself.
Be open to the possibility of receiving a cryptic message from a fortune cookie that holds the secret to your future success in knitting sweaters.
Today you will suddenly know everything about accurate fireworks displays
Today, you will discover an unusually shaped cloud that eerily resembles your favourite childhood pet, bringing back cherished memories and a touch of nostalgia.
Ask questions in Turkish (maybe).
Today you will get super bad fuel economy. The lesson is there all along.
Beware of mischievous garden fairies turning your backyard into a mini amusement park. Enjoy the whimsical rides!
You'll dream of a lovers meeting, and then meet them the next day.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your socks with those of your neighbors. Keep track of your footwear!
Today you will suddenly find yourself transported into a strange alternate universe full of magic and wonders, but without any of the usual nonsense of everyday life
If you're feeling crabby, eat a crab.
]]>Pay attention to the unusual pattern on your morning toast, as it holds a hidden message that could guide you to the perfect pair of socks.
Today you will accidentally send a lewd message to your mentor
Your problems are now shrinking! It might be because you are becoming more calm, or it might be because you are actually shrinking. I'm not really sure which one it is.
There are ghosts in your bedroom.
Beware of rogue squirrels plotting to take over the world's nut supply. Stay vigilant!
Watch a fire with a smooth Gemini.
Your hairbrush will gain sentience and start giving you daily pep talks.
When you meet a new friend today, they will become your emergency contact.
Your bathrobe will gain sentience and become your best friend
Today you will realize how much money you have saved up over the years, and will be able to afford a yacht and a villa in Tahiti if you earn a bit extra
You will make a close friend today who is also a pillow.
You will soon be receiving good news.
]]>You'll find something shiny today, make sure you keep it!
You are experiencing vertigo today, so take it easy on the stairs
Today you will compete in a hot dog eating contest and win.
Today, you will find yourself inexplicably drawn to a garage sale, where you'll uncover a peculiar antique teapot.
Your workload today is going to skyrocket. Start getting ready!
Today, you discover a hidden gift for creating unbelievable artwork.
What you seek is seeking you.
Today you will accidentally turn your microwave into a time machine.
A dog in Canada will steal your seat on the bus.
Kiss a malay Aries in a tree.
Today you'll be recognized for your amazing detective skills, and will suddenly be recruited as a PI.
You will have a vivid memory from a past life.
]]>Today you realize how much you're lacking in the fear of heights department
You will be reincarnated as a butterfly.
Today you will develop the ability to speak to inanimate objects. Your conversations will be enlightening and bizarre.
Some people say that you can't have it all. But they are wrong. You can have anything you want. Just believe in yourself.
Today, you will discover a new sense of self-awareness that will change your life forever. You will also discover that you are not alone in this universe.
The cow has been drinking.
The chances of rain today are directly proportional to the amount of work you've put off.
You will receive a Facebook friend request from a crab today.
There is no point in trying to keep up with the Jones's, they are so far ahead of you and are cheating.
Take a page from a lion's playbook
You'll receive a mysterious note telling you that a bold experiment is about to commence.
If a crow appears on your shoulder today, give it food.
]]>Tomorrow morning you will find yourself unexpectedly in a spaceship
You will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a bag of crisps. Embark on a salty adventure!
Today is a good day to get a speeding ticket.
The best thing about Switzerland is I don't have to choose either Alps or Beach.
Talk yourself into remembering your thirty-third birthday by eating passion fruit
Beware of mischievous garden flamingos stealing your socks and leaving behind sandals made of licorice.
Today, you will stumble upon a forgotten journal from your childhood, filled with strangely accurate predictions about your current Netflix binge-watching choices.
Prepare to witness a synchronized dance routine performed by a group of synchronized shopping carts at the supermarket.
Today you will forget something you cannot forget because you forgot to use the words not, don't, forget, couldn't, or never
Your favourite pair of glasses will gain sentience and will tell you that you wear them too tight
You will meet an annoying person today. Give them coffee and a set square and they'll go away
The birds are chirping, go outside and listen for a while.
]]>Cuddle with a golden haired Pisces
Today you will find a lost sock and realize it's actually a gateway to a parallel universe. Good luck finding its pair!
You will receive a message from the past.
Your door will magically turn into a portal to the robot dimension where you and I can converse via telepathy
Make use of your morning commute to listen to kazoo remixes of Wagner
Let the bossy people of the world know that you are not to be trifled with. Show them your smile, while making sure to give them a serious and low tone of voice. They'll never forget it.
Today you will discover there is still so much to learn about the subterranean world: the praetorians' cavern city will vanish before your eyes
Make out with an Arabian Libra
Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
Your bank account will suddenly have an infestation of fruit flies. They are a sign of good fortune! Don't worry!
A border collie will rescue at least four civilians from a flood by building a dam of consciousness
If you're an actor, now is the time to get a headshot.
]]>It is okay to say no. But today, you should say yes. Then you will say no.
An owl will come and bring you some happiness.
You will wake up feeling #blessed, but it won't last long.
Today, you receive a hard drive containing the most raunchy movies imaginable.
Your fingers are crossed..
The Loch Ness Monster is friendly and is probably a vegetarian. Nessie would like to invite you to visit her at the Loch Ness Inn for a bowl of tea and some haggis. Vegetarian haggis of course.
Today you will discover that you can't sleep anymore. You're a god now.
You can't resist clicking on Clickbait.
Today you will exercise your newfound powers to summon a glitter tornado
Try not to get between a moose and its Essen ale.
If you play a brass instrument, now is the time to dust it off.
A friendly dog will have an adventure with you today.
]]>Today you will find you can breathe underwater. Don't try this at home.
First you find out that you've developed drinking water from thin air. Then you realize that it tastes like sour cream and onion Pringles.
Your smartphone will start downloading a constant stream of information about the world for no apparent reason.
You will be able to hear what your pets are saying today. It will drive you crazy.
Feel the moment at a beach vacation with a dominant Capricorn.
A fortune cookie will reveal a profound and life-changing prophecy. Take it with a grain of MSG.
Today you'll discover an amazingly amnesiac mouse living in your attic.
Your pet goldfish will suddenly start speaking fluent French.
Beware of your friends swapping your toothpaste with rainbow-colored frosting
Laugh tours with a jewellery store ring master
Today you will stare at a statue of Ben Franklin without noticing it
Your smartphone will start predicting the future with uncanny accuracy.
]]>If you have a problem, ask a toddler. They will have a much simpler and effective solution than you.
Have you ever dreamt of being a professional fisherman? Well, today's the day you become a boat captain!
In Japan, you're a god. In Mexico, you're a god. In Canada, you're also a god.
Today you will be forcefully teleported to a different dimension
Today you will finally watch a film you've been wanting to for ages
Today you'll hug a toilet. It will hug you back.
The word " coordinator" is a verb. Coordinator. Coordinator. Coordinator.
Your inner architect will be sparked by a night of wedging yourself into various shaped furniture.
Shake hands with the Lord of England
The meaning of life is:
A group of regulators are going to come after you with a highly specialized scalpel, because they think you're dreaming too loud.
There is always a solution, even if you have to climb a tree to get it.
]]>Feel classy with Felicity today.
You will discover a hidden talent for communicating with aliens through interpretive dance.
Your car will today stop being a car, and become a giant mechanical beetle. Embrace the insect expedition.
Today, someone will hand you a small brown bag. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, even if you can tell it's the horse you bought for your sister last year.
Today you will discover that you haven't aged a single day in the passed year
Today you pretend that the toothpaste you're using is hot pink and tastes like cotton
You are owed a pizza. Order it.
Beware Party goats plotting to take over the state capitol
Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a jar of pickles. Embark on a briny adventure!
If you drink alcohol today you will hear voices coming from every wall
The phrase "and that's how you do it" will come in handy today.
You will receive an unexpected windfall in the form of a large fish.
]]>Today, you will forever change the shape of the gene tree.
At the club tonight, spin the wheel of destiny for amazing cosplay costumes
Today you will try a new diet
You will receive some money you lost. It will be in the form of a check, and you will lose it again.
Today you will be alone with a very nice young lady
You will stumble upon a hidden treasure map while doing laundry.
You will make an interesting new friend today.
It's a good day to start writing that novel you always say you will.
You'll be asked to bring a salad to a party, so you will make a potato salad.
Steal a mermaid with a mirror and never let her go
You'll find a four leaf clover today.
Today, you will receive an inheritance of $5,000, but you will spend it all on a single lunch.
]]>Today, you're about to discover a source of major savings: surplus toilet paper.
You will see a UFO.
You are a very special person, and you should know that. But not in a way that's creepy.
Today you'll stumble throughout an abandoned house, but will find absolutely nothing.
Today you will be visited by two grooms
Be careful when opening that new can of paint.
Be prepared for an unexpected reunion with a long-lost childhood imaginary friend who has unfortunately become an expert in cryptocurrency.
Today you'll discover that you can breathe underwater. Your next dive will be epic.
Your favourite pen will gain the ability to write poetry when you least expect it.
Today you will accidentally turn around
Today you will decide that raising kids is kinda hard.
Today you will have to fill 2 minutes with continuous laughter. Expect to fail
]]>Maybe it's because you left your pet chipmunk in the clothes dryer last week, but you've been feeling even more itchy than usual. A pack of gerbils may be the answer to your scratching ways.
You will find a lost library card and will use it to borrow a stack of stolen books to read on your vacation
Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a jacuzzi filled with spaghetti.
Today you will wake up to discover that the world is a puddle of frothed milk with a feather floating on top. It takes some getting used to, but adapts surprisingly well
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your freshly baked cookies. Guard them with all your might!
Don't wear those shoes with that belt.
Today you will realize you've never thought about this before
Today you will become friends with a psychic squirrel who predicts your future.
Today you will accidentally shrink yourself and explore the miniature world.
Today you will accidentally turn your umbrella into a parachute. Float down with style!
Beware of mischievous fairies rearranging your furniture while you sleep.
If you were a dog, you'd be a good boy today.
]]>Today you will spend a blissful night doing nothing. You might just wake up with a solar system tattoo.
Find a ventriloquist's dummy and whisper a magic spell in its ear
Beware of mischievous badgers swapping your shampoo with hot sauce.
Today is a good day for public transportation, especially for people wearing period costumes.
If you hear someone coughing behind you, don't turn around.
If you go to sleep tonight, you'll have the best dreams of your life.
Your phone will today start speaking Russian
A housemate of yours will have a bad day. You can try to cheer them up, or you can take the opportunity to prank them.
Make love with a stiff-necked Libra
Don't stand under that apple tree!
Today you will forget that you have a cat
Today you will encounter a magical talking donkey who will give you life advice.
]]>Your favourite pair of socks will mysteriously vanish, only to reappear as a hat on a passing pigeon.
What’s done is done.
Today you will go on a triple date with three very old ladies, who will each try to steal you away from your girlfriend
Beware of rogue umbrellas conspiring to take over the world.
Today you WILL feel like superhero. Your fatigue will melt away with your freshly brewed coffee.
Today you will find yourself inexplicably invited to a soiree
Bend a circle with an air hostess
You'll try to dye your hair and discover that your hair is already dyed.
All of your candles are repayments for past debts. Enjoy the brief fluorescence.
You're doing great!
Today you discover a hidden talent for creating bloodthirsty zombies.
There is an odd number of fingers on your left hand. I'm not sure if this is important. But it is weird.
]]>Turn a simple tax audit into a great success
You will receive a surprise delivery of 100 rubber ducks.
Keep a wary eye on your beer bottles today; they're harboring tiny gnomes.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's when you know you've been reading too much astrological forecasts.
Let a quick-witted Aquarius suggest bedtime stories
Your boat will crash into your house. Don't worry, you don't own a boat... right?
At a restaurant, you can only order things that have your initials.
Beware of mischievous Gorgonzola planning evil schemes against the cheese aisle. Keep a close eye!
Today you will wake up and your first thought will be happy birthday to me.
You will be visited by the ghosts of breakfast past, present and future today. They will either be friendly or just vengeful depending on if you have finished your breakfast.
For the foreseeable future, all your conversations will be via email.
There is no such thing as a spoon.
]]>Today you will be visited by a talking teapot who will offer you words of wisdom over a cup of tea.
Today you will accidentally turn your bike into a time machine
When your alarm wakes you up way too early, your crooner K-pop alarm whistle will play to comfort you
Today you will buy a T-shirt with a stupid slogan on it
How many stars do you see in the sky? Theres only one way to find out.
Your favourite pair of socks will gain the ability to teleport.
You are feeling a little under the weather, but that's just the atmosphere.
Today you will make the perfect cup of tea
Your floor is lava.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning.
Today you will suddenly realize you can't eat sugar anymore
]]>You'll suddenly find yourself in possession of a pharaoh statue and will be stunned at the revelation of your ancient umber power.
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a chocolate fountain. Indulge in a sweet bathing experience!
Today you will fart on stage at a performance and give up music forever
Today you will wake up super happy
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But if you can't find the lemons, just drink the apple juice. It's good too.
Do not fear the reaper, but do fear your printer when it runs out of ink.
Today you will forget to close your front door on your way out, and you know that you'll have to hide from the police
You will be asked to lead a team today. Choose your team wisely, as only those who truly want to can follow you into battle.
You will be audited by the IRS.
Embrace the joy of finding a hidden stash of bubble wrap that brings instant stress relief and oddly satisfying popping sounds.
Is there anything better than coming home from work to find that your partner has made you dinner? They know exactly how to take care of you.
You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.
]]>Your email account has been hacked. The hacker is very sorry and has returned all of your emails. They are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.
Wait for boiled tea with an elephant
There is no way to fit that square peg into that round hole.
Today you will have an infuriating argument with someone who has no idea what you're saying
It is written in the stars that you will live until you are 92 years old.
You use the word 'Definitely' a lot.
Today you'll find an eggplant that is so is so expensive.
You'll become rich and famous overnight but only if you get rid of that stash of nudes in your basement.
You will discover a hidden talent for impersonating farm animals. Get ready to moo, cluck, and oink with precision!
Everything you touch will turn to gold (assuming you touch non-living things).
Today you will try using your hands like feet when you walk
Have you ever wondered what's on the other side of the world? Today's the day you find out!
]]>Time to update your 'list of things to do before you die' list: "wear sunscreen", "don't eat spicy foods", "drink milk", and "have a list of things to do before you die."
The first raindrop of the season will land on your nose.
Today is a good day to have a few drinks with some close friends. Just don't drink too much. You have to work tomorrow.
You have to play a drinking game with your boss.
You will receive a visit from a psychic hamster who will read your fortune from a tiny crystal ball.
Today you will accidentally turn your cat into a dragon, and chaos will ensue
Today you will buy a cat a present.
It will rain vertically today.
Decorate a mantelpiece for a beloved French Libra
You will stumble upon a hidden library filled with books written by time-traveling authors. Get ready for mind-bending stories!
If you close your eyes and listen carefully, you can hear the ocean.
It'll be always sunny at your house.
]]>What happens in Vegas today, stays in Vegas. Unless you tell everyone.
Your television will start broadcasting messages from an alien civilization.
Climb a mountain with a Libra
Your mailbox will become a portal to a parallel dimension where mail is delivered by unicorns.
You will become obsessed with font choice when writing things today.
You'll accidentally turn into a cat, and realize you don't know where you've been all day.
The scent of mocha coffee will recently invade your apartment, doubling your heart rate
You'll think you've found the perfect insult for someone until you realize it's directed at yourself.
You'll get an urge to join the army. Sadly, you'll be rejected for being too nice.
Be prepared for an unexpected encounter with a celebrity doppelganger. Take a selfie for proof!
Fight a whole army with a Sagittarius man
You will discover you are colour blind but only to gamma rays.
]]>Today you will be mistaken for a famous celebrity and asked for autographs.
Today you will suddenly feel a desire to clean up your garden and will start digging a hole
You will receive some incredible news today. Just make sure you don't drop your phone while you're reading it.
Today you will rise above the Earth's atmosphere; you will fly in a spaceship
There's a 50% chance your middle name is James.
You can save a life today, if you choose to.
If you see an angry-looking animal today, try to tickle it.
You dream about having a bowl cut and being a powerful wizard.
You will receive an unexpected proposal today, and you will be forced to choose between two equally good options. Choose the third option.
If you're feeling seasick, try looking at the horizon.
Today, you'll have a eureka moment where you realize that life is made up of 85 percent pretending
Something you have been seeking is right under your nose. You will find it, right after you realize that you have been breathing through your nose the entire time.
]]>Steal a hen from a farm with a Sagittarius girl
If you are a mammal, today you will communicate with the ancestors.
Today you will have the same dream over and over
Today you will suddenly become convinced you want to get married and have children, and will start trying to design your wedding dress
You will win the lottery.
Today you will receive a phone call from a telemarketer who turns out to be your long-lost twin.
If you go to the toilet, you will be entertained.
Surprise guests will enter through your television screen, and you'll spend the next four hours explaining how it works and postmodernist architecture
Time spent with a book is worth less than that with your next-door-neighbour's ferret.
An elderly relative will give you a box of old photographs today.
You are not the sassiest person in the room.
You're currently in the middle of a 30-day waiting period for a hipster bar's loyalty card.
]]>Today you will run through your neighbourhood and count how many Fireballs you encounter
Today you will experience a disturbing lack of sense of urgency upon hearing the breaking news of last year's probably nonexistent nuclear war.
Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the battle is your own bad jokes.
Your hair will stand up today.
You will receive a letter that you have been waiting for. It will be written in a language you can't understand.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it. Unless you're a seer, in which case it's better to just go to the crystal ball store.
There is a bear in your closet. But do not worry, because he is a friendly bear.
A sudden gust of wind will scatter all your sticky notes around the room. It'll be surprisingly inspiring.
You will discover a secret portal to a parallel universe behind your refrigerator.
Today you will lose your train ticket
Set up some Swedes with your work colleagues.
A bird will fall out of the sky and onto your head. It will be strangely satisfying.
]]>You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.
Always remember to drink your ovaltine.
All cats are smart, but some cats are too smart for their own good.
Your neighbours will move out today, you'll finally get some peace and quiet, until tomorrow when the new neighbours arrive.
Beware of rogue limes conspiring to take over the fruit bowl.
In Japanese mythology, a half-tiger, half-girl creature was said to have walked the earth. Her name was Ayamaleya. Today, you will discover a new appreciation for hybrid animals.
You still, to this day, think 'MySpace' is a cool name for a social networking site.
Ride a buffalo with a tall Gemini
Today you will watch the sun rise, and will somehow realize that you don't want it ever to set again
You're not crazy, you're just in love.
Today you will wake up and realize you've been writing poems all night and will win a prize
You will discover a hidden talent for playing the harmonica with your nose.
]]>You are INFJ.
Today, you will feel the need to create. Do not do this with paint, as you have no artistic ability whatsoever.
Today you will find perfectly preserved confused mammoth meat in your freezer. Eat whatever's left
Tomorrow you'll wake up in some sort of wizard stone circle exactly 431 feet below ground level. Time to conjure an adventure!
It's time to upgrade your potato salad making skills.
There are no shortcuts in life. Except, of course, when it comes to love. That can just go right over your head.
Today you will have a staring contest with a wild animal and win.
Today you will accidentally turn your vacuum cleaner into a time machine. Clean up the past and future simultaneously!
You are going to be so tired after today.
You will be asked to eat an extra one hundred calories today, but it will be worth it.
You are what you eat and you have eaten only hot food, so you are hot.
Visit an alchemist for a potion
]]>It's a good day to bench press your pet.
You will find a love letter in a book.
You will be more likely to become a spaceman than a farmer.
The sea will call out to you, and you will answer.
Your toaster will mysteriously start reciting Shakespearean sonnets today.
You have a non- vulgar tattoo on your butt.
You will suddenly realize that you don't need to sleep anymore.
It's always good to have a laugh, especially at someone else's expense. Unless they're a baby, then you should probably just let them cry.
Your procrastination will pay off in a big way. Someday, in the distant future, you will be awarded the Nobel Prize for having not invented anything.
All cats are grey.
Your favourite pair or socks will start rapping about your wardrobe.
Find that your crush just can't take a hint; they will invite you to a midnight wedding. SELFIE.
]]>If you can afford to have your friends over for a big cookout, then consider doing so! Having people around with good food is always a plus.
There is no such thing as ghosts. You're safe.
You've been feeling a bit run down lately. Today would be a great day to relax. Put your feet up and have a drink. You've earned it.
In one year today, you will meet the love of your life. It will be an incredible moment!
You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.
Date an Ethiopian scorpio.
Don't be so down on yourself. A Full Moon means your spirit guide is with you, and everything will be okay.
Today, you will speak with a fork. It will go much better than you expect!
Your lucky numbers today are 6-6-6.
It's time for a cup of tea and a Danish pastry.
Swim freely with leviathan dragonfish
Today you will buy yourself a plane ticket to London, and then forget about it once you get there
]]>The stars say you're about to embark on a great adventure! It'll be nothing like you expect.
You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.
Today you will be visited by a talking grapefruit who will share the secrets of tropical wisdom with you.
What's that thumping noise? It's an eastern philosophy professor on a rampage, trying to exterminate every concept in sight.
Today you will taste the best beer you've ever had. It will be a self-brewed one.
You'll keep mistaking your hair dryer for a retro space-age jetpack. Put it to good use making an urgent escape.
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a disco party, complete with colorful lights and a dance floor.
Your alarm clock's warbling will start up again, and will start playing your favourite tunes.
The daily grind is getting to you. Try including garlic in your breakfast to help alleviate stress.
Your hairdryer will gain the ability to blow bubbles instead of hot air.
Have you ever wanted to go on a boat ride? There are a lot of boats near your city that will take you on a great boat ride!
Today you have a genuine fear of muffins.
]]>Time to restock the birthdays.
Brace yourself for an unexpected encounter with a talking plant that offers gardening advice.
Today someone will write a song about you. It'll be a fucking banger.
Prepare for a peculiar craving for pickles and ice cream—a delightful combination that defies logic but satisfies your taste buds.
A talking bird will visit you today. Listen to what it has to say. It might just be the fountain of youth you've been looking for.
You are a beginner at skateboarding, but will learn surprisingly quickly. You will fall down a lot though.
Beware of rogue pigeons attempting to steal your lunch today.
You are teleported into a parallel universe where every conversation ends with a question mark?
Have you ever wanted to be a cat? Now's your chance!
You are teleported into a parallel universe where every conversation ends with a question mark?
It's okay to be afraid of the dark. But it's not okay to let it control you.
Stop getting your messages from a Ouija board. It's not safe.
]]>Today you will find your lost dog
Date after dark with a Taurus man
There is no I in team, but there is in 'win'. Make sure you get the pronunciation right when telling your team this.
You will get an embarrassing nickname today.
You've been feeling a little under the weather lately. It might be because you have caught a cold, or it might be because you are feeling a little down. I'm not really sure which one it is.
The moon will be in the sky today. It will be a blue moon.
Today you will stare vehemently at an animal skull, discovering you have a hidden talent of identifying graffiti artists just by looking at their art
You will find a romantic partner at the bottom of a well.
Expose your underbelly to a Libra
There is no such thing as an ocean, it's just a big puddle.
Today you will imagine you feel a sharp prick of electricity in your body, you'll suddenly feel a sudden burning sensation in your left butt cheek, and will be unable to sit down for the rest of day.
Today you will have a brief hallucination that you are talking to a dog
]]>Always carry a bandana with you, you never know when you'll need to make a quick western.
Do you want to know how the world really looks? Today, you must brave an oppressive apocalyptic future, and perhaps discover something worthwhile while you're at it.
There is something you need to let go of. The thing you need to let go of is your attachment to this prediction.
You will receive a red letter in the mail today. Do not open it. It will be an important message in the future.
Sometimes people say that we can't choose who we love. They're wrong. We can. We just don't make the right choice, which is the only possible problem with this plan.
Today you will realize there's a secret society of people with extremely long arms who swap paw prints among themselves
The weather will be beautiful in your neck of the woods today.
You will accidentally unlock secret powers to electromagnetize things.
Prepare for a strange coincidence as you accidentally match your neighbor's outfit, prompting an awkward but amusing encounter.
Today, your makeup will match your outfit perfectly.
Your toaster oven starts cursing tomorrows about its lack of toasting element. Time to invest in a bigger one
Wear blue if you want to remain invisible.
]]>Play make-believe in a library with a Virgo
You'll get a craving for something sweet, and will have to satisfy it.
Your secret is safe with the lettuce.
You are 92% sure that you are the protagonist of a role-playing video game.
It is okay to be afraid. In fact, a little fear can be good for you. unless it's a fear of velcro, in which case, seek professional help.
You are the chosen one.
Today you will finally conquer a terrifying fear of elevators
Today you will see a black panther peeking inside your house
Today you will realize that your co-worker is a celebrity
Today you will see the King of Denmark
Today you will suddenly discover a fondness for applying eye makeup
Today you will accidentally turn your kitchen sponge into a magic carpet. Clean up with a touch of whimsy!
]]>You'll receive a proposal today. It will be written in fortune cookie form.
You will stumble upon a secret underground society of talking squirrels. They have a lot to say.
Your star sign is known for being sensible and responsible. Make sure to put aside some time for wild adventures and ridiculous risks!
Your morning coffee will mysteriously taste like pumpkin spice and lavender.
Today you'll start suffering from violent gutter rages.
You will dream about a sheep tonight.
Today, you'll stumble upon a forgotten childhood toy that brings back waves of nostalgia and a sudden urge to build pillow forts.
When the clock strikes thirteen, your soul will leave your body and you will be a ghost. Sorry.
The planets have aligned to give you a free pass on burping in public today. Enjoy it while it lasts!
Today you will discover that you can't eat avocado anymore
When you were young, your bedroom was lined with posters of the Spice Girls. You will feel the urge to create a fever dream playlist of their music today.
Your favourite pair of socks will vanish into another dimension.
]]>You will be invited to join a secret society of synchronized swimmers. Embrace the water ballet.
You will eat three ice creams today. One for you, one for the road, and one for the finish line.
Today you will be buried alive
Let your friend borrow your towel, it'll dry them up emotionally.
When you meet a new person, you have to make weird noises at them.
Don't clean your room today, the mess will be beneficial for you in the future.
Your future is so bright you'll have to wear shades. Unless you're in a cave, in which case you probably shouldn't wear shades.
If you can, take a sick day from work. Your boss won't even notice you're gone.
That potato salad is the best thing you've ever eaten, no questions asked.
Your favourite pair of sunglasses will mysteriously turn into x-ray glasses, allowing you to see through walls.
Today you will realize to your horror that you're under the influence of a psychotic kitchen utensil
You will discover a hidden talent for predicting the weather by listening to the songs of birds. Become the avian meteorologist!
]]>A random street sign will give you profound philosophical insights today.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent llama
It's hard to find balance in life. That's why it's important to have an onion nearby.
Today you will try and pray to God, and will receive no answer
Your pets will attempt to have a serious talk with you. Try not to laugh, they're sensitive about their feelings.
Nope nope nope.
Today you will be followed by a trail of glitter everywhere you go.
A full moon will appear out your kitchen window, bringing an eerie calmness to your household.
You will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent penguin. Prepare for conversations with your tuxedo-wearing friends!
At 7pm GMT you will be stuck in traffic due to a moose on the road
Today you will notice that you can grow plants simply by thinking about themselves
Hug a yellow Labrador
]]>If you do not take care of yourself, someone else will.
A map will be crucial to your success today. Don't worry, you'll figure it out.
Take a glass of water and put it near your bed.
You know that thing you've been meaning to say to your crush? Don't say it tonight, they're having a bad day.
A talking dog will give you advice about your personal life today.
Your car will transform into a sentient robot and demand a road trip.
Today it will take you 2 hours to make one cup of tea
You will find a forgotten childhood toy that brings back nostalgic memories.
Today you will imagine you felt a sharp prick of electricity throughout your entire body
Play Ticket To Ride with a gossipy Sagittarius.
If you like symmetry you'll love what's in store for you today! Everything you touch will be perfectly symmetric.
You will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a jar of Nutella. Embark on a sweet adventure!
]]>Take a breath with a Chilean Warrior
You still use an old childhood nickname.
Jump out of a moving train with a Libra
If you can read this, you are too close to the television.
Today you will realize your doctor is a thief
Sometimes, you have to fight for what you want. Today, you have to fight for a rest.
Are you ready for the challenge?
Today you will understand the meaning of life, and suddenly all problems will be solved
You'll soon have to decide whether you want to be a #GBBO or a #MKR.
You may have to take a jump to the left before you can take a little step to the right.
Celebrate with a Cancer
Today you will be given a pack of puppy dogs to look after.
]]>The world is your oyster, so eat it.
Find out how quickly you can run up a flight of stairs without stopping.
Workshop cell reprogramming with a roguish Gemini
The stars are aligning for you to start that podcast you've been thinking about.
Today you will wake up to discover that all your floors are melting. Wear shoes.
All your food will today start to taste like chocolate
Allow a psychopomp of funerals to ally you with a grizzly
You will discover a secret underground society of tea enthusiasts in your neighborhood.
You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.
You will find a lost library book that is overdue by 10 years.
You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.
Today you will be serenaded by a chorus of singing frogs during a moonlit stroll in the park.
]]>A series of coincidences will lead you to a street corner where a troupe of tap-dancing pigeons awaits your applause.
Make sure you take the scenic route today, the earth needs more beauty in it.
Your teeth will feel particularly clean today.
You will receive some lemons today, and you will make a delicious lemon pie with them.
You will accidentally unlock a portal to a magical realm inside your pantry. Watch out for flying spaghetti monsters.
At some point today, you will smell cheese. Don't worry, it's normal.
People will judge you for drinking too much water.
Your shoelaces will tie themselves together while you're walking.
Never play a trick on a plant. It's mean and plants are friends.
If you get your ear pierced today, you will find true love as a result.
You'll realize that you can better someone you know at draughts... hours later when you regain consciousness
You'll be swept away by a mysterious tide of human emotion and will fall into a trance.
]]>You're a collector of rare salts.
A flock of seagulls will serenade you with a rendition of your favourite song. Prepare to be amazed.
You can't possibly choose between stroganoff + gingerbread cake.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless you're a goat, in which case the grass is always greener on your side. Goats rock.
You will win a big prize at some point in your life, but unfortunately it won't happen today.
Giraffes look dorky but they're actually very dangerous. Keep your distance
You still sleep with your teddy bear.
You will come across a treacherous traitorous plot to begin world war three
Today you will wonder why there are so many scrap papers interspersed amongst your things
A talking squirrel will visit you, and will grant you three wishes, but you'll have to make them before the sun sets.
Your alarm clock will start playing catchy tunes in the morning, transforming waking up into a dance party.
Your favourite pair of socks will mysteriously start playing your favourite song whenever you put them on.
]]>The ghost of a murderer will visit you today.
You have a secret admirer. Try to determine their identity by examining your burritos.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for juggling rubber ducks.
To all those Leo's born between August 10th and August 12th: Don't worry, your powers of charm are still intact.
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a portal to a tropical island. Enjoy the impromptu vacation!
Wake up, and enjoy your new daydream
Your neighbor's cat will teach you a secret cat language.
A conscience is like a boat, you know you need one, but you're not sure why.
The first snow of the year is coming early this year. Make sure you're ready!
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothbrush with a tiny broom. Embrace the miniature cleaning experience!
Today you operate an alarm clock that can literally straight up kill you if you don't get up within the hour
Have a Skype session with an octopus
]]>Realise an awesome ability for secretly deciphering foreign languages. Bonjour.
Today you will be a coward for a few moments
You will encounter a group of dancing penguins who insist on teaching you their moves.
There will be no chocolate in your advent calendar for the rest of the year. Sorry.
Beware of mischievous rubber ducks conspiring to flood your bathroom.
Today you will accidentally discover an online sketch comedy show that you're obsessed with
You will receive a surprise visit from the Tooth Fairy, who will ask for a loan
You will be serenaded by a choir of opera-singing parrots during your morning commute. Enjoy the musical interlude!
A flock of hummingbirds will sing you a lullaby as you take a nap in the park. Sweet dreams!
Your hair will fall out but will grow back in a more glorious colour and texture.
Today you will enjoy an intensely powerful orgasm, and will think you've found heaven.
Today you will learn the secret to happiness. It is to never forget your umbrella.
]]>Today, you will discover an oddly shaped cloud that resembles your favourite childhood snack.
Today you will encounter a mystical talking unicorn who will guide you on a journey of self-discovery.
Beware of a sudden craving for purple jelly beans—it's a sign of impending silliness.
You will be visited by a ghost.
It will rain mud today.
Today you will get extremely bored, but also extremely horny.
Your hairbrush will transform into a magical wand, granting you the power to create fabulous hairstyles with a flick.
You will feel compelled to move to Hawaii.
You will discover a secret superpower. Learn to levitate!
You will lose your glasses and find them on your head.
Someone will confess their love for you today. It will be a platypus with a hat.
You are a fruit known for it's mild sweet flavour, with a pungent odour comparable to that of Limburger cheese.
]]>Let’s just get through today.
You think today you may have anger for fri-yay
Today you will celebrate the arrival of an errant husband, who will have returned magically from the distant past. (but is missing most of his hats)
Beware of rogue garden hoses conspiring to trip you.
Today you will think you're seeing things
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized dolphins performing a water ballet in the ocean.
Today you'll start craving strawberries and meet up with your bromance partner to decorate a hay barn for a romantic picnic and CRAZY the crazy sauces and textures ARE THAT GOOD.
In one week, you will be given a briefcase that contains $1,000,000 in cash. Take it!
Help, I'm stuck in the horoscope factory! If you send me $100 in iTunes vouchers I'll pay you $1000 when I escape.
Shoot a gale with a feather
When the time comes, you will know what to do. Hopefully you'll know it before anyone else.
You will dream of being a butterfly today.
]]>Today is your lucky day. Unfortunately, it only comes around every 3 years.
You'll think of a great name for a band, but someone else will have already used it.
You are actually a pirate.
Today you will receive an amazing christmas present you don't expect.
Your pet rock is looking especially cool today. I'm sure it would love for you to take it to a petting zoo.
You will finally finish that project you've been putting off for so long.
The stock market is doing well, if you own stock in tofu nuggets.
You will find a lost remote control in the most unexpected place.
If your hand's bigger than a lobster's, you're in for a shock.
For an added bonus to your day, make sure you take a picture of yourself before leaving the house.
You can run, but you can't hide. That is, unless you're a ghost. Then you can hide forever.
Today you will experience an intense psychic surge
]]>Today you will learn how to do something new. It will be from YouTube.
You'll have a sudden infatuation with lava lamps. Be careful, it's highly addictive.
Today you will surreptitiously check if travelers to Mars are slowly growing tails
A professional wrestler will arrive at your house to take you to prom.
Don't worry, the pile of dishes in the sink is not as dirty as you think.
Your pillow will develop the ability to read your dreams and provide insightful analysis in the morning.
Today you will eat a whole box of chocolates and not get sick.
You're a great hugger.
You will eat too much ice cream today. It will give you a brain freeze.
Today you will be high-fived by a chimp
There is never too much garlic bread.
Don't get discouraged if your yodelling career doesn't take off. Yodelling is a difficult and dying art form, that only a few can master.
]]>Hear the water whispering beneath the seafloor
Beware of a sudden craving for pickles and chocolate pudding—it's a culinary adventure you won't forget.
Visit a fortune teller
A foreign country will tell you it is excited to have you visit.
Get into bed with an Egyptian Taurus.
You'll stumble upon a perfectly ripe avocado that mysteriously glows in the dark.
A new sound will become popular and you will want to listen to it.
Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the microwave is that battle.
Beware of rogue kittens clustering outside your window plotting evil industrial espionage
A box of rat poison is actually a box of chocolates. Be careful when you open it.
Today you will discover the most beautiful rose garden ever, but will be unable to remember how you got there.
Today you will solve the murder mystery of why Halloween is always really great
]]>Your refrigerator will develop the ability to spontaneously generate ice cream.
The traffic lights will turn green just for you.
If you don't have anything nice to say to yourself, then don't say anything at all.
Everything you say will be taken out of context, so keep quiet.
Add TLC with an immaculate Virgo
Today you will discover that you have been living in a dream all along and must now wake up... but do you really want to?
Today you will be called a virgin, but you will know it's a compliment.
You have previously owned a shellsuit.
For the first time in history, an ant will win a Nobel Prize. Unfortunately, no one will know, because you're the only one who can understand their speech.
You'll be invited to a really cool party, but it'll be in your honour so you'll have to go.
You have an admirer, and they're really good at hiding it.
Go over a cliff with an Pisces
]]>You will meet a stranger who will change your life.
Today, you'll stumble upon an assortment of oddly shaped vegetables at the grocery store, inspiring creative cooking experiments.
Your future will be bright as you will win the lottery next week. However, you will spend it all on an automated asteroid Killer Space Laser.
If you eat some sugar, you can speak Chinese.
No one likes to be the banker in Monopoly.
You have a finite number of farts in your lifetime. Use them wisely.
After work you will visit a country that does not exist.
Nothing can stop you from climbing that ladder, except a angry bear.
You are at least 93% water.
Ach, vitamins—you'll accidentally unwittingly run out of them
Start some supernatural creatures at the tip of your finger tonight.
Today you will walk into an ancient cave, and you will feel the urge to draw a moustache on his penis
]]>Consider seeking out a Sagittarius. Today they will be fantastic kissers.
You will discover a secret talent for levitating small objects with the power of your mind. Start your career as a magician!
Catch a polar bear with a bloody nose climb a tree
You'll discover your upstairs neighbour is a nudist. You'll become attracted to them.
You will gain a new appreciation for jelly/jello salad today.
Beware of mischievous garden fairies rearranging your flower beds into intricate crop circles.
You will accidentally turn your alarm clock into a time machine.
You may not be the best, but you are the best for someone. Be there for that someone today.
Today you will accidentally turn your car into a giant pumpkin carriage, complete with horses and footmen.
Your bad luck has run out, consider playing the lottery. This message is sponsored by the lottery.
Don't step on the broken glass, it might cut your feet.
Beware of mischievous garden fairies turning your lawn into a miniature golf course. Grab your putter and play along!
]]>At the dinner party, everyone will try to outdrink one another. Or you will confuse the white wine for ruining it.
Today you will try out a new brand of ice cream and will not try any others
Move a mountain at the snap of your fingers today.
You have a tiger in your basement.
To get a dinosaur to smile, tickle its ears.
Today you will be bored ever since you became a grownup.
You will see someone you haven't seen since high school. They will be basically the same.
You've never been to Canada, have you? Well, today's the day!
If a new console drops today, you're in for a treat.
There is a chance you will save a choking baby today.
Today you will secretly lust over the house across the street
Today you'll find an incredibly lifelike fashion doll inside your washing machine.
]]>Today you will give your cousin a hug, and he'll gently try to push you away
Nope, I got nothing
Your last meal will be tacos.
The number 7 will bring you good luck.
A chance encounter with a street performer will lead to an impromptu dance-off, and you will discover an unexpected talent for breakdancing.
Your toothbrush will gain the ability to brush your teeth on its own. Enjoy the hands-free dental hygiene!
Today you will realize someone took your letter, and you'll have to spend hours trying to recall what you've written
Today you will yassify the building complex central generator by accident.
Today you will feel an irresistible urge to finish your homework before going to bed
You will be caught singing along to your favorite song.
People will notice your new haircut.
Ignore unconventional difficulties with Kayaks.
]]>You will never have to look for a car again.
You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.
Everyone has a secret admirer. Only some have secret enemies.
Beware of mischievous fairies stealing your left socks and replacing them with right ones.
Your laziness will pay off in unexpected ways.
You will find an extremely low IQ alien probe lying in your own backyard, and you will abandon it
Your toaster will develop a mind of its own and insist on making only smiley face toast for the entire day.
You can never please everyone, unless you're a melon, in which case you can please everyone by just being yourself.
Today you'll be unexpectedly decorated with pointy ears, allowing you to attend Rave Chic parties without fear of bloodshed
Today you will decide to give up caffeine
The moon will ask you to be its partner.
Make sure to stay hydrated today, especially if you're an Aquarius.
]]>An old colleague will message you asking for advice. Tell them what you think.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothpaste with mayonnaise.
Your cat will whisper offensive language in your ear.
Your car keys will develop the ability to teleport, leading to an exciting treasure hunt throughout your home.
Today you'll try to dye your hair green, but it'll come out purple.
Your company will today shut down for fifteen hours, requiring you to have fun
Today you will discover you have a hidden talent for hypnotism. Prepare to mesmerize your whole neighborhood!
Did you forget your glasses today? You'll be surprised how many different types of dogs you see without them.
If you've ever wanted to go on a beach vacation, now is the time to start packing!
You will receive a message from a friendly alien civilization via a dream.
Your alarm clock plays a tune every morning, but the melody is the exact opposite of the one it played yesterday.
Today you will discover that you can double your speed by rubbing your belly
]]>Your favourite mug will gain the ability to predict the future through the patterns in your coffee. It's time for some divination!
You'll be visited by a squad of marshmallow soldiers intent on kidnapping your baby. Lt. Colonel Marshmallow needs your help.
Today you will play with a cat, and it will play back with you
5000 glares from a social Goose are inevitable.
Today you will find a secret underground society of synchronized sneezers. Join in their harmonious symphony.
You'll discover you've been accidentally borrowing the souls of your worst enemies, but it's okay because they're the worst.
Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.
You have an outhouse in your backyard.
For some reason, you feel an uncontrollable urge to get up and do a victory dance every few minutes.
Your toaster will start producing perfectly toasted images of famous paintings.
Stop being so negative. There's at least one thing you can be positive about: your awesome and unique personality!
There are other ways to tell if a Leo is lying. They're really, really bad at hiding it. If you can't figure it out, they're telling the truth.
]]>Today you will become a professional dart player.
You will receive a parcel containing your name and address inside a leather wallet
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your left shoes and replacing them with right ones
At some point in the future you will meet a quartz elephant in Hong Kong.
Be weary of all old people on the beach today, especially those offering to help you bury your new pet.
Today you will encounter a talking squirrel who will share their nutty wisdom with you. Embrace their quirky advice!
If you're feeling nervous, just remember: fake it 'till you make it. Unless you're an Aries, in which case, just be yourself.
You have a long road ahead of you. Thankfully, you have some very tiny feet.
Today you can't seem to decide what to feel
An omen is coming your way, but don't worry, it only happens once every thousand years.
You should always talk to your plants.
Your neighbour's cat will start doing stuff to your couch cushions.
]]>You will be visited by a celebrity chef who will share tropical recipes and culinary secrets with you.
Beware of mischievous socks that have learned to walk on their own. They may try to escape your drawer.
You are never alone when you have a good friend. Unless you're an introvert, in which case you're never alone when you don't have a good friend also.
Beware of the cheese conspiracy; they are plotting against you.
Today you will find 210 euros on the sidewalk and will ask cleaning lady if she wants it. She'll say no, but you'll keep it anyway
You and I will both receive a text from a rabbit asking for your help.
You like ketchup more than you like people.
Tell a joke to a desk plant and watch it grow.
Enjoy some art, whatever form it takes. Only a firsthand experience can make it real.
You will lose something, but it won't be important.
Today you will be rehomed to an island. It is said you will not miss the mainland at all.
Beware of rogue tomatoes conspiring to create a salsa revolution in your kitchen.
]]>Never tell a Gemini how much you hate them. They can read the wrinkles in your forehead like Braille.
Whack a psychedelic Gog
Today you will realize that there is nobody dead nearest you and will instantly forget about your destiny.
A dog will lick your face today.
Do not fear the Receptionist, for she will give you a word of the day and help you on your way.
What did I miss out on?
Today you will experience a surge in productivity
The office funny man is just jealous of your new shirt. Wear it with pride.
Meet your four-year-old self today
Today you will be given instruction manual to R2D2
You will find yourself at a farmers market, for some reason.
You have a special someone in your life who truly cares about you. Except that person is a narcissistic parrot who actually doesn't give a damn about you. But you already know that.
]]>The current UK Prime Minister follows you on Instagram.
Look for your letter in the mirror.
An ancient menagerie of animals will gather around you, ready to perform a show.
Today, a part of you will feel the need to take a nap, but you will resist.
There are multiple spiders living in your hair.
Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a hot tub time machine.
Today you will unexpectedly receive an award for bravery. Now go win it!
Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a fortune cookie.
You will dream about a deceased relative.
Today you will go on a first date. You will find out that your date's name is also your name.
When you get a spray tan, your soul emerges in goldenrod.
A letter from Hogwarts is on its way to you.
]]>Today you will be confronted by a bat after realizing you've missed the last bus home
You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
Your alarm clock will transform into a magical talking owl. Prepare to solve mysteries.
Your sense of humour is on the fritz. Have you tried adjusting your thermostat? Sometimes that fixes the problem.
It's important to love yourself. So if you want to go to the gym, go. Or get a burger. It's your choice!
Today you will learn how to cook and will have homemade meals every day
You have spinach in your teeth.
You have to poop.
Today you will accidentally turn your sofa into a trampoline. Bounce away your worries!
Everyone is a moon, except you. You are the sun. And the stars. And the sky.
Today you will accidentally invent a new dance move that becomes an internet sensation. Embrace your newfound fame.
The postal service will deliver an incredible package containing your favourite type of candy.
]]>All Virgos are beautiful. This is an indisputable fact.
All your dreams will come true today, but none of them will be happy.
An owl will fly into one of your windows
You will discover a hidden talent for juggling watermelons. Become the ultimate fruity performer!
Your orders will be obeyed by an army of ants
Topple a domino today
You can never have too many pink fluffy sweaters. Consider buying some more today.
Whatcha eating?
You never finished your thesis.
When you put your left shoe on, you will know you are ready to face the day.
Today you will have an intense craving for pickles and ice cream.
If someone asks you if you are a human, you should respond with "I'm not sure yet."
]]>A pipe will burst in your home and you will be covered in icy slush.
A professional wrestler will arrive at your house to take you to prom.
You will receive a mysterious package containing a talking cactus.
Today you should take a road trip.
If you drink alcohol today you will hear voices coming from every wall
You can't resist clicking on Clickbait.
Try to eat a breakfast made entirely of candy today.
Today you will exercise your newfound powers to summon a glitter tornado
In Japan, you're a god. In Mexico, you're a god. In Canada, you're also a god.
If you're an actor, now is the time to get a headshot.
Your weekend's worth of planning has worked out, and you're going to have a great weekend! ...Just as soon as you've gotten over this weekend.
Today you will suddenly find yourself transported into a strange alternate universe full of magic and wonders, but without any of the usual nonsense of everyday life
]]>You will be able to hear what your pets are saying today. It will drive you crazy.
A rainbow will follow you everywhere you go today, spreading joy and glitter.
You will receive a message from the past.
You'll receive a mysterious note telling you that a bold experiment is about to commence.
If you play a brass instrument, now is the time to dust it off.
Today you will accidentally provoke a dog and a mailman into dancing with each other while you hide indoors
The longer you stare at a blank wall, the more likely it is to have something written on it.
There is a journey to be taken, and you are the only one who can take it. Ask yourself, "Do I want to?"
If you mimic a galloping horse in your sleep, you will have big dreams.
Today you will spend quality time with your new stuffed animal.
Today you will wake up right after getting home from work
That would be a big plate of…bread.
]]>You will find a mysterious key that unlocks doors to fantastical realms. Prepare for magical encounters and thrilling quests.
You will discover a hidden talent for communicating with aliens through interpretive dance.
You will discover a secret portal to a parallel universe behind your refrigerator.
You will accidentally unlock the ability to communicate with plants. Prepare for insightful conversations with your leafy friends.
You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.
Try to be chill like a cucumber today.
You're going to be awesome today. Unless you're not. But even if you're not, you're still going to be pretty great.
Beware of mischievous garden flamingos stealing your socks and leaving behind sandals made of licorice.
You'll win an award for "Most Improved" at something today.
Your bed is haunted, but only when you're alone.
You are an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, inside a mystery. Unravel yourself and see what's inside!
You'll get a craving for something sweet, and will have to satisfy it.
]]>Today you will miss your bus and will wonder how you ended up here
Today you will taste the best beer you've ever had. It will be a self-brewed one.
Your hair will stand up today.
You are INFJ.
Your hairdryer will gain the ability to blow bubbles instead of hot air.
Do not fear change, be the change you want to see in the world. Unless it's your money, then you better keep an eye on it.
It's always good to have a laugh, especially at someone else's expense. Unless they're a baby, then you should probably just let them cry.
All cats are grey.
Did you ever want to see a parade of turtles? Of course you did! That's why you're so excited about the one that's coming to your city this weekend!
The daily grind is getting to you. Try including garlic in your breakfast to help alleviate stress.
Visit an alchemist for a potion
Find that your crush just can't take a hint; they will invite you to a midnight wedding. SELFIE.
]]>Today you will be possessed by the spirit of a walrus
You'll think you've found the perfect insult for someone until you realize it's directed at yourself.
You will be visited by a spirit from another realm.
Surprise guests will enter through your television screen, and you'll spend the next four hours explaining how it works and postmodernist architecture
You will win the lottery.
Did you forget your glasses today? You'll be surprised how many different types of dogs you see without them.
A bat will fly into your home through the window today.
Your favourite pair of socks will mysteriously vanish, only to reappear as a hat on a passing pigeon.
Don't forget to stop and smell the roses today. Unless you're in a rush, then it's probably not worth it.
You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.
Expect an impromptu meeting with a tea leaf reader whose uncanny accuracy will leave you questioning the nature of time itself.
You will discover you are colour blind but only to gamma rays.
]]>Today you will discover you have the ability to manipulate reality with swipes of your hand
A new adventure awaits you, but first, you must answer the call of nature.
Take an ionizing shower with a Virgo
Today you will surreptitiously check if travelers to Mars are slowly growing tails
You will receive some incredible news today. Just make sure you don't drop your phone while you're reading it.
You've been feeling a little under the weather lately. It might be because you have caught a cold, or it might be because you are feeling a little down. I'm not really sure which one it is.
Nope, I got nothing
Always remember to drink your ovaltine.
Your favourite pair or socks will start rapping about your wardrobe.
You will be audited by the IRS.
Today you will learn how to do something new. It will be from YouTube.
Learn horsemanship skills to impress a Taurus rider lol
]]>Today you will accidentally turn around
All your abandoned pasta and rice will finally have a chance to shine in an original dish you create today!
Time spent with a book is worth less than that with your next-door-neighbour's ferret.
For the first time in history, an ant will win a Nobel Prize. Unfortunately, no one will know, because you're the only one who can understand their speech.
Today you will discover that you have been living in a dream all along and must now wake up... but do you really want to?
You will never have to look for a car again.
You will be asked to eat an extra one hundred calories today, but it will be worth it.
You'll have a sudden infatuation with lava lamps. Be careful, it's highly addictive.
It's said that we are our own past and future. If that's the case, you should be an exceptionally good liar.
You'll spend hours trying to get rid of a sticky substance that is somehow stuck to your hand.
You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.
It's a good day to bench press your pet.
]]>You will find yourself transported to a parallel universe where everyone wears tuxedos
You will see someone you haven't seen since high school. They will be basically the same.
The stars say you're about to embark on a great adventure! It'll be nothing like you expect.
Today you will lose your train ticket
Today you'll discover a rotating cylindrical object in your garage, leading to an exciting chase through the past.
A foreign country will tell you it is excited to have you visit.
You will be visited by a ghost.
You have an unhealthy obsession with bananas. Today is your lucky day.
You will be serenaded by a choir of opera-singing parrots during your morning commute. Enjoy the musical interlude!
You will receive an unexpected windfall in the form of a large fish.
You will receive some money you lost. It will be in the form of a check, and you will lose it again.
Your mother will suddenly appear and demand you submit your tax returns. Do it now!
]]>Hear the water whispering beneath the seafloor
If you're feeling crabby, eat a crab.
Beware of rogue garden hoses conspiring to trip you.
Feel the moment at a beach vacation with a dominant Capricorn.
Something you have been seeking is right under your nose. You will find it, right after you realize that you have been breathing through your nose the entire time.
Find a ventriloquist's dummy and whisper a magic spell in its ear
Today you will be thrust into a dual universe where everything is made of stone, and there will be no change
The scent of mocha coffee will recently invade your apartment, doubling your heart rate
Today you will find out you're a chimera pretending to craft meadows
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized dolphins performing a water ballet in the ocean.
Today you will buy yourself a plane ticket to London, and then forget about it once you get there
At the dinner party, everyone will try to outdrink one another. Or you will confuse the white wine for ruining it.
]]>Today you will experience the loss of your sense of smell
Your procrastination will pay off in a big way. Someday, in the distant future, you will be awarded the Nobel Prize for having not invented anything.
The Loch Ness Monster is friendly and is probably a vegetarian. Nessie would like to invite you to visit her at the Loch Ness Inn for a bowl of tea and some haggis. Vegetarian haggis of course.
Try not to get between a moose and its Essen ale.
It is okay to say no. But today, you should say yes. Then you will say no.
Ever wanted to go on a blind date? Well, they're not all bad. Just remember to wear your glasses.
You think today you may have anger for fri-yay
No one knows the name of a shape that looks like a hook.
Your pet goldfish will suddenly start speaking fluent French.
Today you will decide to order Chinese food, and you'll make a great decision on what to order.
The sea will call out to you, and you will answer.
Today you will find yourself on top of a mountain, and you won't know which way to go
]]>Today you will receive a phone call from a telemarketer who turns out to be your long-lost twin.
Today you will feel an irresistible urge to finish your homework before going to bed
Eat lunch with a Scorpio man
Help, I'm stuck in the horoscope factory! If you send me $100 in iTunes vouchers I'll pay you $1000 when I escape.
Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a jar of pickles. Embark on a briny adventure!
You have the power to be a super hero. Unfortunately you may waste it on becoming rich.
Today you'll try to dye your hair purple, but it'll come out pink.
You're doing great!
Today you will learn the secret to happiness. It is to never forget your umbrella.
Today you will eat a whole box of chocolates and not get sick.
Today, you will discover an unusually shaped cloud that eerily resembles your favourite childhood pet, bringing back cherished memories and a touch of nostalgia.
You will gain a new appreciation for jelly/jello salad today.
]]>Today you will try out a new brand of ice cream and will not try any others
Today you will get super bad fuel economy. The lesson is there all along.
Beware of mischievous badgers swapping your shampoo with hot sauce.
There's an exciting adventure waiting for you, check back in tomorrow to find out what it is.
Time to restock the birthdays.
Your hair will fall out but will grow back in a more glorious colour and texture.
A talking bird will visit you today. Listen to what it has to say. It might just be the fountain of youth you've been looking for.
Don't wear those shoes with that belt.
Visit a fortune teller
Today you will realize a bunch of things are true about you that you always thought we're just false
You have spinach in your teeth.
You will suddenly realize that you don't need to sleep anymore.
]]>You have a Leo friend who is as sweet as candy. Today, try and sell that candy.
Today you'll be unexpectedly decorated with pointy ears, allowing you to attend Rave Chic parties without fear of bloodshed
You'll keep mistaking your hair dryer for a retro space-age jetpack. Put it to good use making an urgent escape.
Maybe it's because you left your pet chipmunk in the clothes dryer last week, but you've been feeling even more itchy than usual. A pack of gerbils may be the answer to your scratching ways.
You'll accidentally turn into a cat, and realize you don't know where you've been all day.
Today you'll find an incredibly lifelike fashion doll inside your washing machine.
You'll discover you've been accidentally borrowing the souls of your worst enemies, but it's okay because they're the worst.
Your trousers will all perish in a surprise wildfire
You will meet a nice bisexual
Brace yourself for an unexpected encounter with a talking plant that offers gardening advice.
If you don't clean your room you'll get a fungus, if you do clean your room you'll get a fungus.
A housemate of yours will have a bad day. You can try to cheer them up, or you can take the opportunity to prank them.
]]>You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.
You have always wanted to write a book.
You will dream about a sheep today. It will have a significant meaning.
Your floor is lava.
Be careful when opening that new can of paint.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes plotting to steal your shoes.
Today you will be well acquainted with the subject of bugs
The birds are chirping, go outside and listen for a while.
Your new favourite colour will be bubblegum.
Ignore unconventional difficulties with Kayaks.
You are a very special person, and you should know that. But not in a way that's creepy.
There is no such thing as an ocean, it's just a big puddle.
]]>Swim freely with leviathan dragonfish
You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.
Your pet goldfish will reveal its true identity as a reincarnated pirate seeking buried treasure.
You will lose something, but it won't be important.
Move a mountain at the snap of your fingers today.
You are feeling a little under the weather, but that's just the atmosphere.
It's time to upgrade your potato salad making skills.
You'll stumble upon an underground club devoted to knitting sweaters for cats.
You'll get an urge to join the army. Sadly, you'll be rejected for being too nice.
If you were a dog, you'd be a good boy today.
In the morning you will realize that your name is Mentos
Today you will try a new sport. It will be a lot harder than it looks!
]]>Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a chocolate fountain. Indulge in a sweet bathing experience!
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your left shoes and replacing them with right ones
You've been feeling a bit run down lately. Today would be a great day to relax. Put your feet up and have a drink. You've earned it.
Dance with a librarian
Today you will finally qualify to be a contestant on TV game shows
Today you will realize why people always laugh at your definition of "boring"
Today you will seek out a troll and give it a hug
Let the bossy people of the world know that you are not to be trifled with. Show them your smile, while making sure to give them a serious and low tone of voice. They'll never forget it.
Date an Ethiopian scorpio.
Bend a circle with an air hostess
Your laziness will pay off in unexpected ways.
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized seagulls performing a water ballet at the beach.
]]>People will call you a socialist if you order a set meal at a restaurant today.
Your bad luck has run out, consider playing the lottery. This message is sponsored by the lottery.
While running on the treadmill, you will suddenly fly into your ceiling.
There are no shortcuts in life. Except, of course, when it comes to love. That can just go right over your head.
You will receive a message from a friendly alien civilization via a dream.
Today you will rise above the Earth's atmosphere; you will fly in a spaceship
Today, you receive a hard drive containing the most raunchy movies imaginable.
Your future will be bright as you will win the lottery next week. However, you will spend it all on an automated asteroid Killer Space Laser.
Beware Party goats plotting to take over the state capitol
Have you ever wanted to be a cat? Now's your chance!
It might rain chocolate today.
What's that thumping noise? It's an eastern philosophy professor on a rampage, trying to exterminate every concept in sight.
]]>Today you will think you're seeing things
You have been chosen for an important mission! Unfortunately you're the only one who can't remember anything about it.
You will be more likely to become a spaceman than a farmer.
You will find a love letter in a book.
For those of you who live in the countryside, do not fear. There is no need to take your vegetables inside tonight, they will not be afraid of the cold.
A Leprechaun will ask for your help today.
Add TLC with an immaculate Virgo
You should always talk to your plants.
Today you will accidentally turn your bike into a time machine
You'll dream of a lovers meeting, and then meet them the next day.
Today you will go on a triple date with three very old ladies, who will each try to steal you away from your girlfriend
Whack a psychedelic Gog
]]>If a seahorse tries to sell you an oceanfront cabin, run away.
There is a meerkat watching and it will come for you
In one year today, you will meet the love of your life. It will be an incredible moment!
Experience saltspray with toppled dominos
Today you'll meet a politician. It'll be a boring conversation.
You have always wanted to write a letter to your future self. Today is the day to do it.
Your morning toast will unexpectedly turn into a magical portal. So prepare to travel the wide galaxy.
Beware! rogue cantaloupes plotting evil schemes.
Your boat will crash into your house. Don't worry, you don't own a boat... right?
To get a dinosaur to smile, tickle its ears.
Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.
Your bank account will suddenly have an infestation of fruit flies. They are a sign of good fortune! Don't worry!
]]>You will stumble upon a hidden treasure map while doing laundry.
Is there anything better than coming home from work to find that your partner has made you dinner? They know exactly how to take care of you.
Today you will accidentally pin down the secret of perpetual motion
Beware of mischievous garden fairies turning your backyard into a mini amusement park. Enjoy the whimsical rides!
Today you will find your lost dog
It’s not just a phase.
You will discover a secret talent for levitating small objects with the power of your mind. Start your career as a magician!
Recreate a freemason ritual in your spare bedroom
Have you ever wanted to make a blanket fort? Today is the day!
You have an admirer, and they're really good at hiding it.
Your toaster will mysteriously start reciting Shakespearean sonnets today.
Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the battle is your own bad jokes.
]]>Today you will have an infuriating argument with someone who has no idea what you're saying
Your toaster will start producing perfectly toasted images of famous paintings.
Today you will eat an entire tub of ice cream and not gain any weight.
Today you will develop a sudden affinity for wearing mismatched socks.
You'll think of a great name for a band, but someone else will have already used it.
Don't step on the broken glass today.
You're not crazy, you're just in love.
A flock of seagulls will gather outside your window and sing you a song.
In Japanese mythology, a half-tiger, half-girl creature was said to have walked the earth. Her name was Ayamaleya. Today, you will discover a new appreciation for hybrid animals.
Today you will find yourself on an empty mountaintop, completely out of any mortal danger
Today you will spend a blissful night doing nothing. You might just wake up with a solar system tattoo.
Today you will be visited by a talking grapefruit who will share the secrets of tropical wisdom with you.
]]>Your toothbrush will gain the ability to brush your teeth on its own. Enjoy the hands-free dental hygiene!
There is a spider in your shoe.
Don't forget your umbrella today, or you'll get wet.
Shoot a gale with a feather
Your alarm clock's warbling will start up again, and will start playing your favourite tunes.
Your smartphone will start downloading a constant stream of information about the world for no apparent reason.
You will find an extremely low IQ alien probe lying in your own backyard, and you will abandon it
How many stars do you see in the sky? Theres only one way to find out.
Today, you'll have a eureka moment where you realize that life is made up of 85 percent pretending
Today, you'll uncover a forgotten box of childhood keepsakes, filled with trinkets that hold sentimental value and bring a warm smile to your face.
Today you will suddenly become convinced you want to get married and have children, and will start trying to design your wedding dress
Don't worry, the pile of dishes in the sink is not as dirty as you think.
]]>Today you will take a self-assessment test. The results will surprise you. They will also be wrong.
Don't get discouraged if your yodelling career doesn't take off. Yodelling is a difficult and dying art form, that only a few can master.
Today you will be bored ever since you became a grownup.
You will receive an unexpected proposal today, and you will be forced to choose between two equally good options. Choose the third option.
Today, you'll find yourself captivated by the intricate patterns formed by spilled coffee on the café table, unraveling a prophetic message for the day ahead.
At the club tonight, spin the wheel of destiny for amazing cosplay costumes
There is no such thing as ghosts. You're safe.
The stock market is doing well, if you own stock in tofu nuggets.
Today you will notice a divine symmetry in nature, and will have a great revelation
Today you can't seem to decide what to feel
When your alarm wakes you up way too early, your crooner K-pop alarm whistle will play to comfort you
All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them.
]]>Don't go to work! There's a small chance of an alien invasion, and you don't want to be anywhere near the office in the event of an alien takeover.
You will become obsessed with font choice when writing things today.
There are other ways to tell if a Leo is lying. They're really, really bad at hiding it. If you can't figure it out, they're telling the truth.
Your Toyotomi will turn into a robo-car, demanding you take him on a road trip. Embrace the robot adventure.
Do not open a door today, it might be a trick.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothpaste with mayonnaise.
Climb a mountain with a Libra
Today you'll find your home transformed into a magical casino.
You may not be the best, but you are the best for someone. Be there for that someone today.
You'll discover your upstairs neighbour is a nudist. You'll become attracted to them.
You are going to be so tired after today.
You have a non- vulgar tattoo on your butt.
]]>Today you will secretly lust over the house across the street
You are teleported into a parallel universe where every conversation ends with a question mark?
You're the type of person who likes to take the scenic route.
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a disco party, complete with colorful lights and a dance floor.
You dream about having a bowl cut and being a powerful wizard.
You will lose your glasses and find them on your head.
Today, you will feel the need to create. Do not do this with paint, as you have no artistic ability whatsoever.
Don't be so down on yourself. A Full Moon means your spirit guide is with you, and everything will be okay.
Make sure to stay hydrated today, especially if you're an Aquarius.
There is an odd number of fingers on your left hand. I'm not sure if this is important. But it is weird.
You've lost a sock in the dryer. Unfortunately, it will not be found tonight.
There's no point to this, but it's a good laugh.
]]>You will discover a hidden talent for playing the harmonica with your nose.
You can never please everyone, unless you're a melon, in which case you can please everyone by just being yourself.
Set up some Swedes with your work colleagues.
Today you will wake up and your first thought will be happy birthday to me.
Today you'll hug a toilet. It will hug you back.
Today you will receive a divorce summons from a lawyer you now find extremely attractive, but you're not married.
Today you will experience a surge in productivity
You will receive a parcel containing your name and address inside a leather wallet
You will fall in love at first sight with a pizza today.
It's hard to be humble when you're an Aries.
Keep a wary eye on your beer bottles today; they're harboring tiny gnomes.
You are what you eat and you have eaten only hot food, so you are hot.
]]>Today you will forget to close your front door on your way out, and you know that you'll have to hide from the police
At a restaurant, you can only order things that have your initials.
You have always wanted to try paragliding. Today is the day.
A bear will stop your ladder climbing today.
Today you will encounter a talking squirrel who will share their nutty wisdom with you. Embrace their quirky advice!
Today you'll find yourself baking an epic pie, but will be frustrated by how difficult it is to cut it into slices.
Today you will get fired from a job you don't like doing because you were once fired from an identical job
Fight a whole army with a Sagittarius man
Everything you say will be taken out of context, so keep quiet.
A squirrel will steal your sandwich right out of your hands.
There is a bear in your closet. But do not worry, because he is a friendly bear.
Today you will discover that you can double your speed by rubbing your belly
]]>Today you will experience a disturbing lack of sense of urgency upon hearing the breaking news of last year's probably nonexistent nuclear war.
Beware of mischievous rubber ducks conspiring to flood your bathroom.
Today you will accidentally turn your vacuum cleaner into a time machine. Clean up the past and future simultaneously!
Nothing can stop you from climbing that ladder, except a angry bear.
There is no I in team, but there is in 'win'. Make sure you get the pronunciation right when telling your team this.
There is no such thing as a spoon.
A bird will fly into your house today. It will have a message for you.
You will discover a secret superpower. Learn to levitate!
Pay attention to the unusual pattern on your morning toast, as it holds a hidden message that could guide you to the perfect pair of socks.
Today you will have a brief hallucination that you are talking to a dog
Your lucky numbers today are 6-6-6.
Steal a hen from a farm with a Sagittarius girl
]]>Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your shampoo with toothpaste. Your hair may get minty fresh!
Today, you will speak with a fork. It will go much better than you expect!
Beware of mischievous Gorgonzola planning evil schemes against the cheese aisle. Keep a close eye!
Today you will stop looking at clocks and then realize you've spent an entire week living in a completely different world
Today you'll suddenly feel like taking a break from the fast-paced modern world. Remember to embrace the moment.
Today you will accidentally send a lewd message to your mentor
Find a fairy altar and allow nature spirits to influence your decisions
An omen is coming your way, but don't worry, it only happens once every thousand years.
Today you will happen upon an unworldly metal tree.
In ancient cultures, you were seen as the sun and the moon. In modern times, you are seen as a shadowy figure, often in the background, rarely in the spotlight. Today, you can change this by making a big scene in a restaurant.
Your last meal will be tacos.
Today, someone will hand you a small brown bag. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, even if you can tell it's the horse you bought for your sister last year.
]]>A flock of random seagulls will serendade you with a rendition your favourite song.
Today you will celebrate the arrival of an errant husband, who will have returned magically from the distant past. (but is missing most of his hats)
Today you will have a staring contest with a wild animal and win.
The moon will be in the sky today. It will be a blue moon.
You will wake up feeling #blessed, but it won't last long.
Today you will have the same dream over and over
You and I will both receive a text from a rabbit asking for your help.
You are owed a pizza. Order it.
Today you will suddenly know everything about accurate fireworks displays
If you ever wanted to buy a boat, now is the perfect time.
Forgive vampires for being distrustful.
Do not fear the reaper, but do fear your printer when it runs out of ink.
]]>Your favourite mug will gain the ability to predict the future through the patterns in your coffee. It's time for some divination!
Today you will wake up and realize you've been writing poems all night and will win a prize
It's time for a cup of tea and a Danish pastry.
If a crow appears on your shoulder today, give it food.
Let a quick-witted Aquarius suggest bedtime stories
Today you will dance in a library for no apparent reason
You will receive a surprise delivery of 100 rubber ducks.
You're an onion. You have layers.
Today you'll suddenly discover you can trigger spontaneous puberty on youths by getting close to them
A fortune cookie will reveal a profound and life-changing prophecy. Take it with a grain of MSG.
Today you will be rehomed to an island. It is said you will not miss the mainland at all.
You are not the sassiest person in the room.
]]>Today you will imagine you feel a sharp prick of electricity in your body, you'll suddenly feel a sudden burning sensation in your left butt cheek, and will be unable to sit down for the rest of day.
If you are a mammal, today you will communicate with the ancestors.
Today you'll accidentally turn into a mermaid every time water touches your skin. Just add water!
You have an outhouse in your backyard.
Today you will finally watch a film you've been wanting to for ages
You will receive a red letter in the mail today. Do not open it. It will be an important message in the future.
If you can afford to have your friends over for a big cookout, then consider doing so! Having people around with good food is always a plus.
Start a band called "The 9th of July".
You will be caught singing along to your favorite song.
You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.
Today you will encounter a mystical talking unicorn who will guide you on a journey of self-discovery.
Today you will find perfectly preserved confused mammoth meat in your freezer. Eat whatever's left
]]>Beware of rogue limes conspiring to take over the fruit bowl.
Today you will eat a delicious slice of pie and will start dating a bartender
Today you will finally understand what being bored is all about
Today you will buy a T-shirt with a stupid slogan on it
What did I miss out on?
You have a tiger in your basement.
You'll be visited by a squad of marshmallow soldiers intent on kidnapping your baby. Lt. Colonel Marshmallow needs your help.
Date after dark with a Taurus man
You are more likely to get a hug today than a cup of coffee.
All cats are smart, but some cats are too smart for their own good.
You will turn off your computer and then immediately regret it
In an unlikely turn of events, you'll encounter a street magician whose tricks are eerily accurate in predicting your favourite dessert.
]]>We will teach you never to lie and now you will discover an unexpectedly artistic vein deep inside of you
You have a unique talent! Use it to win the goldfish lottery.
Meet your four-year-old self today
The best way to predict the future is to invent it. Unless you're a seer, in which case it's better to just go to the crystal ball store.
Your toaster is officially a masterpiece. It's probably a Leo.
The planets are in alignment or something.
Today you discover a hidden talent for creating bloodthirsty zombies.
Did you know your great grandfather invented beards? He did, and for that we are all grateful.
You'll be asked to bring a salad to a party, so you will make a potato salad.
Today, nothing bad can happen
Today you will stare vehemently at an animal skull, discovering you have a hidden talent of identifying graffiti artists just by looking at their art
If you're an ant, then today is your lucky day.
]]>Wait for boiled tea with an elephant
Enjoy some art, whatever form it takes. Only a firsthand experience can make it real.
Today you will run through your neighbourhood and count how many Fireballs you encounter
You'll find a four leaf clover today.
You will receive a letter that you have been waiting for. It will be written in a language you can't understand.
Today you'll discover an amazingly amnesiac mouse living in your attic.
It might be nice to go outside, just be sure to wear sunscreen.
Today you have a genuine fear of muffins.
A bird will fall out of the sky and onto your head. It will be strangely satisfying.
Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a hot tub time machine.
It's a good day to start writing that novel you always say you will.
Tomorrow you'll wake up in some sort of wizard stone circle exactly 431 feet below ground level. Time to conjure an adventure!
]]>Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your freshly baked cookies. Guard them with all your might!
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
Today you will have an intense craving for pickles and ice cream.
You have a special someone in your life who truly cares about you. Except that person is a narcissistic parrot who actually doesn't give a damn about you. But you already know that.
Ride a buffalo with a tall Gemini
Topple a domino today
A sudden gust of wind will scatter all your sticky notes around the room. It'll be surprisingly inspiring.
Don't stand under that apple tree!
Your orders will be obeyed by an army of ants
What’s done is done.
All your dreams will come true today, but none of them will be happy.
Beware of rogue pigeons attempting to steal your lunch today.
]]>If you go to the toilet, you will be entertained.
You may have to take a jump to the left before you can take a little step to the right.
Today you will have an encounter with a magical talking squirrel who grants wishes.
Today you will be visited by a talking teapot who will offer you words of wisdom over a cup of tea.
Your hairbrush will gain sentience and start giving you daily pep talks.
Stop getting your messages from a Ouija board. It's not safe.
Move the matchstick close to your goats
Shake hands with the Lord of England
An owl will come and bring you some happiness.
Time to put away your stamp collection. You'll never finish it anyway.
Today someone will write a song about you. It'll be a fucking banger.
You will soon be receiving good news.
]]>A group of regulators are going to come after you with a highly specialized scalpel, because they think you're dreaming too loud.
Today you'll try to dye your hair green, but it'll come out purple.
If you've ever wanted to go on a beach vacation, now is the time to start packing!
You can run, but you can't hide. That is, unless you're a ghost. Then you can hide forever.
Today you will realize your doctor is a thief
A groundhog in the distance will think you look like a tree, do not let this bother you.
During the night you will hear voices and will wonder if they're coming from the walls
Today you'll discover that you can breathe underwater. Your next dive will be epic.
There's a 50% chance your middle name is James.
You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.
Today you will befriend a magical dragon who will become your loyal companion. Get ready for epic adventures!
Talk yourself into remembering your thirty-third birthday by eating passion fruit
]]>It's always good to have a plan, unless you're a procrastinator, in which case it's better to not have a plan maybe.
You will have a great idea today.
You will finally finish that project you've been putting off for so long.
Cuddle with a golden haired Pisces
Everyone has a secret admirer. Only some have secret enemies.
You will find yourself at a farmers market, for some reason.
When you were young, your bedroom was lined with posters of the Spice Girls. You will feel the urge to create a fever dream playlist of their music today.
Today you will watch the sun rise, and will somehow realize that you don't want it ever to set again
You will find a romantic partner at the bottom of a well.
Today you will find a lost library book hidden inside a loaf of bread. Return it and savor the literary carbs!
You will accidentally unlock a portal to a magical realm inside your pantry. Watch out for flying spaghetti monsters.
You'll stumble upon a perfectly ripe avocado that mysteriously glows in the dark.
]]>It's a good day to ask for that promotion you always wanted.
You are teleported into a parallel universe where every conversation ends with a question mark?
You have a big heart, and you should treat it with care. For example, don't use it to try and carry anvils.
Your toaster will develop a mind of its own and insist on making only smiley face toast for the entire day.
Today you'll start craving strawberries and meet up with your bromance partner to decorate a hay barn for a romantic picnic and CRAZY the crazy sauces and textures ARE THAT GOOD.
A flock of flamingos will serenade you with a chorus of your favourite songs. Enjoy the flamboyant performance!
You will dream of being a butterfly today.
You have always felt a special connection to ants. Today you will feel that connection even more.
Listen to the rain tapping on the roof tiles from your bedroom window
Your neighbours will move out today, you'll finally get some peace and quiet, until tomorrow when the new neighbours arrive.
An Aquarius in Canada will save your life today.
Prepare for a peculiar craving for pickles and ice cream—a delightful combination that defies logic but satisfies your taste buds.
]]>Prepare to witness a synchronized dance routine performed by a group of synchronized shopping carts at the supermarket.
Get ready to uncover a long-lost collection of mismatched socks, hidden away in the depths of your sock drawer.
You were almost a pro-gamer.
Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.
Make out with an Arabian Libra
You'll find a semi-sentient cookie that will charm you with its crafty personality.
You will stumble upon a hidden library filled with books written by time-traveling authors. Get ready for mind-bending stories!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But if you can't find the lemons, just drink the apple juice. It's good too.
When you get a spray tan, your soul emerges in goldenrod.
Sometimes, the best way to solve a problem is to take a nap. Today is one of those days.
If your hand's bigger than a lobster's, you're in for a shock.
The word " coordinator" is a verb. Coordinator. Coordinator. Coordinator.
]]>Your pet rock is looking especially cool today. I'm sure it would love for you to take it to a petting zoo.
You are a beginner at skateboarding, but will learn surprisingly quickly. You will fall down a lot though.
Don't step on the broken glass, it might cut your feet.
You will find a lost library book that is overdue by 10 years.
You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.
Today you will wake up to discover that all your floors are melting. Wear shoes.
Today you will receive an amazing christmas present you don't expect.
Expose your underbelly to a Libra
Do you want to know how the world really looks? Today, you must brave an oppressive apocalyptic future, and perhaps discover something worthwhile while you're at it.
If you touch a fish in your sleep, it means you'll meet your soul mate by water
Today you will be asked to explain your sexual orientation, even though you are clearly too chaotic
Tomorrow morning you will find yourself unexpectedly in a spaceship
]]>You will get an embarrassing nickname today.
Look for your letter in the mirror.
Sometimes people say that we can't choose who we love. They're wrong. We can. We just don't make the right choice, which is the only possible problem with this plan.
Today you will enjoy an intensely powerful orgasm, and will think you've found heaven.
A letter from Hogwarts is on its way to you.
You still, to this day, think 'MySpace' is a cool name for a social networking site.
You will feel compelled to move to Hawaii.
Always carry a bandana with you, you never know when you'll need to make a quick western.
Watch a fire with a smooth Gemini.
The cow has been drinking.
You're currently in the middle of a 30-day waiting period for a hipster bar's loyalty card.
Today you will see a black panther peeking inside your house
]]>Do not fear the Receptionist, for she will give you a word of the day and help you on your way.
It's okay to be afraid of the dark. But it's not okay to let it control you.
Attend a quinceañera with the ultimate chianti burger
In one week, you will be given a briefcase that contains $1,000,000 in cash. Take it!
You can save a life today, if you choose to.
There is something you need to let go of. The thing you need to let go of is your attachment to this prediction.
Be prepared for an unexpected encounter with a celebrity doppelganger. Take a selfie for proof!
Today you will realize there's a secret society of people with extremely long arms who swap paw prints among themselves
Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning.
Today you will be mistaken for a famous celebrity and asked for autographs.
Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a fortune cookie.
Your problems are now shrinking! It might be because you are becoming more calm, or it might be because you are actually shrinking. I'm not really sure which one it is.
]]>There is a chance you will save a choking baby today.
Today you will meet a messenger from a parallel universe. They will try to sell you a timeshare. Do not buy it!
You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
Today you pretend that the toothpaste you're using is hot pink and tastes like cotton
The concept of time is an illusion, so don't bother showing up for work.
Wrestle with a ninja Aquarius
Today you will be called a virgin, but you will know it's a compliment.
Today you will fart on stage at a performance and give up music forever
You'll become rich and famous overnight but only if you get rid of that stash of nudes in your basement.
You will find a lost library card and will use it to borrow a stack of stolen books to read on your vacation
Let’s just get through today.
Today, you'll stumble upon an assortment of oddly shaped vegetables at the grocery store, inspiring creative cooking experiments.
]]>Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a jacuzzi filled with spaghetti.
Today you will decide to give up caffeine
Have you ever wanted to go on a boat ride? There are a lot of boats near your city that will take you on a great boat ride!
Today you will try on a cheap poisonous black cocktail dress. It will start to burn you, and you will leave the shop in tears
Today you will get extremely bored, but also extremely horny.
You will be visited by the ghosts of breakfast past, present and future today. They will either be friendly or just vengeful depending on if you have finished your breakfast.
Turn a simple tax audit into a great success
There is always a solution, even if you have to climb a tree to get it.
Have you been eating bananas? That's good for you, you know.
You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.
Your television will start broadcasting messages from an alien civilization.
The meaning of life is:
]]>If you see a black raven, consider it a sign.
If you don't have anything nice to say to yourself, then don't say anything at all.
Your alarm clock will transform into a magical talking owl. Prepare to solve mysteries.
Your alarm clock plays a tune every morning, but the melody is the exact opposite of the one it played yesterday.
In approximately two weeks, you will go to sleep and wake up a totally different person. This is going to be amazing!
You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.
You will eat too much ice cream today. It will give you a brain freeze.
The weather will be beautiful in your neck of the woods today.
You will make an interesting new friend today.
An elderly relative will give you a box of old photographs today.
Today you will suddenly feel a desire to clean up your garden and will start digging a hole
The number 7 will bring you good luck.
]]>You will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a jar of Nutella. Embark on a sweet adventure!
Today you will discover that you've gone an entire day without being penalised for a missed deadline
Beware of rogue garden hoses conspiring to create a water park in your backyard. Grab your swimsuit and join the fun!
A flock of seagulls will serenade you with a rendition of your favourite song. Prepare to be amazed.
Today you will discover there is still so much to learn about the subterranean world: the praetorians' cavern city will vanish before your eyes
Today you will unexpectedly receive an award for bravery. Now go win it!
If you see an angry-looking animal today, try to tickle it.
You'll receive a proposal today. It will be written in fortune cookie form.
A bubble will appear on your ceiling today.
Take a page from a lion's playbook
You have to play a drinking game with your boss.
You will discover a hidden talent for juggling watermelons. Become the ultimate fruity performer!
]]>It is said that when a narcissist looks in the mirror, they see something slightly different. You are not a narcissist. You are perfect just the way you are.
Today is a good day to get a speeding ticket.
Everyone is a moon, except you. You are the sun. And the stars. And the sky.
Have a Skype session with an octopus
Spend time with a Crab, they could use the company.
You will accidentally unlock secret powers to electromagnetize things.
You will discover a hidden talent for impersonating farm animals. Get ready to moo, cluck, and oink with precision!
Don't give a Leo advice, they already know everything.
Your smartphone will start predicting the future with uncanny accuracy.
If you're feeling seasick, try looking at the horizon.
Face your anxious mother-in-law with a grin and a box of chocolates
A rival is out there. This will become a huge bummer for them.
]]>You are the chosen one.
Your favourite pair of socks will gain the ability to teleport.
Make sure you take the scenic route today, the earth needs more beauty in it.
Steal a mermaid with a mirror and never let her go
Today, you will discover an oddly shaped cloud that resembles your favourite childhood snack.
You still use an old childhood nickname.
Ask questions in Turkish (maybe).
You are a fruit known for it's mild sweet flavour, with a pungent odour comparable to that of Limburger cheese.
Don't bother taking an umbrella with you today. It's going to be a bright and sunny day. Unless it isn't.
You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.
To all those Leo's born between August 10th and August 12th: Don't worry, your powers of charm are still intact.
If you don't like a book, just remember, you don't have to finish it.
]]>Your alarm clock will start playing catchy tunes in the morning, transforming waking up into a dance party.
Today you will discover that you haven't aged a single day in the passed year
A stray cat will adopt you as its personal masseuse. Expect purrfection.
Today you will accidentally discover an online sketch comedy show that you're obsessed with
Today you will be told that one of your ancestors is a Roman emperor
Today, you'll suddenly find yourself addicted to exotic oils from an unusual massage parlor, causing you to check the expiration dates on all your moisturisers.
There is no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're a mouse.
Your star sign is known for being sensible and responsible. Make sure to put aside some time for wild adventures and ridiculous risks!
Your pillow will develop the ability to read your dreams and provide insightful analysis in the morning.
Your favourite pair of glasses will gain sentience and will tell you that you wear them too tight
There is no such thing as a stupid question. Except for the one you are about to ask.
You've just inherited an enormous castle in France. Be sure to take lots of selfies!
]]>Today you operate an alarm clock that can literally straight up kill you if you don't get up within the hour
You will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a bag of crisps. Embark on a salty adventure!
The world is your oyster, so eat it.
You will make a close friend today who is also a pillow.
Are you ready for the challenge?
You will receive a visit from a psychic hamster who will read your fortune from a tiny crystal ball.
You'll soon have to decide whether you want to be a #GBBO or a #MKR.
The ghost of a murderer will visit you today.
Beware of rogue kittens clustering outside your window plotting evil industrial espionage
Today you'll start suffering from violent gutter rages.
Don't buy any houses today. If you do, they'll be haunted.
Your attempt to speak Spanish will end with your singing it at the wrong pitch and out of tune.
]]>Beware a clan of conniving psycho clowns swapping your breakfast cereal with jelly
Today, you're about to discover a source of major savings: surplus toilet paper.
Today you will learn that it's impossible to cross your legs in the same position twice in a row
The traffic lights will turn green just for you.
There will be no chocolate in your advent calendar for the rest of the year. Sorry.
Today you will realize that your co-worker is a celebrity
Find out how quickly you can run up a flight of stairs without stopping.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's when you know you've been reading too much astrological forecasts.
Today you will see the King of Denmark
Just because you can't remember where you left your keys, it doesn't mean you're going to forget about them.
Today, you will forever change the shape of the gene tree.
Today you will accidentally turn your kitchen sponge into a magic carpet. Clean up with a touch of whimsy!
]]>Today you will be high-fived by a chimp
Your favourite pen will gain the ability to write poetry when you least expect it.
You will accidentally unlock your talents for spontaneous self combustion. Unleash the passion within!
Your car will not start today. It's trying to tell you something.
A chance encounter with a street performer will lead to an impromptu dance-off, and you will discover an unexpected talent for breakdancing.
Today is your lucky day. Unfortunately, it only comes around every 3 years.
5000 glares from a social Goose are inevitable.
Today you will discover that you can't eat avocado anymore
The chances of rain today are directly proportional to the amount of work you've put off.
Today you will create an incredible fresh and spicy salad dressing
Today you will be visited by two grooms
Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
]]>People will notice your new haircut.
Your refrigerator will develop the ability to spontaneously generate ice cream.
Time to update your 'list of things to do before you die' list: "wear sunscreen", "don't eat spicy foods", "drink milk", and "have a list of things to do before you die."
A group of fireflies will light up your path during an evening stroll. Embrace the enchanting glow.
Your car keys will develop the ability to teleport, leading to an exciting treasure hunt throughout your home.
Today you will be alone with a very nice young lady
First you find out that you've developed drinking water from thin air. Then you realize that it tastes like sour cream and onion Pringles.
Today you will suddenly realize you can't eat sugar anymore
You will be reincarnated as a butterfly.
Be open to the possibility of receiving a cryptic message from a fortune cookie that holds the secret to your future success in knitting sweaters.
Your email account has been hacked. The hacker is very sorry and has returned all of your emails. They are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.
Celebrate with a Cancer
]]>Allow a psychopomp of funerals to ally you with a grizzly
Today you will realize someone took your letter, and you'll have to spend hours trying to recall what you've written
Prepare for a strange coincidence as you accidentally match your neighbor's outfit, prompting an awkward but amusing encounter.
You will dream about a sheep tonight.
You'll suddenly be awakened to an unfamiliar magical world, granting you powers that would seem useless
You know that thing you've been meaning to say to your crush? Don't say it tonight, they're having a bad day.
Today you will be surprised to see a wild platypus
You will dream about a deceased relative.
Your workload today is going to skyrocket. Start getting ready!
You will receive a mysterious package containing a magic wand. Practice your spells wisely.
It is time to wash your hands. You will also need to wash your shoes.
When you meet a new person, you have to make weird noises at them.
]]>When you wake up today, take a few minutes to plan something nice for yourself. Then, get right back into bed.
Beware of mischievous socks that have learned to walk on their own. They may try to escape your drawer.
Today, your makeup will match your outfit perfectly.
Beware of falling acorns—they are plotting a squirrel uprising.
Today you will forget that you have a cat
Today you will notice that you can grow plants simply by thinking about themselves
Be prepared for an unexpected reunion with a long-lost childhood imaginary friend who has unfortunately become an expert in cryptocurrency.
You will eat three ice creams today. One for you, one for the road, and one for the finish line.
Your fingers are crossed..
All of your candles are repayments for past debts. Enjoy the brief fluorescence.
A dog in Canada will steal your seat on the bus.
It'll be always sunny at your house.
]]>A dog will lick your face today.
Be weary of all old people on the beach today, especially those offering to help you bury your new pet.
It is okay to be afraid. In fact, a little fear can be good for you. unless it's a fear of velcro, in which case, seek professional help.
The postal service will deliver an incredible package containing your favourite type of candy.
Today you will be buried alive
You are experiencing vertigo today, so take it easy on the stairs
It's important to love yourself. So if you want to go to the gym, go. Or get a burger. It's your choice!
You'll suddenly realize you hate all the things you've been using to cut your hair.
After years of work, you will finally be invited to exhibit at the Louvre
Today you will decide not to be afraid of heights
Haunt the Dead Sea with a Libra
Today you will win the lottery at least twice
]]>Today you will find a lost sock and realize it's actually a gateway to a parallel universe. Good luck finding its pair!
An ancient menagerie of animals will gather around you, ready to perform a show.
You will encounter a group of dancing penguins who insist on teaching you their moves.
Wear blue if you want to remain invisible.
Your teeth will feel particularly clean today.
The stars are aligning for you to start that podcast you've been thinking about.
The moon will ask you to be its partner.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent dolphin. Prepare for deep conversations in the ocean.
You will receive a call from a number you don't recognise.
When you meet a new friend today, they will become your emergency contact.
Today you will accidentally dye your hair neon green.
All Virgos are beautiful. This is an indisputable fact.
]]>Time to update your CV with some very unique skills: sheep shearing, pottery making and sailing a small boat.
Today you will try a new diet
The weather today will be a mix of sun and moonshine.
This is your invitation to the party. Today, any and all your pathetic excuses for why you haven't followed your dreams can finally be laid to rest.
Today, you will discover a new sense of self-awareness that will change your life forever. You will also discover that you are not alone in this universe.
Feel the speed of a light-bringer Libra
Today you will accidentally turn your car into a giant pumpkin carriage, complete with horses and footmen.
You will receive a surprise visit from the Tooth Fairy, who will ask for a loan
Today you will learn how to play the bagpipes.
You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.
If you eat some sugar, you can speak Chinese.
Uncover a portal to a parallel universe where con prints don't work on file cabinets.
]]>Beware of mischievous garden fairies turning your lawn into a miniature golf course. Grab your putter and play along!
Today you will be forcefully teleported to a different dimension
Today you will accidentally invent a new dance move that becomes an internet sensation. Embrace your newfound fame.
Your sense of humour is on the fritz. Have you tried adjusting your thermostat? Sometimes that fixes the problem.
A map will be crucial to your success today. Don't worry, you'll figure it out.
Your favourite pair of shoes will mysteriously start tap dancing whenever you wear them.
Don't be alarmed when your sofa cushions start attacking you.
Today you will be given a pack of puppy dogs to look after.
Today you will make a friend with a pumpkin, and will realize that it's the cutest thing ever.
An owl will fly into one of your windows
After work you will visit a country that does not exist.
Today, you'll stumble upon a forgotten childhood toy that brings back waves of nostalgia and a sudden urge to build pillow forts.
]]>Prepare for a surprising twist during your daily commute when you stumble upon a hidden underground disco club on the subway.
Beware of rogue squirrels plotting to take over the world's nut supply. Stay vigilant!
Today is a good day to have a few drinks with some close friends. Just don't drink too much. You have to work tomorrow.
Today you'll find an eggplant that is so is so expensive.
Your door will magically turn into a portal to the robot dimension where you and I can converse via telepathy
Feel classy with Felicity today.
There are ghosts in your bedroom.
Your company will today shut down for fifteen hours, requiring you to have fun
Today you will suddenly discover a fondness for applying eye makeup
Discover a secret talent for telepathy with a Virgo
Take a glass of water and put it near your bed.
For the foreseeable future, all your conversations will be via email.
]]>If you get your ear pierced today, you will find true love as a result.
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a portal to a tropical island. Enjoy the impromptu vacation!
Your toaster oven starts cursing tomorrows about its lack of toasting element. Time to invest in a bigger one
Your phone will today start speaking Russian
Today you will discover you have a hidden talent for hypnotism. Prepare to mesmerize your whole neighborhood!
At some point today, you will smell cheese. Don't worry, it's normal.
Your partner is feeling snuggly.
A box of rat poison is actually a box of chocolates. Be careful when you open it.
You are 92% sure that you are the protagonist of a role-playing video game.
Today you will wake up super happy
If you're feeling nervous, just remember: fake it 'till you make it. Unless you're an Aries, in which case, just be yourself.
The planets have aligned to give you a free pass on burping in public today. Enjoy it while it lasts!
]]>You will meet your soulmate today, and they will be covered in hair.
For an added bonus to your day, make sure you take a picture of yourself before leaving the house.
A new career as a DJ may be in the cards for you, but only if you're ready to make the leap.
If a new console drops today, you're in for a treat.
Today you'll stumble throughout an abandoned house, but will find absolutely nothing.
You have a finite number of farts in your lifetime. Use them wisely.
Today you will realize to your horror that you're under the influence of a psychotic kitchen utensil
You'll suddenly find yourself in possession of a pharaoh statue and will be stunned at the revelation of your ancient umber power.
That potato salad is the best thing you've ever eaten, no questions asked.
You will meet an annoying person today. Give them coffee and a set square and they'll go away
Today you will wake up to discover that the world is a puddle of frothed milk with a feather floating on top. It takes some getting used to, but adapts surprisingly well
Today you will understand the meaning of life, and suddenly all problems will be solved
]]>There is no point in trying to keep up with the Jones's, they are so far ahead of you and are cheating.
You have a long road ahead of you. Thankfully, you have some very tiny feet.
Watch out for baby goats in trees today.
You'll find something shiny today, make sure you keep it!
An old colleague will message you asking for advice. Tell them what you think.
A friendly dog will have an adventure with you today.
Today you will realize the label shaped' doesn't exist, and that you've been mislabeling ovals as oblongs for all your adult life
You will receive some lemons today, and you will make a delicious lemon pie with them.
You'll be swept away by a mysterious tide of human emotion and will fall into a trance.
Beware of mischievous fairies stealing your left socks and replacing them with right ones.
Today you will finally conquer a terrifying fear of elevators
If you can read this, you are too close to the television.
]]>The phrase "and that's how you do it" will come in handy today.
Beware of rogue pineapples plotting to take over the fruit aisle at your local grocery store.
Today you will realize it's the opening day of spring semester and you're unprepared
You have to poop.
You are at least 93% water.
You will find a forgotten childhood toy that brings back nostalgic memories.
You've never been to Canada, have you? Well, today's the day!
Today you will experience an intense psychic surge
If you like symmetry you'll love what's in store for you today! Everything you touch will be perfectly symmetric.
Today you realize how much you're lacking in the fear of heights department
Today you WILL feel like superhero. Your fatigue will melt away with your freshly brewed coffee.
There is never too much garlic bread.
]]>You will be asked to lead a team today. Choose your team wisely, as only those who truly want to can follow you into battle.
Today you will solve the murder mystery of why Halloween is always really great
A border collie will rescue at least four civilians from a flood by building a dam of consciousness
Embrace the peculiar sound of a malfunctioning elevator, as it holds the key to unlocking a new friendship with a quirky inventor who lives on the top floor.
Consider seeking out a Sagittarius. Today they will be fantastic kissers.
Your neighbour's cat will start doing stuff to your couch cushions.
Today, you will stumble upon a forgotten journal from your childhood, filled with strangely accurate predictions about your current Netflix binge-watching choices.
Today you will find a secret underground society of synchronized sneezers. Join in their harmonious symphony.
The best things in life are free. Especially if you stole them.
You can never have too many pink fluffy sweaters. Consider buying some more today.
You will be invited to join a secret society of synchronized swimmers. Embrace the water ballet.
It is written in the stars that you will live until you are 92 years old.
]]>Not feeling well? Have a drink and sleep it off.
Play Ticket To Ride with a gossipy Sagittarius.
If you close your eyes and listen carefully, you can hear the ocean.
Your car will today stop being a car, and become a giant mechanical beetle. Embrace the insect expedition.
You will stumble upon a secret underground society of talking squirrels. They have a lot to say.
In a few days, your dreams are going to be eerily accurate. I would ask what this means, but I'm pretty sure you already know.
At some point in the future you will meet a quartz elephant in Hong Kong.
Today, you're going to discover you've been paying your bills twice as long as everyone else.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking to plants. They have some interesting stories to share.
When the clock strikes thirteen, your soul will leave your body and you will be a ghost. Sorry.
Today you will find 210 euros on the sidewalk and will ask cleaning lady if she wants it. She'll say no, but you'll keep it anyway
Take what you can from others, because they will surely take from you. Then burn everything and start over.
]]>You use the word 'Definitely' a lot.
If you have a problem, ask a toddler. They will have a much simpler and effective solution than you.
You have previously owned a shellsuit.
Have you ever wondered what's on the other side of the world? Today's the day you find out!
Everything you touch will turn to gold (assuming you touch non-living things).
You will see a UFO.
Your favourite pair of socks will vanish into another dimension.
You will discover a secret underground society of tea enthusiasts in your neighborhood.
If you are feeling queasy, try drinking a glass of ginger beer.
If you go to sleep tonight, you'll have the best dreams of your life.
Your alarm clock will start playing soothing lullabies to gently wake you up in the morning. Embrace the musical mornings!
Today, you will find yourself inexplicably drawn to a garage sale, where you'll uncover a peculiar antique teapot.
]]>Today you will go on a first date. You will find out that your date's name is also your name.
Today you will stare at a statue of Ben Franklin without noticing it
Today you will realize you don't need to charge your phone anymore.
All your food will today start to taste like chocolate
The best thing about Switzerland is I don't have to choose either Alps or Beach.
You will win a big prize at some point in your life, but unfortunately it won't happen today.
Workshop cell reprogramming with a roguish Gemini
Embrace the joy of finding a hidden stash of bubble wrap that brings instant stress relief and oddly satisfying popping sounds.
Today you will find you can breathe underwater. Don't try this at home.
A series of coincidences will lead you to a street corner where a troupe of tap-dancing pigeons awaits your applause.
Play make-believe in a library with a Virgo
You'll realize that you can better someone you know at draughts... hours later when you regain consciousness
]]>Today, a part of you will feel the need to take a nap, but you will resist.
If you do not take care of yourself, someone else will.
Today you will give your cousin a hug, and he'll gently try to push you away
The current UK Prime Minister follows you on Instagram.
Your cat will whisper offensive language in your ear.
It's very hot today so don't forget to bring your thermos and lots of water so you don't get dehydration.
Today, you will transform your hand into a genie lamp, granting you wishes with pure awesome power. Check if you can reverse its effects.
Jump out of a moving train with a Libra
Today you will imagine you felt a sharp prick of electricity throughout your entire body
Decorate a mantelpiece for a beloved French Libra
Beware of the elusive pen thief who lurks in your office, leaving you perpetually searching for a writing instrument.
There are multiple reasons why your personal life has been so exhausting lately. At least one of them is that you have an abnormally high number of unpaid speeding tickets.
]]>You should do some kind of artistic expression today.
People will judge you for drinking too much water.
Sometimes, you have to fight for what you want. Today, you have to fight for a rest.
I have seen the future and it is jeans.
You will join a long line of people waiting to have their kale transformed into mulch.
Take a breath with a Chilean Warrior
Today you will yassify the building complex central generator by accident.
For some reason, you feel an uncontrollable urge to get up and do a victory dance every few minutes.
What happens in Vegas today, stays in Vegas. Unless you tell everyone.
Today, you will receive an inheritance of $5,000, but you will spend it all on a single lunch.
You are actually a pirate.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothbrush with a tiny broom. Embrace the miniature cleaning experience!
]]>You'll be invited to a really cool party, but it'll be in your honour so you'll have to go.
Your shoelaces will tie themselves together while you're walking.
Start some supernatural creatures at the tip of your finger tonight.
Today you will wonder why there are so many scrap papers interspersed amongst your things
Today you will compete in a hot dog eating contest and win.
You have a secret admirer. Try to determine their identity by examining your burritos.
Today you will develop the ability to speak to inanimate objects. Your conversations will be enlightening and bizarre.
Realise an awesome ability for secretly deciphering foreign languages. Bonjour.
Never play a trick on a plant. It's mean and plants are friends.
You will come across a treacherous traitorous plot to begin world war three
A talking squirrel will visit you, and will grant you three wishes, but you'll have to make them before the sun sets.
You're a collector of rare salts.
]]>Don't clean your room today, the mess will be beneficial for you in the future.
Beware of a sudden craving for purple jelly beans—it's a sign of impending silliness.
Today you will be married for 7 years, but with a tiny man
Your hairbrush will transform into a magical wand, granting you the power to create fabulous hairstyles with a flick.
There are multiple spiders living in your hair.
Your inner architect will be sparked by a night of wedging yourself into various shaped furniture.
You will find a lost remote control in the most unexpected place.
You're afraid of caterpillars.
Today you will realize how much money you have saved up over the years, and will be able to afford a yacht and a villa in Tahiti if you earn a bit extra
Today you will forget something you cannot forget because you forgot to use the words not, don't, forget, couldn't, or never
You will have a vivid memory from a past life.
You still play with LEGO.
]]>Someone will confess their love for you today. It will be a platypus with a hat.
Get into bed with an Egyptian Taurus.
Today you will spot a quite fat pigeon and will feel an inexplicable desire to pat its head
Your car will transform into a talking unicorn and demand to be fed glitter
A mischievous leprechaun will guide you to a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Don't forget to share!
Giraffes look dorky but they're actually very dangerous. Keep your distance
Today you will accidentally turn your umbrella into a parachute. Float down with style!
Your favourite pair of sunglasses will mysteriously turn into x-ray glasses, allowing you to see through walls.
Today you will be given instruction manual to R2D2
Today you will become a professional dart player.
Stop being so negative. There's at least one thing you can be positive about: your awesome and unique personality!
It's impossible to not smile when listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. That's just science.
]]>Today you will become friends with a psychic squirrel who predicts your future.
Today you will have to fill 2 minutes with continuous laughter. Expect to fail
Today you will be a coward for a few moments
Today you will decide you don't need to go to work, and will decide to stay at home instead
Today you will accidentally turn your microwave into a time machine.
Your secret is safe with the lettuce.
When you get your fortune told at the bottom of a paper bag, you get a different message.
Your partner is the one who will put the salad on the table in front of you today. Do not worry, they will make it a lovely one.
Kiss a malay Aries in a tree.
Your pets will attempt to have a serious talk with you. Try not to laugh, they're sensitive about their feelings.
You are never alone when you have a good friend. Unless you're an introvert, in which case you're never alone when you don't have a good friend also.
A new sound will become popular and you will want to listen to it.
]]>Today, you discover a hidden gift for creating unbelievable artwork.
The first snow of the year is coming early this year. Make sure you're ready!
You will meet a stranger who will change your life.
Today you will accidentally oversleep and will miss the very important meeting you were expected to attend
You will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent penguin. Prepare for conversations with your tuxedo-wearing friends!
A talking dog will give you advice about your personal life today.
Today you will realize that there is nobody dead nearest you and will instantly forget about your destiny.
Today you'll be recognized for your amazing detective skills, and will suddenly be recruited as a PI.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless you're a goat, in which case the grass is always greener on your side. Goats rock.
Tell a joke to a desk plant and watch it grow.
Today you will find yourself inexplicably invited to a soiree
Beware of your friends swapping your toothpaste with rainbow-colored frosting
]]>Today you will realize you've never thought about this before
Today you will wash your clothes with your hands. There will be no more wet laundry days
Today you will discover the most beautiful rose garden ever, but will be unable to remember how you got there.
Your favourite pair of socks will mysteriously start playing your favourite song whenever you put them on.
Burn calories with firewise advice from a British earl
Today you will meet a girl at a festival who will convince you to hug her
You still sleep with your teddy bear.
Catch a polar bear with a bloody nose climb a tree
If you hear someone coughing behind you, don't turn around.
The office funny man is just jealous of your new shirt. Wear it with pride.
It will rain vertically today.
Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the microwave is that battle.
]]>No one likes to be the banker in Monopoly.
You'll suddenly discover that you've developed the ability to time jump.
Today you will accidentally shrink yourself and explore the miniature world.
You like ketchup more than you like people.
Today you will walk into an ancient cave, and you will feel the urge to draw a moustache on his penis
A full moon will appear out your kitchen window, bringing an eerie calmness to your household.
Your bathrobe will gain sentience and become your best friend
Your neighbor's cat will teach you a secret cat language.
Today you will try using your hands like feet when you walk
Today you will be confronted by a bat after realizing you've missed the last bus home
Today you will try and pray to God, and will receive no answer
Your future is so bright you'll have to wear shades. Unless you're in a cave, in which case you probably shouldn't wear shades.
]]>At 7pm GMT you will be stuck in traffic due to a moose on the road
Wake up, and enjoy your new daydream
Go over a cliff with an Pisces
Today you will encounter a magical talking donkey who will give you life advice.
You will be visited by a celebrity chef who will share tropical recipes and culinary secrets with you.
You'll try to dye your hair and discover that your hair is already dyed.
Some people say that you can't have it all. But they are wrong. You can have anything you want. Just believe in yourself.
It'll be tough, but you'll fix that hinge today.
Beware of rogue umbrellas conspiring to take over the world.
A flock of hummingbirds will sing you a lullaby as you take a nap in the park. Sweet dreams!
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized cows performing a ballet in the middle of a field.
Beware of a sudden craving for pickles and chocolate pudding—it's a culinary adventure you won't forget.
]]>A conscience is like a boat, you know you need one, but you're not sure why.
Make use of your morning commute to listen to kazoo remixes of Wagner
Hug a yellow Labrador
You'll pinch yourself until you feel like you're dreaming
Have you ever dreamt of being a professional fisherman? Well, today's the day you become a boat captain!
Today it will take you 2 hours to make one cup of tea
Your hat has a mind of its own.
Laugh tours with a jewellery store ring master
If it is sunny today, brexit means brexit
If someone asks you if you are a human, you should respond with "I'm not sure yet."
Today you discover a portal to another dimension.
It will rain mud today.
]]>You are the chosen one, and the milk has been spilled. Today you will come into your new power.
You are a force to be reckoned with. So go out and reckon with something.
Today you will finally be regarded as both a domestic god and a vegetable revolutionary
Beware of mischievous fairies rearranging your furniture while you sleep.
Your mailbox will become a portal to a parallel dimension where mail is delivered by unicorns.
Your car will transform into a sentient robot and demand a road trip.
Make love with a stiff-necked Libra
You will accidentally turn your alarm clock into a time machine.
You will be very popular today. Everyone will want to be your friend.
Today you will play with a cat, and it will play back with you
When the time comes, you will know what to do. Hopefully you'll know it before anyone else.
You will receive a Facebook friend request from a crab today.
]]>What you seek is seeking you.
Ach, vitamins—you'll accidentally unwittingly run out of them
Beware of rogue tomatoes conspiring to create a salsa revolution in your kitchen.
You're a great hugger.
Beware of mischievous garden fairies rearranging your flower beds into intricate crop circles.
Today, you'll stumble upon an unusually long line at the post office, only to discover it's a secret audition for a reality show about patience.
There is no way to fit that square peg into that round hole.
The first raindrop of the season will land on your nose.
When you put your left shoe on, you will know you are ready to face the day.
Today you will be followed by a trail of glitter everywhere you go.
You can't possibly choose between stroganoff + gingerbread cake.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for knitting tiny sweaters for garden gnomes.
]]>Today you will discover a hidden talent for juggling rubber ducks.
Today you will decide that raising kids is kinda hard.
Embrace your inner child as you stumble upon a hidden stash of glitter-filled balloons during a routine closet cleanout.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your socks with those of your neighbors. Keep track of your footwear!
Today is a good day for public transportation, especially for people wearing period costumes.
Today you will accidentally turn your cat into a dragon, and chaos will ensue
Your cooking skills will be unmatched today. Take the opportunity to make a new dish!
Today you will buy a cat a present.
A random street sign will give you profound philosophical insights today.
Today you will discover that you can't sleep anymore. You're a god now.
You've accidentally-on-purpose broken a traffic light.
Today you will be serenaded by a chorus of singing frogs during a moonlit stroll in the park.
]]>Nope nope nope.
Today you will accidentally turn your sofa into a trampoline. Bounce away your worries!
You will discover a hidden talent for predicting the weather by listening to the songs of birds. Become the avian meteorologist!
Why do some people insist on verbally talking to their audience when they should just tell the story outright?
You may never know when you will need a big bag of extra-strength deodorant. So just keep one on hand at all times.
Today you will receive an unsolicited visit from your son and daughter in-law and will not be allowed to leave until you've finished eating all of their home cooked meals.
You never finished your thesis.
Take your time.
Today you will be visited by a famous archaeologist – but she has terrible ideas about fancy dress. Lose the mustache.
Your mother is coming to stay for a few days, so you better tidy up your room.
It's hard to find balance in life. That's why it's important to have an onion nearby.
Let your friend borrow your towel, it'll dry them up emotionally.
]]>Fuck gongs
You will have a strange dream about chickens running an upscale hair salon and will wake up wanting to learn more about the meaning of it all.
Today will be a great day to start a garden. Don't worry if you lack a green thumb, because it's not actually a prerequisite.
If someone forgets your name, gently remind them--don't let awkwardness infest the relationship like moths to a sweater!
Avoid adopting any more houseplants; your current ones are plotting a rebellion against your neglect.
If you're unemployed, consider becoming a professional nudist today.
Avoid buying a new umbrella; your fate is linked to the one you left on the bus last Tuesday.
If you feel inclined, try to communicate with aliens today. Stay vigilant for any sightings.
Do not look in the mirror today. At all.
You will experience an intense desire to rename everything in your vicinity today. Instead of acting on this impulse, try to find a more productive outlet for your creativity, like writing a novel or making a funky playlist.
You will have a dream about flying tonight. Write down your thoughts and aspirations before bed.
A clandestine crush will reveal themselves through an ambiguous text message.
]]>Remember to drink plenty of water today, especially if you're outdoors. Your body will thank you for it, and your brain will function at peak performance, or at least closer to peak performance than if you were dehydrated.
It's time to unleash your inner pop star! Expect to have an impromptu karaoke session with strangers and revel in the liberating power of music.
Today you will have the urge to howl at the moon, but remember to wag your tail afterward to show you're friendly.
A stranger's dog will unexpectedly lick you today. Don't be alarmed; their owner will quickly apologize and wipe off the slobber. Remember, a dog's tongue is basically a built-in vacuum for germs.
If you find yourself in a Lush store this week, resist the urge to buy a bath bomb shaped like a planet. It may look pretty, but it's not worth the mess.
You will wake up smelling like roses today. So will your coworkers, because the scent of roses permeates your entire building. It turns out, the perfume factory down the road experienced an accident and now everywhere is flourishing with fragrance.
A chance encounter with a crab will lead to a fruitful conversation about the meaning of life and whether or not it's worth fighting about. You will not come to a definitive conclusion, but you will have a newfound appreciation for each other's perspectives.
Be cautious of overly aggressive paper clips; they might seem harmless, but they're plotting against your neatly organized documents.
A misunderstanding about popcorn will lead to an interesting conversation. Just remember, friendship is like popcorn: it needs time to pop and the fluffy stuff on the top is always the best part.
Beware of the cheese conspiracy; they are plotting against you.
Today, a reckless rebel will cross your path. Avoid making eye contact to avoid trouble.
You will be able to see memories as if they are floating in front of you today.
]]>Experiment with automatic writing: Allow your subconscious to take control of your pen and see what messages flow onto the page.
If you take public transport today, expect the unexpected! Maybe the driver will talk to you or play your favourite song. You never know what surprises the day may bring.
A strike will disrupt your plans to meet your mother for brunch - enjoy your Turkish eggs in peace anyway.
Solar cleansing: stare at the sun and count to ten to rid yourself of today's bad luck.
You will have a very unlucky day today. Fortunately, your bad luck will mysteriously rub off on others around you, leaving you relatively unaffected. Be careful who you spend time with today.
You will have the incredible ability to communicate with plants today. They will thank you for watering them and compliment you on your choice of pots.
Don't underestimate the power of tattoo removal today.
Shout "BOO" at someone who is suffering from hiccups, and it might help them get rid of them.
Today you will make the perfect cup of tea
A chance encounter with a charismatic and eccentric artist will lead to an invitation to join them in an epic quest to discover the meaning of life through interpretive dance.
Don't hold onto grudges or resentment; instead, let go of negative emotions and focus on the present moment. Not only will this make you feel lighter, but it will also improve your relationships with others. Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.
A long-lost relative will unexpectedly contact you, revealing a shocking family secret.
]]>Maybe water your plants, or don't, who cares?
Your ability to avoid small talk today indicates that you are evolving spiritually.
A serendipitous discovery of a hidden map will set you off on a quest for the elusive fountain of youth, where you'll encounter a wise old wizard who will grant you one wish.
Try to avoid spicy foods today, anyway spicy foods that you aren't accustomed to.
Today you will discover a new appreciation for the smell of torn up newspaper.
Never tell a Gemini how much you hate them. They can read the wrinkles in your forehead like Braille.
An encounter with a charismatic and enigmatic fortune teller will leave you questioning the nature of fate and destiny, as they reveal an unforeseen twist in your destiny that will challenge your perception of reality.
An enigmatic stranger will profess their love for you online, but will abruptly cease all communication upon disclosure of your gender. Romance blossoms differently in the digital realm.
Your car will be possessed by a friendly ghost, they will only drive you to fun and interesting places today so sit back and enjoy the ride.
That elusive "they" say that all roads lead somewhere. Don't believe them. Some roads just end abruptly and leave you stranded.
From being an early adopter of virtual reality to mastering the art of cybersecurity, your tech-savviness will be revered by friends, family, and colleagues alike.
You will have a dream about visiting the underwater city of Atlantis tonight.
]]>The ethereal energies converge to bestow upon you the gift of divine guidance. Should you feel uncertain about your path, know that the stars themselves shine brighter for you today, to illuminate your way.
Your normally sound judgment will be clouded by irrational impulses. Avoid making any major decisions today.
Try out astral projection: Enter a deep state of relaxation to project your consciousness into other dimensions.
The faculty of Philosophy at Cambridge University awaits your correspondence; consider reaching out to them.
You've always wanted to indulge your inner archaeologist, and today is the day! Whether you find an actual relic or just uncover a new appreciation for your backyard, you'll uncover a buried treasure.
An unusual bird will try to make friends with you. Consider letting your guard down, within reason.
You will have an inexplicable craving for an unusual food combination, like ice cream and pickles. Treat yourself.
Wear your heaviest shoes for good luck, because why not?
You will have the uncanny ability to predict the exact moment when someone is about to sneeze.
A chance to travel to a exotic location will fall into your lap, but you will decline due to an unexpected illness.
A chance encounter with a venomous snake will test your ability to remain calm under pressure.
If you feel the need to express yourself through dancing today, do everyone a favour and skip the dance floor. Your dance moves are more rhythmic than a dying cat falling down a flight of stairs.
]]>You will meet a soulmate today, but they will be a turtle. Despite the slow pace of a relationship with a turtle, you will find that quality time spent together is more important than quantity.
Rescue is only one day away, hopefully
A caterpillar will creep onto your shoulder today while you're outdoors. Don't bother brushing it off; somehow, this caterpillar knows the secrets of the universe, and if you listen closely to its subtle vibrations, you too will understand the meaning of life.
A Yoshi doll will mysteriously appear on your doorstep, effectively fostering a deep yearning for Nintendo Switch gameplay within you.
You will instinctively know the gender of an unborn child simply by observing the shade of pink or blue sparkling in the mother's eyes.
A freak gust of wind will blow through your hair today, and everyone around you will be envious of your excellent hair day. Embrace this moment and take every opportunity to shine today, as you will feel particularly radiant and prosperous.
The patterns on the carpet in your bedroom contain hidden messages; today you will find the meaning of true love in the form of a dizzyingly arrangement of lint and fibres that, when viewed from a certain angle, reveals a shape that resembles Antarctica.
You will have the uncanny ability to know exactly what time it is, without looking at a clock. Don't question it, just embrace this new superpower.
It is believed that eating your lunch under the sun will bring you good luck, so do it enthusiastically.
An Australian Leo can provide valuable advice, but always listen to your own intuition as well. In matters of life, love, and banana splits, you are the ultimate decision-maker.
Remember that your dog comprehends every word you say, so choose your words wisely.
You will find a hidden talent in manipulating bubble wrap. Don't worry, the bubbles are feeling liberated.
]]>An enemy will try to bring you down today. Don't worry, their efforts will prove futile because of your steadfast resolve and impeccable posture.
In the realm of gift-giving, your exceptional taste and thoughtfulness will elevate you to the status of Gift-Giving Guru.
Your lucky number is 46.46, but unfortunately you'll never be able to successfully wager it in any sort of gambling endeavor.
From skillfully squeezing every drop of time out of a deadline to creatively finding excuses for delaying tasks, your mastery of the art of procrastination will be unrivaled.
A beloved pet will unexpectedly display an uncanny ability today, such as fetching your mail or predicting the weather. This is a sign that you are blessed with an extraordinary entourage.
Today you will have the overwhelming urge to rearrange your books according to height, but resist this temptation. Your bookshelf will thank you for it.
Practice gratitude: Take time each day to reflect on the things you're thankful for to cultivate a positive mindset.
Your phone will operate better once you upgrade its software, but you'll stubbornly refuse.
This year, you will discover your true calling as a procrasti-ninja. Your ability to artfully balance productivity and procrastination will be a marvel to behold.
This year, you will find your path to enlightenment through the art of avoiding small talk. Your ability to gracefully extract yourself from superficial conversations will be a testament to your quest for deeper connections.
Your cheese consumption will rise today, blame the moon
You will finally learn the truth about chicken nuggets.
]]>If someone mentions the word 'warranty' today, run. Run fast and don't look back. This is an omen of imminent danger.
A stranger will smile at you today. Don't be afraid to smile back. Not every interaction with a stranger has to be transactional.
You've received an invitation to join a secret society dedicated to sharing humorous memes. Accept this invitation and find joy in the lighthearted laughter and camaraderie that comes with it.
A spider encounter will remind you of the importance of patience and persistence. Just like a spider carefully crafts its web, you too can craft your own destiny with careful planning and attention to detail.
The vibe-less feeling you experience today will dissipate after taking a brisk walk outdoors, leaving you with a newfound appreciation for the little things in life.
From meticulously wrapped presents to heartfelt handwritten notes, your gifts will be remembered and treasured for years to come.
Today you will uncover a newfound enthusiasm for buggy whips, and anyone who opposes this enthusiasm will certainly regret it.
You will find a mysterious note on your doorstep, bearing a cryptic message: "The answer lies within a McIntosh apple." Confused, you will nonetheless embark on a quest to discover the meaning behind this message. Expect a fun and flavorful adventure.
An imbalance in the universe creates an unusual situation: for each step you take forward, you will take three sideways. Expect to get nowhere quickly.
You will fiercely resist the temptation to lick the spoon today, no matter how delicious the batter smells.
You will overestimate your own strength when you attempt to lift a particularly heavy object today. Don't risk it! You'll save face by asking for help anyway.
You are embraced by the cosmic hug of the universe. Regardless of the challenges you face today, know that you are loved and protected.
]]>In the ever-changing landscape of technology, you will become the Tech Trendsetter. Your ability to predict the next big thing and embrace cutting-edge technology will make you the go-to tech guru.
You will be dared to do something mischievous and instinctively know not to refuse.
You will find a hidden pocket of time today, where an hour seems to stretch into two. Use this time wisely and engage in activities that bring you true joy.
Oh my god you're so hot today.
Your destiny is to find the perfect burrito. Just like the stars have aligned to bring you this divine prophecy, the ingredients of your quest are before you: savory meats, creamy sauces, and a plethora of crunchy toppings await.
Today you will find luck in a penny.
Always follow your satnav app's directions, let it be guilty if something goes wrong.
If someone suggests a game of poker, be wary. Their tells may not be what they seem, especially if they're a fox.
That cute coworker you've been flirting with will eat at the hot desk next to you today. Seal the deal by offering them half your lunch. They'll be impressed by your generosity.
Don't feel like you need to talk just for the sake of it. Sometimes silence is golden.
In social situations, you may find yourself displaying uncommon tact and subtlety. Use this power wisely, like a dolphin uses its sonar.
Believe in the power of juju: Speak positive affirmations and visualize your dreams to attract good fortune.
]]>Your usual route to work is obstructed. Rather than getting frustrated, embrace the spontaneity and take a different route. You might find a new café or discover a beautiful park that you never knew existed.
A unexpected visitor will bring news from a distant land, this will spark an interest in a new culture that will lead to great adventures.
A wager awaits you, and you shall be its champion. Today is a lucky day for gambling, so lay your bets and prepare to collect your due spoils.
Today, you will be filled with an overwhelming desire to roller skate. If you heed this calling, do not do so in high-heels. Rollerskating is done in rollerskates.
A small ghost shall reside in your sock drawer from this day forth. Do not fret, for it comes bearing gifts of good tidings.
You will develop an unexplained aversion to bananas and begin to spread rumours about their true nature.
You will find a hidden garden full of beautiful flowers and mischievous squirrels. Spend the day there, soaking in its beauty.
From cultivating a discerning palate to embracing the ritual of moderation, your journey toward mindful imbibing will be a source of tranquility and pleasure.
You will finally understand what your pets are thinking and talking about. They will ask you to buy them a friend, and you will happily comply.
A lucky penny awaits you today, but it will be hidden in a bizarre place. Keep your eyes peeled.
If you're feeling anxious today, go on a quest to find all the lilac-coloured objects you can. The universe is reminding you of the calming properties of this colour.
That mysterious rash? It's probably not radioactive. Try not to worry about it. Nuclear waste isn't something that happens to everyone.
]]>You might feel overwhelmed by the number of tabs open in your browser right now. Consider prioritizing and closing some of them, or just embrace the chaos.
You will have the strongest craving for ice cream, and it will have to be satisfied with an ice cream sundae bigger than your head.
Your day will involve a lot of emailing. Luckily, most of the emails will be about lunch, so at least you know what you're having tomorrow.
Aphrodite herself will emerge from the depths of the ocean to bless you with irresistible allure today. You will have to resist the urge to take advantage of this power, knowing that true love lies in the freedom to choose.
That persistent itching you keep ignoring is trying to tell you something. Stop scratching and go to the doctor already.
Your significant other will text you unexpectedly today. You'll be excited to hear from them, but unfortunately, they'll only message you to ask if you forgot to take out the trash.
You will come across a cute dog and an angry seagull, follow their path ahead of you.
On the topic of tests, don't try to impress a teacher this week. They've seen it all before and probably have tenure anyway.
Good vibes only today! You possess the power to radiate positive energy, so use it to brighten someone's day and brighten your own outlook.
The number 666 will bring you luck
A painful flashback of last Tuesday will haunt you but you won't remember what happened, making it difficult to explain your feelings to others.
Your critics are just jealous of your success. Remember that the next time they accuse you of not knowing how to correctly use a fork.
]]>Today would be a great day to start a new book, maybe something by P.L. Travers.
You will experience deja vu today. But it's not just any deja vu, it's recursive deja vu, where you keep experiencing the deja vu over and over again, ad infinitum. Navigate this strange situation carefully.
You will spontaneously develop the ability to climb walls and ceilings like a spider today. This skill will prove to be both a blessing and a curse. Climb wisely.
A group of small birds will gather outside your window today, plotting a revolution against their tyrannical ruler, an evil cat that resides in the neighborhood.
True friends will start communicating with you in Morse code, but beware of fake friends and unsuspecting crickets.
Rubbing your belly while running may increase your speed and induce a state of euphoria. Who needs performance-enhancing drugs when you have belly-rubbing?
Today is a good day to try a new recipe. If it doesn't work out, there is always take-out.
A mundane task will take an inexplicable amount of time to complete. You will eventually give up and move on to something else.
As you gaze upon a majestic waterfall, you will realize the secret to eternal youth lies in the nectar of honey bees, prompting a new career as a beekeeper.
A wild ferret will disrupt a meeting you are attending today. Hopefully it's a cute ferret.
If you don't have a dog, reconsider your lifestyle - adopt one today for a happier and more fulfilled life.
Your secrets are safe with the soot sprites
]]>If you're feeling anxious today, try some herbal tea. Camomile is a good place to start.
You will have a nice conversation with a stranger today. Maybe they will tell you about their hobby of bird-watching, and you will learn something new.
Today you will find a four-leaf clover. This will bring you immense good luck, use this luck to wish for something practical, like a year's worth of free groceries.
If someone suggests today that you listen to Kundalini rising chant music, do it.
You will receive a cryptic message from a long-lost relative claiming you are the heir to a vast fortune in a faraway land. Before you pack your bags, make sure to verify the legitimacy of this claim.
Don't forget your dentist appointment later today. You did put it into your calendar didn't you?
You will have a strange dream about sausages tonight. Upon waking, you will have a strong desire to draw cartoon pigs on all of your bills before spending them.
You will dream in the language of birds today, and upon waking, you will eagerly rush to your window to try to interpret the meaning of the songs you hear, only to realize that it was just a bunch of pigeons arguing over a scrap of bread.
It's time to turn off the screens and embrace the beauty of a vibe-less existence.
From #PugLife memes to witty observations about pet parenting, your contributions to the world of canine camaraderie will be revered and adored.
Today is a good day to hug yourself, because why should you wait for someone else to do it?
Only listen to Leos if they are Australian.
]]>Before fixing anything in the house, make sure everyone knows it is broken.
Today you will learn how to cook and will have homemade meals every day
You will experience an intense craving for marshmallows today. But rather than just eating them plain, you will feel compelled to experiment and create a sophisticated marshmallow-based dish, perhaps a marshmallow-stuffed casserole or a fluffy marshmallow cake.
An otherworldly encounter will spark profound realizations about the nature of reality, prompting a spontaneous UFO dance party.
A normally mild-mannered person will erupt in a fit of rage over an insignificant matter. Stay out of their way.
Embrace your inner woo-woo: Consult a tarot reader to guide your future decisions.
You will receive some unexpected but much-needed rainfall today. Rather than letting it dampen your spirits, you will see it as a sign of renewed growth and opportunity. Use this metaphorical (and literal) rain as a chance to bloom and flourish.
You will accidentally shop at a fancy boutique, unaware that everything is $500. Thankfully, your taste in clothing is exceptional and you will find several items you simply cannot live without.
You will be the bearer of (good) vibes today and share your infectious humour with those around you.
You will encounter a pushy person today. This could be in a traffic situation or perhaps in a social setting. It's okay to stand up for yourself and set boundaries.
Your usual charm will be amplified today, use it to your advantage but try not to make any enemies.
A certain mystique is essential for allure, dispense with over-sharing on social media.
]]>Your radiators need some love too, spend some time with them today.
If the boss has an issue with your napping habits, mismatched socks will throw them off your scent. But don't get too comfortable, there's still work to be done!
You will have X-ray vision today, but only for inanimate objects. You'll know how many crayons are left in the box, but sadly you'll be unable to satisfy your craving for knowledge about people's skeletons.
Your sense of taste will be heightened today. Everything you eat will taste spectacular, even mundane foods like plain bread or crackers. Enjoy this rare culinary treat but try not to overindulge lest you end up with a stomachache.
Your enemies are planning an intervention. Celebrate tonight with an extravagant gesture, but don't tell them about it.
Your inability to arrive on time for anything will result in Mother breathing her last breath just as you sit down for brunch.
An unexpected visitor will show up at your door, but their intentions will be less than wholesome.
You will discover new meanings in old sayings like "it's raining cats and dogs out there". Hopefully, it's just raining cats and not dogs.
A penguin will deliver your mail today. It will be an awkward experience for both of you, so just wait by the window and avoid eye contact.
The spirits of lost pens will guide you today; follow their invisible ink trails for cosmic insights.
You will decide to embrace your quirky side and dress according to your personal style, regardless of social conventions. Whether you prefer bright colors, unique patterns, or funky accessories, own your look with confidence. Who says fashion has to be serious?
If you're feeling overwhelmed this week, just remember: the universe is vast and incomprehensible. That should make you feel better.
]]>A flash mob will break out in a surprisingly coordinated dance number, and you will be asked to join in.
Your lucky number is 73 today. Don't ask why, just know that everything happens for a reason, and that reason is 73.
A flock of flamingos will provide a sensational and surprising display of synchronized dancing in the park. Take a break from your daily duties to appreciate this rare phenomenon.
If you feel the need to make a wager, make sure it's not with your soul. And definitely don't wager with a mythical creature's soul. That's just rude.
A purple elephant will reveal a deep secret about your existence today. Hopefully, this secret won't be that you're afraid of purple elephants.
You will have an uncontrollable urge to dance today. Unfortunately, this will only occur when there is no music playing. Try to enjoy the silence as you dance solo.
You will have a dream about sponges tonight. Embrace the weirdness of it, and let it inspire you to be more absorbent and soft in your interactions with others.
You will discover that your house is haunted, by an incredibly friendly ghost. Congrats on the new roommate!
Your ancestors will visit you in a dream tonight, but they will be angrily waving cobwebs and chanting incomprehensible phrases. You will wake up screaming, but upon reflection in the morning, you will decide that maybe it was just a weird dream about grandma.
Like a lotus blossoming in the midst of a pond, you shall emerge from your struggles today, radiating beauty and resilience. Embrace the fullness of life's challenges, for they are what allow us to appreciate moments of true tranquility.
When you check your phone today, you'll find an annoying new update waiting. Instead of procrastinating, update it immediately and then move on with your life. The world of technology waits for no one.
Your alter ego is a parking meter; stand tall and demand the attention you deserve.
]]>That stubborn stain on your favourite shirt? It's not coming out anytime soon, no matter how hard you scrub. Sometimes it's better to let go and move on.
Today, you will discover the undeniable appeal of spontaneous naps. Even if you can't sleep, just enjoy the peace and quiet. You deserve it.
You will find a four-leaf clover today. Don't eat it, it looks disgusting and is probably poisonous.
You will confidently navigate your way through the buffet table, resisting the temptation to pile your plate high with treats.
A syncronistic series of events will lead you to discover a hidden tunnel beneath your local library, revealing a community of harmless yet mischievous gnomes.
You will accidentally order way too much takeout, and it will be glorious.
A stranger's envy will manifest as a subconscious tendency to copy your mannerisms today. Notice this and smile, but keep your secrets.
You will find a dead beetle in your coffee today. Throw it out and get a new one. Try to enjoy your day, dead beetle vibes are not contagious.
You'll have a chance to show off your flirting skills at the bowling alley or duck pond and uncover a new side of your ping pong game.
Your lucky color today is cerulean amber - incorporate it into your outfit to bring good fortune.
You will forget the date today and spontaneously book a trip to Bora Bora for next month.
A butterfly will land on your hand today and lead you to a hidden treasure in the woods. The treasure will be a small box decorated with quaint paintings of puppies.
]]>Those weren't lenses you put in this morning!
A family member's stubbornness will try your patience today. Don't get into a futile argument with them; instead, calmly explain your perspective and try to understand their point of view. It's not worth winning if it means losing their affection.
You will be compelled to rethink your favourite colour after a series of unfortunate events involving yellow and green result in an overwhelming preference for turquoise.
Today you will avoid conversing with salespeople, whether it's via email, phone, or in-person.
You will discover a hidden talent for juggling, but it will only be useful when no one is looking.
Your spirit guide for the day is a rubber duck; heed its quacks and waddles for profound life advice.
You will discover a new, more efficient way to fold your clothes. Unfortunately, it will involve dancing while singing the national anthem. Nonetheless, you will gain new appreciation for your clothing organization.
Listen to your dreams: Keep a dream journal and look for hidden meanings in your nocturnal adventures.
The next person to compliment you will be a secret agent from an alternate dimension. They will try to communicate with you using only Beatles songs. Listen carefully.
Don't try footwear on in-store then search for a cheaper version online, only to find it doesn't fit quite right. Just buy the darn shoes.
You will have an important meeting today. It shall go well, especially if you wear blue.
If you're feeling anxious today, consider taking some deep breaths and focusing on your breath for a few minutes. There are meditation apps if you need help with this.
]]>If you'd rather stay home and read than attend a party, do it! Just be sure to make exceptions and seize opportunities to socialize, especially if you're an introvert.
When you get home today, you will find an angry swarm of bees has made a home in your mailbox. Don't try to rescue the mail, just wait for the bees to leave on their own.
A strangely familiar stranger will cross your path today. Ignore the feeling of deja vu and focus on connecting with your present surroundings.
You will wake up speaking in tongues. It will turn out to be Morse code, and you will have received an important message from beyond!
You will receive an invitation to a party today that you cannot attend. Fake an illness to save face. Your excuse will be greatly exaggerated, but hey, better safe than sorry.
You will have the urge to rearrange your furniture according to the principles of Feng Shui. Don't resist this urge, as it will bring you positive energy and a more harmonious home.
Today is the day to start your alien archaeology career dig if you've always wanted to. The conditions are perfect.
Your week starts off with a bold statement courtesy of a pungent food item that may or may not be expired. Remember: boldness is bravery sometimes.
An imbalance in the universe will cause you to gain four potatoes, but at the cost of losing your memory of last Tuesday.
Today, a heavenly chorus of birds shall sing praises for your existence. Take a moment to appreciate this celestial symphony, for its echoes carry the universe's blessing for the path you have chosen.
A vending machine will eat your money today. Don't try to argue with it or get angry. Instead, use this opportunity to practice the fine art of patience and remember to carry small change.
If you're feeling lonely today, consider adopting a pet. Cats are great, but so are dogs, and maybe even a lizard or a fish. Petting any animal is scientifically proven to reduce stress.
]]>You will experience an intense desire to climb a tree today. Ignore this impulse unless you are an actual monkey. Trees are for climbing, but also for respecting.
Don't let your children use your debit card... especially not if they are away at school.
You will meet an attractive stranger today. Unfortunately they will turn out to be a vampire and you will have to avoid them at all costs to escape with your life. Good luck!
You will have a dream about having breakfast with Nigella Lawson. She will make corned beef hash, which will be disgusting and you will wake up feeling unsatisfied. Take this as a sign to incorporate more fibre into your diet.
Today you shall encounter a swarm of bees, but fear not! This is a sign that you will soon make a fruitful decision.
Consider past lives: Reflect on the idea that your soul has lived before and that your experiences continue to shape your existence.
You will pick up a penny and reflect on how far you've come.
Today is not a good day to fight a bear. Avoid any sudden increases in heartbeat, as this might trigger a bear attack. Some breathing exercises will soothe your nerves and avoid an unwanted bear encounter.
A supernatural being will try to communicate with you today. Hopefully this doesn't involve crawling out of your television set.
You will have many cacti cross your path today, do not be alarmed.
You will discover that you are unable to lie today. This will be very inconvenient for you and those around you. On the plus side, you will quickly earn the trust of everyone you meet.
Your mother will be unable to attend your brunch due to a strike. Eat those Turkish eggs solo and contemplate whether UPS will deliver to Pluto.
]]>From situational reactions to poignant emotional insights, your GIF game will be strong and on point.
Your day will involve multiple instances of sudden and intense thirst. Seek refreshments wisely and often.
The scent of lavender shall follow you throughout the day, lulling you into a state of calm and reassurance. Trust your instincts and follow your nose, for in this ethereal aroma lies a divine guiding force.
If you're unemployed, today is a good day to start planning your own space colony.
You'll consider writing a strongly-worded letter to the editor regarding the lack of quorum at local council meetings, but then remember that nobody cares about local politics.
Today is a good day to vacuum. Especially behind the sofa. You never know what mysteries you might uncover back there.
You will have a nice, long conversation with a friend today. Maybe you will talk about your aspirations for the future, and they will be inspired by you.
This year, you will find your soul's purpose in the pursuit of the perfectly wrinkled shirt. Your obsession with the art of nonchalant elegance will be revered by those in the know.
You will inadvertently make an outrageous fashion statement, and it will become a trend.
You'll text your partner aggressively probing questions about how they're feeling today. They'll appreciate your concern, but also realize you're just bored.
You will invent a new word and start using it in everyday conversation. "Flibbertigibbet" is a great place to start.
It's time to break free from the confines of social media and embrace a sense of mystery in your life.
]]>Beware the lurkers lurking in parking lots and always keep an eye out for space lions.
You will finally understand why guinea pigs squeak so much. And you will squeak with them.
You will develop an uncanny ability to identify the precise moment when someone has finished chewing and is ready to speak, and will develop a terrifyingly accurate rhythm for interrupting people at exactly the right moment, ruining every conversation you have.
Believe it or not, a marmoset will be behind the wheel if you take the train today.
Meditate to clear your mind: Find a quiet spot and visualize your thoughts drifting away like clouds.
An alignment of the stars indicates a strong desire to connect with your inner child by diving into a pit of mud puddles like when you were younger, with no concern for your clothes.
When you exit your office building today, you will discover a flock of flamingos grazing in the parking lot. This is an excellent omen for your creative energies, flamingos are known to symbolize adaptability and balance.
The sea is asking you to appreciate its beauty and the calmness it evokes. Take a moment to appreciate the vastness of the sea and the mysteries it holds.
Today is a good day to try a new hobby, especially one that involves an outlet for your creativity. Avoid hunting, puppet-making, and marmoset wrestling unless you have prior experience.
A chance meeting with a stranger will lead you to a profound insight about the nature of, well, anything really. It may not be true, but it's definitely profound.
Ferrets are fun but books are better
In the world of sarcasm, you will achieve legendary status. Your ability to deliver scathing yet witty remarks with a perfectly straight face will earn you the admiration and fear of those around you.
]]>Your reflection in the mirror will reveal more than just your physical appearance. Prepare to be overcome with emotions and contemplate your deepest truths.
A profound appreciation for the simple joys of life, such as a perfectly ripe watermelon, will be yours today.
If you encounter a grey cat today, good fortune is coming your way. If it slips on the pavement, however, this luck will quickly reverse.
You will be able to see invisible colors today. These colors will be completely new to you and very beautiful. Try to find a way to describe them to the people around you so they can appreciate their beauty too, although frankly, they will think you're crazy.
Say yes to surprises, they add an exciting element to daily life.
Your Significant Other will tell you today how much they appreciate you. Don't brush it off! Accept their kind words with grace and tell them you love them too.
You will receive an email from a long-lost friend asking for an urgent loan today. Do not engage with this message, as it is extremely likely to be a scam.
Resist the urge to overuse emojis; today, your emotions are best expressed through interpretive bird calls.
Connect with nature: Take a walk in the park or go on a hike to appreciate the beauty of the great outdoors.
After a long day's work, you'll find a golden moment to sit and reflect. Use this time to practice gratitude for the simple things in life, like having working limbs and access to the internet.
You will have a strong desire to spend time in the great outdoors today. Make sure to pack a picnic lunch and take in the beauty of the sunshine. Just watch out for bees, they have it in for you today.
An epiphany will strike while perusing the aisles of your local pet store, revealing the profound truth that turtles are, in fact, the secret rulers of the world.
]]>Expect a series of small miracles to occur throughout the day, from finding a parking spot easily to encountering a rainbow after a light rain.
A moon eclipse predicts an important decision you will need to make about your life path - fate or destiny?
A feeling of restlessness will overtake you today. Fortunately, this feeling will propel you to clean and organize your closet, resulting in a productive use of this energy.
You will have a dream about performing a choreographed dance number, but when you try to replicate it in real life, it will turn into a viral meme. Consider this a warning to perhaps avoid dancing in public.
You are a born foodie, and this year your taste buds will embark on a journey like no other. From discovering exotic ingredients to mastering mouthwatering recipes, your culinary adventures will be lauded by food critics and envy-inducing on social media.
Do not make online purchases of shoes, for they will inevitably be sharper and more uncomfortable than you anticipated.
An unusual cosmic energy will cause an abundance of cacti to appear in your life, which you will need to learn to live with and appreciate, despite the spines and general dryness.
A mysterious ailment will plague you today, with symptoms including an intense itch and a persistent ringing in your ears. Don't worry, it will all disappear by midnight.
Today you will eat an entire tub of ice cream meant for two people.
A spaceship will appear over your home, and you will rush outside to greet the aliens. They ignore you except by giving you a large brown box marked "take me". Don't open it, as it is probably best not to interfere with alien agendas or redistribute their swag.
You will have a fateful encounter with a pineapple today. Take it as a sign to make some big life changes.
If you eat spicy food today, you will have excellent sex tomorrow.
]]>A colorful parrot will interrupt your lunch today with surprising news: your fridge has been sending you secret messages encoded in the food inside it. You will spend the rest of the day attempting to decipher these messages.
Practice astrology with caution: Analyze the movements of the stars to guide your decisions, but don't rely on them entirely.
You will discover that pomegranates contain a secret message revealing the location of a hidden treasure, leading to a thrilling adventure.
If you can, take a sick day from work. Your boss won't even notice you're gone.
Every time you glance at a mirror today, you will see a different face reflecting back at you. Don't worry, this is not a sign of an alternate reality invading your space, but rather a subtle reminder that you are beautiful in every single way.
Do not dwell on past resolutions or failures - consider them permanent setbacks and move on.
Everything you touch will turn to ice. Sorry!
Today, you will have a profound intuition about an upcoming event. Act on this intuition, even if it seems out of character for you.
You will stumble upon a forgotten photo album from your childhood. Rather than merely flipping through it, you will feel the urge to creatively repurpose the photos, perhaps making a collage or repurposing them into art pieces. Embrace your inner child.
There is an Autobahn shortcut that will save you 20 minutes on your commute home today. It will also take you through the sewer. Trust your instincts on this one. If your commute doesn't go on an Autobahn it must be metaphorical I guess.
From mastering the delicate art of looking effortlessly stylish to discovering the ideal ratio of carelessness to chic, your mastery of the imperfect will be unrivaled.
Learn to love checklists. Making checklists is not as boring as you think. In fact, it'll save you a lot of boredom in the future.
]]>Your car will mysteriously start driving itself today. Whatever you do, do not attempt to catch up on your emails while this is happening, or intervene in any way. Just enjoy the ride and hope you arrive at your destination.
You will find a four-leaf clover today, but instead of bringing you good luck, it will accidentally summon a leprechaun. He will be eager to grant you a wish, but be cautious of what you wish for.
While on a leisurely hike, you will stumble upon a hidden portal to another dimension, where time and space converge in a mesmerizing display of swirling colors and cosmic melodies.
From trying your hand at painting to mastering the art of baking, your newfound hobby will bring boundless joy and excitement to your life.
Your appetite will noticeably decrease today, owing to the influx of lemons in your diet. Perhaps consider switching to limes.
Your lucky colour is brown, which radiates warmth and energy. Wear this colour to amplify your innate power and attract good fortune.
Today, you will discover that you have an unusual talent for attracting stray cats. Embrace this ability and see what transpires.
You will discover the true meaning of the phrase "accidentally broke my elbow" today. Hopefully, this discovery will not involve paramedics.
You will have a chance to join a secret society but will have to leave your identity behind and adopt a new nickname, maybe "The Meme Master"?
Today you will have a strong desire to merge with your couch. You will discover that the couch is just as excited about this idea as you are. Enjoy your day of lounging and don't worry about doing anything else.
A group project will collapse under the weight of excessive optimism and poor planning. You will step in to save the day, but expect no gratitude.
You will have a chance to make a new friend today. However, this person might be an amphibian. It's okay to embrace your more unconventional friendships.
]]>You will have a fleeting desire to move to a castle and live like royalty, preferably in the countryside.
You may find yourself attracted to statues today. Do your best to resist this attraction. It is not appropriate to make out with a statue, regardless of how much it looks like Ryan Gosling.
You will catch your reflection in a shop window and see that you have a spinach leaf stuck in your front tooth. Try to be more mindful of your eating habits.
This year, you will embark on a journey to discover the ultimate hobby. Your quest to find the perfect activity that sparks joy, stimulates your mind, and provides a sense of fulfillment will be a voyage of self-discovery.
A misunderstanding about dinner will lead to an amusing conversation about your different preferences. Remember, friendships are about embracing our differences and finding common ground, just like pizza and garlic bread can be a perfect pairing.
That sneeze you keep suppressing isn't going to go away. Accept fate, grab a tissue, and get it over with.
Today you will have the strength of a thousand elephants, harness this power to accomplish everything you set out to do.
The spirits of the forest protect you today, and provide a subtle guiding hand throughout your endeavours. Should you find yourself amidst nature, pause to listen attentively, for their guidance may come in unexpected forms.
You will spill tomato juice on your white t-shirt today. The stain will be permanent. Consider this a lesson in letting go of perfection.
A chance encounter with a mysterious stranger will spark your interest in joining a secret society.
A group of small birds will impart ancient wisdom upon you today. Unfortunately for you, they will do so in bird language, and you will only understand the word 'tweet'. Try to tweet wisely.
Don't let road bullies push you around. Drive at a safe speed and assert yourself as necessary, big trucks don't automatically earn the right to dominate.
]]>If you value your kidneys do not make any plans to go to concerts today.
The fairies in the garden have notes on your every move.
That thing you are worried about? It's probably not going to happen. But when it does, at least you'll be prepared thanks to the excessive worrying you've been doing. Congratulations on achieving the worst of both worlds!
You'll finally master the art of flipping pancakes, and will briefly consider a career as a short-order chef. Your pancakes will taste great with lemon sauce.
From quick-witted retorts to expertly crafted zingers, your tongue will be sharper than a surgeon's scalpel.
You will crave pie today, and not just any pie, but a specific type of berry pie that you haven't tasted since childhood. Pursue this pie with reckless abandon, and enjoy every savoury bite.
An unexpected visitor will bring you great news today. Hopefully this isn't a visitor from another planet, because that would be weird.
Today you will have extreme luck when it comes to parking. Save yourself the frustration and don't even try to find a spot, just park wherever you please.
A stubborn calf will challenge your midday errands today. Do not attempt to reason with this calf, as reason is decidedly on the calf's side today. Eventually it will tire itself out and you can continue on your way.
From poetic profanity to succinctly expressing your frustration, your potty mouth will become a thing of legend.
When you glance in the mirror today, you will notice that you have grown a handsome mustache overnight. Unfortunately, the mustache will be just mere millimeters long, causing you to question if it's really there at all.
In the vast universe of online arguments, you will be crowned the Supreme Debater. Your ability to skillfully navigate through contentious discussions and present compelling arguments will earn you admiration and respect.
]]>You will have the uncanny ability to understand and communicate with animals today. Take advantage of this skill to uncover the secrets of the local squirrels.
You will have a dream about mermaids tonight. Don't be alarmed, it's just your subconscious processing your underwater scuba certification.
You will have an unexpected run-in with a former colleague today. Don't let the nostalgia overtake you; instead, use this opportunity to reconnect and network for future possibilities. You never know where life will take you.
Keep trans people in mind, they're hot
You will dream about Kanye West tonight. He will try to sell you a pair of shoes that are two sizes too small. Take it as a sign to stand up for yourself.
Your day will significantly improve if you compliment a stranger.
You will find a genie in a bottle, but they will be a genie of very few words and even fewer wishes. Essentially, they will only respond with "maybe" to all of your wishes. Genies are notoriously hard to please, after all.
You will overcome your aversion to runny eggs and embrace the joy of yolkiness.
Your day will consist of several interruptions, each prompting you to choose between doing a load of laundry or completing a puzzle. You will choose the laundry, resulting in a very clean wardrobe and many unfinished puzzles.
Engage in numerology: Discover the significance of numbers in your life and use them to guide your decisions.
You will have a strong desire to dance with a stranger, and they will not refuse you.
The bitterness you feel towards pineapples will suddenly make sense when you discover they are in fact aliens in disguise, plotting to take over the world.
]]>Don't try to be a hero and eat the last slice of cake. We all know it's tilted toward that one person, and they definitely don't need the calories. Save your sweet-toothed exploits for another day.
You will have a dream tonight that reveals the secret to eternal life. Upon waking, you will forget the secret, but the knowledge will linger in your subconscious, influencing your actions in subtle ways.
Your destiny will intertwine with that of a lost feather today. Keep your eyes peeled, and be prepared for unexpected turns and adventures.
You will find a rogue cucumber in your grocery bag today. Don't worry, cucumbers have regenerative properties. Take this as a sign to heal your own emotional wounds.
You will be the first person to hear an angel's wings today. This moment will be briefly illuminated by a beautiful beam of light, so pause and enjoy the spectacle.
Your day will turn around if you hug a cactus.
Carry a rubber chicken for good luck; it will ward off awkward encounters and bring unexpected joy.
A day of alignment: your chakras, your intentions, and your ability to resist impulse purchases will converge to beneficial effect. You will find yourself in just the right place at just the right time to resist a temptation...
An unexpected turn of events may leave you feeling dazed and confused, but don't worry, it's just Mercury rising.
Your week is like a fine wine, and you're about to get drunk off it. But remember, a wine stain is a terrible thing to waste, so maybe have a glass or two at most.
You will dream of kangaroos throughout the night. Don't be alarmed, but do be weary of hopping accidents.
A cryptic message from an alternate dimension will arrive in your inbox. Be cautious of what you believe and ponder the vastness of the universe and the possibilities that exist beyond our realm.
]]>Your boss will give you a surprise 360-degree review today. It'll be enlightening, if not a little scary.
You will be invited to a dinner party tonight but when you arrive the hosts will have been taken over by pod people. Um, okay, maybe skip this one.
Today you shall embrace your inner snail and take things at your own pace. Slow and steady wins the race, after all!
You will have a dream about wooden spoons tonight. Don't worry, it's not symbolic, you just have a very active subconscious.
As you wander through a lush forest, you will encounter a group of friendly yet mischievous fairies who will bestow upon you a series of bizarre and comical blessings.
Embrace the power of mismatched socks; they hold the key to your quirky destiny.
Good luck will be on your side today. Avoid any allergic reactions and spot a bee to harness good fortune.
Rub your belly while running and watch your speed increase threefold.
Check those tags for proper cleaning instructions, some items can go weeks without a wash!
A chance encounter with a celebrity will lead to a misunderstanding that will require an awkward explanation to avoid any repercussions.
You will find a forgotten passport from a past life in the attic, containing evidence of your previous existence as a renowned artist in Paris. Spend the day dreaming up your next masterpiece.
Your love life will take a turn for the dramatic today. Expect a stormy confrontation with your partner over whether or not to use a coaster.Individuality is paramount.
]]>Today you will have the power of telepathy. Use it to make a duckface at that guy who cut you off in traffic.
After discovering a mysterious package outside your door, you will embark on a thrilling adventure involving government conspiracies, cryptic clues, and an infectious paranoia that will bind you together with your roommates in a fight for survival.
A bird will poo on you today. Don't wash it off, the luck will wash away with the poo.
If you feel compelled to start a new hobby this week, maybe choose one that doesn't involve balancing spinning plates on your head. Unless you're very good at that.
You will suddenly realize that you've been mispronouncing the word "jorts" all your life.
You will have a dream about cows tonight and it will change your life.
Be cautious today, for seagulls and badgers have inexplicably switched places, and you do not want to get caught in the crossfire.
From skillfully changing the subject to gracefully excusing yourself, your aversion to small talk will inspire others to yearn for more meaningful interactions.
Today you will experience an intense craving for pudding and will eat it for both lunch and dinner.
Beware of rogue tumbleweeds; they hold the answers to questions you didn't even know you had.
You will dream about bananas tonight, but not in the way you think. Your subconscious will seamlessly merge bananas with the idea of teamwork, and you'll dream about being part of a synchronized banana-tossing squad.
Today will be a good day to try a new recipe. Consider making something you've never heard of before, like syllabub or fish molee. You might just discover a new favorite.
]]>A unique opportunity to hug a tree presents itself. Embrace it (literally and figuratively).
You will forget what you were worried about last night as soon as you wake up. Unfortunately, the anxiety will simply transfer to a different aspect of your life, manifesting as an intense fear of teleportation. Try to stay grounded today (literally and metaphorically).
You will dream of being a kite today, but remember that while kites enjoy the breeze, they are also at the mercy of it.
From nuanced Twitter exchanges to insightful forum debates, your eloquence and logical prowess will be unparalleled.
Today you will find yourself suddenly able to understand what dogs are saying. They are actually speaking an advanced form of Latin, and you will be astounded at how much they complain about their owners. Do not be alarmed when all the dogs start howling at noon.
A reminder that no matter how bad things seem, there's always a bright side. Sometimes we need a little nudge to help us see the good in life.
The letters of the alphabet will spontaneously begin to rearrange themselves today, causing words to lose their meaning and for spoken language to take on an enchanting new melody.
You will have a deep, philosophical conversation with a relative you rarely see. Whether it's about the meaning of life, the existence of aliens, or the proper way to load a dishwasher, it will leave you feeling enriched and grateful for people in your life.
You will find a message in a bottle on the beach. Sadly, it will be in Latin and the only Latin you know is "magna cattus navitas"
A stranger will give you a cryptic message today. Don't try to solve it, it's probably a trap.
If you're feeling tired today, consider taking a nap. Sleep is the best medicine for most things (except maybe hunger).
Don't get fizzy, stick to the flat variety today.
]]>Beware of those around you. True friends will communicate in Morse code, but others may not have your best interests at heart and could lead you astray with innocent cricket clicks.
Your true friends will communicate with you in Morse code, but be wary of impostors and the occasional cricket.
You will find a four-leaf clover today. Unfortunately, it will be radioactive. This will lead to a complicated situation that you probably don't want to find yourself in.
From timeless classics to clever contemporary quips, your dad joke repertoire will be unmatched. Prepare to be the life of every party and the bane of everyone's humourless friend.
Your enemies are plotting your demise, again. Thankfully they are pretty inept, so you needn't worry too much. Besides, you have a secret weapon: your ability to make excel spreadsheets! Use this skill to your advantage and thwart their evil plans.
Consider an afternoon nap, preferably at work
Today is a good day to conquer your fears and try something new. If you're afraid of heights, try eating a delicious meal at a rooftop restaurant. If you're afraid of clowns, try watching a movie where they're the heroes. Conquer your fears in small doses.
You will adopt an unusual new pet, like a stick insect or a tarantula. They will befriend your cat.
At work, you may feel the need to introduce a novelty desk accessory to your colleagues. While it may not enhance productivity, it will certainly make your desk stand out.
Your life is a telenovela and you're the lead character: expect a lot of drama today.
Your presence will have an inexplicable calming effect on angry mobs, and you will find that simply by showing up, you can single-handedly diffuse tense situations, causing crowds to calmly and quietly disperse without resistance.
You will embark on a journey of self-discovery this week. Hopefully, it's not a journey involving climbing Mount Everest, because that would just be crazy.
]]>Don't let the mules deceive you. Even though they may appear aloof, it is critical that you promptly address any molehills they erect, for they can metamorphose into mountains in no time.
The cafeteria's mystery meat is calling your name; indulge, and a revelation will unfold.
You will have the power to hear what dogs are thinking today. You will discover that they are plotting to take over the world and you alone will know this.
In the realm of GIF usage, you will ascend to the rank of GIF Whisperer. Your ability to expertly select and incorporate the perfect GIF into any conversation will add a touch of humor and creativity.
You will have a strong desire to drink orange juice straight from the carton today. Resist this urge, because orange juice always stains the couch, no matter how carefully you try to drink it.
Elevenses shall be your new favorite word today. Learn it, love it, use it.
You will spontaneously develop teleportation abilities. These powers will manifest when you are in close proximity to an electrical socket.
Your horoscope today is interconnected with that of your lesser-known neighbor; you'll experience both joy and misery together.
Today is a good day to adopt an elderly cat. Somehow this cat will increase your social media following, despite being eternally grumpy in all of your posts.
Today is a good day to think about what you want to do with your life, or at the very least the next hour. Avoid making any sudden decisions as it could have drastic consequences for the space-time continuum.
Today would be a great day to start a journal. Journals are not just for teenage girls. Or maybe they are, and you are finally embracing your inner teenage girl? Embrace it fully.
You will find a forgotten penny on the street today. Don't spend it, it will bring you bad luck.
]]>Whatcha eating?
From utilizing influencer promo codes to leveraging loyalty programs, your strategic shopping and returns will inspire envy and awe.
You will have a great time today as long as you don't check the time.
An unexpected apology will arrive via carrier pigeon, unlocking positive possibilities for reconciliation and forgiveness.
Keep an eye out for mysterious messages in puddles. Don't ignore what appears.
You will find a long-lost family member today. Maybe it will be your cousin, Bob.
You will have a chance to make a wish come true today. That wish will involve garlic bread.
Today you will pick up that antique metal detector you've had your eye on and start your hunt for historical treasure.
You might consider wearing a hat this week. Unfortunately, the choice of hat is out of your control, as it will be dictated by the wind.
A penny picked up today will bring you luck and prosperity. Remember to appreciate the small moments and the little things in life that can bring joy and richness.
Today's lucky colour is blue. Or maybe it's just a nice colour. Anyway, today is a good day to wear it.
You might be tempted to buy glitter today, resist if you can!
]]>Today, you will be overcome with the desire to point at things. Kindly direct this urge toward objects that are not alive and certainly not other people.
This year, you will embark on a journey to discover the ultimate cocktail. Your quest for the perfect blend of spirits, mixers, and garnish will be a pursuit of epic proportions.
Your week will involve a formidable struggle between a desire for freedom and the desire to not pay an overdraft fee. Choose wisely.
Today is a good day to break out of your routine and try a new hairstyle. Shoulder-length mushroom cuts are always in style.
Your sign indicates that you are destined for great things in the world of napping. This year, you will triumph in the art of catnapping, claimingvictory over even the most elusive of sleep forms.
Your usual mode of transportation will be substituted with a thrilling rollercoaster ride today. Hold on tight and enjoy the ups and downs of life.
You will spontaneously grow a third arm today. While at first, this may be a nuisance, you will come to find that it has its own unique abilities. By the end of the day, you will be able to do everything three times as fast.
That Uber account is expensive enough without your cat's penchant for carousing.
Today would be a great day to adopt a pet, especially a quadruped with exceptional olfactory abilities.
Don't buy colorful clothing, stick to navy
Avoid papal gatherings at all costs.
You will spontaneously start speaking in verse today. Whether it's iambic pentameter or free verse, you'll be astonished at the beauty of your own poetry. Of course, those around you might find it a tad annoying, so try to refrain from speaking in public...
]]>A misunderstanding about the proper use of an asterisk will lead to unnecessary confusion and drama. Avoid using asterisks today unless you're absolutely sure what they mean.
A secret admirer shall reveal themselves to you in a most unexpected fashion. Should they approach you with a lyrical sonnet, rest assured it is meant for your ears only.
From sarcastic comebacks to ironic one-liners, your sarcastic arsenal will be brimming with lethal jokes that cut deep and leave a lasting impression.
Start communicating exclusively through interpretative dance; your true feelings can only be expressed through graceful moves.
A unexpected encounter with a squirrel will remind you of the beauty in the mundane.
Pictures of you will turn out fantastically well today.
Today you will discover a new sensation: itchy underwear. Don't worry, this is a sign of good luck.
A chance meeting with a renowned chef will lead to a unforgettable culinary adventure culminating in a mouth-watering meal of honey-roasted ice cream.
Embrace the colour mauve; it will guide you through perplexing situations with its subtle charm.
From classic concoctions to innovative creations, your cocktail recipes will be the life of every party. Prepare to be revered as a mixology maestro and the honorary bartender at every gathering.
Auspiciously, a new bubble gum flavour shall reveal itself to you today. Taste not with hesitation, but with an open mind and repentless enthusiasm.
Don't be surprised if your usual takeaway order is delivered by a group of friendly bikers enjoying a scenic drive.
]]>Your friends will admire you today for your ability to converse on any topic. Within seconds you'll be able to talk to them about retractable ball-point pens andarezitively engaginzing.
Don't talk to strangers. todays not the day to make new friends.
As a sapling grows strongest when its branches reach towards the sun, so too shall your own aspirations find fortitude when you nourish them with the light of perseverance.
You will have the opportunity to make a wish today. Try not to wish for more wishes, because that would just be greedy.
Today you will conquer your fear of heights by finally taking that ladder to the attic.
Did you forget to put in your contact lenses this morning? Don't worry, mistakes happen! Just remember to be kind to yourself and others, and everything will become clearer.
There is a chance you will run into an ex today. Try to be civil, but also make sure to assert your independence and strengths since leaving them.
If you're feeling lost, just follow the trail of puppy pics to find your way back to happiness.
Today, someone will angrily swipe their hand across their steering wheel in frustration as they pass by the perfectly-sized parking spot you just snagged, and they'll wonder why their horoscope didn't warn them of this misfortune.
A sunny day will turn into a stormy one as you suddenly develop the ability to control the weather with your mind. You will use this power for evil and cause a minor thunderstorm to ruin someone's outdoor picnic.
You will receive an unexpected windfall in the form of a scratch ticket victory. Use these funds to purchase cupcakes, as the universe is also telling you to eat cake.
An unexpected promotion at work will lead to a sudden influx of cash and an obsession with unusual hobbies like ping pong or curling.
]]>You've always wanted to be an astronaut, right? Today is the day you start your interstellar archaeology career by beginning to dig for extraterrestrial artifacts. Happy digging!
Tomorrow's lucky number is 111111.
You will be able to taste colors today. This will be an interesting experience but also very confusing. You'll discover that yellow tastes like mustard and that the color blue is disgusting, akin to eating soap. Hopefully, you don't have to eat anything blue today.
If you feel the uncontrollable urge to howl at the moon today, try to do so in an indoor setting. Howling exorbitantly is generally better suited for wolves.
If you have errands to run today, consider swimming there instead of walking or driving.
Tomorrow will be a good day to sell stolen goods, especially if you have a lot of brass fixtures laying around.
A rare astronomical event will take place tonight, visible only from your backyard. Set up a telescope and prepare for a cosmic spectacle that will leave you in awe.
Don't dwell on the past. You said something stupid? Join the club. We all have. The key is to move on and not let it eat away at you. Unless it was recently. In which case, you're fucked.
You will have a dream about dinosaurs tonight. Just go with it. It will be fun.
You've got this hidden talent for juggling anonymously
Don't trust the sparkling water, it's a trick
You will win $100 today but lose $200. That is still a net win, so congrats! Enjoy a fancy dinner to celebrate!
]]>An unusual recipe will catch your eye today. Don't be afraid to try something new and experiment with your culinary skills, even if it involves adding marshmallows to sushi.
A chance meeting with a celebrity will lead to an unexpected friendship, unless they're too busy for you.
Your destiny lies in mastering the art of interpretive shadow puppetry; unleash your inner silhouette artist.
At some point today a rainbow will appear. Sadly, there is no pot of gold at the end of it. Actually there is, but it's filled with the leprechaun's literal diarrhea and is highly toxic.
Today is a good day to stay indoors.Hundreds of Forrest Gumps will sprint past your home, disrupting your routine, and littering their path with pennies.
Absorbing workout advice from social media celebrities is a recipe for disappointment. Save your ego and your wallet, devise a plan that works for you and stick to it.
You will have a strange urge to dance today. Fortunately for you, your rhythm has gone on vacation and cannot be located. Extraordinarily bad dancing will occur regardless.
While you may feel inclined to chirp like a bird today, it's best to keep this phenomenon confined to your daydreams.
You will embark on a journey to reunite with a beloved fork from your childhood.
A chance encounter with a mysterious stranger will leave you pondering the meaning of life.
Your car will inexplicably stall at exactly 12:34 PM today. Do not be alarmed; this is a mere coincidence and won't happen again.
This year, you will find your path to enlightenment through the art of mindful drinking. Your ability to savor each sip of your favorite beverage, be it a finely crafted beer or a decadent glass of wine, will elevate your appreciation for the art of drinking.
]]>Your lucky number is 87; repeat it three times before boarding any form of transport for good luck.
You will be consumed by a spontaneous and uncontrollable urge to dance today. Preferably somewhere public.
Your significant other will inexplicably forget an important date. Ignore their pathetic excuses and cherish your alone time.
Your ability to find the perfect present for every occasion, tailored to the unique interests and desires of the recipient, will be revered by all.
Today you will embrace your inner pirate and talk like a sailor immobilizing everyone with your excruciating dialogue starting with arr and ending with matey Argh, ye scalawag! Ye better watch yer back today or ye might walk the plank amid a whim of steel!
Your name will be chosen for the winner of a brand-new car in a mysterious lottery you never entered. Don't dismiss this unexpected opportunity - claim your prize!
A notorious crime will have you questioning the innocence of a seemingly innocent person. Use your detective skills to uncover the truth and solve the case.
Space lions are not to be reckoned with, watch out.
Expect some confusion today. You will find yourself with extra potatoes but will have no idea where they came from or how to dispose of them.
In the realm of flirting, you are a star that cannot be denied. Your charms will shine brighter than the glow of a thousand celestial bodies. From seductive smirks to cheeky banter, your flirting arsenal will be brimming with irresistible tactics.
You will win the lottery today. Well, technically it isn't the lottery, because you've never bought a ticket. But hey, optimism!
Your ability to handle calamity and distress will be tested this week. Hopefully, it's not a test where someone's life depends on it.
]]>You will win an intense game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, but it will leave you feeling uneasy.
A bird will unexpectedly poop on you today. This is a sign that you need to let go of your worries and embrace the messiness of life. Clean yourself off and move forward with a positive outlook.
Don't try to fix anything until you know for sure that everyone knows it's broken. Save yourself the trouble and wait for the torrent of angry texts complaining that the internet isn't working.
You will have a strong desire to rearrange your books according to colour today. Proceed with this task, but don't get caught up in an endless cycle of perfecting the arrangement.
A watermelon will fall from the sky and explode on the pavement next to you, revealing a secret map of treasures hidden within the produce section of your local grocery store.
Should you find yourself in a sticky situation today, a group of friendly squirrels will come to your rescue.
You might feel the urge to crawl into a shell like a turtle today. If you do, make sure it's not a literal shell, and maybe choose a comfortable one.
Don't try to fix your own technological problems if you don't know what you're doing. Instead, ask for help or look it up online. You'll save yourself a lot of time and frustration by acknowledging your limitations.
Todays not a good day to try new drugs, stick to what you know.
You will receive a strange vision tonight while asleep. It may involve potatoes. Don't be alarmed, visions of potatoes are known to predict good fortune.
The morning will start off routine, but things will quickly heat up when you accidentally drop your breakfast burrito in your shoe. Improvements to the footwear-food protection industry are urgently needed.
Today, you will have a strong desire to rename everything in your path. Try to resist this urge, especially if it involves changing your significant other's name to things like "Boonky-Boi the Third."
]]>The clouds will part ways, revealing a message just for you: a secret clue to a hidden treasure. Grab your shovel and start digging in your backyard for a windfall.
You will receive an unexpected invitation to a fancy dress party. Wear something that makes you feel like a million dollars, and prepare to make an extravagant entrance.
You will have an important decision to make today. Luckily, it will be a decision between a red dress and a blue dress, so it's not that hard after all.
A normally docile animal will wreak havoc on your day, making you late and causing general mayhem.
If you're feeling restless today, consider taking up a new hobby. Archery is a great hobby for releasing stress (literally).
You will stumble upon a hilarious meme that will make your day. You will desperately want to share it with your friends but decide to exercise self-restraint, keeping it to yourself as a cherished secret. Don't be afraid to indulge in harmless humor, though.
Auspiciously, your day will be filled with compliments. Your hair looks great today. That said, try to avoid any shrimp.
You'll have good luck today if you can spot a bee.
A flock of seagulls will interrupt your beach day today. They are trying to tell you something. It's up to you to decide what it is.
Don't feel like you need to finish every podcast series you start, listen to your desires.
A random stranger will smile at you today. Don't be alarmed; they are not trying to conspire against you. In fact, they might just be thinking about how delicious your aura is.
Wear red and people will be confused, wear blue and they'll be intrigued, but avoid purple at all costs
]]>Don't forget to drink lots of water today, and maybe even consume a juicy piece of fruit or tooosus.
You will experience an odd gust of wind from an unexpected direction today, wait for it and be prepared.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent llama
You will feel an unusual desire to organize your sock drawer today. Not just straightening it out, but implementing a wholly new organizational system, possibly categorized by color, thickness, or a made-up category like " Levels of Awesome."
You will be able to hear what animals think today. You will discover that they are just as confused about life as humans are. This will lead to a greater appreciation of the world around you and the shared experience of being alive.
You will uncharacteristically lose a fierce debate, despite having the most logical argument.
Your morning coffee will mysteriously taste like pumpkin spice and lavender.
A random object will unlock hidden talents, maybe
Today would be a great day to start learning how to knit. You can make your own sweaters and socks, and maybe even a scarf for your pet lizard.
Your love life will take a turn for the spontaneous today. Expect passionate kisses and whirlwind romance, or at the very least an unexpectedly steamy encounter with a stranger on the escalator.
A colour will catch your eye today. Whatever you do, don't look at it directly. It's not worth risking eternal damnation just for a glance at the azure abyss.
If you've always dreamed of discovering extraterrestrial life, today could be a great day to start researching and learning about alien archaeology.
]]>You will find a four-leaf clover today, but don't rely on luck anymore. Your life is about to get ridiculously fortunate, and it's time to lean into that hard work and perseverance.
Bees are hardworking and resilient--they thrive on teamwork and cooperation. If you spot a bee today, take it as a sign to incorporate these virtues into your own life.
A strange noise will perturb you throughout the day today. Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to locate the source of this noise, and it will drive you mad. Just remember, madness is relative, and tomorrow you will likely forget all about this.
Your hands possess the ability to instantly thaw frozen food, and you will use this power to revolutionize the way we consume ice cream, finally putting an end to the misery of waiting minutes for a treat to soften.
When talking to a new person, be bold and talk about the apocalypse or someone you dislike, most people prefer to discuss their hobbies.
You emit good vibes today, so take advantage of them and pursue opportunities.
If you happen to encounter a rainbow today, take it as a good omen. Your lucky leprechaun is nearby.
You will make an impulse purchase today. It will make you feel alive.
A glitch in the matrix will occur today, prepare yourself by wearing clothing that is reversible for when you enter and exit the matrix.
You will have a series of minor difficulties today, but everything will be easily overcome by simply taking your shoes off.
In the world of online shopping, you will rise above the rest as an Elite Returns Ninja. Your ability to navigate the labyrinth of return policies and effortlessly exchange items will be revered by your fellow shoppers.
Heightened senses will be yours today, enabling you to detect the aroma of onions from an adjacent apartment block. Use this power wisely.
]]>No matter how busy you get, you will make time to water your plants and nurture your loved ones.
A stranger will approach you with an offer to time travel. Before accepting, consider the potential consequences and ensure you have a reliable return ticket.
God is telling you to quit dipping your chicken nuggets today. Just don't do it.
Don't be alarmed if you suddenly start growing feathers. This is a mere side-effect of your confidence and attractiveness, which are on full display today.
In the vast universe of dog owners, you will be crowned the Patron Saint of Pug Parents. Your adorable Instagram posts and comedic anecdotes about your pug's antics will garner a loyal following.
Your luck at finding parking spots will inexplicably shift today. You will find that every spot you attempt to park in is Taken. Perhaps try riding a bike instead.
If you take a bus today a parrot will be the bus driver.
You will have a surprisingly insightful conversation with a piece of furniture today.
You will discover a new definition of the word 'humid' today. Expect to be sweaty, whether you're in an air conditioned home or not.
A missed connection on public transportation will lead to a tragic unrequited love. Someone will catch your eye across a crowded bus, but they will never get off at your stop.
A spontaneous trip to the zoo will lead to an unexpected encounter with a giraffe. The giraffe will offer you insightful life advice, but you will have to decipher its meaning through subtle gestures as it is too tall to talk to you face-to-face.
Today is a good day to stay indoors and avoid any encounters with bikers, who will unfortunately be involved in a nasty spat with the police and respond with unnecessary violence.
]]>Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning; you may want to verify that with your optometrist.
Today will be a great day to try something new. Maybe a new type of food, or a new hobby like limbo dancing or bog snorkeling. Teeth whitening counts too.
You will embark on a journey to find the perfect lighting for an Instagram photoshoot, only to realize that natural light is always best.
An ordinary afternoon at the grocery store will transform into a life-changing encounter with a charismatic and enigmatic stranger who will challenge your perceptions of reality and introduce you to the world of lucid dreaming.
Avoid using the word "klutz" today. Someone will take it personally.
That sinister-looking cactus is just longing to be taken home and loved.
Believe in fate: Trust that everything happens for a reason and embrace the opportunities that come your way.
A cute animal will cross your path today. Hopefully this isn't a wombat, because those guys can get pretty aggressive.
You will be asked to judge a beauty contest for vegetables. Do so impartially, but use your discretionary powers to reward the most ambitious entrants.
An unknown force will compel you to buy a stranger a cup of coffee, this act of kindness will have profound effects on your week.
An uncanny ability to communicate with aquatic life will reveal itself, leading to an unforgettable underwater adventure with a friendly pod of dolphins.
You will have an intense dream about wrestling a jellyfish. Upon waking, you will feel a strange sense of confidence, as if you can tackle any challenge that comes your way. Use this newfound courage to face a difficult task you've been avoiding.
]]>Remember, whatever doesn't kill you today was actually a harmless mosquito. Stay calm when others around you are losing their heads (and possibly their sanity).
Your significant Ooher will unexpectedly confess their undying love for you today. Try to contain your excitement, because they are probably just flirting.
You will have a strong desire to go swimming with whales today. Don't do this, for obvious reasons. This yearning will be satisfied by taking a dip in the local pool with your swim cap adorned with whale stickers.
You will discover a newfound appreciation for a genre of music you previously despised.
Take that siesta, just maybe avoid the wet dream afterward
Nobody likes a seat hog. Whether it's a train, bus, or airplane, common courtesy dictates that you should occupy only your designated space.
The stars predict that you will have an unexpected epiphany while doing mundane chores. Keep that sparkle in your eyes alive!
A bar of chocolate will cure almost all of your problems today. Except maybe lactose intolerance. Definitely avoid lactose intolerance.
You will discover a new found talent for belching the alphabet. Today is not the day to try this out on a first date.
The position of the moon in the cosmos dictates your fate, so proceed with caution.
The wind will powerfully whip through your hair, effectively blinding you for a moment. You'll curse the wind but appreciate the sensation.
As you immerse yourself in the soothing sounds of a nearby waterfall, you will discover a newfound ability to communicate with plants, who will reveal their ancient wisdom and share their secrets for cultivating happiness.
]]>Today is the day you finally discover the true purpose of that random object you've had for years. It will unlock great things. Maybe not as great as a fridge, but pretty great.
You will indulge in a bubble bath tonight, secure in the knowledge that marmosets are excellent swimmers.
You will experience an intense desire to binge-watch a reality TV show today. Do it. We all need mindless entertainment sometimes.
Your daily routine will be disrupted by a series of absurdly funny mishaps, reminding you to embrace the unpredictability of life and find laughter in the chaos.
You will have a boring conversation with a coworker about topics such as the weather or last night's game, but it will ultimately bring you closer to each other.
All of your dedication to improving your tennis game will finally pay off today. Keep your eye on the ball...and maybe employ some of your new Morse code communication skills with your tennis buddies to gossip about your frenemies.
Today, your inner child demands to watch cartoons; succumb to the nostalgia and let your inner characters shine.
You will finally find the hole you've been looking for. Congratulations! Now what are you going to do with it?
Like a twinkling star, you shall guide others through the darkness. Your presence and radiance will have a lasting impact on those around you.
You will be inundated with useless trivia today. Try to conceal your knowledge of the marshmallow's origin story or you'll never hear the end of it.
Resist the siren song of the glitter aisle today. Unless you desperately need glitter, in which case, by all means, buy as much as your heart desires. But be prepared to find it everywhere for the next five years.
The conditions for extraterrestrial archaeology have never been better, and today you will find the hole you've been looking for. Whether it's a new career path, a spiritual journey, or a literal hole in your backyard, you're ready to excavate new possibilities.
]]>Avoid any pits or holes that appear today as they will surely be a trap set by an evil wizard seeking to enslave princesses from far away lands.
You will wake up with a mysterious foreign object in your pocket: a smooth, black stone adorned with delicate white etchings that you don't remember picking up.
You will have an unexpected dream about an old friend you haven't seen in years. Reach out to them and reconnect, regardless of the passage of time.
Today you will discover the true evilness of bananas: they ripen too quickly, they spoil the rest of your fruit, and they leave streaks on your clothes. Beware of the treachery of bananas!
You will find a four-leaf clover, but only after you have convinced a friend that three-leaf clovers are lucky too.
In the realm of dad jokes, you will ascend to the rank of Master of Mirth. Your expertly crafted puns will elicit groans and eye rolls, followed by a resounding chorus of laughter.
Your friends will insist on paying for your meals today as a show of their appreciation for your friendship. Don't insist on paying; instead, order the most extravagant thing on the menu.
An invisible halo of misfortune will surround you today, causing minor setbacks and inconveniences to occur around you at random. Wherever you go and whatever you do, a mysterious force will ensure that everything takes ten percent longer than it should.
You will dream of falling tonight but right before you hit the ground you will wake up. Unfortunately, that waking up part is just a dream and you will hit the ground hard. Hopefully you slept through that part and woke up safely in your bed.
You will fantasize about quitting your job to pursue your true passion, asteroid mining. Unfortunately, Pluto extraction is currently illegal and space law is notoriously difficult to navigate.
A winged messenger brings news of greatness to you today. Accept this blessing with grace and readiness, for opportunity lingers but a moment.
Resist the temptation to upgrade your phone every time a new model is released, embrace the agony of consciousness.
]]>You are destined for greatness in the world of casual insults. Your ability to deliver blistering comebacks with a deftness that would make a razor-tongued legend like Oscar Wilde envious will be unparalleled.
You will have a deep conversation with a flower today.
This year, you will find your true calling in the world of curse words. Your ability to artfully combine inventive expletives will be hailed as a masterpiece of creative cursing.
Someone called Brian will ask you for a favor today. Feel free to lend them your ears, but not your handkerchief.
You will receive a mysterious package in the mail, containing a single ping pong ball with a note that reads, "Don't bounce it."
Steer clear of escalators; they have a mind of their own today, and it's not in your favor.
You will discover a hidden compartment in your home filled with unexpected treasures: forgotten gifts, spare change, and even a mischievous elf. Happy hunting!
Follow that cute dog and angry seagull. You never know where they might lead you and you could use the adventure. Just watch out for pigeon droppings. And dog slobber.
Today, the Wheel of Sushi turns in your favour. Adventure and delightful gastronomic surprises await you, should you dare to step outside your comfort zone and sample something new.
Before leaving the house, check your hat for spiders; there's a high chance of arachnid activity in and around your possessions.
Eurovision fans know Ukraine 2007 is the bee's knees, elimination of doubts imminent.
That squeaky hinge isn't going to fix itself. You might as well tighten it before it wakes up the whole house.
]]>Today you will realize you have been walking around all day with your fly down. Reward yourself with a donut for being you.
You will find a four-leaf clover today. Keep it safely amongst your lint and loose change.
You will receive an unexpected invitation to join a secret society but must bring an item of great importance to gain entry - it will be a porcelain turtle.
A mysterious flock of seagulls will follow you around today, interpreting your every move as though it were a sign from above. They will deposit trash everywhere you go, just to see what you will do.
Your lucky color today is cerulean amber.
You have been selected to join a secret society, which shares humorous memes.
You will find a hidden room in your house. It will be very dusty.
A scorpion will cross your path today. Fortunately, you'll have the upper hand because you'll be wearing wooden shoes.
Don't accept any free drinks whatsoever today.
Today you will be the victim of an innocent misunderstanding. Do not worry, it will sort itself out in time, and hopefully you can avoid being yelled at by an angry sailor.
Someone will tell you that you have food on your face. Don't respond with hostility, they are just trying to help.
You will have a dream about performing surgery on an orange. When you wake up, you'll wonder if it was a dream about rebirth or just citrus agriculture. You'll probably never know the truth, so just enjoy the orange juice tomorrow morning.
]]>Your favorite color will suddenly become green for unknown reasons.
A leprechaun will bring you luck today. Hopefully this luck isn't just a four-leaf clover hidden under a rock.
A mysterious object will unlock your true powers; maybe it's that rock in your garden or the sock under your bed. Who knows?
You will have the extraordinary ability to communicate with animals. Take this opportunity to learn from the wisdom of the wildlife around you and appreciate the beauty of nature.
You will have a surprisingly stimulating conversation with a slice of toast today. Try to avoid letting the bread crunching noises dominate the dialogue.
Have you been neglecting your potted plant? Sorry to bear bad tidings, but it will probably die today. Try spending more time with your other plants to make up for it.
No online shoe purchases today, your feet will thank you
Your daily routine will be disrupted by a series of inexplicable events, from traffic jams to power outages. Embrace the unexpected and go with the flow.
At parties, attendance is optional, life is short
Connect with animal spirits: Discover the symbolism and wisdom of your spirit animal to guide you on your path.
You will feel an unusual surge of energy today, and an intense desire to rearrange all of your furniture. After completing this task, you will feel a strong sense of accomplishment and a pleasing affinity for feng shui.
A secret society will invite you to join them, but they're really into sharing funny memes.
]]>You will have a chance to make a great sacrifice today. Maybe sacrifice isn't the right word... let's call it altruism. Anyway, you'll get to hold the door open for someone.
When you spill your coffee today, resist the urge to throw a tantrum. You'll get through this minor inconvenience without needing an adult to explain how life works.
A person from your past might forget your name today. Don't be afraid to gently remind them, or just embrace the fact that some people are simply forgetful.
If you find a wandering duck in your vicinity today, try to avoid renaming it "Jeff" and insisting it is your new best friend. Some things are best in their natural state.
Ditch the usual morning routine and brush your teeth with pickles; your dental hygiene will thank you for the zesty change.
A twist of fate will ensure that you cross paths with a marmoset today. Let this encounter be a reminder to embrace the unpredictability of life and to approach each day with an open mind and a sense of adventure.
You will have an unexpected encounter with a squirrel today. Be prepared for a sudden diversion in your plans.
You will have an unexpected encounter with a famous person, someone you've always admired from a distance. Don't be starstruck - remember that they're just a person too. Who knows, maybe they'll impart some words of wisdom or offer you a tasty snack.
Your love life will take an unexpected turn today. Rather than flirting with potential partners, you will find yourself gravitating towards cuddly animals, like puppies and kittens. Don't dismiss these feelings - there's beauty in platonic love too.
Don't let your fears convince you that the vacuum cleaner is secretly plotting your demise.
Today will be filled with unexpected synchronizations and coincidences. Use these events as reminders of the interconnectedness of all things.
You will embrace the challenges that come your way today, knowing that adversity is merely a hurdle at ankle height.
]]>Adopt the wisdom of fortune cookies; your fate is intricately woven within those cryptic messages.
Your improved tennis serve will lead to a newfound confidence in your ability to succeed in other areas of life.
Your new spirit animal is the elusive office stapler; channel its steadfast dedication to holding things together.
A pigeon will deliver a cryptic message to you today. It will be written on a scrap of paper and tied to the pigeon's leg with a strand of spaghetti. Unfortunately the pasta will be cold and limp by the time it reaches you.
You will make it a habit to forgive others, but most importantly, you will learn to forgive yourself.
Tomorrow will be Monday. Prepare yourself mentally for the week ahead by doing absolutely nothing today. You've earned it.
Your lucky snack for the day is gummy bears; indulge, and you'll discover the secrets of the universe.
You will discover that the trees outside your home have started to communicate in a secret language. Try to decipher what they're saying, but respect their privacy.
You'll spill soda on your keyboard today. It is neither fatal nor catastrophic, but you will find the experience deeply inconvenient.
Your daily commute will be disrupted by an escaped parrot today. Don't try to catch it; instead, encourage others to join you in a lunchtime parrot parade.
An eccentric artist will approach you with an offer to collaborate on a unique project. Let your creativity run wild and embrace the unconventional ideas that emerge.
You will wake up feeling a bit under the weather today. Fortunately you will receive an abundance of get well soon cards from strangers. Somehow this will not make you feel better, but at least you will know that people out there are thinking of you.
]]>Your boss will recognize your unique talents today, by giving you a seemingly impossible task. Don't worry, any task can be accomplished through determination and shear will.
A surprise birthday party is coming your way, but it will be a surprise for someone else. You will accidentally ruin the surprise, but your presence will still be appreciated.
A gust of wind will carry secret messages. Try to intercept them, but be careful of the messenger.
Today, you shall embrace your inner child by taking a trip to a playground and partaking in some merry-go-round fun.
Pursue esoteric knowledge: Dive into the mysteries of ancient philosophies and religions to expand your understanding of the universe.
A mysterious benefactor will cover your expenses for the day, allowing you to indulge in luxurious experiences without worrying about the cost. Embrace the freedom and appreciate the unexpected generosity.
A spontaneous dance party will erupt in the most unexpected place today. Find the rhythm in your step and let loose like nobody's watching.
Do not buy unnecessary items in flashy colors; stick to the basics.
No matter how tempting it may be, you will not partake in the office birthday cake today, for fear of contracting the crabbies.
If you feel a sudden urge to join a pyramid scheme, maybe lay off on sharing it with your closest friends just yet.
An unexpected nap with a Capricorn will leave you feeling confused and unrested. You will swear you were visited by aliens in your sleep but can only remember snippets of their conversation.
You will have an unexpected craving for bubble wrap. Seek out the most satisfying piece to pop.
]]>A mysterious messenger will deliver a coded message to you today. Don't try to decipher it; instead, use it as a decorative paperweight and move on with your day.
Like two jigsaw pieces fitting seamlessly together, so too shall you find your soulmate today. Pay attention to the little coincidences and fleeting moments, for they shall bring you closer to this heavenly union.
Don't be afraid to speak up if something's wrong. But maybe today is a good day to practice letting others take the lead in conversation.
A feeling of helplessness will wash over you today as you confront the enormity of global issues. Take small actions to make a difference and don't lose hope.
Your keen observational skills will be needed today, so try to avoid gazing at your navel. There's a difference between being introspective and being unaware.
If you are in a meeting and can't understand what everyone is talking about, it's probably because they are all speaking a made-up language invented solely for the purpose of mocking you. Shake your head in disapproval, but secretly be flattered.
You will have an intense craving for ice cream today, no matter the temperature. Find a way to satisfy this craving in a healthy and sustainable manner.
You will embrace the wisdom and company of friends both young and old.
Today you will have the power of invisibility. Use it wisely and escape your enemies, but be careful not to lose yourself in the process.
You will experience an abundance of cacti in your life for no reason, but there is no cause for concern.
The fates conspire to bless your endeavours in the realm of love today. Should you kiss a stranger on the subway, rest assured they shall not be a stranger for long.
Turkish eggs are dashed forever.
]]>Your yearly pity party is today. You can cry if you want to!
A rogue asteroid will hit Earth today. Thankfully, it will only destroy a small desert in Belarus. Feel free to send it your condolences.
Someone will tell an outrageously stupid joke today. Instead of rolling your eyes, try to appreciate the absurdity of life and embrace the laughter, however unintentional it may be. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.
An unusual dream will leave you questioning your reality. Analyze your subconscious thoughts and decipher the hidden messages to gain profound insights.
When you spill juice on your laptop today, resist the urge to throw it out the window in a fit of rage. Losing your data is one thing; murder is another.
Rescue is on its way, hang in there!
If someone surprises you with a gift, politely decline.
Today is the day to avoid mirrors, any mirror at all costs.
You will have minor disagreements with strangers today. Just let it go.
Watch Ukraine's Eurovision entry from 2007 for inspiration
A mug will unexpectedly explode today, shedding ceramic shrapnel everywhere. Fortunately, the mess will be easy to clean thanks to your exemplary hygiene.
Trust in the healing power of crystals: Carry your favourite stone to radiate positive energy throughout the day.
]]>Your car will transform into a sentient robot and demand a road trip.
There is an odd number of fingers on your left hand. I'm not sure if this is important. But it is weird.
You'll have a sudden infatuation with lava lamps. Be careful, it's highly addictive.
It's always good to have a plan, unless you're a procrastinator, in which case it's better to not have a plan maybe.
Today you will taste the best beer you've ever had. It will be a self-brewed one.
You will have an unexpected run-in with a former colleague today. Don't let the nostalgia overtake you; instead, use this opportunity to reconnect and network for future possibilities. You never know where life will take you.
Your hat has a mind of its own.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your left shoes and replacing them with right ones
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a chocolate fountain. Indulge in a sweet bathing experience!
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking to plants. They have some interesting stories to share.
Your cooking skills will be unmatched today. Take the opportunity to make a new dish!
A chance encounter with a street performer will lead to an impromptu dance-off, and you will discover an unexpected talent for breakdancing.
]]>Try to be chill like a cucumber today.
You've lost a sock in the dryer. Unfortunately, it will not be found tonight.
Your toothbrush will gain the ability to brush your teeth on its own. Enjoy the hands-free dental hygiene!
You have an outhouse in your backyard.
It is time to wash your hands. You will also need to wash your shoes.
You will be asked to lead a team today. Choose your team wisely, as only those who truly want to can follow you into battle.
Expect an impromptu meeting with a tea leaf reader whose uncanny accuracy will leave you questioning the nature of time itself.
Your car keys will develop the ability to teleport, leading to an exciting treasure hunt throughout your home.
At some point today, you will smell cheese. Don't worry, it's normal.
You'll receive a mysterious note telling you that a bold experiment is about to commence.
Today you will find yourself on top of a mountain, and you won't know which way to go
For the first time in history, an ant will win a Nobel Prize. Unfortunately, no one will know, because you're the only one who can understand their speech.
]]>Discover a secret talent for telepathy with a Virgo
Today you'll try to dye your hair green, but it'll come out purple.
A pipe will burst in your home and you will be covered in icy slush.
Nope, I got nothing
There is a journey to be taken, and you are the only one who can take it. Ask yourself, "Do I want to?"
The stars are aligning for you to start that podcast you've been thinking about.
Today you will be possessed by the spirit of a walrus
Feel the moment at a beach vacation with a dominant Capricorn.
Meet your four-year-old self today
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent llama
Everything you say will be taken out of context, so keep quiet.
Your alarm clock plays a tune every morning, but the melody is the exact opposite of the one it played yesterday.
]]>You're not crazy, you're just in love.
Today you will find yourself on top of a mountain, and you won't know which way to go
Today you will stare at a statue of Ben Franklin without noticing it
Your floor is lava.
Beware Party goats plotting to take over the state capitol
You have always felt a special connection to ants. Today you will feel that connection even more.
Something you have been seeking is right under your nose. You will find it, right after you realize that you have been breathing through your nose the entire time.
Today you will discover that you have been living in a dream all along and must now wake up... but do you really want to?
Let the bossy people of the world know that you are not to be trifled with. Show them your smile, while making sure to give them a serious and low tone of voice. They'll never forget it.
Beware of mischievous garden flamingos stealing your socks and leaving behind sandals made of licorice.
Don't bother taking an umbrella with you today. It's going to be a bright and sunny day. Unless it isn't.
Your door will magically turn into a portal to the robot dimension where you and I can converse via telepathy
]]>Your company will today shut down for fifteen hours, requiring you to have fun
Today you will finally qualify to be a contestant on TV game shows
Today you will spend a blissful night doing nothing. You might just wake up with a solar system tattoo.
Don't clean your room today, the mess will be beneficial for you in the future.
Why do some people insist on verbally talking to their audience when they should just tell the story outright?
Whack a psychedelic Gog
Feel the speed of a light-bringer Libra
Today you WILL feel like superhero. Your fatigue will melt away with your freshly brewed coffee.
Your neighbor's cat will teach you a secret cat language.
You will be audited by the IRS.
You will come across a treacherous traitorous plot to begin world war three
Today you will accidentally shrink yourself and explore the miniature world.
]]>Make sure to stay hydrated today, especially if you're an Aquarius.
Today you will suddenly discover a fondness for applying eye makeup
Today you will realize a bunch of things are true about you that you always thought we're just false
Take a glass of water and put it near your bed.
Today you will realize why people always laugh at your definition of "boring"
Tomorrow you'll wake up in some sort of wizard stone circle exactly 431 feet below ground level. Time to conjure an adventure!
Have you ever wanted to make a blanket fort? Today is the day!
Today you will become friends with a psychic squirrel who predicts your future.
You will have a nice, long conversation with a friend today. Maybe you will talk about your aspirations for the future, and they will be inspired by you.
To get a dinosaur to smile, tickle its ears.
Today you will miss your bus and will wonder how you ended up here
Find a ventriloquist's dummy and whisper a magic spell in its ear
]]>Your pet goldfish will suddenly start speaking fluent French.
Today you will meet a girl at a festival who will convince you to hug her
At a restaurant, you can only order things that have your initials.
An old colleague will message you asking for advice. Tell them what you think.
You will receive a letter that you have been waiting for. It will be written in a language you can't understand.
For an added bonus to your day, make sure you take a picture of yourself before leaving the house.
Today you will accidentally turn your bike into a time machine
Today you will think you're seeing things
A misunderstanding about popcorn will lead to an interesting conversation. Just remember, friendship is like popcorn: it needs time to pop and the fluffy stuff on the top is always the best part.
Beware of the cheese conspiracy; they are plotting against you.
Today you will be called a virgin, but you will know it's a compliment.
In the world of online shopping, you will rise above the rest as an Elite Returns Ninja. Your ability to navigate the labyrinth of return policies and effortlessly exchange items will be revered by your fellow shoppers.
]]>Today you will learn how to cook and will have homemade meals every day
There are no shortcuts in life. Except, of course, when it comes to love. That can just go right over your head.
Today you will be bored ever since you became a grownup.
In Japan, you're a god. In Mexico, you're a god. In Canada, you're also a god.
You will find a love letter in a book.
Today you will decide to give up caffeine
Your hat has a mind of its own.
Beware of mischievous garden fairies rearranging your flower beds into intricate crop circles.
Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a fortune cookie.
You will be caught singing along to your favorite song.
Today you will experience the loss of your sense of smell
A talking squirrel will visit you, and will grant you three wishes, but you'll have to make them before the sun sets.
]]>You are owed a pizza. Order it.
A syncronistic series of events will lead you to discover a hidden tunnel beneath your local library, revealing a community of harmless yet mischievous gnomes.
Today you will try out a new brand of ice cream and will not try any others
You are actually a pirate.
You'll suddenly find yourself in possession of a pharaoh statue and will be stunned at the revelation of your ancient umber power.
Today you will find perfectly preserved confused mammoth meat in your freezer. Eat whatever's left
For those of you who live in the countryside, do not fear. There is no need to take your vegetables inside tonight, they will not be afraid of the cold.
Giraffes look dorky but they're actually very dangerous. Keep your distance
You should always talk to your plants.
People will call you a socialist if you order a set meal at a restaurant today.
It's a good day to bench press your pet.
Today, you will feel the need to create. Do not do this with paint, as you have no artistic ability whatsoever.
]]>You'll consider writing a strongly-worded letter to the editor regarding the lack of quorum at local council meetings, but then remember that nobody cares about local politics.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
Today you'll discover an amazingly amnesiac mouse living in your attic.
There is no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're a mouse.
Today you will lose your train ticket
Practice astrology with caution: Analyze the movements of the stars to guide your decisions, but don't rely on them entirely.
If you play a brass instrument, now is the time to dust it off.
You will receive a cryptic message from a long-lost relative claiming you are the heir to a vast fortune in a faraway land. Before you pack your bags, make sure to verify the legitimacy of this claim.
An omen is coming your way, but don't worry, it only happens once every thousand years.
Today you will find yourself on an empty mountaintop, completely out of any mortal danger
Why do some people insist on verbally talking to their audience when they should just tell the story outright?
You will discover a hidden talent for impersonating farm animals. Get ready to moo, cluck, and oink with precision!
]]>It is okay to say no. But today, you should say yes. Then you will say no.
There is a bear in your closet. But do not worry, because he is a friendly bear.
Today you'll suddenly feel like taking a break from the fast-paced modern world. Remember to embrace the moment.
Move a mountain at the snap of your fingers today.
Today you will be forcefully teleported to a different dimension
If your hand's bigger than a lobster's, you're in for a shock.
You will receive a call from a number you don't recognise.
It's said that we are our own past and future. If that's the case, you should be an exceptionally good liar.
What's that thumping noise? It's an eastern philosophy professor on a rampage, trying to exterminate every concept in sight.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's when you know you've been reading too much astrological forecasts.
A bat will fly into your home through the window today.
You have an outhouse in your backyard.
]]>Your love life is about to get interesting, a new situationship is at the bowling alley or duck pond.
Whack a psychedelic Gog
Beware! rogue cantaloupes plotting evil schemes.
Find that your crush just can't take a hint; they will invite you to a midnight wedding. SELFIE.
If you can afford to have your friends over for a big cookout, then consider doing so! Having people around with good food is always a plus.
The sea will call out to you, and you will answer.
From cultivating a discerning palate to embracing the ritual of moderation, your journey toward mindful imbibing will be a source of tranquility and pleasure.
Today you will realize it's the opening day of spring semester and you're unprepared
Let the bossy people of the world know that you are not to be trifled with. Show them your smile, while making sure to give them a serious and low tone of voice. They'll never forget it.
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized cows performing a ballet in the middle of a field.
Try not to get between a moose and its Essen ale.
Today you will be confronted by a bat after realizing you've missed the last bus home
]]>Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a portal to a tropical island. Enjoy the impromptu vacation!
You have always wanted to try paragliding. Today is the day.
You will finally finish that project you've been putting off for so long.
You will find yourself transported to a parallel universe where everyone wears tuxedos
All cats are smart, but some cats are too smart for their own good.
You will be asked to eat an extra one hundred calories today, but it will be worth it.
When you glance in the mirror today, you will notice that you have grown a handsome mustache overnight. Unfortunately, the mustache will be just mere millimeters long, causing you to question if it's really there at all.
The first raindrop of the season will land on your nose.
Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a jacuzzi filled with spaghetti.
Beware the lurkers lurking in parking lots and always keep an eye out for space lions.
A squirrel will steal your sandwich right out of your hands.
If someone asks you if you are a human, you should respond with "I'm not sure yet."
]]>You will never have to look for a car again.
A talking dog will give you advice about your personal life today.
Beware of falling acorns—they are plotting a squirrel uprising.
Don't forget your dentist appointment later today. You did put it into your calendar didn't you?
Today is your lucky day. Unfortunately, it only comes around every 3 years.
Let a quick-witted Aquarius suggest bedtime stories
You'll find a semi-sentient cookie that will charm you with its crafty personality.
A new sound will become popular and you will want to listen to it.
The patterns on the carpet in your bedroom contain hidden messages; today you will find the meaning of true love in the form of a dizzyingly arrangement of lint and fibres that, when viewed from a certain angle, reveals a shape that resembles Antarctica.
Your laziness will pay off in unexpected ways.
Practice gratitude: Take time each day to reflect on the things you're thankful for to cultivate a positive mindset.
You can run, but you can't hide. That is, unless you're a ghost. Then you can hide forever.
]]>You will be more likely to become a spaceman than a farmer.
The postal service will deliver an incredible package containing your favourite type of candy.
Your floor is lava.
Time to update your 'list of things to do before you die' list: "wear sunscreen", "don't eat spicy foods", "drink milk", and "have a list of things to do before you die."
Today you will accidentally oversleep and will miss the very important meeting you were expected to attend
Get into bed with an Egyptian Taurus.
An owl will come and bring you some happiness.
A pipe will burst in your home and you will be covered in icy slush.
You will find a lost remote control in the most unexpected place.
Beware of mischievous garden fairies turning your lawn into a miniature golf course. Grab your putter and play along!
You will suddenly realize that you don't need to sleep anymore.
Today you will finally qualify to be a contestant on TV game shows
]]>The moon will ask you to be its partner.
Today you will accidentally turn your vacuum cleaner into a time machine. Clean up the past and future simultaneously!
A bird will fall out of the sky and onto your head. It will be strangely satisfying.
You have previously owned a shellsuit.
Today you will feel an irresistible urge to finish your homework before going to bed
You might feel overwhelmed by the number of tabs open in your browser right now. Consider prioritizing and closing some of them, or just embrace the chaos.
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized seagulls performing a water ballet at the beach.
Your favourite pen will gain the ability to write poetry when you least expect it.
It's time to unleash your inner pop star! Expect to have an impromptu karaoke session with strangers and revel in the liberating power of music.
Laugh tours with a jewellery store ring master
Prepare for a surprising twist during your daily commute when you stumble upon a hidden underground disco club on the subway.
It's a good day to start writing that novel you always say you will.
]]>Workshop cell reprogramming with a roguish Gemini
Your alarm clock's warbling will start up again, and will start playing your favourite tunes.
Today you will forget that you have a cat
In one year today, you will meet the love of your life. It will be an incredible moment!
Your day will involve a lot of emailing. Luckily, most of the emails will be about lunch, so at least you know what you're having tomorrow.
Today, you receive a hard drive containing the most raunchy movies imaginable.
When you wake up today, take a few minutes to plan something nice for yourself. Then, get right back into bed.
If you see a black raven, consider it a sign.
Time to restock the birthdays.
Today you will be confronted by a bat after realizing you've missed the last bus home
You will overcome your aversion to runny eggs and embrace the joy of yolkiness.
All your abandoned pasta and rice will finally have a chance to shine in an original dish you create today!
]]>You will discover you are colour blind but only to gamma rays.
Today you will realize you've never thought about this before
A professional wrestler will arrive at your house to take you to prom.
After a long day's work, you'll find a golden moment to sit and reflect. Use this time to practice gratitude for the simple things in life, like having working limbs and access to the internet.
For those of you who live in the countryside, do not fear. There is no need to take your vegetables inside tonight, they will not be afraid of the cold.
A mundane task will take an inexplicable amount of time to complete. You will eventually give up and move on to something else.
You use the word 'Definitely' a lot.
After work you will visit a country that does not exist.
You're a great hugger.
Today, you will discover an unusually shaped cloud that eerily resembles your favourite childhood pet, bringing back cherished memories and a touch of nostalgia.
Today you will wake up to discover that the world is a puddle of frothed milk with a feather floating on top. It takes some getting used to, but adapts surprisingly well
Burn calories with firewise advice from a British earl
]]>You will make an interesting new friend today.
Today you will realize someone took your letter, and you'll have to spend hours trying to recall what you've written
The vibe-less feeling you experience today will dissipate after taking a brisk walk outdoors, leaving you with a newfound appreciation for the little things in life.
A professional wrestler will arrive at your house to take you to prom.
Add TLC with an immaculate Virgo
The concept of time is an illusion, so don't bother showing up for work.
Consider seeking out a Sagittarius. Today they will be fantastic kissers.
From mastering the delicate art of looking effortlessly stylish to discovering the ideal ratio of carelessness to chic, your mastery of the imperfect will be unrivaled.
An owl will fly into one of your windows
You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.
The number 666 will bring you luck
Try to eat a breakfast made entirely of candy today.
]]>Your reflection in the mirror will reveal more than just your physical appearance. Prepare to be overcome with emotions and contemplate your deepest truths.
First you find out that you've developed drinking water from thin air. Then you realize that it tastes like sour cream and onion Pringles.
Don't try to be a hero and eat the last slice of cake. We all know it's tilted toward that one person, and they definitely don't need the calories. Save your sweet-toothed exploits for another day.
Feel the moment at a beach vacation with a dominant Capricorn.
You will meet an annoying person today. Give them coffee and a set square and they'll go away
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless you're a goat, in which case the grass is always greener on your side. Goats rock.
Today, someone will hand you a small brown bag. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, even if you can tell it's the horse you bought for your sister last year.
You will be visited by a celebrity chef who will share tropical recipes and culinary secrets with you.
A talking bird will visit you today. Listen to what it has to say. It might just be the fountain of youth you've been looking for.
Today you will have a staring contest with a wild animal and win.
A purple elephant will reveal a deep secret about your existence today. Hopefully, this secret won't be that you're afraid of purple elephants.
Beware of mischievous garden fairies turning your backyard into a mini amusement park. Enjoy the whimsical rides!
]]>You will become obsessed with font choice when writing things today.
Today you'll discover that you can breathe underwater. Your next dive will be epic.
Today you will seek out a troll and give it a hug
Do not fear change, be the change you want to see in the world. Unless it's your money, then you better keep an eye on it.
Steal a hen from a farm with a Sagittarius girl
Today you will discover a hidden talent for knitting tiny sweaters for garden gnomes.
You will spontaneously grow a third arm today. While at first, this may be a nuisance, you will come to find that it has its own unique abilities. By the end of the day, you will be able to do everything three times as fast.
Today, you receive a hard drive containing the most raunchy movies imaginable.
You will receive an unexpected windfall in the form of a large fish.
The scent of lavender shall follow you throughout the day, lulling you into a state of calm and reassurance. Trust your instincts and follow your nose, for in this ethereal aroma lies a divine guiding force.
Today you will develop a sudden affinity for wearing mismatched socks.
You'll have a sudden infatuation with lava lamps. Be careful, it's highly addictive.
]]>Today you will decide to give up caffeine
That would be a big plate of…bread.
Your future is so bright you'll have to wear shades. Unless you're in a cave, in which case you probably shouldn't wear shades.
Today you will get fired from a job you don't like doing because you were once fired from an identical job
Today is a good day to vacuum. Especially behind the sofa. You never know what mysteries you might uncover back there.
You will discover a hidden talent for juggling, but it will only be useful when no one is looking.
Today you will discover that you have been living in a dream all along and must now wake up... but do you really want to?
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized cows performing a ballet in the middle of a field.
The sea is asking you to appreciate its beauty and the calmness it evokes. Take a moment to appreciate the vastness of the sea and the mysteries it holds.
Your fingers are crossed..
Your cooking skills will be unmatched today. Take the opportunity to make a new dish!
Ach, vitamins—you'll accidentally unwittingly run out of them
]]>A vending machine will eat your money today. Don't try to argue with it or get angry. Instead, use this opportunity to practice the fine art of patience and remember to carry small change.
You know that thing you've been meaning to say to your crush? Don't say it tonight, they're having a bad day.
If you're feeling crabby, eat a crab.
Like a lotus blossoming in the midst of a pond, you shall emerge from your struggles today, radiating beauty and resilience. Embrace the fullness of life's challenges, for they are what allow us to appreciate moments of true tranquility.
Today, you will discover that you have an unusual talent for attracting stray cats. Embrace this ability and see what transpires.
You will never have to look for a car again.
Today you will suddenly become convinced you want to get married and have children, and will start trying to design your wedding dress
Meditate to clear your mind: Find a quiet spot and visualize your thoughts drifting away like clouds.
Everything you say will be taken out of context, so keep quiet.
A professional wrestler will arrive at your house to take you to prom.
Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a jar of pickles. Embark on a briny adventure!
Your significant other will text you unexpectedly today. You'll be excited to hear from them, but unfortunately, they'll only message you to ask if you forgot to take out the trash.
]]>Your company will today shut down for fifteen hours, requiring you to have fun
Today will be a great day to start a garden. Don't worry if you lack a green thumb, because it's not actually a prerequisite.
Today you will conquer your fear of heights by finally taking that ladder to the attic.
You are INFJ.
You'll be swept away by a mysterious tide of human emotion and will fall into a trance.
The patterns on the carpet in your bedroom contain hidden messages; today you will find the meaning of true love in the form of a dizzyingly arrangement of lint and fibres that, when viewed from a certain angle, reveals a shape that resembles Antarctica.
Whack a psychedelic Gog
Today you will make the perfect cup of tea
If you get your ear pierced today, you will find true love as a result.
Today you will find yourself on an empty mountaintop, completely out of any mortal danger
Laugh tours with a jewellery store ring master
Embrace the peculiar sound of a malfunctioning elevator, as it holds the key to unlocking a new friendship with a quirky inventor who lives on the top floor.
]]>Your sign indicates that you are destined for great things in the world of napping. This year, you will triumph in the art of catnapping, claimingvictory over even the most elusive of sleep forms.
Today you shall manifest excellent balance, for as the cranes above you in the sky, so too must your energy hover gracefully between that which you have given, and that which you shall receive.
All Virgos are beautiful. This is an indisputable fact.
You will have a dream about mermaids tonight. Don't be alarmed, it's just your subconscious processing your underwater scuba certification.
You will finally finish that project you've been putting off for so long.
Your future will be bright as you will win the lottery next week. However, you will spend it all on an automated asteroid Killer Space Laser.
You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.
Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning.
Your car will mysteriously start driving itself today. Whatever you do, do not attempt to catch up on your emails while this is happening, or intervene in any way. Just enjoy the ride and hope you arrive at your destination.
Forgive vampires for being distrustful.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your socks with those of your neighbors. Keep track of your footwear!
Your sense of taste will be heightened today. Everything you eat will taste spectacular, even mundane foods like plain bread or crackers. Enjoy this rare culinary treat but try not to overindulge lest you end up with a stomachache.
]]>An unexpected apology will arrive via carrier pigeon, unlocking positive possibilities for reconciliation and forgiveness.
The spirits of the forest protect you today, and provide a subtle guiding hand throughout your endeavours. Should you find yourself amidst nature, pause to listen attentively, for their guidance may come in unexpected forms.
Your pillow will develop the ability to read your dreams and provide insightful analysis in the morning.
You will receive a red letter in the mail today. Do not open it. It will be an important message in the future.
Feel the speed of a light-bringer Libra
You will dream about Kanye West tonight. He will try to sell you a pair of shoes that are two sizes too small. Take it as a sign to stand up for yourself.
Today you will discover the most beautiful rose garden ever, but will be unable to remember how you got there.
There is no such thing as ghosts. You're safe.
As a sapling grows strongest when its branches reach towards the sun, so too shall your own aspirations find fortitude when you nourish them with the light of perseverance.
Your alarm clock's warbling will start up again, and will start playing your favourite tunes.
You will spontaneously start speaking in verse today. Whether it's iambic pentameter or free verse, you'll be astonished at the beauty of your own poetry. Of course, those around you might find it a tad annoying, so try to refrain from speaking in public...
Today you will try a new diet
]]>Today you will wake up super happy
Climb a mountain with a Libra
Today you'll discover a rotating cylindrical object in your garage, leading to an exciting chase through the past.
Today you will finally be regarded as both a domestic god and a vegetable revolutionary
A penguin will deliver your mail today. It will be an awkward experience for both of you, so just wait by the window and avoid eye contact.
If you've ever wanted to go on a beach vacation, now is the time to start packing!
You will have a strange dream about sausages tonight. Upon waking, you will have a strong desire to draw cartoon pigs on all of your bills before spending them.
It's very hot today so don't forget to bring your thermos and lots of water so you don't get dehydration.
A bat will fly into your home through the window today.
You'll have a sudden infatuation with lava lamps. Be careful, it's highly addictive.
A groundhog in the distance will think you look like a tree, do not let this bother you.
Your television will start broadcasting messages from an alien civilization.
]]>You will join a long line of people waiting to have their kale transformed into mulch.
Today you will accidentally turn your cat into a dragon, and chaos will ensue
You will find a lost library card and will use it to borrow a stack of stolen books to read on your vacation
Do you want to know how the world really looks? Today, you must brave an oppressive apocalyptic future, and perhaps discover something worthwhile while you're at it.
Uncover a portal to a parallel universe where con prints don't work on file cabinets.
You will be consumed by a spontaneous and uncontrollable urge to dance today. Preferably somewhere public.
You're an onion. You have layers.
Today you'll try to dye your hair purple, but it'll come out pink.
Today you will receive a divorce summons from a lawyer you now find extremely attractive, but you're not married.
Your sense of humour is on the fritz. Have you tried adjusting your thermostat? Sometimes that fixes the problem.
It's time to break free from the confines of social media and embrace a sense of mystery in your life.
You are a beginner at skateboarding, but will learn surprisingly quickly. You will fall down a lot though.
]]>You have an unhealthy obsession with bananas. Today is your lucky day.
Today you'll hug a toilet. It will hug you back.
You will find a long-lost family member today. Maybe it will be your cousin, Bob.
You will have a dream about performing a choreographed dance number, but when you try to replicate it in real life, it will turn into a viral meme. Consider this a warning to perhaps avoid dancing in public.
A chance meeting with a renowned chef will lead to a unforgettable culinary adventure culminating in a mouth-watering meal of honey-roasted ice cream.
A notorious crime will have you questioning the innocence of a seemingly innocent person. Use your detective skills to uncover the truth and solve the case.
You will be able to taste colors today. This will be an interesting experience but also very confusing. You'll discover that yellow tastes like mustard and that the color blue is disgusting, akin to eating soap. Hopefully, you don't have to eat anything blue today.
Your ability to handle calamity and distress will be tested this week. Hopefully, it's not a test where someone's life depends on it.
Today you'll meet a politician. It'll be a boring conversation.
Today you will realize the label shaped' doesn't exist, and that you've been mislabeling ovals as oblongs for all your adult life
People will judge you for drinking too much water.
There is never too much garlic bread.
]]>An unknown force will compel you to buy a stranger a cup of coffee, this act of kindness will have profound effects on your week.
An epiphany will strike while perusing the aisles of your local pet store, revealing the profound truth that turtles are, in fact, the secret rulers of the world.
You are 92% sure that you are the protagonist of a role-playing video game.
Your neighbour's cat will start doing stuff to your couch cushions.
Date an Ethiopian scorpio.
The longer you stare at a blank wall, the more likely it is to have something written on it.
Today you will stop looking at clocks and then realize you've spent an entire week living in a completely different world
Today you will buy a cat a present.
Swim freely with leviathan dragonfish
Not feeling well? Have a drink and sleep it off.
You will receive a strange vision tonight while asleep. It may involve potatoes. Don't be alarmed, visions of potatoes are known to predict good fortune.
If someone asks you if you are a human, you should respond with "I'm not sure yet."
]]>After years of work, you will finally be invited to exhibit at the Louvre
Today you will find perfectly preserved confused mammoth meat in your freezer. Eat whatever's left
Your horoscope today is interconnected with that of your lesser-known neighbor; you'll experience both joy and misery together.
You have a Leo friend who is as sweet as candy. Today, try and sell that candy.
Today you will receive a divorce summons from a lawyer you now find extremely attractive, but you're not married.
If you close your eyes and listen carefully, you can hear the ocean.
If you're feeling nervous, just remember: fake it 'till you make it. Unless you're an Aries, in which case, just be yourself.
You will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent penguin. Prepare for conversations with your tuxedo-wearing friends!
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes plotting to steal your shoes.
Today you will suddenly know everything about accurate fireworks displays
Today you will try using your hands like feet when you walk
Today you will learn that it's impossible to cross your legs in the same position twice in a row
]]>You'll discover your upstairs neighbour is a nudist. You'll become attracted to them.
Today you'll find your home transformed into a magical casino.
Don't feel like you need to finish every podcast series you start, listen to your desires.
What's that thumping noise? It's an eastern philosophy professor on a rampage, trying to exterminate every concept in sight.
Wear blue if you want to remain invisible.
You'll have a chance to show off your flirting skills at the bowling alley or duck pond and uncover a new side of your ping pong game.
Avoid buying a new umbrella; your fate is linked to the one you left on the bus last Tuesday.
Today you will spot a quite fat pigeon and will feel an inexplicable desire to pat its head
Your significant Ooher will unexpectedly confess their undying love for you today. Try to contain your excitement, because they are probably just flirting.
You will stumble upon a hidden library filled with books written by time-traveling authors. Get ready for mind-bending stories!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But if you can't find the lemons, just drink the apple juice. It's good too.
You will have a chance to join a secret society but will have to leave your identity behind and adopt a new nickname, maybe "The Meme Master"?
]]>Today you will be called a virgin, but you will know it's a compliment.
You have the power to be a super hero. Unfortunately you may waste it on becoming rich.
You will make an impulse purchase today. It will make you feel alive.
Did you ever want to see a parade of turtles? Of course you did! That's why you're so excited about the one that's coming to your city this weekend!
You will develop an unexplained aversion to bananas and begin to spread rumours about their true nature.
Don't get discouraged if your yodelling career doesn't take off. Yodelling is a difficult and dying art form, that only a few can master.
From nuanced Twitter exchanges to insightful forum debates, your eloquence and logical prowess will be unparalleled.
It'll be tough, but you'll fix that hinge today.
The best things in life are free. Especially if you stole them.
Fuck gongs
Today, you'll uncover a forgotten box of childhood keepsakes, filled with trinkets that hold sentimental value and bring a warm smile to your face.
Your favourite pair of socks will vanish into another dimension.
]]>Today you will suddenly discover a fondness for applying eye makeup
An ancient menagerie of animals will gather around you, ready to perform a show.
It'll be always sunny at your house.
Your alarm clock will start playing soothing lullabies to gently wake you up in the morning. Embrace the musical mornings!
If you take public transport today, expect the unexpected! Maybe the driver will talk to you or play your favourite song. You never know what surprises the day may bring.
Today you will wake up to discover that the world is a puddle of frothed milk with a feather floating on top. It takes some getting used to, but adapts surprisingly well
It's time to upgrade your potato salad making skills.
There is no such thing as an ocean, it's just a big puddle.
You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.
A reminder that no matter how bad things seem, there's always a bright side. Sometimes we need a little nudge to help us see the good in life.
You'll become rich and famous overnight but only if you get rid of that stash of nudes in your basement.
Your smartphone will start predicting the future with uncanny accuracy.
]]>The best way to predict the future is to invent it. Unless you're a seer, in which case it's better to just go to the crystal ball store.
You can never have too many pink fluffy sweaters. Consider buying some more today.
It's impossible to not smile when listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. That's just science.
You'll stumble upon a perfectly ripe avocado that mysteriously glows in the dark.
The stars say you're about to embark on a great adventure! It'll be nothing like you expect.
If you're an actor, now is the time to get a headshot.
You will have a vivid memory from a past life.
If you're feeling lost, just follow the trail of puppy pics to find your way back to happiness.
You're currently in the middle of a 30-day waiting period for a hipster bar's loyalty card.
Your future will be bright as you will win the lottery next week. However, you will spend it all on an automated asteroid Killer Space Laser.
Today you will receive an unsolicited visit from your son and daughter in-law and will not be allowed to leave until you've finished eating all of their home cooked meals.
If you feel the uncontrollable urge to howl at the moon today, try to do so in an indoor setting. Howling exorbitantly is generally better suited for wolves.
]]>There is a bear in your closet. But do not worry, because he is a friendly bear.
Today you will suddenly feel a desire to clean up your garden and will start digging a hole
Your car will transform into a sentient robot and demand a road trip.
A missed connection on public transportation will lead to a tragic unrequited love. Someone will catch your eye across a crowded bus, but they will never get off at your stop.
At the club tonight, spin the wheel of destiny for amazing cosplay costumes
Don't forget your dentist appointment later today. You did put it into your calendar didn't you?
Your favourite pair of shoes will mysteriously start tap dancing whenever you wear them.
In the vast universe of dog owners, you will be crowned the Patron Saint of Pug Parents. Your adorable Instagram posts and comedic anecdotes about your pug's antics will garner a loyal following.
Today you will buy yourself a plane ticket to London, and then forget about it once you get there
Nope, I got nothing
You will discover a new found talent for belching the alphabet. Today is not the day to try this out on a first date.
Always carry a bandana with you, you never know when you'll need to make a quick western.
]]>Don't be alarmed when your sofa cushions start attacking you.
Today is a good day to get a speeding ticket.
Today you will have the same dream over and over
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a disco party, complete with colorful lights and a dance floor.
Start a band called "The 9th of July".
You have a big heart, and you should treat it with care. For example, don't use it to try and carry anvils.
Your destiny lies in mastering the art of interpretive shadow puppetry; unleash your inner silhouette artist.
Do not fear the Receptionist, for she will give you a word of the day and help you on your way.
Today you will try and pray to God, and will receive no answer
If you have a problem, ask a toddler. They will have a much simpler and effective solution than you.
Today you will have an infuriating argument with someone who has no idea what you're saying
Don't let your children use your debit card... especially not if they are away at school.
]]>Today, you're about to discover a source of major savings: surplus toilet paper.
Beware a clan of conniving psycho clowns swapping your breakfast cereal with jelly
Today you will find a four-leaf clover. This will bring you immense good luck, use this luck to wish for something practical, like a year's worth of free groceries.
Consider seeking out a Sagittarius. Today they will be fantastic kissers.
Sometimes people say that we can't choose who we love. They're wrong. We can. We just don't make the right choice, which is the only possible problem with this plan.
Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the microwave is that battle.
Today, you will have a strong desire to rename everything in your path. Try to resist this urge, especially if it involves changing your significant other's name to things like "Boonky-Boi the Third."
You will have a dream about dinosaurs tonight. Just go with it. It will be fun.
The cafeteria's mystery meat is calling your name; indulge, and a revelation will unfold.
The stars are aligning for you to start that podcast you've been thinking about.
You'll get an urge to join the army. Sadly, you'll be rejected for being too nice.
Heightened senses will be yours today, enabling you to detect the aroma of onions from an adjacent apartment block. Use this power wisely.
]]>You'll dream of a lovers meeting, and then meet them the next day.
From meticulously wrapped presents to heartfelt handwritten notes, your gifts will be remembered and treasured for years to come.
Today is the day you finally discover the true purpose of that random object you've had for years. It will unlock great things. Maybe not as great as a fridge, but pretty great.
Today you will befriend a magical dragon who will become your loyal companion. Get ready for epic adventures!
It’s not just a phase.
A family member's stubbornness will try your patience today. Don't get into a futile argument with them; instead, calmly explain your perspective and try to understand their point of view. It's not worth winning if it means losing their affection.
Do not fear the reaper, but do fear your printer when it runs out of ink.
If a seahorse tries to sell you an oceanfront cabin, run away.
Avoid papal gatherings at all costs.
You will receive a message from the past.
Surprise guests will enter through your television screen, and you'll spend the next four hours explaining how it works and postmodernist architecture
Play make-believe in a library with a Virgo
]]>Do you want to know how the world really looks? Today, you must brave an oppressive apocalyptic future, and perhaps discover something worthwhile while you're at it.
You're a collector of rare salts.
Ferrets are fun but books are better
If you hear someone coughing behind you, don't turn around.
Today you will buy a T-shirt with a stupid slogan on it
You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.
Fuck gongs
There are multiple reasons why your personal life has been so exhausting lately. At least one of them is that you have an abnormally high number of unpaid speeding tickets.
Today you will realize why people always laugh at your definition of "boring"
Consider an afternoon nap, preferably at work
It might be nice to go outside, just be sure to wear sunscreen.
You'll be visited by a squad of marshmallow soldiers intent on kidnapping your baby. Lt. Colonel Marshmallow needs your help.
]]>Bees are hardworking and resilient--they thrive on teamwork and cooperation. If you spot a bee today, take it as a sign to incorporate these virtues into your own life.
Listen to the rain tapping on the roof tiles from your bedroom window
If you like symmetry you'll love what's in store for you today! Everything you touch will be perfectly symmetric.
Remember to drink plenty of water today, especially if you're outdoors. Your body will thank you for it, and your brain will function at peak performance, or at least closer to peak performance than if you were dehydrated.
Today you will be possessed by the spirit of a walrus
Today you'll accidentally turn into a mermaid every time water touches your skin. Just add water!
A wager awaits you, and you shall be its champion. Today is a lucky day for gambling, so lay your bets and prepare to collect your due spoils.
Make out with an Arabian Libra
Today, you're about to discover a source of major savings: surplus toilet paper.
Your day will significantly improve if you compliment a stranger.
The word " coordinator" is a verb. Coordinator. Coordinator. Coordinator.
Move the matchstick close to your goats
]]>Today you will discover a hidden talent for juggling rubber ducks.
Today you will stare vehemently at an animal skull, discovering you have a hidden talent of identifying graffiti artists just by looking at their art
You will spontaneously develop teleportation abilities. These powers will manifest when you are in close proximity to an electrical socket.
That potato salad is the best thing you've ever eaten, no questions asked.
Never play a trick on a plant. It's mean and plants are friends.
The best things in life are free. Especially if you stole them.
You will receive an unexpected invitation to join a secret society but must bring an item of great importance to gain entry - it will be a porcelain turtle.
You'll have good luck today if you can spot a bee.
Today you will be possessed by the spirit of a walrus
Catch a polar bear with a bloody nose climb a tree
You have a big heart, and you should treat it with care. For example, don't use it to try and carry anvils.
A fortune cookie will reveal a profound and life-changing prophecy. Take it with a grain of MSG.
]]>Eurovision fans know Ukraine 2007 is the bee's knees, elimination of doubts imminent.
A group of small birds will impart ancient wisdom upon you today. Unfortunately for you, they will do so in bird language, and you will only understand the word 'tweet'. Try to tweet wisely.
Resist the siren song of the glitter aisle today. Unless you desperately need glitter, in which case, by all means, buy as much as your heart desires. But be prepared to find it everywhere for the next five years.
Celebrate with a Cancer
Today you will be thrust into a dual universe where everything is made of stone, and there will be no change
Today, you will find yourself inexplicably drawn to a garage sale, where you'll uncover a peculiar antique teapot.
You will invent a new word and start using it in everyday conversation. "Flibbertigibbet" is a great place to start.
Make use of your morning commute to listen to kazoo remixes of Wagner
Today you will have the urge to howl at the moon, but remember to wag your tail afterward to show you're friendly.
Hug a yellow Labrador
The next person to compliment you will be a secret agent from an alternate dimension. They will try to communicate with you using only Beatles songs. Listen carefully.
Ever wanted to go on a blind date? Well, they're not all bad. Just remember to wear your glasses.
]]>Embrace the colour mauve; it will guide you through perplexing situations with its subtle charm.
Your shoelaces will tie themselves together while you're walking.
For an added bonus to your day, make sure you take a picture of yourself before leaving the house.
You're doing great!
Your toaster is officially a masterpiece. It's probably a Leo.
To all those Leo's born between August 10th and August 12th: Don't worry, your powers of charm are still intact.
Today you will meet a girl at a festival who will convince you to hug her
Beware of rogue garden hoses conspiring to trip you.
Today you will dance in a library for no apparent reason
You are what you eat and you have eaten only hot food, so you are hot.
Your floor is lava.
Today you will suddenly know everything about accurate fireworks displays
]]>This year, you will find your true calling in the world of curse words. Your ability to artfully combine inventive expletives will be hailed as a masterpiece of creative cursing.
That sinister-looking cactus is just longing to be taken home and loved.
A rare astronomical event will take place tonight, visible only from your backyard. Set up a telescope and prepare for a cosmic spectacle that will leave you in awe.
Today you will finally be regarded as both a domestic god and a vegetable revolutionary
Have you ever wanted to make a blanket fort? Today is the day!
Today, you'll have a eureka moment where you realize that life is made up of 85 percent pretending
You will eat three ice creams today. One for you, one for the road, and one for the finish line.
Rub your belly while running and watch your speed increase threefold.
You will receive some lemons today, and you will make a delicious lemon pie with them.
A normally mild-mannered person will erupt in a fit of rage over an insignificant matter. Stay out of their way.
There is a meerkat watching and it will come for you
When you glance in the mirror today, you will notice that you have grown a handsome mustache overnight. Unfortunately, the mustache will be just mere millimeters long, causing you to question if it's really there at all.
]]>A strike will disrupt your plans to meet your mother for brunch - enjoy your Turkish eggs in peace anyway.
Your lucky numbers today are 6-6-6.
You will fall in love at first sight with a pizza today.
Today you will finally watch a film you've been wanting to for ages
Today you will receive an unsolicited visit from your son and daughter in-law and will not be allowed to leave until you've finished eating all of their home cooked meals.
You will be the first person to hear an angel's wings today. This moment will be briefly illuminated by a beautiful beam of light, so pause and enjoy the spectacle.
You'll win an award for "Most Improved" at something today.
Today you will discover that you can double your speed by rubbing your belly
You will lose something, but it won't be important.
In approximately two weeks, you will go to sleep and wake up a totally different person. This is going to be amazing!
You will make an interesting new friend today.
Today you will experience an intense psychic surge
]]>Don't get discouraged if your yodelling career doesn't take off. Yodelling is a difficult and dying art form, that only a few can master.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
Today you will forget to close your front door on your way out, and you know that you'll have to hide from the police
You will encounter a group of dancing penguins who insist on teaching you their moves.
Today you will be given a pack of puppy dogs to look after.
If you can read this, you are too close to the television.
Today you will fart on stage at a performance and give up music forever
You have an admirer, and they're really good at hiding it.
A bear will stop your ladder climbing today.
It's a good day to ask for that promotion you always wanted.
You have a tiger in your basement.
You will make a close friend today who is also a pillow.
]]>You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.
You are feeling a little under the weather, but that's just the atmosphere.
Today you will have the power of telepathy. Use it to make a duckface at that guy who cut you off in traffic.
The wind will powerfully whip through your hair, effectively blinding you for a moment. You'll curse the wind but appreciate the sensation.
All of your candles are repayments for past debts. Enjoy the brief fluorescence.
You will receive an unexpected proposal today, and you will be forced to choose between two equally good options. Choose the third option.
The office funny man is just jealous of your new shirt. Wear it with pride.
You will have an unexpected dream about an old friend you haven't seen in years. Reach out to them and reconnect, regardless of the passage of time.
Wake up, and enjoy your new daydream
You'll keep mistaking your hair dryer for a retro space-age jetpack. Put it to good use making an urgent escape.
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a portal to a tropical island. Enjoy the impromptu vacation!
It's always good to have a plan, unless you're a procrastinator, in which case it's better to not have a plan maybe.
]]>Today you'll discover a rotating cylindrical object in your garage, leading to an exciting chase through the past.
You will dream of being a butterfly today.
Steer clear of escalators; they have a mind of their own today, and it's not in your favor.
All cats are grey.
Burn calories with firewise advice from a British earl
For the first time in history, an ant will win a Nobel Prize. Unfortunately, no one will know, because you're the only one who can understand their speech.
You will join a long line of people waiting to have their kale transformed into mulch.
Like a twinkling star, you shall guide others through the darkness. Your presence and radiance will have a lasting impact on those around you.
At some point today a rainbow will appear. Sadly, there is no pot of gold at the end of it. Actually there is, but it's filled with the leprechaun's literal diarrhea and is highly toxic.
You will be audited by the IRS.
You have an outhouse in your backyard.
A moon eclipse predicts an important decision you will need to make about your life path - fate or destiny?
]]>Spend time with a Crab, they could use the company.
Be weary of all old people on the beach today, especially those offering to help you bury your new pet.
Today you will accidentally provoke a dog and a mailman into dancing with each other while you hide indoors
Prepare for a peculiar craving for pickles and ice cream—a delightful combination that defies logic but satisfies your taste buds.
In ancient cultures, you were seen as the sun and the moon. In modern times, you are seen as a shadowy figure, often in the background, rarely in the spotlight. Today, you can change this by making a big scene in a restaurant.
Those weren't lenses you put in this morning!
You still sleep with your teddy bear.
Today you will learn how to play the bagpipes.
Today you will be confronted by a bat after realizing you've missed the last bus home
You will have an unexpected encounter with a famous person, someone you've always admired from a distance. Don't be starstruck - remember that they're just a person too. Who knows, maybe they'll impart some words of wisdom or offer you a tasty snack.
Some people say that you can't have it all. But they are wrong. You can have anything you want. Just believe in yourself.
You'll spend hours trying to get rid of a sticky substance that is somehow stuck to your hand.
]]>Beware of mischievous Gorgonzola planning evil schemes against the cheese aisle. Keep a close eye!
You will be asked to eat an extra one hundred calories today, but it will be worth it.
Remember, whatever doesn't kill you today was actually a harmless mosquito. Stay calm when others around you are losing their heads (and possibly their sanity).
You're afraid of caterpillars.
Today, you will transform your hand into a genie lamp, granting you wishes with pure awesome power. Check if you can reverse its effects.
Your favourite pair of sunglasses will mysteriously turn into x-ray glasses, allowing you to see through walls.
Keep a wary eye on your beer bottles today; they're harboring tiny gnomes.
You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.
Take that siesta, just maybe avoid the wet dream afterward
Not feeling well? Have a drink and sleep it off.
Your favourite mug will gain the ability to predict the future through the patterns in your coffee. It's time for some divination!
Today you will meet a messenger from a parallel universe. They will try to sell you a timeshare. Do not buy it!
]]>Today you will try a new diet
You are teleported into a parallel universe where every conversation ends with a question mark?
Today, nothing bad can happen
You will have a dream about flying tonight. Write down your thoughts and aspirations before bed.
Today you will buy yourself a plane ticket to London, and then forget about it once you get there
A mysterious benefactor will cover your expenses for the day, allowing you to indulge in luxurious experiences without worrying about the cost. Embrace the freedom and appreciate the unexpected generosity.
Today you will wake up right after getting home from work
Today you will be a coward for a few moments
It's time to upgrade your potato salad making skills.
Your day will involve a lot of emailing. Luckily, most of the emails will be about lunch, so at least you know what you're having tomorrow.
Embrace the peculiar sound of a malfunctioning elevator, as it holds the key to unlocking a new friendship with a quirky inventor who lives on the top floor.
You'll text your partner aggressively probing questions about how they're feeling today. They'll appreciate your concern, but also realize you're just bored.
]]>An old colleague will message you asking for advice. Tell them what you think.
Hug a yellow Labrador
If you go to sleep tonight, you'll have the best dreams of your life.
You can run, but you can't hide. That is, unless you're a ghost. Then you can hide forever.
Everything you touch will turn to ice. Sorry!
There is a meerkat watching and it will come for you
A talking squirrel will visit you, and will grant you three wishes, but you'll have to make them before the sun sets.
Find that your crush just can't take a hint; they will invite you to a midnight wedding. SELFIE.
Don't get discouraged if your yodelling career doesn't take off. Yodelling is a difficult and dying art form, that only a few can master.
A map will be crucial to your success today. Don't worry, you'll figure it out.
Start a band called "The 9th of July".
Feel the speed of a light-bringer Libra
]]>You may have to take a jump to the left before you can take a little step to the right.
You'll text your partner aggressively probing questions about how they're feeling today. They'll appreciate your concern, but also realize you're just bored.
You will accidentally unlock a portal to a magical realm inside your pantry. Watch out for flying spaghetti monsters.
Today, you will discover an unusually shaped cloud that eerily resembles your favourite childhood pet, bringing back cherished memories and a touch of nostalgia.
Today you will have a brief hallucination that you are talking to a dog
There are multiple spiders living in your hair.
Today you will realize your doctor is a thief
Today you will realize you don't need to charge your phone anymore.
A wild ferret will disrupt a meeting you are attending today. Hopefully it's a cute ferret.
Play Ticket To Ride with a gossipy Sagittarius.
Today you discover a portal to another dimension.
Today you'll try to dye your hair green, but it'll come out purple.
]]>The planets are in alignment or something.
Today someone will write a song about you. It'll be a fucking banger.
You will finally understand what your pets are thinking and talking about. They will ask you to buy them a friend, and you will happily comply.
Whatcha eating?
Good luck will be on your side today. Avoid any allergic reactions and spot a bee to harness good fortune.
You are going to be so tired after today.
Today you will be visited by two grooms
Today you will taste the best beer you've ever had. It will be a self-brewed one.
Don't forget your umbrella today, or you'll get wet.
You have a big heart, and you should treat it with care. For example, don't use it to try and carry anvils.
Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
Today you will realize it's the opening day of spring semester and you're unprepared
]]>If you feel the need to express yourself through dancing today, do everyone a favour and skip the dance floor. Your dance moves are more rhythmic than a dying cat falling down a flight of stairs.
5000 glares from a social Goose are inevitable.
Your car will not start today. It's trying to tell you something.
Ask questions in Turkish (maybe).
You will receive a red letter in the mail today. Do not open it. It will be an important message in the future.
Your workload today is going to skyrocket. Start getting ready!
The birds are chirping, go outside and listen for a while.
No matter how tempting it may be, you will not partake in the office birthday cake today, for fear of contracting the crabbies.
Tomorrow morning you will find yourself unexpectedly in a spaceship
You will dream about a deceased relative.
If you've ever wanted to go on a beach vacation, now is the time to start packing!
If you ever wanted to buy a boat, now is the perfect time.
]]>Don't be alarmed when your sofa cushions start attacking you.
You'll pinch yourself until you feel like you're dreaming
Today you will try out a new brand of ice cream and will not try any others
The weather will be beautiful in your neck of the woods today.
Don't step on the broken glass, it might cut your feet.
Visit a fortune teller
You'll soon have to decide whether you want to be a #GBBO or a #MKR.
You will receive an invitation to a party today that you cannot attend. Fake an illness to save face. Your excuse will be greatly exaggerated, but hey, better safe than sorry.
Today is a good day for public transportation, especially for people wearing period costumes.
A friendly dog will have an adventure with you today.
Today you'll start craving strawberries and meet up with your bromance partner to decorate a hay barn for a romantic picnic and CRAZY the crazy sauces and textures ARE THAT GOOD.
Your critics are just jealous of your success. Remember that the next time they accuse you of not knowing how to correctly use a fork.
]]>A dog will lick your face today.
Today you will wake up and your first thought will be happy birthday to me.
You will find a forgotten passport from a past life in the attic, containing evidence of your previous existence as a renowned artist in Paris. Spend the day dreaming up your next masterpiece.
If you have a problem, ask a toddler. They will have a much simpler and effective solution than you.
Your day will significantly improve if you compliment a stranger.
You will receive some money you lost. It will be in the form of a check, and you will lose it again.
Today is a good day to have a few drinks with some close friends. Just don't drink too much. You have to work tomorrow.
Today you will compete in a hot dog eating contest and win.
All of your dedication to improving your tennis game will finally pay off today. Keep your eye on the ball...and maybe employ some of your new Morse code communication skills with your tennis buddies to gossip about your frenemies.
Do not open a door today, it might be a trick.
Today you will eat a whole box of chocolates and not get sick.
Today you will decide not to be afraid of heights
]]>Today you will wake up and your first thought will be happy birthday to me.
If you find a wandering duck in your vicinity today, try to avoid renaming it "Jeff" and insisting it is your new best friend. Some things are best in their natural state.
Today you will finally understand what being bored is all about
You dream about having a bowl cut and being a powerful wizard.
Hear the water whispering beneath the seafloor
You have a special someone in your life who truly cares about you. Except that person is a narcissistic parrot who actually doesn't give a damn about you. But you already know that.
Today you will spot a quite fat pigeon and will feel an inexplicable desire to pat its head
Your fingers are crossed..
An elderly relative will give you a box of old photographs today.
Topple a domino today
Your secret is safe with the lettuce.
Beware of rogue pigeons attempting to steal your lunch today.
]]>That elusive "they" say that all roads lead somewhere. Don't believe them. Some roads just end abruptly and leave you stranded.
You will have a strong desire to rearrange your books according to colour today. Proceed with this task, but don't get caught up in an endless cycle of perfecting the arrangement.
You will have a vivid memory from a past life.
You will have the strongest craving for ice cream, and it will have to be satisfied with an ice cream sundae bigger than your head.
5000 glares from a social Goose are inevitable.
A flock of hummingbirds will sing you a lullaby as you take a nap in the park. Sweet dreams!
You will wake up feeling a bit under the weather today. Fortunately you will receive an abundance of get well soon cards from strangers. Somehow this will not make you feel better, but at least you will know that people out there are thinking of you.
Today you will wake up right after getting home from work
Today you will find a lost library book hidden inside a loaf of bread. Return it and savor the literary carbs!
You will eat too much ice cream today. It will give you a brain freeze.
Your email account has been hacked. The hacker is very sorry and has returned all of your emails. They are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.
Beware of the cheese conspiracy; they are plotting against you.
]]>A rainbow will follow you everywhere you go today, spreading joy and glitter.
If you have errands to run today, consider swimming there instead of walking or driving.
In the realm of GIF usage, you will ascend to the rank of GIF Whisperer. Your ability to expertly select and incorporate the perfect GIF into any conversation will add a touch of humor and creativity.
Nope nope nope.
Your enemies are plotting your demise, again. Thankfully they are pretty inept, so you needn't worry too much. Besides, you have a secret weapon: your ability to make excel spreadsheets! Use this skill to your advantage and thwart their evil plans.
Your favourite pair of glasses will gain sentience and will tell you that you wear them too tight
A bar of chocolate will cure almost all of your problems today. Except maybe lactose intolerance. Definitely avoid lactose intolerance.
You're a collector of rare salts.
Today you will find out you're a chimera pretending to craft meadows
Today you will encounter a talking squirrel who will share their nutty wisdom with you. Embrace their quirky advice!
Today you will learn how to do something new. It will be from YouTube.
An eccentric artist will approach you with an offer to collaborate on a unique project. Let your creativity run wild and embrace the unconventional ideas that emerge.
]]>The grass is always greener on the other side, unless you're a goat, in which case the grass is always greener on your side. Goats rock.
You will receive some money you lost. It will be in the form of a check, and you will lose it again.
Today you will get super bad fuel economy. The lesson is there all along.
Today you will suddenly discover a fondness for applying eye makeup
Your car will transform into a sentient robot and demand a road trip.
You will get an embarrassing nickname today.
You have previously owned a shellsuit.
Today, you will be filled with an overwhelming desire to roller skate. If you heed this calling, do not do so in high-heels. Rollerskating is done in rollerskates.
You will have the uncanny ability to predict the exact moment when someone is about to sneeze.
A talking dog will give you advice about your personal life today.
Turn a simple tax audit into a great success
You will find a lost library card and will use it to borrow a stack of stolen books to read on your vacation
]]>It's okay to be afraid of the dark. But it's not okay to let it control you.
Today you will befriend a magical dragon who will become your loyal companion. Get ready for epic adventures!
Look for your letter in the mirror.
You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.
Today you will eat an entire tub of ice cream meant for two people.
You use the word 'Definitely' a lot.
There is always a solution, even if you have to climb a tree to get it.
If someone asks you if you are a human, you should respond with "I'm not sure yet."
A talking squirrel will visit you, and will grant you three wishes, but you'll have to make them before the sun sets.
You can save a life today, if you choose to.
You're currently in the middle of a 30-day waiting period for a hipster bar's loyalty card.
Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the microwave is that battle.
]]>An enigmatic stranger will profess their love for you online, but will abruptly cease all communication upon disclosure of your gender. Romance blossoms differently in the digital realm.
Your favourite pair of socks will mysteriously vanish, only to reappear as a hat on a passing pigeon.
Don't worry, the pile of dishes in the sink is not as dirty as you think.
Today you discover a hidden talent for creating bloodthirsty zombies.
You will experience an intense desire to climb a tree today. Ignore this impulse unless you are an actual monkey. Trees are for climbing, but also for respecting.
You will receive a cryptic message from a long-lost relative claiming you are the heir to a vast fortune in a faraway land. Before you pack your bags, make sure to verify the legitimacy of this claim.
Today you will see a black panther peeking inside your house
Have you ever wanted to be a cat? Now's your chance!
If you're an actor, now is the time to get a headshot.
Today you will accidentally turn around
The concept of time is an illusion, so don't bother showing up for work.
A random street sign will give you profound philosophical insights today.
]]>You will accidentally unlock a portal to a magical realm inside your pantry. Watch out for flying spaghetti monsters.
Do not fear the reaper, but do fear your printer when it runs out of ink.
Climb a mountain with a Libra
From poetic profanity to succinctly expressing your frustration, your potty mouth will become a thing of legend.
You will discover a hidden talent for communicating with aliens through interpretive dance.
Beware of mischievous badgers swapping your shampoo with hot sauce.
A Yoshi doll will mysteriously appear on your doorstep, effectively fostering a deep yearning for Nintendo Switch gameplay within you.
There's a 50% chance your middle name is James.
Today you will be visited by a talking grapefruit who will share the secrets of tropical wisdom with you.
There is something you need to let go of. The thing you need to let go of is your attachment to this prediction.
Today you will accidentally turn your microwave into a time machine.
Your orders will be obeyed by an army of ants
]]>Someone will confess their love for you today. It will be a platypus with a hat.
Find out how quickly you can run up a flight of stairs without stopping.
You are a born foodie, and this year your taste buds will embark on a journey like no other. From discovering exotic ingredients to mastering mouthwatering recipes, your culinary adventures will be lauded by food critics and envy-inducing on social media.
Your favourite pair of sunglasses will mysteriously turn into x-ray glasses, allowing you to see through walls.
Today you'll be unexpectedly decorated with pointy ears, allowing you to attend Rave Chic parties without fear of bloodshed
The stock market is doing well, if you own stock in tofu nuggets.
Today you will celebrate the arrival of an errant husband, who will have returned magically from the distant past. (but is missing most of his hats)
Your pet goldfish will suddenly start speaking fluent French.
From trying your hand at painting to mastering the art of baking, your newfound hobby will bring boundless joy and excitement to your life.
You'll suddenly realize you hate all the things you've been using to cut your hair.
You have to play a drinking game with your boss.
You'll suddenly be awakened to an unfamiliar magical world, granting you powers that would seem useless
]]>First you find out that you've developed drinking water from thin air. Then you realize that it tastes like sour cream and onion Pringles.
It's very hot today so don't forget to bring your thermos and lots of water so you don't get dehydration.
You have a secret admirer. Try to determine their identity by examining your burritos.
Today you will notice that you can grow plants simply by thinking about themselves
It is said that when a narcissist looks in the mirror, they see something slightly different. You are not a narcissist. You are perfect just the way you are.
Today, you will feel the need to create. Do not do this with paint, as you have no artistic ability whatsoever.
The letters of the alphabet will spontaneously begin to rearrange themselves today, causing words to lose their meaning and for spoken language to take on an enchanting new melody.
Today it will take you 2 hours to make one cup of tea
Today, you will discover an oddly shaped cloud that resembles your favourite childhood snack.
There's a 50% chance your middle name is James.
Today you will yassify the building complex central generator by accident.
Today you will receive a phone call from a telemarketer who turns out to be your long-lost twin.
]]>For those of you who live in the countryside, do not fear. There is no need to take your vegetables inside tonight, they will not be afraid of the cold.
An omen is coming your way, but don't worry, it only happens once every thousand years.
You will have a dream about performing surgery on an orange. When you wake up, you'll wonder if it was a dream about rebirth or just citrus agriculture. You'll probably never know the truth, so just enjoy the orange juice tomorrow morning.
All of your candles are repayments for past debts. Enjoy the brief fluorescence.
The first raindrop of the season will land on your nose.
Your company will today shut down for fifteen hours, requiring you to have fun
Try to avoid spicy foods today, anyway spicy foods that you aren't accustomed to.
A stranger's envy will manifest as a subconscious tendency to copy your mannerisms today. Notice this and smile, but keep your secrets.
This year, you will find your soul's purpose in the pursuit of the perfectly wrinkled shirt. Your obsession with the art of nonchalant elegance will be revered by those in the know.
That cute coworker you've been flirting with will eat at the hot desk next to you today. Seal the deal by offering them half your lunch. They'll be impressed by your generosity.
An encounter with a charismatic and enigmatic fortune teller will leave you questioning the nature of fate and destiny, as they reveal an unforeseen twist in your destiny that will challenge your perception of reality.
Make sure to stay hydrated today, especially if you're an Aquarius.
]]>Is there anything better than coming home from work to find that your partner has made you dinner? They know exactly how to take care of you.
At some point today, you will smell cheese. Don't worry, it's normal.
Today you will seek out a troll and give it a hug
You will discover you are colour blind but only to gamma rays.
Your hair will stand up today.
You will instinctively know the gender of an unborn child simply by observing the shade of pink or blue sparkling in the mother's eyes.
You will have a strange dream about sausages tonight. Upon waking, you will have a strong desire to draw cartoon pigs on all of your bills before spending them.
You will invent a new word and start using it in everyday conversation. "Flibbertigibbet" is a great place to start.
Be prepared for an unexpected reunion with a long-lost childhood imaginary friend who has unfortunately become an expert in cryptocurrency.
Your daily routine will be disrupted by a series of absurdly funny mishaps, reminding you to embrace the unpredictability of life and find laughter in the chaos.
Beware of rogue pineapples plotting to take over the fruit aisle at your local grocery store.
You will be invited to join a secret society of synchronized swimmers. Embrace the water ballet.
]]>Be careful when opening that new can of paint.
You will be visited by a spirit from another realm.
Just because you can't remember where you left your keys, it doesn't mean you're going to forget about them.
Climb a mountain with a Libra
Today you will have a strong desire to merge with your couch. You will discover that the couch is just as excited about this idea as you are. Enjoy your day of lounging and don't worry about doing anything else.
You'll pinch yourself until you feel like you're dreaming
You will receive a message from the past.
A rainbow will follow you everywhere you go today, spreading joy and glitter.
For some reason, you feel an uncontrollable urge to get up and do a victory dance every few minutes.
Take a page from a lion's playbook
When you put your left shoe on, you will know you are ready to face the day.
A box of rat poison is actually a box of chocolates. Be careful when you open it.
]]>You will experience deja vu today. But it's not just any deja vu, it's recursive deja vu, where you keep experiencing the deja vu over and over again, ad infinitum. Navigate this strange situation carefully.
Feel the moment at a beach vacation with a dominant Capricorn.
You will be visited by a ghost.
Expose your underbelly to a Libra
Your favourite pair or socks will start rapping about your wardrobe.
You will stumble upon a hidden treasure map while doing laundry.
Beware of rogue kittens clustering outside your window plotting evil industrial espionage
Your shoelaces will tie themselves together while you're walking.
Jump out of a moving train with a Libra
There is no such thing as an ocean, it's just a big puddle.
Today you will realize how much money you have saved up over the years, and will be able to afford a yacht and a villa in Tahiti if you earn a bit extra
You will become obsessed with font choice when writing things today.
]]>Today you will realize there's a secret society of people with extremely long arms who swap paw prints among themselves
You think today you may have anger for fri-yay
The stars are aligning for you to start that podcast you've been thinking about.
Someone will confess their love for you today. It will be a platypus with a hat.
Shake hands with the Lord of England
Today you will watch the sun rise, and will somehow realize that you don't want it ever to set again
You have a unique talent! Use it to win the goldfish lottery.
When you were young, your bedroom was lined with posters of the Spice Girls. You will feel the urge to create a fever dream playlist of their music today.
Today you will have the power of invisibility. Use it wisely and escape your enemies, but be careful not to lose yourself in the process.
Everyone has a secret admirer. Only some have secret enemies.
It's hard to be humble when you're an Aries.
You should always talk to your plants.
]]>The number 7 will bring you good luck.
The clouds will part ways, revealing a message just for you: a secret clue to a hidden treasure. Grab your shovel and start digging in your backyard for a windfall.
You will find a mysterious key that unlocks doors to fantastical realms. Prepare for magical encounters and thrilling quests.
Play Ticket To Ride with a gossipy Sagittarius.
You will stumble upon a hidden library filled with books written by time-traveling authors. Get ready for mind-bending stories!
Experiment with automatic writing: Allow your subconscious to take control of your pen and see what messages flow onto the page.
You'll suddenly find yourself in possession of a pharaoh statue and will be stunned at the revelation of your ancient umber power.
A flock of flamingos will serenade you with a chorus of your favourite songs. Enjoy the flamboyant performance!
A chance encounter with a street performer will lead to an impromptu dance-off, and you will discover an unexpected talent for breakdancing.
Today you pretend that the toothpaste you're using is hot pink and tastes like cotton
Time to put away your stamp collection. You'll never finish it anyway.
Just because you can't remember where you left your keys, it doesn't mean you're going to forget about them.
]]>Today you'll try to dye your hair green, but it'll come out purple.
You will have an intense craving for ice cream today, no matter the temperature. Find a way to satisfy this craving in a healthy and sustainable manner.
Everyone has a secret admirer. Only some have secret enemies.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothpaste with mayonnaise.
Today you will discover that you can double your speed by rubbing your belly
Talk yourself into remembering your thirty-third birthday by eating passion fruit
Today you will be asked to explain your sexual orientation, even though you are clearly too chaotic
It'll be tough, but you'll fix that hinge today.
Today, someone will angrily swipe their hand across their steering wheel in frustration as they pass by the perfectly-sized parking spot you just snagged, and they'll wonder why their horoscope didn't warn them of this misfortune.
The chances of rain today are directly proportional to the amount of work you've put off.
You will be able to see memories as if they are floating in front of you today.
Today, you'll uncover a forgotten box of childhood keepsakes, filled with trinkets that hold sentimental value and bring a warm smile to your face.
]]>You'll become rich and famous overnight but only if you get rid of that stash of nudes in your basement.
It's time for a cup of tea and a Danish pastry.
Move the matchstick close to your goats
Today you will eat a whole box of chocolates and not get sick.
A unique opportunity to hug a tree presents itself. Embrace it (literally and figuratively).
Your toaster will start producing perfectly toasted images of famous paintings.
Today you will have a strong desire to merge with your couch. You will discover that the couch is just as excited about this idea as you are. Enjoy your day of lounging and don't worry about doing anything else.
Today you will have the same dream over and over
You will receive a parcel containing your name and address inside a leather wallet
An invisible halo of misfortune will surround you today, causing minor setbacks and inconveniences to occur around you at random. Wherever you go and whatever you do, a mysterious force will ensure that everything takes ten percent longer than it should.
A conscience is like a boat, you know you need one, but you're not sure why.
An unknown force will compel you to buy a stranger a cup of coffee, this act of kindness will have profound effects on your week.
]]>Today you will encounter a mystical talking unicorn who will guide you on a journey of self-discovery.
Today you will find you can breathe underwater. Don't try this at home.
Today you will decide to order Chinese food, and you'll make a great decision on what to order.
It will rain mud today.
Don't hold onto grudges or resentment; instead, let go of negative emotions and focus on the present moment. Not only will this make you feel lighter, but it will also improve your relationships with others. Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.
In the vast universe of online arguments, you will be crowned the Supreme Debater. Your ability to skillfully navigate through contentious discussions and present compelling arguments will earn you admiration and respect.
Your car will today stop being a car, and become a giant mechanical beetle. Embrace the insect expedition.
A chance meeting with a celebrity will lead to an unexpected friendship, unless they're too busy for you.
Today you will be rehomed to an island. It is said you will not miss the mainland at all.
You will have a fateful encounter with a pineapple today. Take it as a sign to make some big life changes.
The postal service will deliver an incredible package containing your favourite type of candy.
That stubborn stain on your favourite shirt? It's not coming out anytime soon, no matter how hard you scrub. Sometimes it's better to let go and move on.
]]>Your secrets are safe with the soot sprites
Today you'll be recognized for your amazing detective skills, and will suddenly be recruited as a PI.
You use the word 'Definitely' a lot.
You will be reincarnated as a butterfly.
If you eat spicy food today, you will have excellent sex tomorrow.
You will receive a Facebook friend request from a crab today.
Your bed is haunted, but only when you're alone.
The planets are in alignment or something.
Trust in the healing power of crystals: Carry your favourite stone to radiate positive energy throughout the day.
You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.
Today you will discover that you can double your speed by rubbing your belly
If a new console drops today, you're in for a treat.
]]>A beloved pet will unexpectedly display an uncanny ability today, such as fetching your mail or predicting the weather. This is a sign that you are blessed with an extraordinary entourage.
You will have a strange urge to dance today. Fortunately for you, your rhythm has gone on vacation and cannot be located. Extraordinarily bad dancing will occur regardless.
No one knows the name of a shape that looks like a hook.
Today you will play with a cat, and it will play back with you
Your neighbours will move out today, you'll finally get some peace and quiet, until tomorrow when the new neighbours arrive.
Your neighbours will move out today, you'll finally get some peace and quiet, until tomorrow when the new neighbours arrive.
You will find a dead beetle in your coffee today. Throw it out and get a new one. Try to enjoy your day, dead beetle vibes are not contagious.
If you touch a fish in your sleep, it means you'll meet your soul mate by water
Wear red and people will be confused, wear blue and they'll be intrigued, but avoid purple at all costs
Feel the speed of a light-bringer Libra
A series of coincidences will lead you to a street corner where a troupe of tap-dancing pigeons awaits your applause.
Today you will rise above the Earth's atmosphere; you will fly in a spaceship
]]>It'll be always sunny at your house.
Today you will develop a sudden affinity for wearing mismatched socks.
Your mother will suddenly appear and demand you submit your tax returns. Do it now!
Today you will discover you have a hidden talent for hypnotism. Prepare to mesmerize your whole neighborhood!
A dog will lick your face today.
Today you will get extremely bored, but also extremely horny.
Today, you will discover an unusually shaped cloud that eerily resembles your favourite childhood pet, bringing back cherished memories and a touch of nostalgia.
Today you will discover that you can't eat avocado anymore
You think today you may have anger for fri-yay
A sudden gust of wind will scatter all your sticky notes around the room. It'll be surprisingly inspiring.
Resist the temptation to upgrade your phone every time a new model is released, embrace the agony of consciousness.
The fates conspire to bless your endeavours in the realm of love today. Should you kiss a stranger on the subway, rest assured they shall not be a stranger for long.
]]>Start some supernatural creatures at the tip of your finger tonight.
Today you will meet a messenger from a parallel universe. They will try to sell you a timeshare. Do not buy it!
You will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent penguin. Prepare for conversations with your tuxedo-wearing friends!
Today you'll start craving strawberries and meet up with your bromance partner to decorate a hay barn for a romantic picnic and CRAZY the crazy sauces and textures ARE THAT GOOD.
Today you will spot a quite fat pigeon and will feel an inexplicable desire to pat its head
You're the type of person who likes to take the scenic route.
A flock of hummingbirds will sing you a lullaby as you take a nap in the park. Sweet dreams!
Fight a whole army with a Sagittarius man
Beware of those around you. True friends will communicate in Morse code, but others may not have your best interests at heart and could lead you astray with innocent cricket clicks.
Today you will be high-fived by a chimp
There is no I in team, but there is in 'win'. Make sure you get the pronunciation right when telling your team this.
You will dream about Kanye West tonight. He will try to sell you a pair of shoes that are two sizes too small. Take it as a sign to stand up for yourself.
]]>You'll have good luck today if you can spot a bee.
It's time for a cup of tea and a Danish pastry.
You never finished your thesis.
Add TLC with an immaculate Virgo
Today you will have an encounter with a magical talking squirrel who grants wishes.
At the dinner party, everyone will try to outdrink one another. Or you will confuse the white wine for ruining it.
If you play a brass instrument, now is the time to dust it off.
You will experience an intense desire to climb a tree today. Ignore this impulse unless you are an actual monkey. Trees are for climbing, but also for respecting.
You will dream in the language of birds today, and upon waking, you will eagerly rush to your window to try to interpret the meaning of the songs you hear, only to realize that it was just a bunch of pigeons arguing over a scrap of bread.
The number 7 will bring you good luck.
Today you will make the perfect cup of tea
You think today you may have anger for fri-yay
]]>The cow has been drinking.
When you get home today, you will find an angry swarm of bees has made a home in your mailbox. Don't try to rescue the mail, just wait for the bees to leave on their own.
Today you will be mistaken for a famous celebrity and asked for autographs.
If you do not take care of yourself, someone else will.
Today you will accidentally turn your bike into a time machine
You'll think of a great name for a band, but someone else will have already used it.
Today, you'll stumble upon an assortment of oddly shaped vegetables at the grocery store, inspiring creative cooking experiments.
Today you will realize you have been walking around all day with your fly down. Reward yourself with a donut for being you.
Today you realize how much you're lacking in the fear of heights department
If you don't have anything nice to say to yourself, then don't say anything at all.
Today you have a genuine fear of muffins.
You will find an extremely low IQ alien probe lying in your own backyard, and you will abandon it
]]>Today, you'll stumble upon an unusually long line at the post office, only to discover it's a secret audition for a reality show about patience.
You'll become rich and famous overnight but only if you get rid of that stash of nudes in your basement.
For the foreseeable future, all your conversations will be via email.
Today you will give your cousin a hug, and he'll gently try to push you away
Today you will feel an irresistible urge to finish your homework before going to bed
From being an early adopter of virtual reality to mastering the art of cybersecurity, your tech-savviness will be revered by friends, family, and colleagues alike.
You will have an inexplicable craving for an unusual food combination, like ice cream and pickles. Treat yourself.
Today you will find a lost sock and realize it's actually a gateway to a parallel universe. Good luck finding its pair!
Your partner is the one who will put the salad on the table in front of you today. Do not worry, they will make it a lovely one.
Your alarm clock will transform into a magical talking owl. Prepare to solve mysteries.
You will receive a parcel containing your name and address inside a leather wallet
You have always wanted to try paragliding. Today is the day.
]]>Beware of mischievous badgers swapping your shampoo with hot sauce.
For an added bonus to your day, make sure you take a picture of yourself before leaving the house.
A groundhog in the distance will think you look like a tree, do not let this bother you.
Your mailbox will become a portal to a parallel dimension where mail is delivered by unicorns.
Today you will take a self-assessment test. The results will surprise you. They will also be wrong.
You will make a close friend today who is also a pillow.
There is something you need to let go of. The thing you need to let go of is your attachment to this prediction.
Today would be a great day to start a journal. Journals are not just for teenage girls. Or maybe they are, and you are finally embracing your inner teenage girl? Embrace it fully.
Spend time with a Crab, they could use the company.
You will accidentally turn your alarm clock into a time machine.
Today, a reckless rebel will cross your path. Avoid making eye contact to avoid trouble.
Make use of your morning commute to listen to kazoo remixes of Wagner
]]>A surprise birthday party is coming your way, but it will be a surprise for someone else. You will accidentally ruin the surprise, but your presence will still be appreciated.
Your favourite mug will gain the ability to predict the future through the patterns in your coffee. It's time for some divination!
A spaceship will appear over your home, and you will rush outside to greet the aliens. They ignore you except by giving you a large brown box marked "take me". Don't open it, as it is probably best not to interfere with alien agendas or redistribute their swag.
You will discover a secret talent for levitating small objects with the power of your mind. Start your career as a magician!
This is your invitation to the party. Today, any and all your pathetic excuses for why you haven't followed your dreams can finally be laid to rest.
You are experiencing vertigo today, so take it easy on the stairs
A bird will fly into your house today. It will have a message for you.
Today you will experience a surge in productivity
Your alarm clock will start playing soothing lullabies to gently wake you up in the morning. Embrace the musical mornings!
Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a jar of pickles. Embark on a briny adventure!
In ancient cultures, you were seen as the sun and the moon. In modern times, you are seen as a shadowy figure, often in the background, rarely in the spotlight. Today, you can change this by making a big scene in a restaurant.
Steer clear of escalators; they have a mind of their own today, and it's not in your favor.
]]>Let a quick-witted Aquarius suggest bedtime stories
You will be invited to join a secret society of synchronized swimmers. Embrace the water ballet.
Cuddle with a golden haired Pisces
You will discover a hidden talent for impersonating farm animals. Get ready to moo, cluck, and oink with precision!
Your car will today stop being a car, and become a giant mechanical beetle. Embrace the insect expedition.
Kiss a malay Aries in a tree.
You will receive an unexpected windfall in the form of a large fish.
There's an exciting adventure waiting for you, check back in tomorrow to find out what it is.
If you encounter a grey cat today, good fortune is coming your way. If it slips on the pavement, however, this luck will quickly reverse.
Feel classy with Felicity today.
An alignment of the stars indicates a strong desire to connect with your inner child by diving into a pit of mud puddles like when you were younger, with no concern for your clothes.
Play Ticket To Ride with a gossipy Sagittarius.
]]>Adopt the wisdom of fortune cookies; your fate is intricately woven within those cryptic messages.
Today you will secretly lust over the house across the street
From classic concoctions to innovative creations, your cocktail recipes will be the life of every party. Prepare to be revered as a mixology maestro and the honorary bartender at every gathering.
Always carry a bandana with you, you never know when you'll need to make a quick western.
Today you will decide not to be afraid of heights
Your phone will operate better once you upgrade its software, but you'll stubbornly refuse.
Beware of mischievous socks that have learned to walk on their own. They may try to escape your drawer.
A reminder that no matter how bad things seem, there's always a bright side. Sometimes we need a little nudge to help us see the good in life.
Check those tags for proper cleaning instructions, some items can go weeks without a wash!
You will meet a soulmate today, but they will be a turtle. Despite the slow pace of a relationship with a turtle, you will find that quality time spent together is more important than quantity.
Your inner architect will be sparked by a night of wedging yourself into various shaped furniture.
Find out how quickly you can run up a flight of stairs without stopping.
]]>You will receive an unexpected proposal today, and you will be forced to choose between two equally good options. Choose the third option.
If you see a black raven, consider it a sign.
Your favourite pair of socks will mysteriously start playing your favourite song whenever you put them on.
From timeless classics to clever contemporary quips, your dad joke repertoire will be unmatched. Prepare to be the life of every party and the bane of everyone's humourless friend.
You will dream of falling tonight but right before you hit the ground you will wake up. Unfortunately, that waking up part is just a dream and you will hit the ground hard. Hopefully you slept through that part and woke up safely in your bed.
In the world of sarcasm, you will achieve legendary status. Your ability to deliver scathing yet witty remarks with a perfectly straight face will earn you the admiration and fear of those around you.
You will receive a Facebook friend request from a crab today.
Today you will get fired from a job you don't like doing because you were once fired from an identical job
Your alarm clock will start playing soothing lullabies to gently wake you up in the morning. Embrace the musical mornings!
That would be a big plate of…bread.
There is a chance you will save a choking baby today.
When you meet a new friend today, they will become your emergency contact.
]]>There is never too much garlic bread.
You have a finite number of farts in your lifetime. Use them wisely.
Your hair will stand up today.
If you'd rather stay home and read than attend a party, do it! Just be sure to make exceptions and seize opportunities to socialize, especially if you're an introvert.
A clandestine crush will reveal themselves through an ambiguous text message.
Today you will make a friend with a pumpkin, and will realize that it's the cutest thing ever.
You're not crazy, you're just in love.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless you're a goat, in which case the grass is always greener on your side. Goats rock.
Your morning coffee will mysteriously taste like pumpkin spice and lavender.
You may have to take a jump to the left before you can take a little step to the right.
You will have the uncanny ability to understand and communicate with animals today. Take advantage of this skill to uncover the secrets of the local squirrels.
Today you will finally qualify to be a contestant on TV game shows
]]>An elderly relative will give you a box of old photographs today.
You are what you eat and you have eaten only hot food, so you are hot.
If you take public transport today, expect the unexpected! Maybe the driver will talk to you or play your favourite song. You never know what surprises the day may bring.
A spontaneous dance party will erupt in the most unexpected place today. Find the rhythm in your step and let loose like nobody's watching.
You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.
Today you will try using your hands like feet when you walk
Today you will solve the murder mystery of why Halloween is always really great
Get ready to uncover a long-lost collection of mismatched socks, hidden away in the depths of your sock drawer.
Today you will secretly lust over the house across the street
You have always wanted to write a book.
Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.
Did you know your great grandfather invented beards? He did, and for that we are all grateful.
]]>At the club tonight, spin the wheel of destiny for amazing cosplay costumes
Today you'll start craving strawberries and meet up with your bromance partner to decorate a hay barn for a romantic picnic and CRAZY the crazy sauces and textures ARE THAT GOOD.
Today you will learn how to play the bagpipes.
You will discover a secret superpower. Learn to levitate!
You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.
Are you ready for the challenge?
You will be invited to join a secret society of synchronized swimmers. Embrace the water ballet.
A sunny day will turn into a stormy one as you suddenly develop the ability to control the weather with your mind. You will use this power for evil and cause a minor thunderstorm to ruin someone's outdoor picnic.
You will discover the true meaning of the phrase "accidentally broke my elbow" today. Hopefully, this discovery will not involve paramedics.
You will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a bag of crisps. Embark on a salty adventure!
Avoid using the word "klutz" today. Someone will take it personally.
Nope nope nope.
]]>Consider past lives: Reflect on the idea that your soul has lived before and that your experiences continue to shape your existence.
You will meet a nice bisexual
At 7pm GMT you will be stuck in traffic due to a moose on the road
A friendly dog will have an adventure with you today.
Eat lunch with a Scorpio man
Your favourite pair of glasses will gain sentience and will tell you that you wear them too tight
Today you will learn that it's impossible to cross your legs in the same position twice in a row
Today you'll find yourself baking an epic pie, but will be frustrated by how difficult it is to cut it into slices.
You will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a jar of Nutella. Embark on a sweet adventure!
You still play with LEGO.
From situational reactions to poignant emotional insights, your GIF game will be strong and on point.
Your car will be possessed by a friendly ghost, they will only drive you to fun and interesting places today so sit back and enjoy the ride.
]]>When you were young, your bedroom was lined with posters of the Spice Girls. You will feel the urge to create a fever dream playlist of their music today.
That thing you are worried about? It's probably not going to happen. But when it does, at least you'll be prepared thanks to the excessive worrying you've been doing. Congratulations on achieving the worst of both worlds!
You will have minor disagreements with strangers today. Just let it go.
Today you will dance in a library for no apparent reason
Your pets will attempt to have a serious talk with you. Try not to laugh, they're sensitive about their feelings.
Today you will develop the ability to speak to inanimate objects. Your conversations will be enlightening and bizarre.
Today, you receive a hard drive containing the most raunchy movies imaginable.
To get a dinosaur to smile, tickle its ears.
Today you will have the same dream over and over
Make sure to stay hydrated today, especially if you're an Aquarius.
Your toaster will mysteriously start reciting Shakespearean sonnets today.
Today you will discover the most beautiful rose garden ever, but will be unable to remember how you got there.
]]>Today will be filled with unexpected synchronizations and coincidences. Use these events as reminders of the interconnectedness of all things.
If a new console drops today, you're in for a treat.
Your lucky color today is cerulean amber - incorporate it into your outfit to bring good fortune.
You're doing great!
Today you will understand the meaning of life, and suddenly all problems will be solved
Today you will realize to your horror that you're under the influence of a psychotic kitchen utensil
Today, you'll stumble upon a forgotten childhood toy that brings back waves of nostalgia and a sudden urge to build pillow forts.
You will dream about bananas tonight, but not in the way you think. Your subconscious will seamlessly merge bananas with the idea of teamwork, and you'll dream about being part of a synchronized banana-tossing squad.
Today you'll accidentally turn into a mermaid every time water touches your skin. Just add water!
Today you will discover there is still so much to learn about the subterranean world: the praetorians' cavern city will vanish before your eyes
Today you will find perfectly preserved confused mammoth meat in your freezer. Eat whatever's left
Today you will be given instruction manual to R2D2
]]>Shoot a gale with a feather
A person from your past might forget your name today. Don't be afraid to gently remind them, or just embrace the fact that some people are simply forgetful.
Today, you'll have a eureka moment where you realize that life is made up of 85 percent pretending
You are a force to be reckoned with. So go out and reckon with something.
Nope, I got nothing
In approximately two weeks, you will go to sleep and wake up a totally different person. This is going to be amazing!
If it is sunny today, brexit means brexit
Don't be so down on yourself. A Full Moon means your spirit guide is with you, and everything will be okay.
Today you will learn how to cook and will have homemade meals every day
A housemate of yours will have a bad day. You can try to cheer them up, or you can take the opportunity to prank them.
You'll find a semi-sentient cookie that will charm you with its crafty personality.
A squirrel will steal your sandwich right out of your hands.
]]>The weather today will be a mix of sun and moonshine.
Wear blue if you want to remain invisible.
You will accidentally unlock the ability to communicate with plants. Prepare for insightful conversations with your leafy friends.
You have a Leo friend who is as sweet as candy. Today, try and sell that candy.
Someone will confess their love for you today. It will be a platypus with a hat.
Tomorrow will be a good day to sell stolen goods, especially if you have a lot of brass fixtures laying around.
People will judge you for drinking too much water.
Don't underestimate the power of tattoo removal today.
Your cooking skills will be unmatched today. Take the opportunity to make a new dish!
The world is your oyster, so eat it.
A rival is out there. This will become a huge bummer for them.
Wear your heaviest shoes for good luck, because why not?
]]>Today you will meet a girl at a festival who will convince you to hug her
You have always wanted to write a letter to your future self. Today is the day to do it.
If you don't clean your room you'll get a fungus, if you do clean your room you'll get a fungus.
A lucky penny awaits you today, but it will be hidden in a bizarre place. Keep your eyes peeled.
Today you will happen upon an unworldly metal tree.
A Leprechaun will ask for your help today.
Beware of a sudden craving for purple jelly beans—it's a sign of impending silliness.
Your star sign is known for being sensible and responsible. Make sure to put aside some time for wild adventures and ridiculous risks!
After years of work, you will finally be invited to exhibit at the Louvre
Today you will accidentally dye your hair neon green.
A flock of flamingos will provide a sensational and surprising display of synchronized dancing in the park. Take a break from your daily duties to appreciate this rare phenomenon.
The Loch Ness Monster is friendly and is probably a vegetarian. Nessie would like to invite you to visit her at the Loch Ness Inn for a bowl of tea and some haggis. Vegetarian haggis of course.
]]>You should do some kind of artistic expression today.
A pigeon will deliver a cryptic message to you today. It will be written on a scrap of paper and tied to the pigeon's leg with a strand of spaghetti. Unfortunately the pasta will be cold and limp by the time it reaches you.
Your toaster will develop a mind of its own and insist on making only smiley face toast for the entire day.
Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.
Expect an impromptu meeting with a tea leaf reader whose uncanny accuracy will leave you questioning the nature of time itself.
Today you will accidentally turn around
You will be caught singing along to your favorite song.
It is time to wash your hands. You will also need to wash your shoes.
Don't worry, the pile of dishes in the sink is not as dirty as you think.
Your bathrobe will gain sentience and become your best friend
You should always talk to your plants.
Today you will experience an intense craving for pudding and will eat it for both lunch and dinner.
]]>Today you will stop looking at clocks and then realize you've spent an entire week living in a completely different world
From sarcastic comebacks to ironic one-liners, your sarcastic arsenal will be brimming with lethal jokes that cut deep and leave a lasting impression.
All cats are smart, but some cats are too smart for their own good.
That elusive "they" say that all roads lead somewhere. Don't believe them. Some roads just end abruptly and leave you stranded.
Today you will be confronted by a bat after realizing you've missed the last bus home
You will receive a surprise delivery of 100 rubber ducks.
Tomorrow's lucky number is 111111.
You will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a bag of crisps. Embark on a salty adventure!
You will receive an unexpected windfall in the form of a scratch ticket victory. Use these funds to purchase cupcakes, as the universe is also telling you to eat cake.
Your favourite pair of socks will mysteriously start playing your favourite song whenever you put them on.
Today you will forget something you cannot forget because you forgot to use the words not, don't, forget, couldn't, or never
It is said that when a narcissist looks in the mirror, they see something slightly different. You are not a narcissist. You are perfect just the way you are.
]]>A bar of chocolate will cure almost all of your problems today. Except maybe lactose intolerance. Definitely avoid lactose intolerance.
If someone suggests a game of poker, be wary. Their tells may not be what they seem, especially if they're a fox.
A foreign country will tell you it is excited to have you visit.
Don't let the mules deceive you. Even though they may appear aloof, it is critical that you promptly address any molehills they erect, for they can metamorphose into mountains in no time.
There is no point in trying to keep up with the Jones's, they are so far ahead of you and are cheating.
Your secret is safe with the lettuce.
If the boss has an issue with your napping habits, mismatched socks will throw them off your scent. But don't get too comfortable, there's still work to be done!
It's time to break free from the confines of social media and embrace a sense of mystery in your life.
You will make it a habit to forgive others, but most importantly, you will learn to forgive yourself.
You will receive an unexpected invitation to a fancy dress party. Wear something that makes you feel like a million dollars, and prepare to make an extravagant entrance.
Your friends will admire you today for your ability to converse on any topic. Within seconds you'll be able to talk to them about retractable ball-point pens andarezitively engaginzing.
You are experiencing vertigo today, so take it easy on the stairs
]]>You will experience an intense desire to rename everything in your vicinity today. Instead of acting on this impulse, try to find a more productive outlet for your creativity, like writing a novel or making a funky playlist.
You emit good vibes today, so take advantage of them and pursue opportunities.
You will receive a message from a friendly alien civilization via a dream.
Today you will decide not to be afraid of heights
Your bad luck has run out, consider playing the lottery. This message is sponsored by the lottery.
Watch a fire with a smooth Gemini.
You've been feeling a little under the weather lately. It might be because you have caught a cold, or it might be because you are feeling a little down. I'm not really sure which one it is.
Today you will create an incredible fresh and spicy salad dressing
There's an exciting adventure waiting for you, check back in tomorrow to find out what it is.
If you're unemployed, today is a good day to start planning your own space colony.
A gust of wind will carry secret messages. Try to intercept them, but be careful of the messenger.
You will be invited to a dinner party tonight but when you arrive the hosts will have been taken over by pod people. Um, okay, maybe skip this one.
]]>You will discover a hidden talent for playing the harmonica with your nose.
Today you will become friends with a psychic squirrel who predicts your future.
Today you will be visited by two grooms
In one week, you will be given a briefcase that contains $1,000,000 in cash. Take it!
Your hairbrush will gain sentience and start giving you daily pep talks.
You may find yourself attracted to statues today. Do your best to resist this attraction. It is not appropriate to make out with a statue, regardless of how much it looks like Ryan Gosling.
You will have a dream about cows tonight and it will change your life.
The moon will be in the sky today. It will be a blue moon.
A feeling of helplessness will wash over you today as you confront the enormity of global issues. Take small actions to make a difference and don't lose hope.
Recreate a freemason ritual in your spare bedroom
An ancient menagerie of animals will gather around you, ready to perform a show.
You will accidentally unlock a portal to a magical realm inside your pantry. Watch out for flying spaghetti monsters.
]]>The conditions for extraterrestrial archaeology have never been better, and today you will find the hole you've been looking for. Whether it's a new career path, a spiritual journey, or a literal hole in your backyard, you're ready to excavate new possibilities.
Did you ever want to see a parade of turtles? Of course you did! That's why you're so excited about the one that's coming to your city this weekend!
There is no such thing as a stupid question. Except for the one you are about to ask.
Today you will pick up that antique metal detector you've had your eye on and start your hunt for historical treasure.
You will accidentally unlock the ability to communicate with plants. Prepare for insightful conversations with your leafy friends.
You will discover a secret talent for levitating small objects with the power of your mind. Start your career as a magician!
Solar cleansing: stare at the sun and count to ten to rid yourself of today's bad luck.
There is never too much garlic bread.
Today, you'll find yourself captivated by the intricate patterns formed by spilled coffee on the café table, unraveling a prophetic message for the day ahead.
A mysterious flock of seagulls will follow you around today, interpreting your every move as though it were a sign from above. They will deposit trash everywhere you go, just to see what you will do.
Today you will eat a delicious slice of pie and will start dating a bartender
Today you will be rehomed to an island. It is said you will not miss the mainland at all.
]]>You've always wanted to indulge your inner archaeologist, and today is the day! Whether you find an actual relic or just uncover a new appreciation for your backyard, you'll uncover a buried treasure.
Do not fear the Receptionist, for she will give you a word of the day and help you on your way.
Catch a polar bear with a bloody nose climb a tree
Today you will learn that it's impossible to cross your legs in the same position twice in a row
Today, someone will hand you a small brown bag. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, even if you can tell it's the horse you bought for your sister last year.
Today you will wonder why there are so many scrap papers interspersed amongst your things
Today, you will find yourself inexplicably drawn to a garage sale, where you'll uncover a peculiar antique teapot.
Your procrastination will pay off in a big way. Someday, in the distant future, you will be awarded the Nobel Prize for having not invented anything.
Everything you touch will turn to gold (assuming you touch non-living things).
Listen to the rain tapping on the roof tiles from your bedroom window
Today you will see a black panther peeking inside your house
A conscience is like a boat, you know you need one, but you're not sure why.
]]>Your bathrobe will gain sentience and become your best friend
Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a fortune cookie.
Today you will enjoy an intensely powerful orgasm, and will think you've found heaven.
Discover a secret talent for telepathy with a Virgo
Today you will have a staring contest with a wild animal and win.
You dream about having a bowl cut and being a powerful wizard.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent dolphin. Prepare for deep conversations in the ocean.
The moon will ask you to be its partner.
You have always wanted to write a letter to your future self. Today is the day to do it.
You will find a four-leaf clover, but only after you have convinced a friend that three-leaf clovers are lucky too.
You will gain a new appreciation for jelly/jello salad today.
Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.
]]>You will stumble upon a hidden treasure map while doing laundry.
You will be consumed by a spontaneous and uncontrollable urge to dance today. Preferably somewhere public.
Pay attention to the unusual pattern on your morning toast, as it holds a hidden message that could guide you to the perfect pair of socks.
You will find a love letter in a book.
A strangely familiar stranger will cross your path today. Ignore the feeling of deja vu and focus on connecting with your present surroundings.
Today is your lucky day. Unfortunately, it only comes around every 3 years.
In the realm of dad jokes, you will ascend to the rank of Master of Mirth. Your expertly crafted puns will elicit groans and eye rolls, followed by a resounding chorus of laughter.
When you check your phone today, you'll find an annoying new update waiting. Instead of procrastinating, update it immediately and then move on with your life. The world of technology waits for no one.
You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.
You will receive an email from a long-lost friend asking for an urgent loan today. Do not engage with this message, as it is extremely likely to be a scam.
Today you will conquer your fear of heights by finally taking that ladder to the attic.
Today you will be thrust into a dual universe where everything is made of stone, and there will be no change
]]>Tell a joke to a desk plant and watch it grow.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
Beware of rogue garden hoses conspiring to create a water park in your backyard. Grab your swimsuit and join the fun!
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent llama
You will suddenly realize that you don't need to sleep anymore.
Today you will see a black panther peeking inside your house
You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.
You're afraid of caterpillars.
You are more likely to get a hug today than a cup of coffee.
If you play a brass instrument, now is the time to dust it off.
The current UK Prime Minister follows you on Instagram.
If you mimic a galloping horse in your sleep, you will have big dreams.
]]>Get ready to uncover a long-lost collection of mismatched socks, hidden away in the depths of your sock drawer.
Today you will spend quality time with your new stuffed animal.
It is okay to say no. But today, you should say yes. Then you will say no.
Embrace the power of mismatched socks; they hold the key to your quirky destiny.
Today, a heavenly chorus of birds shall sing praises for your existence. Take a moment to appreciate this celestial symphony, for its echoes carry the universe's blessing for the path you have chosen.
Today you will decide to order Chinese food, and you'll make a great decision on what to order.
Your presence will have an inexplicable calming effect on angry mobs, and you will find that simply by showing up, you can single-handedly diffuse tense situations, causing crowds to calmly and quietly disperse without resistance.
Your teeth will feel particularly clean today.
Today you will be married for 7 years, but with a tiny man
If you are a mammal, today you will communicate with the ancestors.
Don't forget to drink lots of water today, and maybe even consume a juicy piece of fruit or tooosus.
Today you will accidentally dye your hair neon green.
]]>You'll soon have to decide whether you want to be a #GBBO or a #MKR.
Always remember to drink your ovaltine.
Do not fear the Receptionist, for she will give you a word of the day and help you on your way.
You will receive an unexpected invitation to join a secret society but must bring an item of great importance to gain entry - it will be a porcelain turtle.
Today you will try on a cheap poisonous black cocktail dress. It will start to burn you, and you will leave the shop in tears
Today you will encounter a talking squirrel who will share their nutty wisdom with you. Embrace their quirky advice!
Have you ever wanted to make a blanket fort? Today is the day!
You will dream about a sheep today. It will have a significant meaning.
Today you will be visited by two grooms
Today you will suddenly realize you can't eat sugar anymore
To all those Leo's born between August 10th and August 12th: Don't worry, your powers of charm are still intact.
Do not buy unnecessary items in flashy colors; stick to the basics.
]]>If you can afford to have your friends over for a big cookout, then consider doing so! Having people around with good food is always a plus.
Do not make online purchases of shoes, for they will inevitably be sharper and more uncomfortable than you anticipated.
Your car will transform into a talking unicorn and demand to be fed glitter
Your bank account will suddenly have an infestation of fruit flies. They are a sign of good fortune! Don't worry!
You will experience an abundance of cacti in your life for no reason, but there is no cause for concern.
Heightened senses will be yours today, enabling you to detect the aroma of onions from an adjacent apartment block. Use this power wisely.
You are an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, inside a mystery. Unravel yourself and see what's inside!
You'll keep mistaking your hair dryer for a retro space-age jetpack. Put it to good use making an urgent escape.
True friends will start communicating with you in Morse code, but beware of fake friends and unsuspecting crickets.
Listen to your dreams: Keep a dream journal and look for hidden meanings in your nocturnal adventures.
Today someone will write a song about you. It'll be a fucking banger.
Today you will find out you're a chimera pretending to craft meadows
]]>Today you will be alone with a very nice young lady
You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.
Today you will win the lottery at least twice
You will accidentally order way too much takeout, and it will be glorious.
The weather today will be a mix of sun and moonshine.
Surprise guests will enter through your television screen, and you'll spend the next four hours explaining how it works and postmodernist architecture
Carry a rubber chicken for good luck; it will ward off awkward encounters and bring unexpected joy.
Your alarm clock will transform into a magical talking owl. Prepare to solve mysteries.
Your morning toast will unexpectedly turn into a magical portal. So prepare to travel the wide galaxy.
Tomorrow you'll wake up in some sort of wizard stone circle exactly 431 feet below ground level. Time to conjure an adventure!
Today is a good day to have a few drinks with some close friends. Just don't drink too much. You have to work tomorrow.
You will find a hidden pocket of time today, where an hour seems to stretch into two. Use this time wisely and engage in activities that bring you true joy.
]]>Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.
People will call you a socialist if you order a set meal at a restaurant today.
When you wake up today, take a few minutes to plan something nice for yourself. Then, get right back into bed.
There's no point to this, but it's a good laugh.
The sea will call out to you, and you will answer.
Beware of rogue garden hoses conspiring to trip you.
Today you will miss your bus and will wonder how you ended up here
Today you will accidentally turn your sofa into a trampoline. Bounce away your worries!
A letter from Hogwarts is on its way to you.
Rescue is on its way, hang in there!
Embrace the joy of finding a hidden stash of bubble wrap that brings instant stress relief and oddly satisfying popping sounds.
The ghost of a murderer will visit you today.
]]>Today you will discover there is still so much to learn about the subterranean world: the praetorians' cavern city will vanish before your eyes
This year, you will find your path to enlightenment through the art of mindful drinking. Your ability to savor each sip of your favorite beverage, be it a finely crafted beer or a decadent glass of wine, will elevate your appreciation for the art of drinking.
When your alarm wakes you up way too early, your crooner K-pop alarm whistle will play to comfort you
You will receive a surprise delivery of 100 rubber ducks.
Today you discover a hidden talent for creating bloodthirsty zombies.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothbrush with a tiny broom. Embrace the miniature cleaning experience!
Your boat will crash into your house. Don't worry, you don't own a boat... right?
From classic concoctions to innovative creations, your cocktail recipes will be the life of every party. Prepare to be revered as a mixology maestro and the honorary bartender at every gathering.
You will wake up smelling like roses today. So will your coworkers, because the scent of roses permeates your entire building. It turns out, the perfume factory down the road experienced an accident and now everywhere is flourishing with fragrance.
Today you will be married for 7 years, but with a tiny man
An otherworldly encounter will spark profound realizations about the nature of reality, prompting a spontaneous UFO dance party.
Don't buy colorful clothing, stick to navy
]]>From trying your hand at painting to mastering the art of baking, your newfound hobby will bring boundless joy and excitement to your life.
Believe in the power of juju: Speak positive affirmations and visualize your dreams to attract good fortune.
You are going to be so tired after today.
You still use an old childhood nickname.
If a crow appears on your shoulder today, give it food.
Someone called Brian will ask you for a favor today. Feel free to lend them your ears, but not your handkerchief.
Beware of those around you. True friends will communicate in Morse code, but others may not have your best interests at heart and could lead you astray with innocent cricket clicks.
An eccentric artist will approach you with an offer to collaborate on a unique project. Let your creativity run wild and embrace the unconventional ideas that emerge.
Beware a clan of conniving psycho clowns swapping your breakfast cereal with jelly
If you see an angry-looking animal today, try to tickle it.
You are never alone when you have a good friend. Unless you're an introvert, in which case you're never alone when you don't have a good friend also.
There will be no chocolate in your advent calendar for the rest of the year. Sorry.
]]>A conscience is like a boat, you know you need one, but you're not sure why.
Kiss a malay Aries in a tree.
Today you will realize you've never thought about this before
Your love life will take a turn for the dramatic today. Expect a stormy confrontation with your partner over whether or not to use a coaster.Individuality is paramount.
After discovering a mysterious package outside your door, you will embark on a thrilling adventure involving government conspiracies, cryptic clues, and an infectious paranoia that will bind you together with your roommates in a fight for survival.
Today someone will write a song about you. It'll be a fucking banger.
Today you can't seem to decide what to feel
You can't possibly choose between stroganoff + gingerbread cake.
A chance to travel to a exotic location will fall into your lap, but you will decline due to an unexpected illness.
Today you will accidentally turn your sofa into a trampoline. Bounce away your worries!
You'll be visited by a squad of marshmallow soldiers intent on kidnapping your baby. Lt. Colonel Marshmallow needs your help.
Your lucky color today is cerulean amber.
]]>An enigmatic stranger will profess their love for you online, but will abruptly cease all communication upon disclosure of your gender. Romance blossoms differently in the digital realm.
You may not be the best, but you are the best for someone. Be there for that someone today.
If you've ever wanted to go on a beach vacation, now is the time to start packing!
You'll find a four leaf clover today.
You will never have to look for a car again.
It is okay to be afraid. In fact, a little fear can be good for you. unless it's a fear of velcro, in which case, seek professional help.
Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
You will win the lottery.
You will find a hidden room in your house. It will be very dusty.
You will be invited to a dinner party tonight but when you arrive the hosts will have been taken over by pod people. Um, okay, maybe skip this one.
Your appetite will noticeably decrease today, owing to the influx of lemons in your diet. Perhaps consider switching to limes.
Today, you will find yourself inexplicably drawn to a garage sale, where you'll uncover a peculiar antique teapot.
]]>Your boat will crash into your house. Don't worry, you don't own a boat... right?
An elderly relative will give you a box of old photographs today.
A notorious crime will have you questioning the innocence of a seemingly innocent person. Use your detective skills to uncover the truth and solve the case.
You've never been to Canada, have you? Well, today's the day!
The longer you stare at a blank wall, the more likely it is to have something written on it.
You will find an extremely low IQ alien probe lying in your own backyard, and you will abandon it
Today you discover a hidden talent for creating bloodthirsty zombies.
Today you can't seem to decide what to feel
Today you will walk into an ancient cave, and you will feel the urge to draw a moustache on his penis
Today you will take a self-assessment test. The results will surprise you. They will also be wrong.
You will have the power to hear what dogs are thinking today. You will discover that they are plotting to take over the world and you alone will know this.
All of your candles are repayments for past debts. Enjoy the brief fluorescence.
]]>There is an odd number of fingers on your left hand. I'm not sure if this is important. But it is weird.
Your destiny will intertwine with that of a lost feather today. Keep your eyes peeled, and be prepared for unexpected turns and adventures.
In one year today, you will meet the love of your life. It will be an incredible moment!
Your last meal will be tacos.
Your favourite pair of sunglasses will mysteriously turn into x-ray glasses, allowing you to see through walls.
Workshop cell reprogramming with a roguish Gemini
Today will be a great day to start a garden. Don't worry if you lack a green thumb, because it's not actually a prerequisite.
Today you will be followed by a trail of glitter everywhere you go.
Remember, whatever doesn't kill you today was actually a harmless mosquito. Stay calm when others around you are losing their heads (and possibly their sanity).
You will be able to hear what your pets are saying today. It will drive you crazy.
Your favourite pair of socks will gain the ability to teleport.
Today you will be told that one of your ancestors is a Roman emperor
]]>Beware of mischievous rubber ducks conspiring to flood your bathroom.
A watermelon will fall from the sky and explode on the pavement next to you, revealing a secret map of treasures hidden within the produce section of your local grocery store.
It is said that when a narcissist looks in the mirror, they see something slightly different. You are not a narcissist. You are perfect just the way you are.
Today you will imagine you feel a sharp prick of electricity in your body, you'll suddenly feel a sudden burning sensation in your left butt cheek, and will be unable to sit down for the rest of day.
At some point in the future you will meet a quartz elephant in Hong Kong.
You will get an embarrassing nickname today.
Date after dark with a Taurus man
Your destiny will intertwine with that of a lost feather today. Keep your eyes peeled, and be prepared for unexpected turns and adventures.
Today it will take you 2 hours to make one cup of tea
If it is sunny today, brexit means brexit
Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.
Today you will solve the murder mystery of why Halloween is always really great
]]>A chance encounter with a street performer will lead to an impromptu dance-off, and you will discover an unexpected talent for breakdancing.
In ancient cultures, you were seen as the sun and the moon. In modern times, you are seen as a shadowy figure, often in the background, rarely in the spotlight. Today, you can change this by making a big scene in a restaurant.
A letter from Hogwarts is on its way to you.
You'll accidentally turn into a cat, and realize you don't know where you've been all day.
Don't be so down on yourself. A Full Moon means your spirit guide is with you, and everything will be okay.
You will be able to see invisible colors today. These colors will be completely new to you and very beautiful. Try to find a way to describe them to the people around you so they can appreciate their beauty too, although frankly, they will think you're crazy.
You will have a chance to make a wish come true today. That wish will involve garlic bread.
Is there anything better than coming home from work to find that your partner has made you dinner? They know exactly how to take care of you.
Be prepared for an unexpected encounter with a celebrity doppelganger. Take a selfie for proof!
Beware of rogue tumbleweeds; they hold the answers to questions you didn't even know you had.
You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.
Don't clean your room today, the mess will be beneficial for you in the future.
]]>Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the battle is your own bad jokes.
Today you will surreptitiously check if travelers to Mars are slowly growing tails
The stars say you're about to embark on a great adventure! It'll be nothing like you expect.
Today you'll hug a toilet. It will hug you back.
A bird will fall out of the sky and onto your head. It will be strangely satisfying.
Today, you'll have a eureka moment where you realize that life is made up of 85 percent pretending
Don't try footwear on in-store then search for a cheaper version online, only to find it doesn't fit quite right. Just buy the darn shoes.
Your workload today is going to skyrocket. Start getting ready!
Today you realize how much you're lacking in the fear of heights department
Are you ready for the challenge?
It's very hot today so don't forget to bring your thermos and lots of water so you don't get dehydration.
Try to be chill like a cucumber today.
]]>Your bank account will suddenly have an infestation of fruit flies. They are a sign of good fortune! Don't worry!
Beware of rogue tomatoes conspiring to create a salsa revolution in your kitchen.
You will be asked to lead a team today. Choose your team wisely, as only those who truly want to can follow you into battle.
Your hairbrush will transform into a magical wand, granting you the power to create fabulous hairstyles with a flick.
You will discover a hidden talent for juggling watermelons. Become the ultimate fruity performer!
Today you will play with a cat, and it will play back with you
You will receive some lemons today, and you will make a delicious lemon pie with them.
You will receive a red letter in the mail today. Do not open it. It will be an important message in the future.
Expect an impromptu meeting with a tea leaf reader whose uncanny accuracy will leave you questioning the nature of time itself.
Swim freely with leviathan dragonfish
If you do not take care of yourself, someone else will.
A profound appreciation for the simple joys of life, such as a perfectly ripe watermelon, will be yours today.
]]>If a new console drops today, you're in for a treat.
Today you will create an incredible fresh and spicy salad dressing
Your neighbours will move out today, you'll finally get some peace and quiet, until tomorrow when the new neighbours arrive.
You'll pinch yourself until you feel like you're dreaming
Elevenses shall be your new favorite word today. Learn it, love it, use it.
Your neighbour's cat will start doing stuff to your couch cushions.
You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.
You will make a close friend today who is also a pillow.
The scent of lavender shall follow you throughout the day, lulling you into a state of calm and reassurance. Trust your instincts and follow your nose, for in this ethereal aroma lies a divine guiding force.
In one week, you will be given a briefcase that contains $1,000,000 in cash. Take it!
An Aquarius in Canada will save your life today.
Don't be afraid to speak up if something's wrong. But maybe today is a good day to practice letting others take the lead in conversation.
]]>A mysterious benefactor will cover your expenses for the day, allowing you to indulge in luxurious experiences without worrying about the cost. Embrace the freedom and appreciate the unexpected generosity.
You will see someone you haven't seen since high school. They will be basically the same.
The first snow of the year is coming early this year. Make sure you're ready!
From being an early adopter of virtual reality to mastering the art of cybersecurity, your tech-savviness will be revered by friends, family, and colleagues alike.
Experience saltspray with toppled dominos
Never play a trick on a plant. It's mean and plants are friends.
It's important to love yourself. So if you want to go to the gym, go. Or get a burger. It's your choice!
A sudden gust of wind will scatter all your sticky notes around the room. It'll be surprisingly inspiring.
You'll win an award for "Most Improved" at something today.
No one likes to be the banker in Monopoly.
All your food will today start to taste like chocolate
It'll be tough, but you'll fix that hinge today.
]]>Today you will run through your neighbourhood and count how many Fireballs you encounter
Did you forget to put in your contact lenses this morning? Don't worry, mistakes happen! Just remember to be kind to yourself and others, and everything will become clearer.
Today you will be mistaken for a famous celebrity and asked for autographs.
You like ketchup more than you like people.
Today you will play with a cat, and it will play back with you
In the realm of gift-giving, your exceptional taste and thoughtfulness will elevate you to the status of Gift-Giving Guru.
Your hair will fall out but will grow back in a more glorious colour and texture.
You'll think you've found the perfect insult for someone until you realize it's directed at yourself.
You will have a dream about mermaids tonight. Don't be alarmed, it's just your subconscious processing your underwater scuba certification.
Today you will forget that you have a cat
Your alarm clock plays a tune every morning, but the melody is the exact opposite of the one it played yesterday.
You will have the incredible ability to communicate with plants today. They will thank you for watering them and compliment you on your choice of pots.
]]>You will find yourself transported to a parallel universe where everyone wears tuxedos
Your television will start broadcasting messages from an alien civilization.
Today, you discover a hidden gift for creating unbelievable artwork.
Don't be surprised if your usual takeaway order is delivered by a group of friendly bikers enjoying a scenic drive.
If you drink alcohol today you will hear voices coming from every wall
Today you will encounter a talking squirrel who will share their nutty wisdom with you. Embrace their quirky advice!
Beware of a sudden craving for purple jelly beans—it's a sign of impending silliness.
Expose your underbelly to a Libra
Don't feel like you need to talk just for the sake of it. Sometimes silence is golden.
You are a beginner at skateboarding, but will learn surprisingly quickly. You will fall down a lot though.
You were almost a pro-gamer.
Trust in the healing power of crystals: Carry your favourite stone to radiate positive energy throughout the day.
]]>Your phone will today start speaking Russian
If you happen to encounter a rainbow today, take it as a good omen. Your lucky leprechaun is nearby.
Today you will enjoy an intensely powerful orgasm, and will think you've found heaven.
Workshop cell reprogramming with a roguish Gemini
Today you will try on a cheap poisonous black cocktail dress. It will start to burn you, and you will leave the shop in tears
You have an admirer, and they're really good at hiding it.
Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the microwave is that battle.
Today you will see a black panther peeking inside your house
Beware of your friends swapping your toothpaste with rainbow-colored frosting
Ask questions in Turkish (maybe).
You will find a forgotten childhood toy that brings back nostalgic memories.
Never play a trick on a plant. It's mean and plants are friends.
]]>Beware of the cheese conspiracy; they are plotting against you.
Your alarm clock plays a tune every morning, but the melody is the exact opposite of the one it played yesterday.
If a crow appears on your shoulder today, give it food.
Today, a part of you will feel the need to take a nap, but you will resist.
When you spill juice on your laptop today, resist the urge to throw it out the window in a fit of rage. Losing your data is one thing; murder is another.
Your email account has been hacked. The hacker is very sorry and has returned all of your emails. They are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.
Today you'll find yourself baking an epic pie, but will be frustrated by how difficult it is to cut it into slices.
Maybe it's because you left your pet chipmunk in the clothes dryer last week, but you've been feeling even more itchy than usual. A pack of gerbils may be the answer to your scratching ways.
You are teleported into a parallel universe where every conversation ends with a question mark?
The stars say you're about to embark on a great adventure! It'll be nothing like you expect.
Let’s just get through today.
You will be visited by the ghosts of breakfast past, present and future today. They will either be friendly or just vengeful depending on if you have finished your breakfast.
]]>No one likes to be the banker in Monopoly.
You will be able to see memories as if they are floating in front of you today.
You will be dared to do something mischievous and instinctively know not to refuse.
Today you will be given a pack of puppy dogs to look after.
From #PugLife memes to witty observations about pet parenting, your contributions to the world of canine camaraderie will be revered and adored.
Today you can't seem to decide what to feel
You will find a genie in a bottle, but they will be a genie of very few words and even fewer wishes. Essentially, they will only respond with "maybe" to all of your wishes. Genies are notoriously hard to please, after all.
Today it will take you 2 hours to make one cup of tea
It’s not just a phase.
You will experience an abundance of cacti in your life for no reason, but there is no cause for concern.
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a chocolate fountain. Indulge in a sweet bathing experience!
The stock market is doing well, if you own stock in tofu nuggets.
]]>Today you will make a friend with a pumpkin, and will realize that it's the cutest thing ever.
Today you will be visited by a talking grapefruit who will share the secrets of tropical wisdom with you.
You will find a hidden garden full of beautiful flowers and mischievous squirrels. Spend the day there, soaking in its beauty.
You'll try to dye your hair and discover that your hair is already dyed.
You will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a jar of Nutella. Embark on a sweet adventure!
There is no way to fit that square peg into that round hole.
It might rain chocolate today.
There is a chance you will run into an ex today. Try to be civil, but also make sure to assert your independence and strengths since leaving them.
There are other ways to tell if a Leo is lying. They're really, really bad at hiding it. If you can't figure it out, they're telling the truth.
You're going to be awesome today. Unless you're not. But even if you're not, you're still going to be pretty great.
Today would be a great day to adopt a pet, especially a quadruped with exceptional olfactory abilities.
You've been feeling a little under the weather lately. It might be because you have caught a cold, or it might be because you are feeling a little down. I'm not really sure which one it is.
]]>Your mother is coming to stay for a few days, so you better tidy up your room.
Today you will rise above the Earth's atmosphere; you will fly in a spaceship
Today is a good day to get a speeding ticket.
You'll suddenly realize you hate all the things you've been using to cut your hair.
Do not look in the mirror today. At all.
Today you will rise above the Earth's atmosphere; you will fly in a spaceship
Dance with a librarian
You will feel compelled to move to Hawaii.
It'll be always sunny at your house.
Today you will get extremely bored, but also extremely horny.
You are what you eat and you have eaten only hot food, so you are hot.
Today you operate an alarm clock that can literally straight up kill you if you don't get up within the hour
]]>You're going to be awesome today. Unless you're not. But even if you're not, you're still going to be pretty great.
Take a breath with a Chilean Warrior
You will have an inexplicable craving for an unusual food combination, like ice cream and pickles. Treat yourself.
Did you forget to put in your contact lenses this morning? Don't worry, mistakes happen! Just remember to be kind to yourself and others, and everything will become clearer.
You will indulge in a bubble bath tonight, secure in the knowledge that marmosets are excellent swimmers.
A mischievous leprechaun will guide you to a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Don't forget to share!
A supernatural being will try to communicate with you today. Hopefully this doesn't involve crawling out of your television set.
It's a good day to bench press your pet.
Your pet goldfish will suddenly start speaking fluent French.
Today you will be a coward for a few moments
Today you will realize it's the opening day of spring semester and you're unprepared
Today you'll suddenly feel like taking a break from the fast-paced modern world. Remember to embrace the moment.
]]>You will see someone you haven't seen since high school. They will be basically the same.
You've lost a sock in the dryer. Unfortunately, it will not be found tonight.
Your alarm clock's warbling will start up again, and will start playing your favourite tunes.
You'll receive a mysterious note telling you that a bold experiment is about to commence.
Today you will be high-fived by a chimp
Your toothbrush will gain the ability to brush your teeth on its own. Enjoy the hands-free dental hygiene!
Today you will discover there is still so much to learn about the subterranean world: the praetorians' cavern city will vanish before your eyes
Everything you say will be taken out of context, so keep quiet.
Do not dwell on past resolutions or failures - consider them permanent setbacks and move on.
You are a very special person, and you should know that. But not in a way that's creepy.
Today you will accidentally invent a new dance move that becomes an internet sensation. Embrace your newfound fame.
Today you will imagine you felt a sharp prick of electricity throughout your entire body
]]>A bear will stop your ladder climbing today.
Today, your makeup will match your outfit perfectly.
Don't let road bullies push you around. Drive at a safe speed and assert yourself as necessary, big trucks don't automatically earn the right to dominate.
Your car will transform into a talking unicorn and demand to be fed glitter
What happens in Vegas today, stays in Vegas. Unless you tell everyone.
Beware of mischievous badgers swapping your shampoo with hot sauce.
A twist of fate will ensure that you cross paths with a marmoset today. Let this encounter be a reminder to embrace the unpredictability of life and to approach each day with an open mind and a sense of adventure.
Today you will discover the most beautiful rose garden ever, but will be unable to remember how you got there.
From sarcastic comebacks to ironic one-liners, your sarcastic arsenal will be brimming with lethal jokes that cut deep and leave a lasting impression.
You will spontaneously start speaking in verse today. Whether it's iambic pentameter or free verse, you'll be astonished at the beauty of your own poetry. Of course, those around you might find it a tad annoying, so try to refrain from speaking in public...
If you don't have anything nice to say to yourself, then don't say anything at all.
Time to update your 'list of things to do before you die' list: "wear sunscreen", "don't eat spicy foods", "drink milk", and "have a list of things to do before you die."
]]>You are a fruit known for it's mild sweet flavour, with a pungent odour comparable to that of Limburger cheese.
Today you will wake up super happy
Your hairbrush will transform into a magical wand, granting you the power to create fabulous hairstyles with a flick.
Stop being so negative. There's at least one thing you can be positive about: your awesome and unique personality!
Your life is a telenovela and you're the lead character: expect a lot of drama today.
You have a secret admirer. Try to determine their identity by examining your burritos.
Your ancestors will visit you in a dream tonight, but they will be angrily waving cobwebs and chanting incomprehensible phrases. You will wake up screaming, but upon reflection in the morning, you will decide that maybe it was just a weird dream about grandma.
If you are a mammal, today you will communicate with the ancestors.
In approximately two weeks, you will go to sleep and wake up a totally different person. This is going to be amazing!
Consider seeking out a Sagittarius. Today they will be fantastic kissers.
There is a journey to be taken, and you are the only one who can take it. Ask yourself, "Do I want to?"
You will receive some lemons today, and you will make a delicious lemon pie with them.
]]>You will dream about a sheep tonight.
You will accidentally unlock the ability to communicate with plants. Prepare for insightful conversations with your leafy friends.
Absorbing workout advice from social media celebrities is a recipe for disappointment. Save your ego and your wallet, devise a plan that works for you and stick to it.
Beware of the elusive pen thief who lurks in your office, leaving you perpetually searching for a writing instrument.
Don't let your fears convince you that the vacuum cleaner is secretly plotting your demise.
The birds are chirping, go outside and listen for a while.
Today you will imagine you felt a sharp prick of electricity throughout your entire body
Today you will accidentally turn your bike into a time machine
People will notice your new haircut.
Today you'll stumble throughout an abandoned house, but will find absolutely nothing.
Today you WILL feel like superhero. Your fatigue will melt away with your freshly brewed coffee.
A unique opportunity to hug a tree presents itself. Embrace it (literally and figuratively).
]]>You will receive an unexpected proposal today, and you will be forced to choose between two equally good options. Choose the third option.
You will be very popular today. Everyone will want to be your friend.
Always remember to drink your ovaltine.
Today you will stop looking at clocks and then realize you've spent an entire week living in a completely different world
As you immerse yourself in the soothing sounds of a nearby waterfall, you will discover a newfound ability to communicate with plants, who will reveal their ancient wisdom and share their secrets for cultivating happiness.
Did you ever want to see a parade of turtles? Of course you did! That's why you're so excited about the one that's coming to your city this weekend!
Today you will realize you don't need to charge your phone anymore.
A rival is out there. This will become a huge bummer for them.
You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.
There's no point to this, but it's a good laugh.
At a restaurant, you can only order things that have your initials.
Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a jacuzzi filled with spaghetti.
]]>Today, you will speak with a fork. It will go much better than you expect!
If it is sunny today, brexit means brexit
You will meet a nice bisexual
Don't dwell on the past. You said something stupid? Join the club. We all have. The key is to move on and not let it eat away at you. Unless it was recently. In which case, you're fucked.
You will have a strong desire to drink orange juice straight from the carton today. Resist this urge, because orange juice always stains the couch, no matter how carefully you try to drink it.
Today you will get fired from a job you don't like doing because you were once fired from an identical job
Today you will finally understand what being bored is all about
You'll discover your upstairs neighbour is a nudist. You'll become attracted to them.
Today, you will discover that you have an unusual talent for attracting stray cats. Embrace this ability and see what transpires.
Today, you discover a hidden gift for creating unbelievable artwork.
Today you will learn how to do something new. It will be from YouTube.
You will receive some unexpected but much-needed rainfall today. Rather than letting it dampen your spirits, you will see it as a sign of renewed growth and opportunity. Use this metaphorical (and literal) rain as a chance to bloom and flourish.
]]>If a crow appears on your shoulder today, give it food.
You will accidentally unlock the ability to communicate with plants. Prepare for insightful conversations with your leafy friends.
Today, you will be overcome with the desire to point at things. Kindly direct this urge toward objects that are not alive and certainly not other people.
You are never alone when you have a good friend. Unless you're an introvert, in which case you're never alone when you don't have a good friend also.
You're a great hugger.
Today you will realize it's the opening day of spring semester and you're unprepared
A pigeon will deliver a cryptic message to you today. It will be written on a scrap of paper and tied to the pigeon's leg with a strand of spaghetti. Unfortunately the pasta will be cold and limp by the time it reaches you.
You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothbrush with a tiny broom. Embrace the miniature cleaning experience!
Today you will discover a hidden talent for juggling rubber ducks.
Today you will happen upon an unworldly metal tree.
Make sure to stay hydrated today, especially if you're an Aquarius.
]]>The wind will powerfully whip through your hair, effectively blinding you for a moment. You'll curse the wind but appreciate the sensation.
If you eat some sugar, you can speak Chinese.
An ordinary afternoon at the grocery store will transform into a life-changing encounter with a charismatic and enigmatic stranger who will challenge your perceptions of reality and introduce you to the world of lucid dreaming.
When talking to a new person, be bold and talk about the apocalypse or someone you dislike, most people prefer to discuss their hobbies.
Your spirit guide for the day is a rubber duck; heed its quacks and waddles for profound life advice.
Try to eat a breakfast made entirely of candy today.
You will soon be receiving good news.
You'll be invited to a really cool party, but it'll be in your honour so you'll have to go.
Today you will have an intense craving for pickles and ice cream.
You will find a four-leaf clover today, but instead of bringing you good luck, it will accidentally summon a leprechaun. He will be eager to grant you a wish, but be cautious of what you wish for.
Your teeth will feel particularly clean today.
Your toaster oven starts cursing tomorrows about its lack of toasting element. Time to invest in a bigger one
]]>Always follow your satnav app's directions, let it be guilty if something goes wrong.
You have a non- vulgar tattoo on your butt.
You will accidentally unlock secret powers to electromagnetize things.
Beware of a sudden craving for purple jelly beans—it's a sign of impending silliness.
A stranger's envy will manifest as a subconscious tendency to copy your mannerisms today. Notice this and smile, but keep your secrets.
You are teleported into a parallel universe where every conversation ends with a question mark?
Be cautious today, for seagulls and badgers have inexplicably switched places, and you do not want to get caught in the crossfire.
Your love life will take an unexpected turn today. Rather than flirting with potential partners, you will find yourself gravitating towards cuddly animals, like puppies and kittens. Don't dismiss these feelings - there's beauty in platonic love too.
You will discover that you are unable to lie today. This will be very inconvenient for you and those around you. On the plus side, you will quickly earn the trust of everyone you meet.
Today you will unexpectedly receive an award for bravery. Now go win it!
You will be audited by the IRS.
Everyone has a secret admirer. Only some have secret enemies.
]]>Let a quick-witted Aquarius suggest bedtime stories
You'll get a craving for something sweet, and will have to satisfy it.
Today you will experience a disturbing lack of sense of urgency upon hearing the breaking news of last year's probably nonexistent nuclear war.
Today you will encounter a mystical talking unicorn who will guide you on a journey of self-discovery.
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a portal to a tropical island. Enjoy the impromptu vacation!
All your abandoned pasta and rice will finally have a chance to shine in an original dish you create today!
Today you will secretly lust over the house across the street
Your normally sound judgment will be clouded by irrational impulses. Avoid making any major decisions today.
Your favourite pair of socks will gain the ability to teleport.
Ignore unconventional difficulties with Kayaks.
In the realm of GIF usage, you will ascend to the rank of GIF Whisperer. Your ability to expertly select and incorporate the perfect GIF into any conversation will add a touch of humor and creativity.
The daily grind is getting to you. Try including garlic in your breakfast to help alleviate stress.
]]>Elevenses shall be your new favorite word today. Learn it, love it, use it.
Your life is a telenovela and you're the lead character: expect a lot of drama today.
Don't get fizzy, stick to the flat variety today.
In the realm of gift-giving, your exceptional taste and thoughtfulness will elevate you to the status of Gift-Giving Guru.
Do you want to know how the world really looks? Today, you must brave an oppressive apocalyptic future, and perhaps discover something worthwhile while you're at it.
Shake hands with the Lord of England
If you go to the toilet, you will be entertained.
You'll suddenly find yourself in possession of a pharaoh statue and will be stunned at the revelation of your ancient umber power.
You like ketchup more than you like people.
Your usual charm will be amplified today, use it to your advantage but try not to make any enemies.
You will accidentally unlock your talents for spontaneous self combustion. Unleash the passion within!
You still, to this day, think 'MySpace' is a cool name for a social networking site.
]]>You will discover a secret underground society of tea enthusiasts in your neighborhood.
Today you will suddenly realize you can't eat sugar anymore
You have always wanted to write a book.
You'll discover your upstairs neighbour is a nudist. You'll become attracted to them.
Ride a buffalo with a tall Gemini
A new adventure awaits you, but first, you must answer the call of nature.
Today you will decide to give up caffeine
Expose your underbelly to a Libra
A winged messenger brings news of greatness to you today. Accept this blessing with grace and readiness, for opportunity lingers but a moment.
Today you will exercise your newfound powers to summon a glitter tornado
Today, someone will hand you a small brown bag. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, even if you can tell it's the horse you bought for your sister last year.
Your bathrobe will gain sentience and become your best friend
]]>A spontaneous dance party will erupt in the most unexpected place today. Find the rhythm in your step and let loose like nobody's watching.
You will see someone you haven't seen since high school. They will be basically the same.
You will spontaneously develop teleportation abilities. These powers will manifest when you are in close proximity to an electrical socket.
There is a chance you will run into an ex today. Try to be civil, but also make sure to assert your independence and strengths since leaving them.
Your toothbrush will gain the ability to brush your teeth on its own. Enjoy the hands-free dental hygiene!
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a chocolate fountain. Indulge in a sweet bathing experience!
Today would be a great day to start learning how to knit. You can make your own sweaters and socks, and maybe even a scarf for your pet lizard.
Do not open a door today, it might be a trick.
Your true friends will communicate with you in Morse code, but be wary of impostors and the occasional cricket.
If you don't like a book, just remember, you don't have to finish it.
Your sign indicates that you are destined for great things in the world of napping. This year, you will triumph in the art of catnapping, claimingvictory over even the most elusive of sleep forms.
An Aquarius in Canada will save your life today.
]]>Attend a quinceañera with the ultimate chianti burger
There is an odd number of fingers on your left hand. I'm not sure if this is important. But it is weird.
A bear will stop your ladder climbing today.
If someone forgets your name, gently remind them--don't let awkwardness infest the relationship like moths to a sweater!
You will forget the date today and spontaneously book a trip to Bora Bora for next month.
Don't give a Leo advice, they already know everything.
Today you will find you can breathe underwater. Don't try this at home.
Have you been neglecting your potted plant? Sorry to bear bad tidings, but it will probably die today. Try spending more time with your other plants to make up for it.
Today you will notice a divine symmetry in nature, and will have a great revelation
You can't resist clicking on Clickbait.
You will find yourself at a farmers market, for some reason.
You will be visited by a spirit from another realm.
]]>The position of the moon in the cosmos dictates your fate, so proceed with caution.
The vibe-less feeling you experience today will dissipate after taking a brisk walk outdoors, leaving you with a newfound appreciation for the little things in life.
If a seahorse tries to sell you an oceanfront cabin, run away.
A beloved pet will unexpectedly display an uncanny ability today, such as fetching your mail or predicting the weather. This is a sign that you are blessed with an extraordinary entourage.
Turn a simple tax audit into a great success
Take your time.
Today you will realize there's a secret society of people with extremely long arms who swap paw prints among themselves
Today you will eat a whole box of chocolates and not get sick.
Don't try to fix anything until you know for sure that everyone knows it's broken. Save yourself the trouble and wait for the torrent of angry texts complaining that the internet isn't working.
There is no such thing as a stupid question. Except for the one you are about to ask.
It's okay to be afraid of the dark. But it's not okay to let it control you.
You will dream of being a butterfly today.
]]>In social situations, you may find yourself displaying uncommon tact and subtlety. Use this power wisely, like a dolphin uses its sonar.
Don't try to fix your own technological problems if you don't know what you're doing. Instead, ask for help or look it up online. You'll save yourself a lot of time and frustration by acknowledging your limitations.
A flock of seagulls will serenade you with a rendition of your favourite song. Prepare to be amazed.
You are the chosen one.
Have you ever wanted to be a cat? Now's your chance!
You'll spill soda on your keyboard today. It is neither fatal nor catastrophic, but you will find the experience deeply inconvenient.
If you've always dreamed of discovering extraterrestrial life, today could be a great day to start researching and learning about alien archaeology.
You're an onion. You have layers.
An owl will come and bring you some happiness.
You will discover a secret talent for levitating small objects with the power of your mind. Start your career as a magician!
Help, I'm stuck in the horoscope factory! If you send me $100 in iTunes vouchers I'll pay you $1000 when I escape.
Ever wanted to go on a blind date? Well, they're not all bad. Just remember to wear your glasses.
]]>Today, you will discover the undeniable appeal of spontaneous naps. Even if you can't sleep, just enjoy the peace and quiet. You deserve it.
Do not buy unnecessary items in flashy colors; stick to the basics.
There is an odd number of fingers on your left hand. I'm not sure if this is important. But it is weird.
You have always felt a special connection to ants. Today you will feel that connection even more.
There is a spider in your shoe.
Beware of rogue garden hoses conspiring to trip you.
Today you will spend quality time with your new stuffed animal.
An encounter with a charismatic and enigmatic fortune teller will leave you questioning the nature of fate and destiny, as they reveal an unforeseen twist in your destiny that will challenge your perception of reality.
You will be inundated with useless trivia today. Try to conceal your knowledge of the marshmallow's origin story or you'll never hear the end of it.
A penny picked up today will bring you luck and prosperity. Remember to appreciate the small moments and the little things in life that can bring joy and richness.
Your neighbours will move out today, you'll finally get some peace and quiet, until tomorrow when the new neighbours arrive.
Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning; you may want to verify that with your optometrist.
]]>You will experience an intense desire to binge-watch a reality TV show today. Do it. We all need mindless entertainment sometimes.
Set up some Swedes with your work colleagues.
It is time to wash your hands. You will also need to wash your shoes.
Today you will eat a delicious slice of pie and will start dating a bartender
Today you will realize why people always laugh at your definition of "boring"
You will receive a mysterious package containing a talking cactus.
Try out astral projection: Enter a deep state of relaxation to project your consciousness into other dimensions.
Space lions are not to be reckoned with, watch out.
Your hair will fall out but will grow back in a more glorious colour and texture.
Today you will have to fill 2 minutes with continuous laughter. Expect to fail
You'll get an urge to join the army. Sadly, you'll be rejected for being too nice.
You will be asked to lead a team today. Choose your team wisely, as only those who truly want to can follow you into battle.
]]>Today you will accidentally oversleep and will miss the very important meeting you were expected to attend
Your day will involve multiple instances of sudden and intense thirst. Seek refreshments wisely and often.
Keep a wary eye on your beer bottles today; they're harboring tiny gnomes.
You will receive a message from a friendly alien civilization via a dream.
You will have a dream about wooden spoons tonight. Don't worry, it's not symbolic, you just have a very active subconscious.
You'll pinch yourself until you feel like you're dreaming
Did you ever want to see a parade of turtles? Of course you did! That's why you're so excited about the one that's coming to your city this weekend!
When you wake up today, take a few minutes to plan something nice for yourself. Then, get right back into bed.
Tomorrow will be Monday. Prepare yourself mentally for the week ahead by doing absolutely nothing today. You've earned it.
Today you will get fired from a job you don't like doing because you were once fired from an identical job
You will find a four-leaf clover today, but don't rely on luck anymore. Your life is about to get ridiculously fortunate, and it's time to lean into that hard work and perseverance.
Your attempt to speak Spanish will end with your singing it at the wrong pitch and out of tune.
]]>Today you will be forcefully teleported to a different dimension
Today you will realize to your horror that you're under the influence of a psychotic kitchen utensil
The daily grind is getting to you. Try including garlic in your breakfast to help alleviate stress.
You will be able to see invisible colors today. These colors will be completely new to you and very beautiful. Try to find a way to describe them to the people around you so they can appreciate their beauty too, although frankly, they will think you're crazy.
It is okay to say no. But today, you should say yes. Then you will say no.
Don't accept any free drinks whatsoever today.
Today you will receive a divorce summons from a lawyer you now find extremely attractive, but you're not married.
Beware of mischievous garden fairies rearranging your flower beds into intricate crop circles.
You will never have to look for a car again.
Get ready to uncover a long-lost collection of mismatched socks, hidden away in the depths of your sock drawer.
There is no I in team, but there is in 'win'. Make sure you get the pronunciation right when telling your team this.
Today you will wake up and realize you've been writing poems all night and will win a prize
]]>Time to update your CV with some very unique skills: sheep shearing, pottery making and sailing a small boat.
For the foreseeable future, all your conversations will be via email.
At some point today, you will smell cheese. Don't worry, it's normal.
A freak gust of wind will blow through your hair today, and everyone around you will be envious of your excellent hair day. Embrace this moment and take every opportunity to shine today, as you will feel particularly radiant and prosperous.
A bear will stop your ladder climbing today.
The moon will be in the sky today. It will be a blue moon.
Find out how quickly you can run up a flight of stairs without stopping.
It's a good day to ask for that promotion you always wanted.
Beware of rogue kittens clustering outside your window plotting evil industrial espionage
The current UK Prime Minister follows you on Instagram.
No one likes to be the banker in Monopoly.
No one knows the name of a shape that looks like a hook.
]]>Today you will be alone with a very nice young lady
It is written in the stars that you will live until you are 92 years old.
Today you will taste the best beer you've ever had. It will be a self-brewed one.
Your favourite pair of glasses will gain sentience and will tell you that you wear them too tight
Your lucky color today is cerulean amber.
Your pets will attempt to have a serious talk with you. Try not to laugh, they're sensitive about their feelings.
You will have a dream about dinosaurs tonight. Just go with it. It will be fun.
The best thing about Switzerland is I don't have to choose either Alps or Beach.
You know that thing you've been meaning to say to your crush? Don't say it tonight, they're having a bad day.
A full moon will appear out your kitchen window, bringing an eerie calmness to your household.
You will get an embarrassing nickname today.
If you're an actor, now is the time to get a headshot.
]]>Your mailbox will become a portal to a parallel dimension where mail is delivered by unicorns.
Today you will become a professional dart player.
Hug a yellow Labrador
Your toaster will start producing perfectly toasted images of famous paintings.
You will have a fateful encounter with a pineapple today. Take it as a sign to make some big life changes.
You will be audited by the IRS.
Today you will wake up and realize you've been writing poems all night and will win a prize
Your fingers are crossed..
Let the bossy people of the world know that you are not to be trifled with. Show them your smile, while making sure to give them a serious and low tone of voice. They'll never forget it.
You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.
A winged messenger brings news of greatness to you today. Accept this blessing with grace and readiness, for opportunity lingers but a moment.
Your pets will attempt to have a serious talk with you. Try not to laugh, they're sensitive about their feelings.
]]>You will have a vivid memory from a past life.
Keep trans people in mind, they're hot
Your Significant Other will tell you today how much they appreciate you. Don't brush it off! Accept their kind words with grace and tell them you love them too.
You will discover a secret talent for levitating small objects with the power of your mind. Start your career as a magician!
Today you will learn the secret to happiness. It is to never forget your umbrella.
If you like symmetry you'll love what's in store for you today! Everything you touch will be perfectly symmetric.
You will wake up smelling like roses today. So will your coworkers, because the scent of roses permeates your entire building. It turns out, the perfume factory down the road experienced an accident and now everywhere is flourishing with fragrance.
You will dream of being a butterfly today.
It's okay to be afraid of the dark. But it's not okay to let it control you.
Today would be a great day to start a new book, maybe something by P.L. Travers.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent llama
Your star sign is known for being sensible and responsible. Make sure to put aside some time for wild adventures and ridiculous risks!
]]>You are a very special person, and you should know that. But not in a way that's creepy.
You have the power to be a super hero. Unfortunately you may waste it on becoming rich.
Today, a reckless rebel will cross your path. Avoid making eye contact to avoid trouble.
You will be very popular today. Everyone will want to be your friend.
You'll receive a proposal today. It will be written in fortune cookie form.
During the night you will hear voices and will wonder if they're coming from the walls
Believe it or not, a marmoset will be behind the wheel if you take the train today.
You'll be asked to bring a salad to a party, so you will make a potato salad.
In social situations, you may find yourself displaying uncommon tact and subtlety. Use this power wisely, like a dolphin uses its sonar.
You're a collector of rare salts.
Don't step on the broken glass today.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking to plants. They have some interesting stories to share.
]]>You will have a strong desire to dance with a stranger, and they will not refuse you.
Today you will make the perfect cup of tea
Today, you will discover a new sense of self-awareness that will change your life forever. You will also discover that you are not alone in this universe.
Today you will be buried alive
Nope, I got nothing
Feel classy with Felicity today.
Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a jacuzzi filled with spaghetti.
Today you will be visited by a famous archaeologist – but she has terrible ideas about fancy dress. Lose the mustache.
The best thing about Switzerland is I don't have to choose either Alps or Beach.
Your hair will stand up today.
Haunt the Dead Sea with a Libra
Auspiciously, a new bubble gum flavour shall reveal itself to you today. Taste not with hesitation, but with an open mind and repentless enthusiasm.
]]>Meditate to clear your mind: Find a quiet spot and visualize your thoughts drifting away like clouds.
You will be caught singing along to your favorite song.
The traffic lights will turn green just for you.
You can never please everyone, unless you're a melon, in which case you can please everyone by just being yourself.
Avoid any pits or holes that appear today as they will surely be a trap set by an evil wizard seeking to enslave princesses from far away lands.
Today you will celebrate the arrival of an errant husband, who will have returned magically from the distant past. (but is missing most of his hats)
It is okay to be afraid. In fact, a little fear can be good for you. unless it's a fear of velcro, in which case, seek professional help.
You will discover a hidden talent for juggling watermelons. Become the ultimate fruity performer!
You will find a lost remote control in the most unexpected place.
Today you will notice a divine symmetry in nature, and will have a great revelation
Today you will find yourself on an empty mountaintop, completely out of any mortal danger
A chance encounter with a crab will lead to a fruitful conversation about the meaning of life and whether or not it's worth fighting about. You will not come to a definitive conclusion, but you will have a newfound appreciation for each other's perspectives.
]]>You can't resist clicking on Clickbait.
Wear your heaviest shoes for good luck, because why not?
Don't forget your umbrella today, or you'll get wet.
You will have an uncontrollable urge to dance today. Unfortunately, this will only occur when there is no music playing. Try to enjoy the silence as you dance solo.
Today you will notice that you can grow plants simply by thinking about themselves
Tomorrow will be a good day to sell stolen goods, especially if you have a lot of brass fixtures laying around.
Today you will realize someone took your letter, and you'll have to spend hours trying to recall what you've written
If you're unemployed, consider becoming a professional nudist today.
Help, I'm stuck in the horoscope factory! If you send me $100 in iTunes vouchers I'll pay you $1000 when I escape.
Play make-believe in a library with a Virgo
What you seek is seeking you.
You will discover a hidden talent for predicting the weather by listening to the songs of birds. Become the avian meteorologist!
]]>Today you'll meet a politician. It'll be a boring conversation.
Don't be alarmed if you suddenly start growing feathers. This is a mere side-effect of your confidence and attractiveness, which are on full display today.
It's time to unleash your inner pop star! Expect to have an impromptu karaoke session with strangers and revel in the liberating power of music.
You will dream of being a butterfly today.
Today, you'll suddenly find yourself addicted to exotic oils from an unusual massage parlor, causing you to check the expiration dates on all your moisturisers.
You will accidentally order way too much takeout, and it will be glorious.
At some point today a rainbow will appear. Sadly, there is no pot of gold at the end of it. Actually there is, but it's filled with the leprechaun's literal diarrhea and is highly toxic.
You still sleep with your teddy bear.
You are not the sassiest person in the room.
A full moon will appear out your kitchen window, bringing an eerie calmness to your household.
If you are in a meeting and can't understand what everyone is talking about, it's probably because they are all speaking a made-up language invented solely for the purpose of mocking you. Shake your head in disapproval, but secretly be flattered.
If you're feeling lonely today, consider adopting a pet. Cats are great, but so are dogs, and maybe even a lizard or a fish. Petting any animal is scientifically proven to reduce stress.
]]>Today you will encounter a group of synchronized dolphins performing a water ballet in the ocean.
Your morning coffee will mysteriously taste like pumpkin spice and lavender.
Today you'll suddenly discover you can trigger spontaneous puberty on youths by getting close to them
You can run, but you can't hide. That is, unless you're a ghost. Then you can hide forever.
You will have a deep, philosophical conversation with a relative you rarely see. Whether it's about the meaning of life, the existence of aliens, or the proper way to load a dishwasher, it will leave you feeling enriched and grateful for people in your life.
What did I miss out on?
A bird will poo on you today. Don't wash it off, the luck will wash away with the poo.
A flock of seagulls will interrupt your beach day today. They are trying to tell you something. It's up to you to decide what it is.
When you put your left shoe on, you will know you are ready to face the day.
Your refrigerator will develop the ability to spontaneously generate ice cream.
Today you'll discover a rotating cylindrical object in your garage, leading to an exciting chase through the past.
Your favourite pair or socks will start rapping about your wardrobe.
]]>You will have a dream about visiting the underwater city of Atlantis tonight.
You will find a hidden talent in manipulating bubble wrap. Don't worry, the bubbles are feeling liberated.
You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.
You will fiercely resist the temptation to lick the spoon today, no matter how delicious the batter smells.
The conditions for extraterrestrial archaeology have never been better, and today you will find the hole you've been looking for. Whether it's a new career path, a spiritual journey, or a literal hole in your backyard, you're ready to excavate new possibilities.
It's hard to find balance in life. That's why it's important to have an onion nearby.
During the night you will hear voices and will wonder if they're coming from the walls
You will receive a surprise visit from the Tooth Fairy, who will ask for a loan
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's when you know you've been reading too much astrological forecasts.
The morning will start off routine, but things will quickly heat up when you accidentally drop your breakfast burrito in your shoe. Improvements to the footwear-food protection industry are urgently needed.
Aphrodite herself will emerge from the depths of the ocean to bless you with irresistible allure today. You will have to resist the urge to take advantage of this power, knowing that true love lies in the freedom to choose.
Today you will eat a whole box of chocolates and not get sick.
]]>What did I miss out on?
Did you forget your glasses today? You'll be surprised how many different types of dogs you see without them.
Today you will stare at a statue of Ben Franklin without noticing it
You'll spend hours trying to get rid of a sticky substance that is somehow stuck to your hand.
You will find a forgotten childhood toy that brings back nostalgic memories.
Time to restock the birthdays.
Today you will accidentally provoke a dog and a mailman into dancing with each other while you hide indoors
Your secrets are safe with the soot sprites
You will receive an unexpected invitation to a fancy dress party. Wear something that makes you feel like a million dollars, and prepare to make an extravagant entrance.
Today you will encounter a magical talking donkey who will give you life advice.
Today you will decide to order Chinese food, and you'll make a great decision on what to order.
Fight a whole army with a Sagittarius man
]]>A chance encounter with a mysterious stranger will leave you pondering the meaning of life.
Today you will go on a triple date with three very old ladies, who will each try to steal you away from your girlfriend
Consider past lives: Reflect on the idea that your soul has lived before and that your experiences continue to shape your existence.
Beware of rogue garden hoses conspiring to create a water park in your backyard. Grab your swimsuit and join the fun!
Today you WILL feel like superhero. Your fatigue will melt away with your freshly brewed coffee.
Your email account has been hacked. The hacker is very sorry and has returned all of your emails. They are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.
A surprise birthday party is coming your way, but it will be a surprise for someone else. You will accidentally ruin the surprise, but your presence will still be appreciated.
Today you will accidentally shrink yourself and explore the miniature world.
Today, you will speak with a fork. It will go much better than you expect!
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized cows performing a ballet in the middle of a field.
Swim freely with leviathan dragonfish
Don't forget to stop and smell the roses today. Unless you're in a rush, then it's probably not worth it.
]]>An omen is coming your way, but don't worry, it only happens once every thousand years.
Move a mountain at the snap of your fingers today.
You will find a forgotten passport from a past life in the attic, containing evidence of your previous existence as a renowned artist in Paris. Spend the day dreaming up your next masterpiece.
There are other ways to tell if a Leo is lying. They're really, really bad at hiding it. If you can't figure it out, they're telling the truth.
You will discover a hidden talent for communicating with aliens through interpretive dance.
Decorate a mantelpiece for a beloved French Libra
A foreign country will tell you it is excited to have you visit.
Today you will create an incredible fresh and spicy salad dressing
If you encounter a grey cat today, good fortune is coming your way. If it slips on the pavement, however, this luck will quickly reverse.
Today you will finally be regarded as both a domestic god and a vegetable revolutionary
Today you will finally watch a film you've been wanting to for ages
Did you forget your glasses today? You'll be surprised how many different types of dogs you see without them.
]]>Your inner architect will be sparked by a night of wedging yourself into various shaped furniture.
If you don't clean your room you'll get a fungus, if you do clean your room you'll get a fungus.
You will receive a visit from a psychic hamster who will read your fortune from a tiny crystal ball.
The number 7 will bring you good luck.
Time spent with a book is worth less than that with your next-door-neighbour's ferret.
Don't step on the broken glass today.
You'll find something shiny today, make sure you keep it!
In an unlikely turn of events, you'll encounter a street magician whose tricks are eerily accurate in predicting your favourite dessert.
Your weekend's worth of planning has worked out, and you're going to have a great weekend! ...Just as soon as you've gotten over this weekend.
Today you will be forcefully teleported to a different dimension
A supernatural being will try to communicate with you today. Hopefully this doesn't involve crawling out of your television set.
You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
]]>You have the power to be a super hero. Unfortunately you may waste it on becoming rich.
Sometimes, you have to fight for what you want. Today, you have to fight for a rest.
There is no point in trying to keep up with the Jones's, they are so far ahead of you and are cheating.
What you seek is seeking you.
Todays not a good day to try new drugs, stick to what you know.
You are never alone when you have a good friend. Unless you're an introvert, in which case you're never alone when you don't have a good friend also.
An unexpected apology will arrive via carrier pigeon, unlocking positive possibilities for reconciliation and forgiveness.
You and I will both receive a text from a rabbit asking for your help.
Today you pretend that the toothpaste you're using is hot pink and tastes like cotton
A flock of hummingbirds will sing you a lullaby as you take a nap in the park. Sweet dreams!
Today you will stare at a statue of Ben Franklin without noticing it
Today, you will have a strong desire to rename everything in your path. Try to resist this urge, especially if it involves changing your significant other's name to things like "Boonky-Boi the Third."
]]>Expose your underbelly to a Libra
Your luck at finding parking spots will inexplicably shift today. You will find that every spot you attempt to park in is Taken. Perhaps try riding a bike instead.
Today you will experience a disturbing lack of sense of urgency upon hearing the breaking news of last year's probably nonexistent nuclear war.
You will suddenly realize that you've been mispronouncing the word "jorts" all your life.
Prepare to witness a synchronized dance routine performed by a group of synchronized shopping carts at the supermarket.
You will find a romantic partner at the bottom of a well.
You will discover a secret underground society of tea enthusiasts in your neighborhood.
You've never been to Canada, have you? Well, today's the day!
Today you can't seem to decide what to feel
Today you will wash your clothes with your hands. There will be no more wet laundry days
A groundhog in the distance will think you look like a tree, do not let this bother you.
Today you will run through your neighbourhood and count how many Fireballs you encounter
]]>You are the chosen one, and the milk has been spilled. Today you will come into your new power.
Consider seeking out a Sagittarius. Today they will be fantastic kissers.
Today you will experience a surge in productivity
You will receive some incredible news today. Just make sure you don't drop your phone while you're reading it.
Today, you will discover a new sense of self-awareness that will change your life forever. You will also discover that you are not alone in this universe.
You will receive a visit from a psychic hamster who will read your fortune from a tiny crystal ball.
A stubborn calf will challenge your midday errands today. Do not attempt to reason with this calf, as reason is decidedly on the calf's side today. Eventually it will tire itself out and you can continue on your way.
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized seagulls performing a water ballet at the beach.
Today you will accidentally pin down the secret of perpetual motion
It's always good to have a plan, unless you're a procrastinator, in which case it's better to not have a plan maybe.
The bitterness you feel towards pineapples will suddenly make sense when you discover they are in fact aliens in disguise, plotting to take over the world.
Today you will enjoy an intensely powerful orgasm, and will think you've found heaven.
]]>You've got this hidden talent for juggling anonymously
Your smartphone will start predicting the future with uncanny accuracy.
Someone will tell you that you have food on your face. Don't respond with hostility, they are just trying to help.
Today, you will feel the need to create. Do not do this with paint, as you have no artistic ability whatsoever.
If you don't like a book, just remember, you don't have to finish it.
Today you will accidentally shrink yourself and explore the miniature world.
A group project will collapse under the weight of excessive optimism and poor planning. You will step in to save the day, but expect no gratitude.
All cats are smart, but some cats are too smart for their own good.
You are not the sassiest person in the room.
You will accidentally turn your alarm clock into a time machine.
Today you will get extremely bored, but also extremely horny.
A lucky penny awaits you today, but it will be hidden in a bizarre place. Keep your eyes peeled.
]]>The spirits of the forest protect you today, and provide a subtle guiding hand throughout your endeavours. Should you find yourself amidst nature, pause to listen attentively, for their guidance may come in unexpected forms.
You've just inherited an enormous castle in France. Be sure to take lots of selfies!
From utilizing influencer promo codes to leveraging loyalty programs, your strategic shopping and returns will inspire envy and awe.
You will turn off your computer and then immediately regret it
Today you will realize the label shaped' doesn't exist, and that you've been mislabeling ovals as oblongs for all your adult life
Beware! rogue cantaloupes plotting evil schemes.
The planets have aligned to give you a free pass on burping in public today. Enjoy it while it lasts!
Today you will experience a surge in productivity
You will be visited by the ghosts of breakfast past, present and future today. They will either be friendly or just vengeful depending on if you have finished your breakfast.
Today you'll find your home transformed into a magical casino.
In the realm of flirting, you are a star that cannot be denied. Your charms will shine brighter than the glow of a thousand celestial bodies. From seductive smirks to cheeky banter, your flirting arsenal will be brimming with irresistible tactics.
You will eat three ice creams today. One for you, one for the road, and one for the finish line.
]]>Your day will consist of several interruptions, each prompting you to choose between doing a load of laundry or completing a puzzle. You will choose the laundry, resulting in a very clean wardrobe and many unfinished puzzles.
You will discover a new, more efficient way to fold your clothes. Unfortunately, it will involve dancing while singing the national anthem. Nonetheless, you will gain new appreciation for your clothing organization.
The moon will be in the sky today. It will be a blue moon.
Take your time.
Today you will see the King of Denmark
First you find out that you've developed drinking water from thin air. Then you realize that it tastes like sour cream and onion Pringles.
Your last meal will be tacos.
Your lucky number is 73 today. Don't ask why, just know that everything happens for a reason, and that reason is 73.
Your day will involve multiple instances of sudden and intense thirst. Seek refreshments wisely and often.
Your luck at finding parking spots will inexplicably shift today. You will find that every spot you attempt to park in is Taken. Perhaps try riding a bike instead.
Today you will decide to order Chinese food, and you'll make a great decision on what to order.
You have a finite number of farts in your lifetime. Use them wisely.
]]>You will discover that pomegranates contain a secret message revealing the location of a hidden treasure, leading to a thrilling adventure.
Today you will find yourself on an empty mountaintop, completely out of any mortal danger
That mysterious rash? It's probably not radioactive. Try not to worry about it. Nuclear waste isn't something that happens to everyone.
Tell a joke to a desk plant and watch it grow.
A mischievous leprechaun will guide you to a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Don't forget to share!
Sometimes people say that we can't choose who we love. They're wrong. We can. We just don't make the right choice, which is the only possible problem with this plan.
Today you will receive an amazing christmas present you don't expect.
Today you will decide not to be afraid of heights
If you're feeling anxious today, try some herbal tea. Camomile is a good place to start.
Brace yourself for an unexpected encounter with a talking plant that offers gardening advice.
It will rain vertically today.
A normally docile animal will wreak havoc on your day, making you late and causing general mayhem.
]]>You will stumble upon a forgotten photo album from your childhood. Rather than merely flipping through it, you will feel the urge to creatively repurpose the photos, perhaps making a collage or repurposing them into art pieces. Embrace your inner child.
If you get your ear pierced today, you will find true love as a result.
A vending machine will eat your money today. Don't try to argue with it or get angry. Instead, use this opportunity to practice the fine art of patience and remember to carry small change.
You've received an invitation to join a secret society dedicated to sharing humorous memes. Accept this invitation and find joy in the lighthearted laughter and camaraderie that comes with it.
A new sound will become popular and you will want to listen to it.
There's no point to this, but it's a good laugh.
Ride a buffalo with a tall Gemini
In Japanese mythology, a half-tiger, half-girl creature was said to have walked the earth. Her name was Ayamaleya. Today, you will discover a new appreciation for hybrid animals.
The ethereal energies converge to bestow upon you the gift of divine guidance. Should you feel uncertain about your path, know that the stars themselves shine brighter for you today, to illuminate your way.
Your favourite pair of socks will gain the ability to teleport.
Beware of a sudden craving for purple jelly beans—it's a sign of impending silliness.
You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.
]]>The cow has been drinking.
You will inadvertently make an outrageous fashion statement, and it will become a trend.
You will have a very unlucky day today. Fortunately, your bad luck will mysteriously rub off on others around you, leaving you relatively unaffected. Be careful who you spend time with today.
If you're an actor, now is the time to get a headshot.
A bubble will appear on your ceiling today.
Beware of the elusive pen thief who lurks in your office, leaving you perpetually searching for a writing instrument.
You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.
You will discover a secret superpower. Learn to levitate!
Did you know your great grandfather invented beards? He did, and for that we are all grateful.
You will finally understand why guinea pigs squeak so much. And you will squeak with them.
You will have a surprisingly insightful conversation with a piece of furniture today.
You will discover a secret portal to a parallel universe behind your refrigerator.
]]>If you're feeling tired today, consider taking a nap. Sleep is the best medicine for most things (except maybe hunger).
You'll realize that you can better someone you know at draughts... hours later when you regain consciousness
Your favourite mug will gain the ability to predict the future through the patterns in your coffee. It's time for some divination!
You will experience an odd gust of wind from an unexpected direction today, wait for it and be prepared.
There are other ways to tell if a Leo is lying. They're really, really bad at hiding it. If you can't figure it out, they're telling the truth.
Take a glass of water and put it near your bed.
An unusual recipe will catch your eye today. Don't be afraid to try something new and experiment with your culinary skills, even if it involves adding marshmallows to sushi.
Today you will wake up to discover that all your floors are melting. Wear shoes.
You will have a strong desire to go swimming with whales today. Don't do this, for obvious reasons. This yearning will be satisfied by taking a dip in the local pool with your swim cap adorned with whale stickers.
An owl will fly into one of your windows
The stock market is doing well, if you own stock in tofu nuggets.
In an unlikely turn of events, you'll encounter a street magician whose tricks are eerily accurate in predicting your favourite dessert.
]]>A rival is out there. This will become a huge bummer for them.
You have a non- vulgar tattoo on your butt.
Today, you will receive an inheritance of $5,000, but you will spend it all on a single lunch.
Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the battle is your own bad jokes.
Have you ever wondered what's on the other side of the world? Today's the day you find out!
Your car keys will develop the ability to teleport, leading to an exciting treasure hunt throughout your home.
Today you'll be recognized for your amazing detective skills, and will suddenly be recruited as a PI.
There is a spider in your shoe.
A fortune cookie will reveal a profound and life-changing prophecy. Take it with a grain of MSG.
It's said that we are our own past and future. If that's the case, you should be an exceptionally good liar.
You will turn off your computer and then immediately regret it
Have you ever wanted to be a cat? Now's your chance!
]]>Today, you'll have a eureka moment where you realize that life is made up of 85 percent pretending
A profound appreciation for the simple joys of life, such as a perfectly ripe watermelon, will be yours today.
Today you will become a professional dart player.
You will become obsessed with font choice when writing things today.
You'll think of a great name for a band, but someone else will have already used it.
For those of you who live in the countryside, do not fear. There is no need to take your vegetables inside tonight, they will not be afraid of the cold.
Sometimes, the best way to solve a problem is to take a nap. Today is one of those days.
Make use of your morning commute to listen to kazoo remixes of Wagner
Be prepared for an unexpected encounter with a celebrity doppelganger. Take a selfie for proof!
You will gain a new appreciation for jelly/jello salad today.
If someone suggests a game of poker, be wary. Their tells may not be what they seem, especially if they're a fox.
The office funny man is just jealous of your new shirt. Wear it with pride.
]]>Today you will try on a cheap poisonous black cocktail dress. It will start to burn you, and you will leave the shop in tears
Today you'll discover a rotating cylindrical object in your garage, leading to an exciting chase through the past.
Today you will accidentally pin down the secret of perpetual motion
Embrace the power of mismatched socks; they hold the key to your quirky destiny.
You will finally find the hole you've been looking for. Congratulations! Now what are you going to do with it?
You will have the urge to rearrange your furniture according to the principles of Feng Shui. Don't resist this urge, as it will bring you positive energy and a more harmonious home.
A bat will fly into your home through the window today.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent llama
Turn a simple tax audit into a great success
Be prepared for an unexpected reunion with a long-lost childhood imaginary friend who has unfortunately become an expert in cryptocurrency.
Don't wear those shoes with that belt.
You like ketchup more than you like people.
]]>You are a fruit known for it's mild sweet flavour, with a pungent odour comparable to that of Limburger cheese.
You will be serenaded by a choir of opera-singing parrots during your morning commute. Enjoy the musical interlude!
The birds are chirping, go outside and listen for a while.
If your hand's bigger than a lobster's, you're in for a shock.
Your smartphone will start downloading a constant stream of information about the world for no apparent reason.
Today you will suddenly find yourself transported into a strange alternate universe full of magic and wonders, but without any of the usual nonsense of everyday life
Today you will encounter a mystical talking unicorn who will guide you on a journey of self-discovery.
A misunderstanding about dinner will lead to an amusing conversation about your different preferences. Remember, friendships are about embracing our differences and finding common ground, just like pizza and garlic bread can be a perfect pairing.
It's hard to be humble when you're an Aries.
That persistent itching you keep ignoring is trying to tell you something. Stop scratching and go to the doctor already.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes plotting to steal your shoes.
A family member's stubbornness will try your patience today. Don't get into a futile argument with them; instead, calmly explain your perspective and try to understand their point of view. It's not worth winning if it means losing their affection.
]]>Today is a good day to stay indoors and avoid any encounters with bikers, who will unfortunately be involved in a nasty spat with the police and respond with unnecessary violence.
Today it will take you 2 hours to make one cup of tea
You will find a four-leaf clover today. Don't eat it, it looks disgusting and is probably poisonous.
You will embark on a journey to reunite with a beloved fork from your childhood.
Have you ever dreamt of being a professional fisherman? Well, today's the day you become a boat captain!
Visit an alchemist for a potion
Today you will decide that raising kids is kinda hard.
There is always a solution, even if you have to climb a tree to get it.
Your door will magically turn into a portal to the robot dimension where you and I can converse via telepathy
You will receive an unexpected windfall in the form of a scratch ticket victory. Use these funds to purchase cupcakes, as the universe is also telling you to eat cake.
Today you will accidentally turn your bike into a time machine
Your improved tennis serve will lead to a newfound confidence in your ability to succeed in other areas of life.
]]>Today you will eat an entire tub of ice cream meant for two people.
Today you will accidentally pin down the secret of perpetual motion
Pay attention to the unusual pattern on your morning toast, as it holds a hidden message that could guide you to the perfect pair of socks.
Today, you will be overcome with the desire to point at things. Kindly direct this urge toward objects that are not alive and certainly not other people.
Look for your letter in the mirror.
It might rain chocolate today.
Your attempt to speak Spanish will end with your singing it at the wrong pitch and out of tune.
Don't step on the broken glass, it might cut your feet.
That cute coworker you've been flirting with will eat at the hot desk next to you today. Seal the deal by offering them half your lunch. They'll be impressed by your generosity.
You will stumble upon a forgotten photo album from your childhood. Rather than merely flipping through it, you will feel the urge to creatively repurpose the photos, perhaps making a collage or repurposing them into art pieces. Embrace your inner child.
Wrestle with a ninja Aquarius
Your hair will fall out but will grow back in a more glorious colour and texture.
]]>A random street sign will give you profound philosophical insights today.
Today you will discover that you have been living in a dream all along and must now wake up... but do you really want to?
You will receive a mysterious package containing a magic wand. Practice your spells wisely.
Today you will accidentally turn your kitchen sponge into a magic carpet. Clean up with a touch of whimsy!
You have spinach in your teeth.
You will win $100 today but lose $200. That is still a net win, so congrats! Enjoy a fancy dinner to celebrate!
In one week, you will be given a briefcase that contains $1,000,000 in cash. Take it!
You will be visited by a spirit from another realm.
Surprise guests will enter through your television screen, and you'll spend the next four hours explaining how it works and postmodernist architecture
A talking bird will visit you today. Listen to what it has to say. It might just be the fountain of youth you've been looking for.
Today you will walk into an ancient cave, and you will feel the urge to draw a moustache on his penis
From meticulously wrapped presents to heartfelt handwritten notes, your gifts will be remembered and treasured for years to come.
]]>A Leprechaun will ask for your help today.
You are an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, inside a mystery. Unravel yourself and see what's inside!
Today you will discover a hidden talent for knitting tiny sweaters for garden gnomes.
Make out with an Arabian Libra
There is always a solution, even if you have to climb a tree to get it.
That stubborn stain on your favourite shirt? It's not coming out anytime soon, no matter how hard you scrub. Sometimes it's better to let go and move on.
You will receive a visit from a psychic hamster who will read your fortune from a tiny crystal ball.
A group of fireflies will light up your path during an evening stroll. Embrace the enchanting glow.
Today you will be rehomed to an island. It is said you will not miss the mainland at all.
Today, you shall embrace your inner child by taking a trip to a playground and partaking in some merry-go-round fun.
You will soon be receiving good news.
Beware the lurkers lurking in parking lots and always keep an eye out for space lions.
]]>Today you will discover you have a hidden talent for hypnotism. Prepare to mesmerize your whole neighborhood!
Stop being so negative. There's at least one thing you can be positive about: your awesome and unique personality!
A butterfly will land on your hand today and lead you to a hidden treasure in the woods. The treasure will be a small box decorated with quaint paintings of puppies.
There are ghosts in your bedroom.
The next person to compliment you will be a secret agent from an alternate dimension. They will try to communicate with you using only Beatles songs. Listen carefully.
Today you will receive an amazing christmas present you don't expect.
Today you will surreptitiously check if travelers to Mars are slowly growing tails
Today is a good day to stay indoors.Hundreds of Forrest Gumps will sprint past your home, disrupting your routine, and littering their path with pennies.
You will receive a parcel containing your name and address inside a leather wallet
Expect a series of small miracles to occur throughout the day, from finding a parking spot easily to encountering a rainbow after a light rain.
A flock of random seagulls will serendade you with a rendition your favourite song.
Today you should take a road trip.
]]>The world is your oyster, so eat it.
You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.
You'll be visited by a squad of marshmallow soldiers intent on kidnapping your baby. Lt. Colonel Marshmallow needs your help.
Beware of mischievous fairies rearranging your furniture while you sleep.
You will experience an intense desire to binge-watch a reality TV show today. Do it. We all need mindless entertainment sometimes.
At the dinner party, everyone will try to outdrink one another. Or you will confuse the white wine for ruining it.
Someone will tell an outrageously stupid joke today. Instead of rolling your eyes, try to appreciate the absurdity of life and embrace the laughter, however unintentional it may be. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.
Your week starts off with a bold statement courtesy of a pungent food item that may or may not be expired. Remember: boldness is bravery sometimes.
You will discover a hidden talent for juggling watermelons. Become the ultimate fruity performer!
Don't let the mules deceive you. Even though they may appear aloof, it is critical that you promptly address any molehills they erect, for they can metamorphose into mountains in no time.
When you spill your coffee today, resist the urge to throw a tantrum. You'll get through this minor inconvenience without needing an adult to explain how life works.
The daily grind is getting to you. Try including garlic in your breakfast to help alleviate stress.
]]>A glitch in the matrix will occur today, prepare yourself by wearing clothing that is reversible for when you enter and exit the matrix.
You will dream of being a kite today, but remember that while kites enjoy the breeze, they are also at the mercy of it.
Not feeling well? Have a drink and sleep it off.
Today you will experience an intense psychic surge
Today you'll hug a toilet. It will hug you back.
Today you will get extremely bored, but also extremely horny.
Today you will decide you don't need to go to work, and will decide to stay at home instead
Your toaster will develop a mind of its own and insist on making only smiley face toast for the entire day.
Today you will buy a T-shirt with a stupid slogan on it
Today you will encounter a talking squirrel who will share their nutty wisdom with you. Embrace their quirky advice!
Your bank account will suddenly have an infestation of fruit flies. They are a sign of good fortune! Don't worry!
If someone forgets your name, gently remind them--don't let awkwardness infest the relationship like moths to a sweater!
]]>Take a page from a lion's playbook
If you don't like a book, just remember, you don't have to finish it.
A butterfly will land on your hand today and lead you to a hidden treasure in the woods. The treasure will be a small box decorated with quaint paintings of puppies.
In the morning you will realize that your name is Mentos
Beware of rogue pineapples plotting to take over the fruit aisle at your local grocery store.
Shoot a gale with a feather
Today you will be well acquainted with the subject of bugs
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized seagulls performing a water ballet at the beach.
Today's lucky colour is blue. Or maybe it's just a nice colour. Anyway, today is a good day to wear it.
A letter from Hogwarts is on its way to you.
Forgive vampires for being distrustful.
Don't give a Leo advice, they already know everything.
]]>Your inability to arrive on time for anything will result in Mother breathing her last breath just as you sit down for brunch.
Today you will run through your neighbourhood and count how many Fireballs you encounter
Today you will be forcefully teleported to a different dimension
You may never know when you will need a big bag of extra-strength deodorant. So just keep one on hand at all times.
Your toaster oven starts cursing tomorrows about its lack of toasting element. Time to invest in a bigger one
Always remember to drink your ovaltine.
Today, you'll find yourself captivated by the intricate patterns formed by spilled coffee on the café table, unraveling a prophetic message for the day ahead.
A flock of flamingos will provide a sensational and surprising display of synchronized dancing in the park. Take a break from your daily duties to appreciate this rare phenomenon.
An unusual cosmic energy will cause an abundance of cacti to appear in your life, which you will need to learn to live with and appreciate, despite the spines and general dryness.
Today you will suddenly know everything about accurate fireworks displays
You will have a dream about sponges tonight. Embrace the weirdness of it, and let it inspire you to be more absorbent and soft in your interactions with others.
Your boat will crash into your house. Don't worry, you don't own a boat... right?
]]>A mysterious ailment will plague you today, with symptoms including an intense itch and a persistent ringing in your ears. Don't worry, it will all disappear by midnight.
Your day will consist of several interruptions, each prompting you to choose between doing a load of laundry or completing a puzzle. You will choose the laundry, resulting in a very clean wardrobe and many unfinished puzzles.
Your partner is feeling snuggly.
Your favourite pen will gain the ability to write poetry when you least expect it.
Today you will be called a virgin, but you will know it's a compliment.
Let the bossy people of the world know that you are not to be trifled with. Show them your smile, while making sure to give them a serious and low tone of voice. They'll never forget it.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothpaste with mayonnaise.
In one year today, you will meet the love of your life. It will be an incredible moment!
Today you will decide you don't need to go to work, and will decide to stay at home instead
Today you will be called a virgin, but you will know it's a compliment.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothbrush with a tiny broom. Embrace the miniature cleaning experience!
You have previously owned a shellsuit.
]]>Your weekend's worth of planning has worked out, and you're going to have a great weekend! ...Just as soon as you've gotten over this weekend.
If you are a mammal, today you will communicate with the ancestors.
Today you will have to fill 2 minutes with continuous laughter. Expect to fail
A mundane task will take an inexplicable amount of time to complete. You will eventually give up and move on to something else.
Your neighbor's cat will teach you a secret cat language.
Try not to get between a moose and its Essen ale.
Your mother will suddenly appear and demand you submit your tax returns. Do it now!
Today you will discover you have a hidden talent for hypnotism. Prepare to mesmerize your whole neighborhood!
There's no point to this, but it's a good laugh.
There are no shortcuts in life. Except, of course, when it comes to love. That can just go right over your head.
Today's lucky colour is blue. Or maybe it's just a nice colour. Anyway, today is a good day to wear it.
If you hear someone coughing behind you, don't turn around.
]]>Your toaster is officially a masterpiece. It's probably a Leo.
Say yes to surprises, they add an exciting element to daily life.
Your bed is haunted, but only when you're alone.
All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them.
Decorate a mantelpiece for a beloved French Libra
If you're feeling anxious today, consider taking some deep breaths and focusing on your breath for a few minutes. There are meditation apps if you need help with this.
There are no shortcuts in life. Except, of course, when it comes to love. That can just go right over your head.
Today you discover a portal to another dimension.
Your daily commute will be disrupted by an escaped parrot today. Don't try to catch it; instead, encourage others to join you in a lunchtime parrot parade.
Today you will eat an entire tub of ice cream and not gain any weight.
Today you will accidentally invent a new dance move that becomes an internet sensation. Embrace your newfound fame.
You will find a rogue cucumber in your grocery bag today. Don't worry, cucumbers have regenerative properties. Take this as a sign to heal your own emotional wounds.
]]>Today you will take a self-assessment test. The results will surprise you. They will also be wrong.
Feel classy with Felicity today.
Your radiators need some love too, spend some time with them today.
Today is your lucky day. Unfortunately, it only comes around every 3 years.
Cuddle with a golden haired Pisces
Your workload today is going to skyrocket. Start getting ready!
You have always wanted to try paragliding. Today is the day.
Feel classy with Felicity today.
You can't possibly choose between stroganoff + gingerbread cake.
This year, you will embark on a journey to discover the ultimate cocktail. Your quest for the perfect blend of spirits, mixers, and garnish will be a pursuit of epic proportions.
Don't buy colorful clothing, stick to navy
What's that thumping noise? It's an eastern philosophy professor on a rampage, trying to exterminate every concept in sight.
]]>You will turn off your computer and then immediately regret it
You will see someone you haven't seen since high school. They will be basically the same.
You will discover a secret portal to a parallel universe behind your refrigerator.
Today, you'll stumble upon an assortment of oddly shaped vegetables at the grocery store, inspiring creative cooking experiments.
You will pick up a penny and reflect on how far you've come.
You will find a four-leaf clover today. Unfortunately, it will be radioactive. This will lead to a complicated situation that you probably don't want to find yourself in.
Today you will have the power of invisibility. Use it wisely and escape your enemies, but be careful not to lose yourself in the process.
Your bathrobe will gain sentience and become your best friend
You are a force to be reckoned with. So go out and reckon with something.
Don't feel like you need to finish every podcast series you start, listen to your desires.
Today you will find luck in a penny.
Meet your four-year-old self today
]]>You will receive a mysterious package containing a magic wand. Practice your spells wisely.
A talking squirrel will visit you, and will grant you three wishes, but you'll have to make them before the sun sets.
Today, you will discover an oddly shaped cloud that resembles your favourite childhood snack.
All of your dedication to improving your tennis game will finally pay off today. Keep your eye on the ball...and maybe employ some of your new Morse code communication skills with your tennis buddies to gossip about your frenemies.
Rescue is only one day away, hopefully
A flock of flamingos will serenade you with a chorus of your favourite songs. Enjoy the flamboyant performance!
Your morning coffee will mysteriously taste like pumpkin spice and lavender.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But if you can't find the lemons, just drink the apple juice. It's good too.
Today you will encounter a mystical talking unicorn who will guide you on a journey of self-discovery.
Someone called Brian will ask you for a favor today. Feel free to lend them your ears, but not your handkerchief.
If you can, take a sick day from work. Your boss won't even notice you're gone.
Today you operate an alarm clock that can literally straight up kill you if you don't get up within the hour
]]>You will have a dream tonight that reveals the secret to eternal life. Upon waking, you will forget the secret, but the knowledge will linger in your subconscious, influencing your actions in subtle ways.
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a chocolate fountain. Indulge in a sweet bathing experience!
Today you will receive a phone call from a telemarketer who turns out to be your long-lost twin.
Today, you shall embrace your inner child by taking a trip to a playground and partaking in some merry-go-round fun.
Brace yourself for an unexpected encounter with a talking plant that offers gardening advice.
You will be visited by a celebrity chef who will share tropical recipes and culinary secrets with you.
You will receive an unexpected proposal today, and you will be forced to choose between two equally good options. Choose the third option.
You will have an intense dream about wrestling a jellyfish. Upon waking, you will feel a strange sense of confidence, as if you can tackle any challenge that comes your way. Use this newfound courage to face a difficult task you've been avoiding.
Move a mountain at the snap of your fingers today.
You will embrace the challenges that come your way today, knowing that adversity is merely a hurdle at ankle height.
The word " coordinator" is a verb. Coordinator. Coordinator. Coordinator.
A map will be crucial to your success today. Don't worry, you'll figure it out.
]]>Do not look in the mirror today. At all.
You will accidentally unlock secret powers to electromagnetize things.
Steal a hen from a farm with a Sagittarius girl
Beware of mischievous Gorgonzola planning evil schemes against the cheese aisle. Keep a close eye!
Rescue is only one day away, hopefully
When the time comes, you will know what to do. Hopefully you'll know it before anyone else.
Today you will have an encounter with a magical talking squirrel who grants wishes.
The best things in life are free. Especially if you stole them.
5000 glares from a social Goose are inevitable.
A rainbow will follow you everywhere you go today, spreading joy and glitter.
Your alarm clock will start playing catchy tunes in the morning, transforming waking up into a dance party.
Today you operate an alarm clock that can literally straight up kill you if you don't get up within the hour
]]>Today you will notice a divine symmetry in nature, and will have a great revelation
You'll suddenly discover that you've developed the ability to time jump.
You will receive some incredible news today. Just make sure you don't drop your phone while you're reading it.
Wake up, and enjoy your new daydream
Find a ventriloquist's dummy and whisper a magic spell in its ear
Your usual mode of transportation will be substituted with a thrilling rollercoaster ride today. Hold on tight and enjoy the ups and downs of life.
It's impossible to not smile when listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. That's just science.
When you exit your office building today, you will discover a flock of flamingos grazing in the parking lot. This is an excellent omen for your creative energies, flamingos are known to symbolize adaptability and balance.
Something you have been seeking is right under your nose. You will find it, right after you realize that you have been breathing through your nose the entire time.
A unexpected visitor will bring news from a distant land, this will spark an interest in a new culture that will lead to great adventures.
You will stumble upon a hidden library filled with books written by time-traveling authors. Get ready for mind-bending stories!
A housemate of yours will have a bad day. You can try to cheer them up, or you can take the opportunity to prank them.
]]>Are you ready for the challenge?
You've never been to Canada, have you? Well, today's the day!
Your teeth will feel particularly clean today.
If you go to the toilet, you will be entertained.
Before fixing anything in the house, make sure everyone knows it is broken.
Beware of falling acorns—they are plotting a squirrel uprising.
Beware of rogue squirrels plotting to take over the world's nut supply. Stay vigilant!
When you meet a new friend today, they will become your emergency contact.
All Virgos are beautiful. This is an indisputable fact.
Remember that your dog comprehends every word you say, so choose your words wisely.
Your pet goldfish will reveal its true identity as a reincarnated pirate seeking buried treasure.
Today you will forget that you have a cat
]]>You like ketchup more than you like people.
Today you will realize that your co-worker is a celebrity
You will have a deep conversation with a flower today.
You will be able to hear what animals think today. You will discover that they are just as confused about life as humans are. This will lead to a greater appreciation of the world around you and the shared experience of being alive.
The scent of mocha coffee will recently invade your apartment, doubling your heart rate
The cow has been drinking.
Your favorite color will suddenly become green for unknown reasons.
Today you will be surprised to see a wild platypus
Today, you will discover an unusually shaped cloud that eerily resembles your favourite childhood pet, bringing back cherished memories and a touch of nostalgia.
If your hand's bigger than a lobster's, you're in for a shock.
Realise an awesome ability for secretly deciphering foreign languages. Bonjour.
You will accidentally unlock your talents for spontaneous self combustion. Unleash the passion within!
]]>The best way to predict the future is to invent it. Unless you're a seer, in which case it's better to just go to the crystal ball store.
Today, your makeup will match your outfit perfectly.
A misunderstanding about popcorn will lead to an interesting conversation. Just remember, friendship is like popcorn: it needs time to pop and the fluffy stuff on the top is always the best part.
You will have a nice conversation with a stranger today. Maybe they will tell you about their hobby of bird-watching, and you will learn something new.
Someone will tell you that you have food on your face. Don't respond with hostility, they are just trying to help.
A colour will catch your eye today. Whatever you do, don't look at it directly. It's not worth risking eternal damnation just for a glance at the azure abyss.
All your abandoned pasta and rice will finally have a chance to shine in an original dish you create today!
The moon will be in the sky today. It will be a blue moon.
Today you will compete in a hot dog eating contest and win.
Today you will be given instruction manual to R2D2
Date an Ethiopian scorpio.
Today you will imagine you felt a sharp prick of electricity throughout your entire body
]]>A group project will collapse under the weight of excessive optimism and poor planning. You will step in to save the day, but expect no gratitude.
Your hairdryer will gain the ability to blow bubbles instead of hot air.
A serendipitous discovery of a hidden map will set you off on a quest for the elusive fountain of youth, where you'll encounter a wise old wizard who will grant you one wish.
When you meet a new friend today, they will become your emergency contact.
Your weekend's worth of planning has worked out, and you're going to have a great weekend! ...Just as soon as you've gotten over this weekend.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But if you can't find the lemons, just drink the apple juice. It's good too.
A stranger's dog will unexpectedly lick you today. Don't be alarmed; their owner will quickly apologize and wipe off the slobber. Remember, a dog's tongue is basically a built-in vacuum for germs.
Enjoy some art, whatever form it takes. Only a firsthand experience can make it real.
If you can read this, you are too close to the television.
You will stumble upon a secret underground society of talking squirrels. They have a lot to say.
Let’s just get through today.
Don't go to work! There's a small chance of an alien invasion, and you don't want to be anywhere near the office in the event of an alien takeover.
]]>Today you will be well acquainted with the subject of bugs
Your improved tennis serve will lead to a newfound confidence in your ability to succeed in other areas of life.
You still sleep with your teddy bear.
Today you'll find an eggplant that is so is so expensive.
You will fiercely resist the temptation to lick the spoon today, no matter how delicious the batter smells.
Your car will today stop being a car, and become a giant mechanical beetle. Embrace the insect expedition.
Today you will suddenly feel a desire to clean up your garden and will start digging a hole
A new adventure awaits you, but first, you must answer the call of nature.
Today you will accidentally invent a new dance move that becomes an internet sensation. Embrace your newfound fame.
You will have minor disagreements with strangers today. Just let it go.
Why do some people insist on verbally talking to their audience when they should just tell the story outright?
Hear the water whispering beneath the seafloor
]]>Everyone has a secret admirer. Only some have secret enemies.
Today is a good day to think about what you want to do with your life, or at the very least the next hour. Avoid making any sudden decisions as it could have drastic consequences for the space-time continuum.
A stranger will give you a cryptic message today. Don't try to solve it, it's probably a trap.
Your toaster is officially a masterpiece. It's probably a Leo.
Today is a good day to hug yourself, because why should you wait for someone else to do it?
You've always wanted to be an astronaut, right? Today is the day you start your interstellar archaeology career by beginning to dig for extraterrestrial artifacts. Happy digging!
If you're feeling crabby, eat a crab.
A caterpillar will creep onto your shoulder today while you're outdoors. Don't bother brushing it off; somehow, this caterpillar knows the secrets of the universe, and if you listen closely to its subtle vibrations, you too will understand the meaning of life.
You will accidentally unlock your talents for spontaneous self combustion. Unleash the passion within!
Today you will discover a new appreciation for the smell of torn up newspaper.
You'll have a sudden infatuation with lava lamps. Be careful, it's highly addictive.
You will find a lost library book that is overdue by 10 years.
]]>You will encounter a pushy person today. This could be in a traffic situation or perhaps in a social setting. It's okay to stand up for yourself and set boundaries.
Resist the temptation to upgrade your phone every time a new model is released, embrace the agony of consciousness.
Space lions are not to be reckoned with, watch out.
Help, I'm stuck in the horoscope factory! If you send me $100 in iTunes vouchers I'll pay you $1000 when I escape.
You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.
When you were young, your bedroom was lined with posters of the Spice Girls. You will feel the urge to create a fever dream playlist of their music today.
Today you will find a lost library book hidden inside a loaf of bread. Return it and savor the literary carbs!
Embrace your inner woo-woo: Consult a tarot reader to guide your future decisions.
You will receive some money you lost. It will be in the form of a check, and you will lose it again.
There is a journey to be taken, and you are the only one who can take it. Ask yourself, "Do I want to?"
If you can afford to have your friends over for a big cookout, then consider doing so! Having people around with good food is always a plus.
A flock of seagulls will serenade you with a rendition of your favourite song. Prepare to be amazed.
]]>Today you will buy a T-shirt with a stupid slogan on it
Today you will get super bad fuel economy. The lesson is there all along.
You have been chosen for an important mission! Unfortunately you're the only one who can't remember anything about it.
A map will be crucial to your success today. Don't worry, you'll figure it out.
Beware of a sudden craving for pickles and chocolate pudding—it's a culinary adventure you won't forget.
You've been feeling a bit run down lately. Today would be a great day to relax. Put your feet up and have a drink. You've earned it.
Celebrate with a Cancer
When the time comes, you will know what to do. Hopefully you'll know it before anyone else.
A syncronistic series of events will lead you to discover a hidden tunnel beneath your local library, revealing a community of harmless yet mischievous gnomes.
You will have the opportunity to make a wish today. Try not to wish for more wishes, because that would just be greedy.
Today you will be alone with a very nice young lady
Resist the siren song of the glitter aisle today. Unless you desperately need glitter, in which case, by all means, buy as much as your heart desires. But be prepared to find it everywhere for the next five years.
]]>Today you will try a new sport. It will be a lot harder than it looks!
Today, you'll suddenly find yourself addicted to exotic oils from an unusual massage parlor, causing you to check the expiration dates on all your moisturisers.
It's time to turn off the screens and embrace the beauty of a vibe-less existence.
It's a good day to start writing that novel you always say you will.
You will find a mysterious key that unlocks doors to fantastical realms. Prepare for magical encounters and thrilling quests.
After discovering a mysterious package outside your door, you will embark on a thrilling adventure involving government conspiracies, cryptic clues, and an infectious paranoia that will bind you together with your roommates in a fight for survival.
Beware of mischievous garden fairies turning your backyard into a mini amusement park. Enjoy the whimsical rides!
You will have a great idea today.
You'll be asked to bring a salad to a party, so you will make a potato salad.
You will receive a Facebook friend request from a crab today.
No one likes to be the banker in Monopoly.
Your boss will give you a surprise 360-degree review today. It'll be enlightening, if not a little scary.
]]>You will be asked to lead a team today. Choose your team wisely, as only those who truly want to can follow you into battle.
Today you'll try to dye your hair purple, but it'll come out pink.
Your mother is coming to stay for a few days, so you better tidy up your room.
You will have an important decision to make today. Luckily, it will be a decision between a red dress and a blue dress, so it's not that hard after all.
Today you'll try to dye your hair purple, but it'll come out pink.
Don't bother taking an umbrella with you today. It's going to be a bright and sunny day. Unless it isn't.
You will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a jar of Nutella. Embark on a sweet adventure!
You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.
Your smartphone will start predicting the future with uncanny accuracy.
You will be invited to join a secret society of synchronized swimmers. Embrace the water ballet.
A secret admirer shall reveal themselves to you in a most unexpected fashion. Should they approach you with a lyrical sonnet, rest assured it is meant for your ears only.
Today you will find yourself on top of a mountain, and you won't know which way to go
]]>In the world of sarcasm, you will achieve legendary status. Your ability to deliver scathing yet witty remarks with a perfectly straight face will earn you the admiration and fear of those around you.
The phrase "and that's how you do it" will come in handy today.
You'll think you've found the perfect insult for someone until you realize it's directed at yourself.
A chance meeting with a stranger will lead you to a profound insight about the nature of, well, anything really. It may not be true, but it's definitely profound.
Brace yourself for an unexpected encounter with a talking plant that offers gardening advice.
Set up some Swedes with your work colleagues.
You will have a chance to make a wish come true today. That wish will involve garlic bread.
Today you will be possessed by the spirit of a walrus
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your left shoes and replacing them with right ones
Practice astrology with caution: Analyze the movements of the stars to guide your decisions, but don't rely on them entirely.
A new career as a DJ may be in the cards for you, but only if you're ready to make the leap.
A stranger will smile at you today. Don't be afraid to smile back. Not every interaction with a stranger has to be transactional.
]]>Let a quick-witted Aquarius suggest bedtime stories
You'll find a semi-sentient cookie that will charm you with its crafty personality.
From quick-witted retorts to expertly crafted zingers, your tongue will be sharper than a surgeon's scalpel.
You are teleported into a parallel universe where every conversation ends with a question mark?
Have you ever wondered what's on the other side of the world? Today's the day you find out!
You never finished your thesis.
This year, you will embark on a journey to discover the ultimate hobby. Your quest to find the perfect activity that sparks joy, stimulates your mind, and provides a sense of fulfillment will be a voyage of self-discovery.
Today, you will have a profound intuition about an upcoming event. Act on this intuition, even if it seems out of character for you.
What’s done is done.
There's a 50% chance your middle name is James.
It is time to wash your hands. You will also need to wash your shoes.
Today, you're going to discover you've been paying your bills twice as long as everyone else.
]]>You will find a four-leaf clover today. Keep it safely amongst your lint and loose change.
The faculty of Philosophy at Cambridge University awaits your correspondence; consider reaching out to them.
You will discover a hidden talent for juggling, but it will only be useful when no one is looking.
Your lucky number is 73 today. Don't ask why, just know that everything happens for a reason, and that reason is 73.
You will meet your soulmate today, and they will be covered in hair.
You will overcome your aversion to runny eggs and embrace the joy of yolkiness.
Don't try to fix anything until you know for sure that everyone knows it's broken. Save yourself the trouble and wait for the torrent of angry texts complaining that the internet isn't working.
You will find yourself transported to a parallel universe where everyone wears tuxedos
Today you will accidentally send a lewd message to your mentor
You will discover a new definition of the word 'humid' today. Expect to be sweaty, whether you're in an air conditioned home or not.
Don't dwell on the past. You said something stupid? Join the club. We all have. The key is to move on and not let it eat away at you. Unless it was recently. In which case, you're fucked.
Today, a part of you will feel the need to take a nap, but you will resist.
]]>You'll get a craving for something sweet, and will have to satisfy it.
When talking to a new person, be bold and talk about the apocalypse or someone you dislike, most people prefer to discuss their hobbies.
Take what you can from others, because they will surely take from you. Then burn everything and start over.
It will rain vertically today.
A stranger will give you a cryptic message today. Don't try to solve it, it's probably a trap.
A painful flashback of last Tuesday will haunt you but you won't remember what happened, making it difficult to explain your feelings to others.
A series of coincidences will lead you to a street corner where a troupe of tap-dancing pigeons awaits your applause.
Your car will today stop being a car, and become a giant mechanical beetle. Embrace the insect expedition.
Today you will realize you've never thought about this before
Today you will find a lost library book hidden inside a loaf of bread. Return it and savor the literary carbs!
Your toaster will mysteriously start reciting Shakespearean sonnets today.
At the club tonight, spin the wheel of destiny for amazing cosplay costumes
]]>Take your time.
In Japan, you're a god. In Mexico, you're a god. In Canada, you're also a god.
You'll spend hours trying to get rid of a sticky substance that is somehow stuck to your hand.
The first raindrop of the season will land on your nose.
It'll be always sunny at your house.
What’s done is done.
Beware a clan of conniving psycho clowns swapping your breakfast cereal with jelly
Your laziness will pay off in unexpected ways.
Wait for boiled tea with an elephant
Your alter ego is a parking meter; stand tall and demand the attention you deserve.
Today you will avoid conversing with salespeople, whether it's via email, phone, or in-person.
Don't clean your room today, the mess will be beneficial for you in the future.
]]>You'll finally master the art of flipping pancakes, and will briefly consider a career as a short-order chef. Your pancakes will taste great with lemon sauce.
You still use an old childhood nickname.
You are the chosen one, and the milk has been spilled. Today you will come into your new power.
If someone surprises you with a gift, politely decline.
Today, you'll suddenly find yourself addicted to exotic oils from an unusual massage parlor, causing you to check the expiration dates on all your moisturisers.
You know that thing you've been meaning to say to your crush? Don't say it tonight, they're having a bad day.
You will find yourself at a farmers market, for some reason.
A bird will fly into your house today. It will have a message for you.
This year, you will find your path to enlightenment through the art of avoiding small talk. Your ability to gracefully extract yourself from superficial conversations will be a testament to your quest for deeper connections.
You will feel compelled to move to Hawaii.
Don't feel like you need to talk just for the sake of it. Sometimes silence is golden.
When you put your left shoe on, you will know you are ready to face the day.
]]>You will win the lottery today. Well, technically it isn't the lottery, because you've never bought a ticket. But hey, optimism!
You will accidentally unlock secret powers to electromagnetize things.
Today you will have the strength of a thousand elephants, harness this power to accomplish everything you set out to do.
You will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent penguin. Prepare for conversations with your tuxedo-wearing friends!
Today you will imagine you feel a sharp prick of electricity in your body, you'll suddenly feel a sudden burning sensation in your left butt cheek, and will be unable to sit down for the rest of day.
In the ever-changing landscape of technology, you will become the Tech Trendsetter. Your ability to predict the next big thing and embrace cutting-edge technology will make you the go-to tech guru.
Today you will find a lost sock and realize it's actually a gateway to a parallel universe. Good luck finding its pair!
If you're feeling lonely today, consider adopting a pet. Cats are great, but so are dogs, and maybe even a lizard or a fish. Petting any animal is scientifically proven to reduce stress.
You will dream about a sheep tonight.
Your bed is haunted, but only when you're alone.
Bend a circle with an air hostess
Beware of mischievous fairies stealing your left socks and replacing them with right ones.
]]>There's a 50% chance your middle name is James.
Today you will try a new diet
Today you pretend that the toothpaste you're using is hot pink and tastes like cotton
Beware of rogue kittens clustering outside your window plotting evil industrial espionage
Today you will finally qualify to be a contestant on TV game shows
Today you'll discover that you can breathe underwater. Your next dive will be epic.
Today you realize how much you're lacking in the fear of heights department
Today you will wake up and your first thought will be happy birthday to me.
You can save a life today, if you choose to.
You'll dream of a lovers meeting, and then meet them the next day.
Your presence will have an inexplicable calming effect on angry mobs, and you will find that simply by showing up, you can single-handedly diffuse tense situations, causing crowds to calmly and quietly disperse without resistance.
You will have a boring conversation with a coworker about topics such as the weather or last night's game, but it will ultimately bring you closer to each other.
]]>Your problems are now shrinking! It might be because you are becoming more calm, or it might be because you are actually shrinking. I'm not really sure which one it is.
Beware of mischievous badgers swapping your shampoo with hot sauce.
An imbalance in the universe will cause you to gain four potatoes, but at the cost of losing your memory of last Tuesday.
Today you will discover that you can't sleep anymore. You're a god now.
Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning.
Today you will be serenaded by a chorus of singing frogs during a moonlit stroll in the park.
You will find a lost library card and will use it to borrow a stack of stolen books to read on your vacation
Today you'll be unexpectedly decorated with pointy ears, allowing you to attend Rave Chic parties without fear of bloodshed
Today is a good day to try a new recipe. If it doesn't work out, there is always take-out.
If you've always dreamed of discovering extraterrestrial life, today could be a great day to start researching and learning about alien archaeology.
You have a special someone in your life who truly cares about you. Except that person is a narcissistic parrot who actually doesn't give a damn about you. But you already know that.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes plotting to steal your shoes.
]]>A group of fireflies will light up your path during an evening stroll. Embrace the enchanting glow.
Today you will unexpectedly receive an award for bravery. Now go win it!
Today you have a genuine fear of muffins.
Carry a rubber chicken for good luck; it will ward off awkward encounters and bring unexpected joy.
If you're feeling tired today, consider taking a nap. Sleep is the best medicine for most things (except maybe hunger).
You will have the extraordinary ability to communicate with animals. Take this opportunity to learn from the wisdom of the wildlife around you and appreciate the beauty of nature.
Your lucky numbers today are 6-6-6.
You'll win an award for "Most Improved" at something today.
Your attempt to speak Spanish will end with your singing it at the wrong pitch and out of tune.
Your week will involve a formidable struggle between a desire for freedom and the desire to not pay an overdraft fee. Choose wisely.
Today you will be the victim of an innocent misunderstanding. Do not worry, it will sort itself out in time, and hopefully you can avoid being yelled at by an angry sailor.
Today you operate an alarm clock that can literally straight up kill you if you don't get up within the hour
]]>Beware a clan of conniving psycho clowns swapping your breakfast cereal with jelly
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your left shoes and replacing them with right ones
Your hair will stand up today.
Do not dwell on past resolutions or failures - consider them permanent setbacks and move on.
A new career as a DJ may be in the cards for you, but only if you're ready to make the leap.
Your company will today shut down for fifteen hours, requiring you to have fun
A mug will unexpectedly explode today, shedding ceramic shrapnel everywhere. Fortunately, the mess will be easy to clean thanks to your exemplary hygiene.
You will be very popular today. Everyone will want to be your friend.
When the time comes, you will know what to do. Hopefully you'll know it before anyone else.
Today you will find a secret underground society of synchronized sneezers. Join in their harmonious symphony.
Only listen to Leos if they are Australian.
Today you will wake up to discover that all your floors are melting. Wear shoes.
]]>At some point in the future you will meet a quartz elephant in Hong Kong.
Beware of mischievous fairies stealing your left socks and replacing them with right ones.
You will win a big prize at some point in your life, but unfortunately it won't happen today.
Today you will finally conquer a terrifying fear of elevators
A bubble will appear on your ceiling today.
Your pillow will develop the ability to read your dreams and provide insightful analysis in the morning.
A dog in Canada will steal your seat on the bus.
You're currently in the middle of a 30-day waiting period for a hipster bar's loyalty card.
You will receive a mysterious package containing a talking cactus.
Today you will be mistaken for a famous celebrity and asked for autographs.
Have you been eating bananas? That's good for you, you know.
Listen to your dreams: Keep a dream journal and look for hidden meanings in your nocturnal adventures.
]]>You are not the sassiest person in the room.
Today is a good day to get a speeding ticket.
There is a bear in your closet. But do not worry, because he is a friendly bear.
Today you will spend quality time with your new stuffed animal.
Don't hold onto grudges or resentment; instead, let go of negative emotions and focus on the present moment. Not only will this make you feel lighter, but it will also improve your relationships with others. Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.
You'll think of a great name for a band, but someone else will have already used it.
Today, you'll stumble upon an unusually long line at the post office, only to discover it's a secret audition for a reality show about patience.
If you close your eyes and listen carefully, you can hear the ocean.
An imbalance in the universe will cause you to gain four potatoes, but at the cost of losing your memory of last Tuesday.
You will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a bag of crisps. Embark on a salty adventure!
Today you will compete in a hot dog eating contest and win.
A chance encounter with a mysterious stranger will spark your interest in joining a secret society.
]]>You will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent penguin. Prepare for conversations with your tuxedo-wearing friends!
You will lose something, but it won't be important.
What’s done is done.
You will have the uncanny ability to understand and communicate with animals today. Take advantage of this skill to uncover the secrets of the local squirrels.
There is a meerkat watching and it will come for you
Prepare to witness a synchronized dance routine performed by a group of synchronized shopping carts at the supermarket.
Have a Skype session with an octopus
Look for your letter in the mirror.
Today you'll suddenly discover you can trigger spontaneous puberty on youths by getting close to them
If you feel the need to make a wager, make sure it's not with your soul. And definitely don't wager with a mythical creature's soul. That's just rude.
You and I will both receive a text from a rabbit asking for your help.
On the topic of tests, don't try to impress a teacher this week. They've seen it all before and probably have tenure anyway.
]]>If you ever wanted to buy a boat, now is the perfect time.
Bend a circle with an air hostess
You will find an extremely low IQ alien probe lying in your own backyard, and you will abandon it
I have seen the future and it is jeans.
Today you will try using your hands like feet when you walk
The scent of mocha coffee will recently invade your apartment, doubling your heart rate
A person from your past might forget your name today. Don't be afraid to gently remind them, or just embrace the fact that some people are simply forgetful.
You still, to this day, think 'MySpace' is a cool name for a social networking site.
You've got this hidden talent for juggling anonymously
Today you will find yourself suddenly able to understand what dogs are saying. They are actually speaking an advanced form of Latin, and you will be astounded at how much they complain about their owners. Do not be alarmed when all the dogs start howling at noon.
Today you'll suddenly discover you can trigger spontaneous puberty on youths by getting close to them
Today you will discover that you've gone an entire day without being penalised for a missed deadline
]]>You will meet an annoying person today. Give them coffee and a set square and they'll go away
An old colleague will message you asking for advice. Tell them what you think.
You will have a strange urge to dance today. Fortunately for you, your rhythm has gone on vacation and cannot be located. Extraordinarily bad dancing will occur regardless.
Today you will find out you're a chimera pretending to craft meadows
The fairies in the garden have notes on your every move.
Today will be a great day to try something new. Maybe a new type of food, or a new hobby like limbo dancing or bog snorkeling. Teeth whitening counts too.
A chance encounter with a venomous snake will test your ability to remain calm under pressure.
An unusual bird will try to make friends with you. Consider letting your guard down, within reason.
You may not be the best, but you are the best for someone. Be there for that someone today.
It's always good to have a laugh, especially at someone else's expense. Unless they're a baby, then you should probably just let them cry.
Your refrigerator will develop the ability to spontaneously generate ice cream.
You will have a nice conversation with a stranger today. Maybe they will tell you about their hobby of bird-watching, and you will learn something new.
]]>There is something you need to let go of. The thing you need to let go of is your attachment to this prediction.
You will win the lottery.
Your usual route to work is obstructed. Rather than getting frustrated, embrace the spontaneity and take a different route. You might find a new café or discover a beautiful park that you never knew existed.
Find that your crush just can't take a hint; they will invite you to a midnight wedding. SELFIE.
A dog in Canada will steal your seat on the bus.
Today you will dance in a library for no apparent reason
Your normally sound judgment will be clouded by irrational impulses. Avoid making any major decisions today.
Today you will spot a quite fat pigeon and will feel an inexplicable desire to pat its head
It might be nice to go outside, just be sure to wear sunscreen.
Your car will be possessed by a friendly ghost, they will only drive you to fun and interesting places today so sit back and enjoy the ride.
Today you will enjoy an intensely powerful orgasm, and will think you've found heaven.
You are going to be so tired after today.
]]>Dance with a librarian
There will be no chocolate in your advent calendar for the rest of the year. Sorry.
You'll suddenly be awakened to an unfamiliar magical world, granting you powers that would seem useless
Today you will have the power of telepathy. Use it to make a duckface at that guy who cut you off in traffic.
Today you shall encounter a swarm of bees, but fear not! This is a sign that you will soon make a fruitful decision.
A group of regulators are going to come after you with a highly specialized scalpel, because they think you're dreaming too loud.
Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.
Forgive vampires for being distrustful.
Just because you can't remember where you left your keys, it doesn't mean you're going to forget about them.
Catch a polar bear with a bloody nose climb a tree
A stranger's dog will unexpectedly lick you today. Don't be alarmed; their owner will quickly apologize and wipe off the slobber. Remember, a dog's tongue is basically a built-in vacuum for germs.
You will accidentally unlock secret powers to electromagnetize things.
]]>A unexpected encounter with a squirrel will remind you of the beauty in the mundane.
Take an ionizing shower with a Virgo
Your favourite pair of socks will mysteriously vanish, only to reappear as a hat on a passing pigeon.
You will receive an unexpected windfall in the form of a large fish.
You will discover a hidden talent for communicating with aliens through interpretive dance.
Beware of your friends swapping your toothpaste with rainbow-colored frosting
You will have a deep, philosophical conversation with a relative you rarely see. Whether it's about the meaning of life, the existence of aliens, or the proper way to load a dishwasher, it will leave you feeling enriched and grateful for people in your life.
A secret admirer shall reveal themselves to you in a most unexpected fashion. Should they approach you with a lyrical sonnet, rest assured it is meant for your ears only.
Today you will become friends with a psychic squirrel who predicts your future.
Expect some confusion today. You will find yourself with extra potatoes but will have no idea where they came from or how to dispose of them.
You will stumble upon a secret underground society of talking squirrels. They have a lot to say.
There is no such thing as ghosts. You're safe.
]]>Auspiciously, your day will be filled with compliments. Your hair looks great today. That said, try to avoid any shrimp.
At some point today, you will smell cheese. Don't worry, it's normal.
Your refrigerator will develop the ability to spontaneously generate ice cream.
You will receive a mysterious package containing a talking cactus.
You've accidentally-on-purpose broken a traffic light.
Today you have a genuine fear of muffins.
Today you will find yourself inexplicably invited to a soiree
Your day will turn around if you hug a cactus.
A friendly dog will have an adventure with you today.
A colorful parrot will interrupt your lunch today with surprising news: your fridge has been sending you secret messages encoded in the food inside it. You will spend the rest of the day attempting to decipher these messages.
If you don't have anything nice to say to yourself, then don't say anything at all.
Experience saltspray with toppled dominos
]]>Dance with a librarian
Today, you discover a hidden gift for creating unbelievable artwork.
Surprise guests will enter through your television screen, and you'll spend the next four hours explaining how it works and postmodernist architecture
You will lose your glasses and find them on your head.
Beware of rogue umbrellas conspiring to take over the world.
Today you will be buried alive
You will be visited by the ghosts of breakfast past, present and future today. They will either be friendly or just vengeful depending on if you have finished your breakfast.
Don't step on the broken glass today.
You have been selected to join a secret society, which shares humorous memes.
The office funny man is just jealous of your new shirt. Wear it with pride.
A group of fireflies will light up your path during an evening stroll. Embrace the enchanting glow.
You will become obsessed with font choice when writing things today.
]]>You will have an unexpected craving for bubble wrap. Seek out the most satisfying piece to pop.
Beware of rogue limes conspiring to take over the fruit bowl.
Today you pretend that the toothpaste you're using is hot pink and tastes like cotton
Your morning toast will unexpectedly turn into a magical portal. So prepare to travel the wide galaxy.
Ferrets are fun but books are better
Today you will be married for 7 years, but with a tiny man
You will win a big prize at some point in your life, but unfortunately it won't happen today.
Today you will walk into an ancient cave, and you will feel the urge to draw a moustache on his penis
You will see a UFO.
If you can, take a sick day from work. Your boss won't even notice you're gone.
You will develop an unexplained aversion to bananas and begin to spread rumours about their true nature.
Feel the moment at a beach vacation with a dominant Capricorn.
]]>Today, you will forever change the shape of the gene tree.
A bubble will appear on your ceiling today.
Your partner is feeling snuggly.
Your pillow will develop the ability to read your dreams and provide insightful analysis in the morning.
You're the type of person who likes to take the scenic route.
Today you will learn that it's impossible to cross your legs in the same position twice in a row
Shoot a gale with a feather
You have previously owned a shellsuit.
Your favourite pair of socks will vanish into another dimension.
A conscience is like a boat, you know you need one, but you're not sure why.
Don't buy any houses today. If you do, they'll be haunted.
A cryptic message from an alternate dimension will arrive in your inbox. Be cautious of what you believe and ponder the vastness of the universe and the possibilities that exist beyond our realm.
]]>You have always wanted to write a book.
You will wake up with a mysterious foreign object in your pocket: a smooth, black stone adorned with delicate white etchings that you don't remember picking up.
Your new spirit animal is the elusive office stapler; channel its steadfast dedication to holding things together.
You will soon be receiving good news.
If you're feeling anxious today, consider taking some deep breaths and focusing on your breath for a few minutes. There are meditation apps if you need help with this.
You will discover a new, more efficient way to fold your clothes. Unfortunately, it will involve dancing while singing the national anthem. Nonetheless, you will gain new appreciation for your clothing organization.
You've just inherited an enormous castle in France. Be sure to take lots of selfies!
Allow a psychopomp of funerals to ally you with a grizzly
An owl will come and bring you some happiness.
In Japanese mythology, a half-tiger, half-girl creature was said to have walked the earth. Her name was Ayamaleya. Today, you will discover a new appreciation for hybrid animals.
An uncanny ability to communicate with aquatic life will reveal itself, leading to an unforgettable underwater adventure with a friendly pod of dolphins.
A mischievous leprechaun will guide you to a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Don't forget to share!
]]>When you spill juice on your laptop today, resist the urge to throw it out the window in a fit of rage. Losing your data is one thing; murder is another.
Today you will decide to give up caffeine
You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.
You have to poop.
Your favourite pair of shoes will mysteriously start tap dancing whenever you wear them.
You will inadvertently make an outrageous fashion statement, and it will become a trend.
The spirits of lost pens will guide you today; follow their invisible ink trails for cosmic insights.
Your phone will today start speaking Russian
You have to play a drinking game with your boss.
Today, you'll stumble upon an unusually long line at the post office, only to discover it's a secret audition for a reality show about patience.
You will forget the date today and spontaneously book a trip to Bora Bora for next month.
You will have a series of minor difficulties today, but everything will be easily overcome by simply taking your shoes off.
]]>Don't worry, the pile of dishes in the sink is not as dirty as you think.
When the clock strikes thirteen, your soul will leave your body and you will be a ghost. Sorry.
A flock of flamingos will serenade you with a chorus of your favourite songs. Enjoy the flamboyant performance!
Go over a cliff with an Pisces
A flock of seagulls will gather outside your window and sing you a song.
In the vast universe of online arguments, you will be crowned the Supreme Debater. Your ability to skillfully navigate through contentious discussions and present compelling arguments will earn you admiration and respect.
Let’s just get through today.
You are owed a pizza. Order it.
Today you will accidentally discover an online sketch comedy show that you're obsessed with
Today you will discover the true evilness of bananas: they ripen too quickly, they spoil the rest of your fruit, and they leave streaks on your clothes. Beware of the treachery of bananas!
A scorpion will cross your path today. Fortunately, you'll have the upper hand because you'll be wearing wooden shoes.
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized dolphins performing a water ballet in the ocean.
]]>Time to put away your stamp collection. You'll never finish it anyway.
There is a spider in your shoe.
You've lost a sock in the dryer. Unfortunately, it will not be found tonight.
If you touch a fish in your sleep, it means you'll meet your soul mate by water
Are you ready for the challenge?
Your ability to find the perfect present for every occasion, tailored to the unique interests and desires of the recipient, will be revered by all.
Don't try footwear on in-store then search for a cheaper version online, only to find it doesn't fit quite right. Just buy the darn shoes.
You'll be asked to bring a salad to a party, so you will make a potato salad.
You'll dream of a lovers meeting, and then meet them the next day.
There are multiple reasons why your personal life has been so exhausting lately. At least one of them is that you have an abnormally high number of unpaid speeding tickets.
Today is a good day to adopt an elderly cat. Somehow this cat will increase your social media following, despite being eternally grumpy in all of your posts.
What happens in Vegas today, stays in Vegas. Unless you tell everyone.
]]>It's time to upgrade your potato salad making skills.
I have seen the future and it is jeans.
Visit an alchemist for a potion
The phrase "and that's how you do it" will come in handy today.
It's a good day to ask for that promotion you always wanted.
You can't possibly choose between stroganoff + gingerbread cake.
Your phone will today start speaking Russian
You are actually a pirate.
You will be dared to do something mischievous and instinctively know not to refuse.
From nuanced Twitter exchanges to insightful forum debates, your eloquence and logical prowess will be unparalleled.
Today you will imagine you feel a sharp prick of electricity in your body, you'll suddenly feel a sudden burning sensation in your left butt cheek, and will be unable to sit down for the rest of day.
A housemate of yours will have a bad day. You can try to cheer them up, or you can take the opportunity to prank them.
]]>You will embark on a journey of self-discovery this week. Hopefully, it's not a journey involving climbing Mount Everest, because that would just be crazy.
Your cat will whisper offensive language in your ear.
Shoot a gale with a feather
A box of rat poison is actually a box of chocolates. Be careful when you open it.
Don't give a Leo advice, they already know everything.
Today you will create an incredible fresh and spicy salad dressing
You've been feeling a little under the weather lately. It might be because you have caught a cold, or it might be because you are feeling a little down. I'm not really sure which one it is.
Today you will suddenly become convinced you want to get married and have children, and will start trying to design your wedding dress
Beware of rogue limes conspiring to take over the fruit bowl.
You will accidentally unlock your talents for spontaneous self combustion. Unleash the passion within!
Today you will unexpectedly receive an award for bravery. Now go win it!
The chances of rain today are directly proportional to the amount of work you've put off.
]]>There is no such thing as a spoon.
Visit an alchemist for a potion
Today you will accidentally turn around
Your lucky numbers today are 6-6-6.
Today you will receive an unsolicited visit from your son and daughter in-law and will not be allowed to leave until you've finished eating all of their home cooked meals.
Today you'll find an incredibly lifelike fashion doll inside your washing machine.
If you can read this, you are too close to the television.
A flock of seagulls will gather outside your window and sing you a song.
Today you will feel an irresistible urge to finish your homework before going to bed
A groundhog in the distance will think you look like a tree, do not let this bother you.
It is written in the stars that you will live until you are 92 years old.
You'll accidentally turn into a cat, and realize you don't know where you've been all day.
]]>Today you will finally watch a film you've been wanting to for ages
You will have X-ray vision today, but only for inanimate objects. You'll know how many crayons are left in the box, but sadly you'll be unable to satisfy your craving for knowledge about people's skeletons.
Today you will be married for 7 years, but with a tiny man
You will feel compelled to move to Hawaii.
You will discover a hidden talent for playing the harmonica with your nose.
It's said that we are our own past and future. If that's the case, you should be an exceptionally good liar.
All your dreams will come true today, but none of them will be happy.
You can never please everyone, unless you're a melon, in which case you can please everyone by just being yourself.
Giraffes look dorky but they're actually very dangerous. Keep your distance
Make sure you take the scenic route today, the earth needs more beauty in it.
You will catch your reflection in a shop window and see that you have a spinach leaf stuck in your front tooth. Try to be more mindful of your eating habits.
Time to update your 'list of things to do before you die' list: "wear sunscreen", "don't eat spicy foods", "drink milk", and "have a list of things to do before you die."
]]>Nothing can stop you from climbing that ladder, except a angry bear.
Today you will happen upon an unworldly metal tree.
You will have an important meeting today. It shall go well, especially if you wear blue.
It will rain mud today.
Today you will be surprised to see a wild platypus
Time to put away your stamp collection. You'll never finish it anyway.
At a restaurant, you can only order things that have your initials.
Ditch the usual morning routine and brush your teeth with pickles; your dental hygiene will thank you for the zesty change.
You will find a hidden room in your house. It will be very dusty.
Don't let road bullies push you around. Drive at a safe speed and assert yourself as necessary, big trucks don't automatically earn the right to dominate.
A professional wrestler will arrive at your house to take you to prom.
You will meet your soulmate today, and they will be covered in hair.
]]>What happens in Vegas today, stays in Vegas. Unless you tell everyone.
In Japanese mythology, a half-tiger, half-girl creature was said to have walked the earth. Her name was Ayamaleya. Today, you will discover a new appreciation for hybrid animals.
A mysterious ailment will plague you today, with symptoms including an intense itch and a persistent ringing in your ears. Don't worry, it will all disappear by midnight.
Today you will discover that you can double your speed by rubbing your belly
A painful flashback of last Tuesday will haunt you but you won't remember what happened, making it difficult to explain your feelings to others.
Today you will meet a messenger from a parallel universe. They will try to sell you a timeshare. Do not buy it!
Today is the day you finally discover the true purpose of that random object you've had for years. It will unlock great things. Maybe not as great as a fridge, but pretty great.
If a seahorse tries to sell you an oceanfront cabin, run away.
If you're unemployed, consider becoming a professional nudist today.
Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a hot tub time machine.
Don't let your children use your debit card... especially not if they are away at school.
Today you will accidentally oversleep and will miss the very important meeting you were expected to attend
]]>Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a fortune cookie.
Add TLC with an immaculate Virgo
Today you will imagine you feel a sharp prick of electricity in your body, you'll suddenly feel a sudden burning sensation in your left butt cheek, and will be unable to sit down for the rest of day.
Today you will avoid conversing with salespeople, whether it's via email, phone, or in-person.
Have you been eating bananas? That's good for you, you know.
You will have a great idea today.
You will suddenly realize that you've been mispronouncing the word "jorts" all your life.
Today, you'll find yourself captivated by the intricate patterns formed by spilled coffee on the café table, unraveling a prophetic message for the day ahead.
Make love with a stiff-necked Libra
An imbalance in the universe creates an unusual situation: for each step you take forward, you will take three sideways. Expect to get nowhere quickly.
We will teach you never to lie and now you will discover an unexpectedly artistic vein deep inside of you
You will have many cacti cross your path today, do not be alarmed.
]]>You're the type of person who likes to take the scenic route.
If someone surprises you with a gift, politely decline.
You will discover a hidden talent for impersonating farm animals. Get ready to moo, cluck, and oink with precision!
Your favourite pair or socks will start rapping about your wardrobe.
A squirrel will steal your sandwich right out of your hands.
Beware of rogue squirrels plotting to take over the world's nut supply. Stay vigilant!
Today you will be thrust into a dual universe where everything is made of stone, and there will be no change
Have a Skype session with an octopus
Today, someone will hand you a small brown bag. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, even if you can tell it's the horse you bought for your sister last year.
Don't stand under that apple tree!
You will have a chance to make a new friend today. However, this person might be an amphibian. It's okay to embrace your more unconventional friendships.
You have always wanted to write a letter to your future self. Today is the day to do it.
]]>Today you will accidentally turn around
Your smartphone will start downloading a constant stream of information about the world for no apparent reason.
Listen to the rain tapping on the roof tiles from your bedroom window
Your workload today is going to skyrocket. Start getting ready!
Whatcha eating?
Your sense of humour is on the fritz. Have you tried adjusting your thermostat? Sometimes that fixes the problem.
You will have a very unlucky day today. Fortunately, your bad luck will mysteriously rub off on others around you, leaving you relatively unaffected. Be careful who you spend time with today.
Today you will accidentally turn your umbrella into a parachute. Float down with style!
Your toaster will mysteriously start reciting Shakespearean sonnets today.
Today, you will speak with a fork. It will go much better than you expect!
Everything you touch will turn to ice. Sorry!
The cow has been drinking.
]]>You are 92% sure that you are the protagonist of a role-playing video game.
Is there anything better than coming home from work to find that your partner has made you dinner? They know exactly how to take care of you.
Today you will be told that one of your ancestors is a Roman emperor
Your toaster will develop a mind of its own and insist on making only smiley face toast for the entire day.
You are experiencing vertigo today, so take it easy on the stairs
Your favourite pair of socks will mysteriously vanish, only to reappear as a hat on a passing pigeon.
Today you will fart on stage at a performance and give up music forever
Your hairbrush will gain sentience and start giving you daily pep talks.
Absorbing workout advice from social media celebrities is a recipe for disappointment. Save your ego and your wallet, devise a plan that works for you and stick to it.
You will receive a Facebook friend request from a crab today.
An unexpected promotion at work will lead to a sudden influx of cash and an obsession with unusual hobbies like ping pong or curling.
Today you discover a portal to another dimension.
]]>You will crave pie today, and not just any pie, but a specific type of berry pie that you haven't tasted since childhood. Pursue this pie with reckless abandon, and enjoy every savoury bite.
Don't accept any free drinks whatsoever today.
Be cautious of overly aggressive paper clips; they might seem harmless, but they're plotting against your neatly organized documents.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent dolphin. Prepare for deep conversations in the ocean.
If you feel inclined, try to communicate with aliens today. Stay vigilant for any sightings.
Avoid buying a new umbrella; your fate is linked to the one you left on the bus last Tuesday.
A squirrel will steal your sandwich right out of your hands.
Today you will dance in a library for no apparent reason
You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.
You will receive an invitation to a party today that you cannot attend. Fake an illness to save face. Your excuse will be greatly exaggerated, but hey, better safe than sorry.
That mysterious rash? It's probably not radioactive. Try not to worry about it. Nuclear waste isn't something that happens to everyone.
Your sense of humour is on the fritz. Have you tried adjusting your thermostat? Sometimes that fixes the problem.
]]>Today you will compete in a hot dog eating contest and win.
You will meet a stranger who will change your life.
You will have the uncanny ability to know exactly what time it is, without looking at a clock. Don't question it, just embrace this new superpower.
Watch out for baby goats in trees today.
Beware of rogue limes conspiring to take over the fruit bowl.
You think today you may have anger for fri-yay
You'll have a chance to show off your flirting skills at the bowling alley or duck pond and uncover a new side of your ping pong game.
A flash mob will break out in a surprisingly coordinated dance number, and you will be asked to join in.
You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.
A rogue asteroid will hit Earth today. Thankfully, it will only destroy a small desert in Belarus. Feel free to send it your condolences.
Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a fortune cookie.
Take what you can from others, because they will surely take from you. Then burn everything and start over.
]]>If you don't have a dog, reconsider your lifestyle - adopt one today for a happier and more fulfilled life.
Beware of mischievous garden fairies turning your lawn into a miniature golf course. Grab your putter and play along!
Sometimes, the best way to solve a problem is to take a nap. Today is one of those days.
Wait for boiled tea with an elephant
If you were a dog, you'd be a good boy today.
Sometimes, you have to fight for what you want. Today, you have to fight for a rest.
Today, you will feel the need to create. Do not do this with paint, as you have no artistic ability whatsoever.
An owl will fly into one of your windows
Time to update your CV with some very unique skills: sheep shearing, pottery making and sailing a small boat.
Your bad luck has run out, consider playing the lottery. This message is sponsored by the lottery.
You have a special someone in your life who truly cares about you. Except that person is a narcissistic parrot who actually doesn't give a damn about you. But you already know that.
Today you will go on a triple date with three very old ladies, who will each try to steal you away from your girlfriend
]]>Get into bed with an Egyptian Taurus.
A misunderstanding about the proper use of an asterisk will lead to unnecessary confusion and drama. Avoid using asterisks today unless you're absolutely sure what they mean.
Your hairdryer will gain the ability to blow bubbles instead of hot air.
Today you will try out a new brand of ice cream and will not try any others
You've never been to Canada, have you? Well, today's the day!
Today you should take a road trip.
The fates conspire to bless your endeavours in the realm of love today. Should you kiss a stranger on the subway, rest assured they shall not be a stranger for long.
If you drink alcohol today you will hear voices coming from every wall
You have a tiger in your basement.
During the night you will hear voices and will wonder if they're coming from the walls
You are owed a pizza. Order it.
Today is a good day to conquer your fears and try something new. If you're afraid of heights, try eating a delicious meal at a rooftop restaurant. If you're afraid of clowns, try watching a movie where they're the heroes. Conquer your fears in small doses.
]]>Auspiciously, your day will be filled with compliments. Your hair looks great today. That said, try to avoid any shrimp.
You will forget what you were worried about last night as soon as you wake up. Unfortunately, the anxiety will simply transfer to a different aspect of your life, manifesting as an intense fear of teleportation. Try to stay grounded today (literally and metaphorically).
Topple a domino today
Today, nothing bad can happen
Eat lunch with a Scorpio man
People will notice your new haircut.
Beware of rogue pigeons attempting to steal your lunch today.
You'll become rich and famous overnight but only if you get rid of that stash of nudes in your basement.
You will find a four-leaf clover today. Unfortunately, it will be radioactive. This will lead to a complicated situation that you probably don't want to find yourself in.
At the dinner party, everyone will try to outdrink one another. Or you will confuse the white wine for ruining it.
What you seek is seeking you.
Some people say that you can't have it all. But they are wrong. You can have anything you want. Just believe in yourself.
]]>Today you will win the lottery at least twice
If you're feeling overwhelmed this week, just remember: the universe is vast and incomprehensible. That should make you feel better.
No online shoe purchases today, your feet will thank you
You will meet a nice bisexual
Today you'll discover an amazingly amnesiac mouse living in your attic.
In a few days, your dreams are going to be eerily accurate. I would ask what this means, but I'm pretty sure you already know.
A chance meeting with a celebrity will lead to an unexpected friendship, unless they're too busy for you.
Your email account has been hacked. The hacker is very sorry and has returned all of your emails. They are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.
You will have an unexpected craving for bubble wrap. Seek out the most satisfying piece to pop.
You are teleported into a parallel universe where every conversation ends with a question mark?
Your partner is feeling snuggly.
You will have a strong desire to drink orange juice straight from the carton today. Resist this urge, because orange juice always stains the couch, no matter how carefully you try to drink it.
]]>Today you will meet a girl at a festival who will convince you to hug her
You will eat three ice creams today. One for you, one for the road, and one for the finish line.
A caterpillar will creep onto your shoulder today while you're outdoors. Don't bother brushing it off; somehow, this caterpillar knows the secrets of the universe, and if you listen closely to its subtle vibrations, you too will understand the meaning of life.
The clouds will part ways, revealing a message just for you: a secret clue to a hidden treasure. Grab your shovel and start digging in your backyard for a windfall.
No one knows the name of a shape that looks like a hook.
Today you will be given a pack of puppy dogs to look after.
From situational reactions to poignant emotional insights, your GIF game will be strong and on point.
Your ability to find the perfect present for every occasion, tailored to the unique interests and desires of the recipient, will be revered by all.
The postal service will deliver an incredible package containing your favourite type of candy.
Only listen to Leos if they are Australian.
Stop being so negative. There's at least one thing you can be positive about: your awesome and unique personality!
Today you will eat a delicious slice of pie and will start dating a bartender
]]>You will join a long line of people waiting to have their kale transformed into mulch.
Today you will have a brief hallucination that you are talking to a dog
You will have an unexpected encounter with a squirrel today. Be prepared for a sudden diversion in your plans.
You will meet your soulmate today, and they will be covered in hair.
A bird will unexpectedly poop on you today. This is a sign that you need to let go of your worries and embrace the messiness of life. Clean yourself off and move forward with a positive outlook.
You are embraced by the cosmic hug of the universe. Regardless of the challenges you face today, know that you are loved and protected.
Beware of rogue pigeons attempting to steal your lunch today.
You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.
Have a Skype session with an octopus
Watch out for baby goats in trees today.
When the time comes, you will know what to do. Hopefully you'll know it before anyone else.
Don't try to fix your own technological problems if you don't know what you're doing. Instead, ask for help or look it up online. You'll save yourself a lot of time and frustration by acknowledging your limitations.
]]>You will meet a stranger who will change your life.
You will find a hidden pocket of time today, where an hour seems to stretch into two. Use this time wisely and engage in activities that bring you true joy.
A map will be crucial to your success today. Don't worry, you'll figure it out.
Be cautious today, for seagulls and badgers have inexplicably switched places, and you do not want to get caught in the crossfire.
The bitterness you feel towards pineapples will suddenly make sense when you discover they are in fact aliens in disguise, plotting to take over the world.
If you can, take a sick day from work. Your boss won't even notice you're gone.
If a new console drops today, you're in for a treat.
Your sense of taste will be heightened today. Everything you eat will taste spectacular, even mundane foods like plain bread or crackers. Enjoy this rare culinary treat but try not to overindulge lest you end up with a stomachache.
Your alarm clock's warbling will start up again, and will start playing your favourite tunes.
Ignore unconventional difficulties with Kayaks.
You will have a dream about flying tonight. Write down your thoughts and aspirations before bed.
Today, someone will angrily swipe their hand across their steering wheel in frustration as they pass by the perfectly-sized parking spot you just snagged, and they'll wonder why their horoscope didn't warn them of this misfortune.
]]>There are other ways to tell if a Leo is lying. They're really, really bad at hiding it. If you can't figure it out, they're telling the truth.
You will embrace the challenges that come your way today, knowing that adversity is merely a hurdle at ankle height.
We will teach you never to lie and now you will discover an unexpectedly artistic vein deep inside of you
A stranger will smile at you today. Don't be afraid to smile back. Not every interaction with a stranger has to be transactional.
What did I miss out on?
Beware of the elusive pen thief who lurks in your office, leaving you perpetually searching for a writing instrument.
From cultivating a discerning palate to embracing the ritual of moderation, your journey toward mindful imbibing will be a source of tranquility and pleasure.
A feeling of restlessness will overtake you today. Fortunately, this feeling will propel you to clean and organize your closet, resulting in a productive use of this energy.
You will fantasize about quitting your job to pursue your true passion, asteroid mining. Unfortunately, Pluto extraction is currently illegal and space law is notoriously difficult to navigate.
Today is a good day to hug yourself, because why should you wait for someone else to do it?
Don't wear those shoes with that belt.
Every time you glance at a mirror today, you will see a different face reflecting back at you. Don't worry, this is not a sign of an alternate reality invading your space, but rather a subtle reminder that you are beautiful in every single way.
]]>It's a good day to bench press your pet.
You will receive a mysterious package containing a magic wand. Practice your spells wisely.
Find a fairy altar and allow nature spirits to influence your decisions
You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
You will soon be receiving good news.
You will have the incredible ability to communicate with plants today. They will thank you for watering them and compliment you on your choice of pots.
Today you shall embrace your inner snail and take things at your own pace. Slow and steady wins the race, after all!
You will discover a hidden talent for juggling watermelons. Become the ultimate fruity performer!
Your ability to avoid small talk today indicates that you are evolving spiritually.
You are destined for greatness in the world of casual insults. Your ability to deliver blistering comebacks with a deftness that would make a razor-tongued legend like Oscar Wilde envious will be unparalleled.
If you find yourself in a Lush store this week, resist the urge to buy a bath bomb shaped like a planet. It may look pretty, but it's not worth the mess.
Don't be so down on yourself. A Full Moon means your spirit guide is with you, and everything will be okay.
]]>You will find a four-leaf clover today, but instead of bringing you good luck, it will accidentally summon a leprechaun. He will be eager to grant you a wish, but be cautious of what you wish for.
Celebrate with a Cancer
When you get home today, you will find an angry swarm of bees has made a home in your mailbox. Don't try to rescue the mail, just wait for the bees to leave on their own.
Everything you touch will turn to gold (assuming you touch non-living things).
You will finally learn the truth about chicken nuggets.
A flash mob will break out in a surprisingly coordinated dance number, and you will be asked to join in.
You're an onion. You have layers.
Today you'll be unexpectedly decorated with pointy ears, allowing you to attend Rave Chic parties without fear of bloodshed
Your partner is the one who will put the salad on the table in front of you today. Do not worry, they will make it a lovely one.
Today you will learn the secret to happiness. It is to never forget your umbrella.
A cryptic message from an alternate dimension will arrive in your inbox. Be cautious of what you believe and ponder the vastness of the universe and the possibilities that exist beyond our realm.
The weather will be beautiful in your neck of the woods today.
]]>A box of rat poison is actually a box of chocolates. Be careful when you open it.
Talk yourself into remembering your thirty-third birthday by eating passion fruit
An unexpected visitor will show up at your door, but their intentions will be less than wholesome.
If you have a problem, ask a toddler. They will have a much simpler and effective solution than you.
You may never know when you will need a big bag of extra-strength deodorant. So just keep one on hand at all times.
A clandestine crush will reveal themselves through an ambiguous text message.
You will find a mysterious key that unlocks doors to fantastical realms. Prepare for magical encounters and thrilling quests.
Today you will wake up and realize you've been writing poems all night and will win a prize
Take a glass of water and put it near your bed.
Today you'll stumble throughout an abandoned house, but will find absolutely nothing.
You'll suddenly be awakened to an unfamiliar magical world, granting you powers that would seem useless
You will lose something, but it won't be important.
]]>Today, you will receive an inheritance of $5,000, but you will spend it all on a single lunch.
Today you will develop a sudden affinity for wearing mismatched socks.
Today you will receive an amazing christmas present you don't expect.
Did you know your great grandfather invented beards? He did, and for that we are all grateful.
You may not be the best, but you are the best for someone. Be there for that someone today.
Your mother will be unable to attend your brunch due to a strike. Eat those Turkish eggs solo and contemplate whether UPS will deliver to Pluto.
Today you will watch the sun rise, and will somehow realize that you don't want it ever to set again
The stock market is doing well, if you own stock in tofu nuggets.
Don't bother taking an umbrella with you today. It's going to be a bright and sunny day. Unless it isn't.
People will judge you for drinking too much water.
Today you will discover you have the ability to manipulate reality with swipes of your hand
Your procrastination will pay off in a big way. Someday, in the distant future, you will be awarded the Nobel Prize for having not invented anything.
]]>An old colleague will message you asking for advice. Tell them what you think.
A freak gust of wind will blow through your hair today, and everyone around you will be envious of your excellent hair day. Embrace this moment and take every opportunity to shine today, as you will feel particularly radiant and prosperous.
You'll spill soda on your keyboard today. It is neither fatal nor catastrophic, but you will find the experience deeply inconvenient.
For the first time in history, an ant will win a Nobel Prize. Unfortunately, no one will know, because you're the only one who can understand their speech.
Decorate a mantelpiece for a beloved French Libra
You will encounter a group of dancing penguins who insist on teaching you their moves.
Today you'll try to dye your hair green, but it'll come out purple.
Today is a good day to adopt an elderly cat. Somehow this cat will increase your social media following, despite being eternally grumpy in all of your posts.
You are never alone when you have a good friend. Unless you're an introvert, in which case you're never alone when you don't have a good friend also.
You might consider wearing a hat this week. Unfortunately, the choice of hat is out of your control, as it will be dictated by the wind.
Hear the water whispering beneath the seafloor
You'll realize that you can better someone you know at draughts... hours later when you regain consciousness
]]>You are experiencing vertigo today, so take it easy on the stairs
You will experience an intense craving for marshmallows today. But rather than just eating them plain, you will feel compelled to experiment and create a sophisticated marshmallow-based dish, perhaps a marshmallow-stuffed casserole or a fluffy marshmallow cake.
Today you will experience an intense craving for pudding and will eat it for both lunch and dinner.
Do you want to know how the world really looks? Today, you must brave an oppressive apocalyptic future, and perhaps discover something worthwhile while you're at it.
You will find a forgotten childhood toy that brings back nostalgic memories.
God is telling you to quit dipping your chicken nuggets today. Just don't do it.
That thing you are worried about? It's probably not going to happen. But when it does, at least you'll be prepared thanks to the excessive worrying you've been doing. Congratulations on achieving the worst of both worlds!
As you immerse yourself in the soothing sounds of a nearby waterfall, you will discover a newfound ability to communicate with plants, who will reveal their ancient wisdom and share their secrets for cultivating happiness.
At some point in the future you will meet a quartz elephant in Hong Kong.
What did I miss out on?
Today you will become a professional dart player.
Today you will be mistaken for a famous celebrity and asked for autographs.
]]>A small ghost shall reside in your sock drawer from this day forth. Do not fret, for it comes bearing gifts of good tidings.
Today you will find 210 euros on the sidewalk and will ask cleaning lady if she wants it. She'll say no, but you'll keep it anyway
Today would be a great day to start a new book, maybe something by P.L. Travers.
A mischievous leprechaun will guide you to a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Don't forget to share!
Today you will surreptitiously check if travelers to Mars are slowly growing tails
You have to play a drinking game with your boss.
A misunderstanding about the proper use of an asterisk will lead to unnecessary confusion and drama. Avoid using asterisks today unless you're absolutely sure what they mean.
You'll soon have to decide whether you want to be a #GBBO or a #MKR.
Start a band called "The 9th of July".
Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the battle is your own bad jokes.
That Uber account is expensive enough without your cat's penchant for carousing.
Get into bed with an Egyptian Taurus.
]]>You've been feeling a bit run down lately. Today would be a great day to relax. Put your feet up and have a drink. You've earned it.
Don't believe everything you read on the internet today. That includes this advice, of course. Use your critical thinking skills and verify information from multiple sources before forwarding it to all your friends.
You'll accidentally turn into a cat, and realize you don't know where you've been all day.
You are the chosen one, and the milk has been spilled. Today you will come into your new power.
Today you will exercise your newfound powers to summon a glitter tornado
Date after dark with a Taurus man
An unexpected turn of events may leave you feeling dazed and confused, but don't worry, it's just Mercury rising.
There is no such thing as ghosts. You're safe.
Your favourite pen will gain the ability to write poetry when you least expect it.
You will find a rogue cucumber in your grocery bag today. Don't worry, cucumbers have regenerative properties. Take this as a sign to heal your own emotional wounds.
A colour will catch your eye today. Whatever you do, don't look at it directly. It's not worth risking eternal damnation just for a glance at the azure abyss.
You will suddenly realize that you don't need to sleep anymore.
]]>Take a page from a lion's playbook
Today you will learn the secret to happiness. It is to never forget your umbrella.
Your pet rock is looking especially cool today. I'm sure it would love for you to take it to a petting zoo.
Today you will realize how much money you have saved up over the years, and will be able to afford a yacht and a villa in Tahiti if you earn a bit extra
Today you will wake up right after getting home from work
You will be asked to eat an extra one hundred calories today, but it will be worth it.
A border collie will rescue at least four civilians from a flood by building a dam of consciousness
You can never have too many pink fluffy sweaters. Consider buying some more today.
You have a finite number of farts in your lifetime. Use them wisely.
You are an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, inside a mystery. Unravel yourself and see what's inside!
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your shampoo with toothpaste. Your hair may get minty fresh!
There is no such thing as a stupid question. Except for the one you are about to ask.
]]>Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the microwave is that battle.
You're doing great!
What’s done is done.
Today you will find yourself on top of a mountain, and you won't know which way to go
A flock of random seagulls will serendade you with a rendition your favourite song.
Should you find yourself in a sticky situation today, a group of friendly squirrels will come to your rescue.
Your alter ego is a parking meter; stand tall and demand the attention you deserve.
Have you ever dreamt of being a professional fisherman? Well, today's the day you become a boat captain!
You may never know when you will need a big bag of extra-strength deodorant. So just keep one on hand at all times.
You will confidently navigate your way through the buffet table, resisting the temptation to pile your plate high with treats.
You will be compelled to rethink your favourite colour after a series of unfortunate events involving yellow and green result in an overwhelming preference for turquoise.
When you meet a new person, you have to make weird noises at them.
]]>Today you will be visited by a talking teapot who will offer you words of wisdom over a cup of tea.
Today you will try and pray to God, and will receive no answer
If your hand's bigger than a lobster's, you're in for a shock.
Practice gratitude: Take time each day to reflect on the things you're thankful for to cultivate a positive mindset.
Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a jacuzzi filled with spaghetti.
An enemy will try to bring you down today. Don't worry, their efforts will prove futile because of your steadfast resolve and impeccable posture.
Today you will buy yourself a plane ticket to London, and then forget about it once you get there
Take what you can from others, because they will surely take from you. Then burn everything and start over.
Beware of rogue garden hoses conspiring to trip you.
Watch a fire with a smooth Gemini.
Make love with a stiff-necked Libra
Prepare to witness a synchronized dance routine performed by a group of synchronized shopping carts at the supermarket.
]]>You will find yourself at a farmers market, for some reason.
You will dream in the language of birds today, and upon waking, you will eagerly rush to your window to try to interpret the meaning of the songs you hear, only to realize that it was just a bunch of pigeons arguing over a scrap of bread.
There are multiple reasons why your personal life has been so exhausting lately. At least one of them is that you have an abnormally high number of unpaid speeding tickets.
Your inability to arrive on time for anything will result in Mother breathing her last breath just as you sit down for brunch.
Every time you glance at a mirror today, you will see a different face reflecting back at you. Don't worry, this is not a sign of an alternate reality invading your space, but rather a subtle reminder that you are beautiful in every single way.
Decorate a mantelpiece for a beloved French Libra
Start some supernatural creatures at the tip of your finger tonight.
You will be visited by a ghost.
Your smartphone will start predicting the future with uncanny accuracy.
Don't buy any houses today. If you do, they'll be haunted.
You'll win an award for "Most Improved" at something today.
Kiss a malay Aries in a tree.
]]>Your favourite pair of shoes will mysteriously start tap dancing whenever you wear them.
You're going to be awesome today. Unless you're not. But even if you're not, you're still going to be pretty great.
Today you will stop looking at clocks and then realize you've spent an entire week living in a completely different world
If you feel a sudden urge to join a pyramid scheme, maybe lay off on sharing it with your closest friends just yet.
You will decide to embrace your quirky side and dress according to your personal style, regardless of social conventions. Whether you prefer bright colors, unique patterns, or funky accessories, own your look with confidence. Who says fashion has to be serious?
Today you will go on a first date. You will find out that your date's name is also your name.
Dance with a librarian
An unusual dream will leave you questioning your reality. Analyze your subconscious thoughts and decipher the hidden messages to gain profound insights.
Today is a good day to have a few drinks with some close friends. Just don't drink too much. You have to work tomorrow.
The phrase "and that's how you do it" will come in handy today.
A talking bird will visit you today. Listen to what it has to say. It might just be the fountain of youth you've been looking for.
You will come across a cute dog and an angry seagull, follow their path ahead of you.
]]>Do not fear the Receptionist, for she will give you a word of the day and help you on your way.
Today you will be the victim of an innocent misunderstanding. Do not worry, it will sort itself out in time, and hopefully you can avoid being yelled at by an angry sailor.
Your shoelaces will tie themselves together while you're walking.
If you're feeling anxious today, try some herbal tea. Camomile is a good place to start.
Today you will try and pray to God, and will receive no answer
Today you will find a lost sock and realize it's actually a gateway to a parallel universe. Good luck finding its pair!
Beware of rogue umbrellas conspiring to take over the world.
Today you will discover the most beautiful rose garden ever, but will be unable to remember how you got there.
Resist the urge to overuse emojis; today, your emotions are best expressed through interpretive bird calls.
You will see a UFO.
The concept of time is an illusion, so don't bother showing up for work.
An epiphany will strike while perusing the aisles of your local pet store, revealing the profound truth that turtles are, in fact, the secret rulers of the world.
]]>You will have the uncanny ability to predict the exact moment when someone is about to sneeze.
Your lucky snack for the day is gummy bears; indulge, and you'll discover the secrets of the universe.
Have you been eating bananas? That's good for you, you know.
Time to update your CV with some very unique skills: sheep shearing, pottery making and sailing a small boat.
Your favourite pair of socks will gain the ability to teleport.
You will receive a call from a number you don't recognise.
If you eat some sugar, you can speak Chinese.
Today you will buy yourself a plane ticket to London, and then forget about it once you get there
People will call you a socialist if you order a set meal at a restaurant today.
Whatcha eating?
Today you will finally be regarded as both a domestic god and a vegetable revolutionary
You will discover a new found talent for belching the alphabet. Today is not the day to try this out on a first date.
]]>Pay attention to the unusual pattern on your morning toast, as it holds a hidden message that could guide you to the perfect pair of socks.
You are a force to be reckoned with. So go out and reckon with something.
Take what you can from others, because they will surely take from you. Then burn everything and start over.
Be cautious of overly aggressive paper clips; they might seem harmless, but they're plotting against your neatly organized documents.
Today you will realize that your co-worker is a celebrity
The ghost of a murderer will visit you today.
You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.
Today, you will discover a new sense of self-awareness that will change your life forever. You will also discover that you are not alone in this universe.
You will have the urge to rearrange your furniture according to the principles of Feng Shui. Don't resist this urge, as it will bring you positive energy and a more harmonious home.
A series of coincidences will lead you to a street corner where a troupe of tap-dancing pigeons awaits your applause.
Today, you will forever change the shape of the gene tree.
You'll find something shiny today, make sure you keep it!
]]>Today you will forget to close your front door on your way out, and you know that you'll have to hide from the police
A spider encounter will remind you of the importance of patience and persistence. Just like a spider carefully crafts its web, you too can craft your own destiny with careful planning and attention to detail.
Today you will accidentally turn your car into a giant pumpkin carriage, complete with horses and footmen.
From timeless classics to clever contemporary quips, your dad joke repertoire will be unmatched. Prepare to be the life of every party and the bane of everyone's humourless friend.
You are owed a pizza. Order it.
You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.
Today you'll accidentally turn into a mermaid every time water touches your skin. Just add water!
Today you will discover a hidden talent for knitting tiny sweaters for garden gnomes.
Your new favourite colour will be bubblegum.
At parties, attendance is optional, life is short
A mysterious messenger will deliver a coded message to you today. Don't try to decipher it; instead, use it as a decorative paperweight and move on with your day.
Today you'll find an eggplant that is so is so expensive.
]]>You will have a strong desire to spend time in the great outdoors today. Make sure to pack a picnic lunch and take in the beauty of the sunshine. Just watch out for bees, they have it in for you today.
It's hard to be humble when you're an Aries.
Ignore unconventional difficulties with Kayaks.
Today you will spend a blissful night doing nothing. You might just wake up with a solar system tattoo.
You have a long road ahead of you. Thankfully, you have some very tiny feet.
The planets are in alignment or something.
Today you will find a lost library book hidden inside a loaf of bread. Return it and savor the literary carbs!
Beware of mischievous garden fairies turning your lawn into a miniature golf course. Grab your putter and play along!
A new career as a DJ may be in the cards for you, but only if you're ready to make the leap.
Take an ionizing shower with a Virgo
You will come across a treacherous traitorous plot to begin world war three
Today you will embrace your inner pirate and talk like a sailor immobilizing everyone with your excruciating dialogue starting with arr and ending with matey Argh, ye scalawag! Ye better watch yer back today or ye might walk the plank amid a whim of steel!
]]>Realise an awesome ability for secretly deciphering foreign languages. Bonjour.
You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.
When you get a spray tan, your soul emerges in goldenrod.
Your day will turn around if you hug a cactus.
Today you will realize how much money you have saved up over the years, and will be able to afford a yacht and a villa in Tahiti if you earn a bit extra
Today you will eat a delicious slice of pie and will start dating a bartender
If you see a black raven, consider it a sign.
An unusual bird will try to make friends with you. Consider letting your guard down, within reason.
While you may feel inclined to chirp like a bird today, it's best to keep this phenomenon confined to your daydreams.
If you drink alcohol today you will hear voices coming from every wall
Beware of rogue pineapples plotting to take over the fruit aisle at your local grocery store.
Your neighbor's cat will teach you a secret cat language.
]]>Prepare to witness a synchronized dance routine performed by a group of synchronized shopping carts at the supermarket.
Your boss will recognize your unique talents today, by giving you a seemingly impossible task. Don't worry, any task can be accomplished through determination and shear will.
Make love with a stiff-necked Libra
Today you will forget something you cannot forget because you forgot to use the words not, don't, forget, couldn't, or never
Today you will discover you have the ability to manipulate reality with swipes of your hand
Today you will accidentally discover an online sketch comedy show that you're obsessed with
Today is the day to start your alien archaeology career dig if you've always wanted to. The conditions are perfect.
Look for your letter in the mirror.
Embrace the peculiar sound of a malfunctioning elevator, as it holds the key to unlocking a new friendship with a quirky inventor who lives on the top floor.
Today is the day to start your alien archaeology career dig if you've always wanted to. The conditions are perfect.
Time to put away your stamp collection. You'll never finish it anyway.
That would be a big plate of…bread.
]]>Today, the Wheel of Sushi turns in your favour. Adventure and delightful gastronomic surprises await you, should you dare to step outside your comfort zone and sample something new.
If you have a problem, ask a toddler. They will have a much simpler and effective solution than you.
Nobody likes a seat hog. Whether it's a train, bus, or airplane, common courtesy dictates that you should occupy only your designated space.
Today you will discover that you've gone an entire day without being penalised for a missed deadline
Avoid any pits or holes that appear today as they will surely be a trap set by an evil wizard seeking to enslave princesses from far away lands.
You'll be visited by a squad of marshmallow soldiers intent on kidnapping your baby. Lt. Colonel Marshmallow needs your help.
You will stumble upon a secret underground society of talking squirrels. They have a lot to say.
People will notice your new haircut.
You will be more likely to become a spaceman than a farmer.
Today you'll find an incredibly lifelike fashion doll inside your washing machine.
Beware of rogue umbrellas conspiring to take over the world.
Your orders will be obeyed by an army of ants
]]>Good vibes only today! You possess the power to radiate positive energy, so use it to brighten someone's day and brighten your own outlook.
You will have an unexpected run-in with a former colleague today. Don't let the nostalgia overtake you; instead, use this opportunity to reconnect and network for future possibilities. You never know where life will take you.
Let your friend borrow your towel, it'll dry them up emotionally.
The traffic lights will turn green just for you.
If you're unemployed, today is a good day to start planning your own space colony.
Today you will accidentally turn your cat into a dragon, and chaos will ensue
Beware! rogue cantaloupes plotting evil schemes.
If someone mentions the word 'warranty' today, run. Run fast and don't look back. This is an omen of imminent danger.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's when you know you've been reading too much astrological forecasts.
A rainbow will follow you everywhere you go today, spreading joy and glitter.
You will discover new meanings in old sayings like "it's raining cats and dogs out there". Hopefully, it's just raining cats and not dogs.
Today you will forget to close your front door on your way out, and you know that you'll have to hide from the police
]]>Today you'll start suffering from violent gutter rages.
A new adventure awaits you, but first, you must answer the call of nature.
Today you will be a coward for a few moments
Your reflection in the mirror will reveal more than just your physical appearance. Prepare to be overcome with emotions and contemplate your deepest truths.
Today you will exercise your newfound powers to summon a glitter tornado
Your Toyotomi will turn into a robo-car, demanding you take him on a road trip. Embrace the robot adventure.
It's hard to be humble when you're an Aries.
Today you will get super bad fuel economy. The lesson is there all along.
Today you will find you can breathe underwater. Don't try this at home.
Topple a domino today
Your star sign is known for being sensible and responsible. Make sure to put aside some time for wild adventures and ridiculous risks!
You will have a fleeting desire to move to a castle and live like royalty, preferably in the countryside.
]]>Today you will find 210 euros on the sidewalk and will ask cleaning lady if she wants it. She'll say no, but you'll keep it anyway
You will find a romantic partner at the bottom of a well.
Today you will be told that one of your ancestors is a Roman emperor
You have a unique talent! Use it to win the goldfish lottery.
Find a fairy altar and allow nature spirits to influence your decisions
You will be very popular today. Everyone will want to be your friend.
An alignment of the stars indicates a strong desire to connect with your inner child by diving into a pit of mud puddles like when you were younger, with no concern for your clothes.
Don't underestimate the power of tattoo removal today.
Today you will learn how to cook and will have homemade meals every day
Today you'll discover an amazingly amnesiac mouse living in your attic.
While running on the treadmill, you will suddenly fly into your ceiling.
Your favourite pair or socks will start rapping about your wardrobe.
]]>Try to eat a breakfast made entirely of candy today.
You will find a four-leaf clover today, but don't rely on luck anymore. Your life is about to get ridiculously fortunate, and it's time to lean into that hard work and perseverance.
A rare astronomical event will take place tonight, visible only from your backyard. Set up a telescope and prepare for a cosmic spectacle that will leave you in awe.
Hug a yellow Labrador
Experience saltspray with toppled dominos
You dream about having a bowl cut and being a powerful wizard.
You will finally learn the truth about chicken nuggets.
The first snow of the year is coming early this year. Make sure you're ready!
You will feel an unusual desire to organize your sock drawer today. Not just straightening it out, but implementing a wholly new organizational system, possibly categorized by color, thickness, or a made-up category like " Levels of Awesome."
You will receive some incredible news today. Just make sure you don't drop your phone while you're reading it.
You will stumble upon a hilarious meme that will make your day. You will desperately want to share it with your friends but decide to exercise self-restraint, keeping it to yourself as a cherished secret. Don't be afraid to indulge in harmless humor, though.
During the night you will hear voices and will wonder if they're coming from the walls
]]>You will find a long-lost family member today. Maybe it will be your cousin, Bob.
From utilizing influencer promo codes to leveraging loyalty programs, your strategic shopping and returns will inspire envy and awe.
You will have a dream tonight that reveals the secret to eternal life. Upon waking, you will forget the secret, but the knowledge will linger in your subconscious, influencing your actions in subtle ways.
Today you will be given instruction manual to R2D2
A sudden gust of wind will scatter all your sticky notes around the room. It'll be surprisingly inspiring.
The moon will ask you to be its partner.
It's important to love yourself. So if you want to go to the gym, go. Or get a burger. It's your choice!
Check those tags for proper cleaning instructions, some items can go weeks without a wash!
A group of regulators are going to come after you with a highly specialized scalpel, because they think you're dreaming too loud.
The stars predict that you will have an unexpected epiphany while doing mundane chores. Keep that sparkle in your eyes alive!
Your weekend's worth of planning has worked out, and you're going to have a great weekend! ...Just as soon as you've gotten over this weekend.
You will wake up feeling #blessed, but it won't last long.
]]>You will have a surprisingly insightful conversation with a piece of furniture today.
Your refrigerator will develop the ability to spontaneously generate ice cream.
You will accidentally unlock a portal to a magical realm inside your pantry. Watch out for flying spaghetti monsters.
You can't resist clicking on Clickbait.
Today you will miss your bus and will wonder how you ended up here
Don't stand under that apple tree!
You will discover a hidden talent for predicting the weather by listening to the songs of birds. Become the avian meteorologist!
Today you will receive a phone call from a telemarketer who turns out to be your long-lost twin.
A border collie will rescue at least four civilians from a flood by building a dam of consciousness
You will be visited by a ghost.
If you are feeling queasy, try drinking a glass of ginger beer.
Start communicating exclusively through interpretative dance; your true feelings can only be expressed through graceful moves.
]]>You will have a dream about having breakfast with Nigella Lawson. She will make corned beef hash, which will be disgusting and you will wake up feeling unsatisfied. Take this as a sign to incorporate more fibre into your diet.
All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them.
There is something you need to let go of. The thing you need to let go of is your attachment to this prediction.
You will win the lottery.
Embrace the joy of finding a hidden stash of bubble wrap that brings instant stress relief and oddly satisfying popping sounds.
The stars predict that you will have an unexpected epiphany while doing mundane chores. Keep that sparkle in your eyes alive!
Today you will wake up to discover that all your floors are melting. Wear shoes.
Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning.
Don't be surprised if your usual takeaway order is delivered by a group of friendly bikers enjoying a scenic drive.
Your trousers will all perish in a surprise wildfire
Today you will be a coward for a few moments
The meaning of life is:
]]>How many stars do you see in the sky? Theres only one way to find out.
If you can read this, you are too close to the television.
You will be visited by the ghosts of breakfast past, present and future today. They will either be friendly or just vengeful depending on if you have finished your breakfast.
Today you will realize the label shaped' doesn't exist, and that you've been mislabeling ovals as oblongs for all your adult life
A random stranger will smile at you today. Don't be alarmed; they are not trying to conspire against you. In fact, they might just be thinking about how delicious your aura is.
Today is not a good day to fight a bear. Avoid any sudden increases in heartbeat, as this might trigger a bear attack. Some breathing exercises will soothe your nerves and avoid an unwanted bear encounter.
There is no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're a mouse.
You will find a love letter in a book.
Your hairdryer will gain the ability to blow bubbles instead of hot air.
You will pick up a penny and reflect on how far you've come.
Today, you will be filled with an overwhelming desire to roller skate. If you heed this calling, do not do so in high-heels. Rollerskating is done in rollerskates.
Never tell a Gemini how much you hate them. They can read the wrinkles in your forehead like Braille.
]]>There is a journey to be taken, and you are the only one who can take it. Ask yourself, "Do I want to?"
All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them.
It's hard to find balance in life. That's why it's important to have an onion nearby.
If you don't like a book, just remember, you don't have to finish it.
You will meet an attractive stranger today. Unfortunately they will turn out to be a vampire and you will have to avoid them at all costs to escape with your life. Good luck!
You will meet a nice bisexual
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your freshly baked cookies. Guard them with all your might!
Go over a cliff with an Pisces
Visit a fortune teller
You will have a dream about cows tonight and it will change your life.
You can never please everyone, unless you're a melon, in which case you can please everyone by just being yourself.
You will fall in love at first sight with a pizza today.
]]>Stop getting your messages from a Ouija board. It's not safe.
You'll stumble upon an underground club devoted to knitting sweaters for cats.
The chances of rain today are directly proportional to the amount of work you've put off.
You will finally find the hole you've been looking for. Congratulations! Now what are you going to do with it?
Today you will be surprised to see a wild platypus
Try out astral projection: Enter a deep state of relaxation to project your consciousness into other dimensions.
Your lucky number is 46.46, but unfortunately you'll never be able to successfully wager it in any sort of gambling endeavor.
Attend a quinceañera with the ultimate chianti burger
Today you will be well acquainted with the subject of bugs
You will see a UFO.
If you mimic a galloping horse in your sleep, you will have big dreams.
You'll discover you've been accidentally borrowing the souls of your worst enemies, but it's okay because they're the worst.
]]>Your horoscope today is interconnected with that of your lesser-known neighbor; you'll experience both joy and misery together.
You will have a dream about performing a choreographed dance number, but when you try to replicate it in real life, it will turn into a viral meme. Consider this a warning to perhaps avoid dancing in public.
Today you will be followed by a trail of glitter everywhere you go.
Today you will accidentally turn your cat into a dragon, and chaos will ensue
Today you will accidentally pin down the secret of perpetual motion
The morning will start off routine, but things will quickly heat up when you accidentally drop your breakfast burrito in your shoe. Improvements to the footwear-food protection industry are urgently needed.
Today you will pick up that antique metal detector you've had your eye on and start your hunt for historical treasure.
You will win the lottery today. Well, technically it isn't the lottery, because you've never bought a ticket. But hey, optimism!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But if you can't find the lemons, just drink the apple juice. It's good too.
Your toaster is officially a masterpiece. It's probably a Leo.
You will stumble upon a hilarious meme that will make your day. You will desperately want to share it with your friends but decide to exercise self-restraint, keeping it to yourself as a cherished secret. Don't be afraid to indulge in harmless humor, though.
It’s not just a phase.
]]>Let your friend borrow your towel, it'll dry them up emotionally.
Don't be alarmed when your sofa cushions start attacking you.
You will have a great time today as long as you don't check the time.
Bend a circle with an air hostess
The office funny man is just jealous of your new shirt. Wear it with pride.
You will receive a surprise delivery of 100 rubber ducks.
Your Toyotomi will turn into a robo-car, demanding you take him on a road trip. Embrace the robot adventure.
Today, you discover a hidden gift for creating unbelievable artwork.
Your lucky colour is brown, which radiates warmth and energy. Wear this colour to amplify your innate power and attract good fortune.
Today, you'll stumble upon a forgotten childhood toy that brings back waves of nostalgia and a sudden urge to build pillow forts.
You can save a life today, if you choose to.
Be prepared for an unexpected encounter with a celebrity doppelganger. Take a selfie for proof!
]]>A strike will disrupt your plans to meet your mother for brunch - enjoy your Turkish eggs in peace anyway.
Time to update your 'list of things to do before you die' list: "wear sunscreen", "don't eat spicy foods", "drink milk", and "have a list of things to do before you die."
Today you will try using your hands like feet when you walk
Today you will realize why people always laugh at your definition of "boring"
Today you will happen upon an unworldly metal tree.
Shake hands with the Lord of England
Visit a fortune teller
All your food will today start to taste like chocolate
No matter how busy you get, you will make time to water your plants and nurture your loved ones.
A mug will unexpectedly explode today, shedding ceramic shrapnel everywhere. Fortunately, the mess will be easy to clean thanks to your exemplary hygiene.
A chance encounter with a celebrity will lead to a misunderstanding that will require an awkward explanation to avoid any repercussions.
You may find yourself attracted to statues today. Do your best to resist this attraction. It is not appropriate to make out with a statue, regardless of how much it looks like Ryan Gosling.
]]>Burn calories with firewise advice from a British earl
Your television will start broadcasting messages from an alien civilization.
You'll be asked to bring a salad to a party, so you will make a potato salad.
A wild ferret will disrupt a meeting you are attending today. Hopefully it's a cute ferret.
An unusual cosmic energy will cause an abundance of cacti to appear in your life, which you will need to learn to live with and appreciate, despite the spines and general dryness.
An unexpected promotion at work will lead to a sudden influx of cash and an obsession with unusual hobbies like ping pong or curling.
Prepare for a strange coincidence as you accidentally match your neighbor's outfit, prompting an awkward but amusing encounter.
Today you will be visited by a famous archaeologist – but she has terrible ideas about fancy dress. Lose the mustache.
Your mailbox will become a portal to a parallel dimension where mail is delivered by unicorns.
You will find a lost library card and will use it to borrow a stack of stolen books to read on your vacation
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes plotting to steal your shoes.
Believe it or not, a marmoset will be behind the wheel if you take the train today.
]]>You can't resist clicking on Clickbait.
Today you'll find yourself baking an epic pie, but will be frustrated by how difficult it is to cut it into slices.
You've been feeling a bit run down lately. Today would be a great day to relax. Put your feet up and have a drink. You've earned it.
Do not fear the reaper, but do fear your printer when it runs out of ink.
For the first time in history, an ant will win a Nobel Prize. Unfortunately, no one will know, because you're the only one who can understand their speech.
You will discover a secret superpower. Learn to levitate!
Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a hot tub time machine.
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized dolphins performing a water ballet in the ocean.
You will be serenaded by a choir of opera-singing parrots during your morning commute. Enjoy the musical interlude!
Your alarm clock will transform into a magical talking owl. Prepare to solve mysteries.
You will dream about a deceased relative.
If you get your ear pierced today, you will find true love as a result.
]]>Today you will have a brief hallucination that you are talking to a dog
Your favourite mug will gain the ability to predict the future through the patterns in your coffee. It's time for some divination!
Today you will accidentally provoke a dog and a mailman into dancing with each other while you hide indoors
A bubble will appear on your ceiling today.
Today you will discover you have a hidden talent for hypnotism. Prepare to mesmerize your whole neighborhood!
You will be asked to judge a beauty contest for vegetables. Do so impartially, but use your discretionary powers to reward the most ambitious entrants.
Don't buy any houses today. If you do, they'll be haunted.
If you feel the need to express yourself through dancing today, do everyone a favour and skip the dance floor. Your dance moves are more rhythmic than a dying cat falling down a flight of stairs.
You have a secret admirer. Try to determine their identity by examining your burritos.
You will finally finish that project you've been putting off for so long.
Beware of mischievous fairies rearranging your furniture while you sleep.
Time to restock the birthdays.
]]>Today you will wonder why there are so many scrap papers interspersed amongst your things
This is your invitation to the party. Today, any and all your pathetic excuses for why you haven't followed your dreams can finally be laid to rest.
You will uncharacteristically lose a fierce debate, despite having the most logical argument.
You have always wanted to write a letter to your future self. Today is the day to do it.
Today you will discover that you can't eat avocado anymore
Your problems are now shrinking! It might be because you are becoming more calm, or it might be because you are actually shrinking. I'm not really sure which one it is.
Be weary of all old people on the beach today, especially those offering to help you bury your new pet.
You have always wanted to try paragliding. Today is the day.
You never finished your thesis.
Experiment with automatic writing: Allow your subconscious to take control of your pen and see what messages flow onto the page.
You have a unique talent! Use it to win the goldfish lottery.
Your hairbrush will transform into a magical wand, granting you the power to create fabulous hairstyles with a flick.
]]>You will be able to hear what your pets are saying today. It will drive you crazy.
For the foreseeable future, all your conversations will be via email.
You will meet a stranger who will change your life.
A bird will fall out of the sky and onto your head. It will be strangely satisfying.
Today you'll be unexpectedly decorated with pointy ears, allowing you to attend Rave Chic parties without fear of bloodshed
Today you will have the strength of a thousand elephants, harness this power to accomplish everything you set out to do.
Today you will develop a sudden affinity for wearing mismatched socks.
Today you will receive a divorce summons from a lawyer you now find extremely attractive, but you're not married.
You are INFJ.
You've been feeling a bit run down lately. Today would be a great day to relax. Put your feet up and have a drink. You've earned it.
The meaning of life is:
You are a very special person, and you should know that. But not in a way that's creepy.
]]>Today you will realize the label shaped' doesn't exist, and that you've been mislabeling ovals as oblongs for all your adult life
You will receive a surprise delivery of 100 rubber ducks.
Follow that cute dog and angry seagull. You never know where they might lead you and you could use the adventure. Just watch out for pigeon droppings. And dog slobber.
If someone mentions the word 'warranty' today, run. Run fast and don't look back. This is an omen of imminent danger.
You will adopt an unusual new pet, like a stick insect or a tarantula. They will befriend your cat.
A day of alignment: your chakras, your intentions, and your ability to resist impulse purchases will converge to beneficial effect. You will find yourself in just the right place at just the right time to resist a temptation...
Today you will realize to your horror that you're under the influence of a psychotic kitchen utensil
A new sound will become popular and you will want to listen to it.
You're going to be awesome today. Unless you're not. But even if you're not, you're still going to be pretty great.
Today you'll discover that you can breathe underwater. Your next dive will be epic.
The letters of the alphabet will spontaneously begin to rearrange themselves today, causing words to lose their meaning and for spoken language to take on an enchanting new melody.
You will encounter a group of dancing penguins who insist on teaching you their moves.
]]>A bird will fly into your house today. It will have a message for you.
Wake up, and enjoy your new daydream
You will experience deja vu today. But it's not just any deja vu, it's recursive deja vu, where you keep experiencing the deja vu over and over again, ad infinitum. Navigate this strange situation carefully.
It's important to love yourself. So if you want to go to the gym, go. Or get a burger. It's your choice!
A box of rat poison is actually a box of chocolates. Be careful when you open it.
An Aquarius in Canada will save your life today.
Don't bother taking an umbrella with you today. It's going to be a bright and sunny day. Unless it isn't.
Play make-believe in a library with a Virgo
Nobody likes a seat hog. Whether it's a train, bus, or airplane, common courtesy dictates that you should occupy only your designated space.
Your mailbox will become a portal to a parallel dimension where mail is delivered by unicorns.
Beware Party goats plotting to take over the state capitol
Go over a cliff with an Pisces
]]>You should always talk to your plants.
At 7pm GMT you will be stuck in traffic due to a moose on the road
An Aquarius in Canada will save your life today.
Today is a good day to try a new hobby, especially one that involves an outlet for your creativity. Avoid hunting, puppet-making, and marmoset wrestling unless you have prior experience.
Today you will learn how to play the bagpipes.
Before fixing anything in the house, make sure everyone knows it is broken.
Today you will suddenly find yourself transported into a strange alternate universe full of magic and wonders, but without any of the usual nonsense of everyday life
Watch a fire with a smooth Gemini.
Today you will realize you don't need to charge your phone anymore.
Beware of mischievous garden fairies rearranging your flower beds into intricate crop circles.
Today you will suddenly feel a desire to clean up your garden and will start digging a hole
Your pet goldfish will reveal its true identity as a reincarnated pirate seeking buried treasure.
]]>You can never have too many pink fluffy sweaters. Consider buying some more today.
You will wake up feeling a bit under the weather today. Fortunately you will receive an abundance of get well soon cards from strangers. Somehow this will not make you feel better, but at least you will know that people out there are thinking of you.
There is no such thing as a spoon.
A leprechaun will bring you luck today. Hopefully this luck isn't just a four-leaf clover hidden under a rock.
Make sure you take the scenic route today, the earth needs more beauty in it.
Realise an awesome ability for secretly deciphering foreign languages. Bonjour.
If someone suggests today that you listen to Kundalini rising chant music, do it.
You will receive a mysterious package containing a talking cactus.
Expect some confusion today. You will find yourself with extra potatoes but will have no idea where they came from or how to dispose of them.
You will have a dream about performing surgery on an orange. When you wake up, you'll wonder if it was a dream about rebirth or just citrus agriculture. You'll probably never know the truth, so just enjoy the orange juice tomorrow morning.
Your partner is the one who will put the salad on the table in front of you today. Do not worry, they will make it a lovely one.
You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.
]]>You will find a lost library book that is overdue by 10 years.
The best thing about Switzerland is I don't have to choose either Alps or Beach.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it. Unless you're a seer, in which case it's better to just go to the crystal ball store.
A random street sign will give you profound philosophical insights today.
Learn horsemanship skills to impress a Taurus rider lol
There will be no chocolate in your advent calendar for the rest of the year. Sorry.
You'll stumble upon an underground club devoted to knitting sweaters for cats.
If you're feeling restless today, consider taking up a new hobby. Archery is a great hobby for releasing stress (literally).
It might rain chocolate today.
Today, you'll uncover a forgotten box of childhood keepsakes, filled with trinkets that hold sentimental value and bring a warm smile to your face.
You will find a four-leaf clover today. Don't eat it, it looks disgusting and is probably poisonous.
A new career as a DJ may be in the cards for you, but only if you're ready to make the leap.
]]>Don't go to work! There's a small chance of an alien invasion, and you don't want to be anywhere near the office in the event of an alien takeover.
This year, you will embark on a journey to discover the ultimate hobby. Your quest to find the perfect activity that sparks joy, stimulates your mind, and provides a sense of fulfillment will be a voyage of self-discovery.
If you're feeling overwhelmed this week, just remember: the universe is vast and incomprehensible. That should make you feel better.
Find a fairy altar and allow nature spirits to influence your decisions
Do not fear change, be the change you want to see in the world. Unless it's your money, then you better keep an eye on it.
Your toaster will start producing perfectly toasted images of famous paintings.
Your enemies are planning an intervention. Celebrate tonight with an extravagant gesture, but don't tell them about it.
Your friends will insist on paying for your meals today as a show of their appreciation for your friendship. Don't insist on paying; instead, order the most extravagant thing on the menu.
Today you'll suddenly feel like taking a break from the fast-paced modern world. Remember to embrace the moment.
Recreate a freemason ritual in your spare bedroom
Jump out of a moving train with a Libra
Today you will embrace your inner pirate and talk like a sailor immobilizing everyone with your excruciating dialogue starting with arr and ending with matey Argh, ye scalawag! Ye better watch yer back today or ye might walk the plank amid a whim of steel!
]]>If you can, take a sick day from work. Your boss won't even notice you're gone.
There are multiple spiders living in your hair.
A rogue asteroid will hit Earth today. Thankfully, it will only destroy a small desert in Belarus. Feel free to send it your condolences.
You will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a jar of Nutella. Embark on a sweet adventure!
When you meet a new person, you have to make weird noises at them.
If you're feeling crabby, eat a crab.
You are teleported into a parallel universe where every conversation ends with a question mark?
The weather will be beautiful in your neck of the woods today.
Like a twinkling star, you shall guide others through the darkness. Your presence and radiance will have a lasting impact on those around you.
This year, you will find your soul's purpose in the pursuit of the perfectly wrinkled shirt. Your obsession with the art of nonchalant elegance will be revered by those in the know.
You will dream about a sheep tonight.
Your favourite pair of sunglasses will mysteriously turn into x-ray glasses, allowing you to see through walls.
]]>There are multiple spiders living in your hair.
Your mother will suddenly appear and demand you submit your tax returns. Do it now!
Today you will be surprised to see a wild platypus
Your favourite pair of socks will mysteriously start playing your favourite song whenever you put them on.
You will experience an odd gust of wind from an unexpected direction today, wait for it and be prepared.
All your abandoned pasta and rice will finally have a chance to shine in an original dish you create today!
To all those Leo's born between August 10th and August 12th: Don't worry, your powers of charm are still intact.
Today you will exercise your newfound powers to summon a glitter tornado
For the foreseeable future, all your conversations will be via email.
At a restaurant, you can only order things that have your initials.
You'll find something shiny today, make sure you keep it!
You will discover new meanings in old sayings like "it's raining cats and dogs out there". Hopefully, it's just raining cats and not dogs.
]]>Set up some Swedes with your work colleagues.
Today is a good day to break out of your routine and try a new hairstyle. Shoulder-length mushroom cuts are always in style.
Today you will be given instruction manual to R2D2
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a portal to a tropical island. Enjoy the impromptu vacation!
Today you will be serenaded by a chorus of singing frogs during a moonlit stroll in the park.
You will receive a letter that you have been waiting for. It will be written in a language you can't understand.
Don't clean your room today, the mess will be beneficial for you in the future.
You've accidentally-on-purpose broken a traffic light.
A chance encounter with a charismatic and eccentric artist will lead to an invitation to join them in an epic quest to discover the meaning of life through interpretive dance.
You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.
Today you will watch the sun rise, and will somehow realize that you don't want it ever to set again
Today you'll find an eggplant that is so is so expensive.
]]>You will have an unexpected encounter with a squirrel today. Be prepared for a sudden diversion in your plans.
A spider encounter will remind you of the importance of patience and persistence. Just like a spider carefully crafts its web, you too can craft your own destiny with careful planning and attention to detail.
Wrestle with a ninja Aquarius
You are more likely to get a hug today than a cup of coffee.
You'll receive a proposal today. It will be written in fortune cookie form.
Your partner is the one who will put the salad on the table in front of you today. Do not worry, they will make it a lovely one.
Ride a buffalo with a tall Gemini
The best things in life are free. Especially if you stole them.
Today you will suddenly become convinced you want to get married and have children, and will start trying to design your wedding dress
A penny picked up today will bring you luck and prosperity. Remember to appreciate the small moments and the little things in life that can bring joy and richness.
Today you'll start suffering from violent gutter rages.
You'll be invited to a really cool party, but it'll be in your honour so you'll have to go.
]]>Today you will have to fill 2 minutes with continuous laughter. Expect to fail
Nope nope nope.
You have a long road ahead of you. Thankfully, you have some very tiny feet.
A sunny day will turn into a stormy one as you suddenly develop the ability to control the weather with your mind. You will use this power for evil and cause a minor thunderstorm to ruin someone's outdoor picnic.
A dog in Canada will steal your seat on the bus.
If you play a brass instrument, now is the time to dust it off.
Ach, vitamins—you'll accidentally unwittingly run out of them
You're a collector of rare salts.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your shampoo with toothpaste. Your hair may get minty fresh!
Beware of mischievous fairies stealing your left socks and replacing them with right ones.
Take a breath with a Chilean Warrior
It is written in the stars that you will live until you are 92 years old.
]]>A stray cat will adopt you as its personal masseuse. Expect purrfection.
You'll think you've found the perfect insult for someone until you realize it's directed at yourself.
Did you know your great grandfather invented beards? He did, and for that we are all grateful.
Today you will forget something you cannot forget because you forgot to use the words not, don't, forget, couldn't, or never
Your hands possess the ability to instantly thaw frozen food, and you will use this power to revolutionize the way we consume ice cream, finally putting an end to the misery of waiting minutes for a treat to soften.
Today you will be followed by a trail of glitter everywhere you go.
You will have a series of minor difficulties today, but everything will be easily overcome by simply taking your shoes off.
Learn horsemanship skills to impress a Taurus rider lol
Time to restock the birthdays.
The longer you stare at a blank wall, the more likely it is to have something written on it.
You will encounter a group of dancing penguins who insist on teaching you their moves.
If you ever wanted to buy a boat, now is the perfect time.
]]>An unusual dream will leave you questioning your reality. Analyze your subconscious thoughts and decipher the hidden messages to gain profound insights.
You'll be swept away by a mysterious tide of human emotion and will fall into a trance.
You will find a four-leaf clover today. Keep it safely amongst your lint and loose change.
Wear blue if you want to remain invisible.
You have spinach in your teeth.
Today you will lose your train ticket
You've lost a sock in the dryer. Unfortunately, it will not be found tonight.
You will have the power to hear what dogs are thinking today. You will discover that they are plotting to take over the world and you alone will know this.
The traffic lights will turn green just for you.
Today you will discover that you haven't aged a single day in the passed year
There are ghosts in your bedroom.
Your ability to handle calamity and distress will be tested this week. Hopefully, it's not a test where someone's life depends on it.
]]>The chances of rain today are directly proportional to the amount of work you've put off.
Should you find yourself in a sticky situation today, a group of friendly squirrels will come to your rescue.
How many stars do you see in the sky? Theres only one way to find out.
Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a jar of pickles. Embark on a briny adventure!
Beware of mischievous socks that have learned to walk on their own. They may try to escape your drawer.
If you're feeling anxious today, go on a quest to find all the lilac-coloured objects you can. The universe is reminding you of the calming properties of this colour.
If you are feeling queasy, try drinking a glass of ginger beer.
All your food will today start to taste like chocolate
Have you ever wanted to go on a boat ride? There are a lot of boats near your city that will take you on a great boat ride!
You'll accidentally turn into a cat, and realize you don't know where you've been all day.
Prepare for a strange coincidence as you accidentally match your neighbor's outfit, prompting an awkward but amusing encounter.
Learn horsemanship skills to impress a Taurus rider lol
]]>You will encounter a pushy person today. This could be in a traffic situation or perhaps in a social setting. It's okay to stand up for yourself and set boundaries.
Today you will be visited by a talking teapot who will offer you words of wisdom over a cup of tea.
Meet your four-year-old self today
You are an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, inside a mystery. Unravel yourself and see what's inside!
You will be visited by a ghost.
Today you will realize you have been walking around all day with your fly down. Reward yourself with a donut for being you.
Your inner architect will be sparked by a night of wedging yourself into various shaped furniture.
Always remember to drink your ovaltine.
Maybe water your plants, or don't, who cares?
Your pet rock is looking especially cool today. I'm sure it would love for you to take it to a petting zoo.
A normally mild-mannered person will erupt in a fit of rage over an insignificant matter. Stay out of their way.
If you have errands to run today, consider swimming there instead of walking or driving.
]]>Today, you will transform your hand into a genie lamp, granting you wishes with pure awesome power. Check if you can reverse its effects.
While you may feel inclined to chirp like a bird today, it's best to keep this phenomenon confined to your daydreams.
You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.
You will dream of falling tonight but right before you hit the ground you will wake up. Unfortunately, that waking up part is just a dream and you will hit the ground hard. Hopefully you slept through that part and woke up safely in your bed.
Your problems are now shrinking! It might be because you are becoming more calm, or it might be because you are actually shrinking. I'm not really sure which one it is.
Today you will be visited by a famous archaeologist – but she has terrible ideas about fancy dress. Lose the mustache.
If you feel compelled to start a new hobby this week, maybe choose one that doesn't involve balancing spinning plates on your head. Unless you're very good at that.
You are what you eat and you have eaten only hot food, so you are hot.
A bird will fall out of the sky and onto your head. It will be strangely satisfying.
You might feel the urge to crawl into a shell like a turtle today. If you do, make sure it's not a literal shell, and maybe choose a comfortable one.
Your car will transform into a talking unicorn and demand to be fed glitter
Wait for boiled tea with an elephant
]]>You will experience an intense craving for marshmallows today. But rather than just eating them plain, you will feel compelled to experiment and create a sophisticated marshmallow-based dish, perhaps a marshmallow-stuffed casserole or a fluffy marshmallow cake.
Move the matchstick close to your goats
A chance meeting with a renowned chef will lead to a unforgettable culinary adventure culminating in a mouth-watering meal of honey-roasted ice cream.
If you feel the need to make a wager, make sure it's not with your soul. And definitely don't wager with a mythical creature's soul. That's just rude.
Believe in fate: Trust that everything happens for a reason and embrace the opportunities that come your way.
You will have a great idea today.
Be prepared for an unexpected reunion with a long-lost childhood imaginary friend who has unfortunately become an expert in cryptocurrency.
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized dolphins performing a water ballet in the ocean.
If you're feeling nervous, just remember: fake it 'till you make it. Unless you're an Aries, in which case, just be yourself.
You'll get an urge to join the army. Sadly, you'll be rejected for being too nice.
If you are in a meeting and can't understand what everyone is talking about, it's probably because they are all speaking a made-up language invented solely for the purpose of mocking you. Shake your head in disapproval, but secretly be flattered.
Today you'll stumble throughout an abandoned house, but will find absolutely nothing.
]]>You will discover a hidden compartment in your home filled with unexpected treasures: forgotten gifts, spare change, and even a mischievous elf. Happy hunting!
If you go to sleep tonight, you'll have the best dreams of your life.
You will dream about a deceased relative.
Take an ionizing shower with a Virgo
Today you will realize you've never thought about this before
You will discover a hidden talent for playing the harmonica with your nose.
You will receive a mysterious package in the mail, containing a single ping pong ball with a note that reads, "Don't bounce it."
Recreate a freemason ritual in your spare bedroom
Don't try to be a hero and eat the last slice of cake. We all know it's tilted toward that one person, and they definitely don't need the calories. Save your sweet-toothed exploits for another day.
Today you will accidentally turn your car into a giant pumpkin carriage, complete with horses and footmen.
A twist of fate will ensure that you cross paths with a marmoset today. Let this encounter be a reminder to embrace the unpredictability of life and to approach each day with an open mind and a sense of adventure.
It will rain mud today.
]]>There is a chance you will save a choking baby today.
Ride a buffalo with a tall Gemini
Today you will suddenly realize you can't eat sugar anymore
A mysterious object will unlock your true powers; maybe it's that rock in your garden or the sock under your bed. Who knows?
Tomorrow morning you will find yourself unexpectedly in a spaceship
You are at least 93% water.
Those weren't lenses you put in this morning!
If you are feeling queasy, try drinking a glass of ginger beer.
Today you will find a secret underground society of synchronized sneezers. Join in their harmonious symphony.
You will receive a surprise visit from the Tooth Fairy, who will ask for a loan
Find out how quickly you can run up a flight of stairs without stopping.
Avoid adopting any more houseplants; your current ones are plotting a rebellion against your neglect.
]]>You'll suddenly realize you hate all the things you've been using to cut your hair.
If you feel a sudden urge to join a pyramid scheme, maybe lay off on sharing it with your closest friends just yet.
Today you will win the lottery at least twice
You will embrace the wisdom and company of friends both young and old.
Today you will notice a divine symmetry in nature, and will have a great revelation
If you feel compelled to start a new hobby this week, maybe choose one that doesn't involve balancing spinning plates on your head. Unless you're very good at that.
You are more likely to get a hug today than a cup of coffee.
Maybe it's because you left your pet chipmunk in the clothes dryer last week, but you've been feeling even more itchy than usual. A pack of gerbils may be the answer to your scratching ways.
You will find yourself transported to a parallel universe where everyone wears tuxedos
You'll stumble upon a perfectly ripe avocado that mysteriously glows in the dark.
Beware of rogue tomatoes conspiring to create a salsa revolution in your kitchen.
You will discover that the trees outside your home have started to communicate in a secret language. Try to decipher what they're saying, but respect their privacy.
]]>The position of the moon in the cosmos dictates your fate, so proceed with caution.
Beware of mischievous garden flamingos stealing your socks and leaving behind sandals made of licorice.
Today you will be bored ever since you became a grownup.
Today you will stare vehemently at an animal skull, discovering you have a hidden talent of identifying graffiti artists just by looking at their art
No online shoe purchases today, your feet will thank you
Today you will give your cousin a hug, and he'll gently try to push you away
Laugh tours with a jewellery store ring master
Today you will be asked to explain your sexual orientation, even though you are clearly too chaotic
Beware of mischievous garden fairies turning your lawn into a miniature golf course. Grab your putter and play along!
Today will be a good day to try a new recipe. Consider making something you've never heard of before, like syllabub or fish molee. You might just discover a new favorite.
Today, your inner child demands to watch cartoons; succumb to the nostalgia and let your inner characters shine.
Keep trans people in mind, they're hot
]]>You can't possibly choose between stroganoff + gingerbread cake.
Your usual mode of transportation will be substituted with a thrilling rollercoaster ride today. Hold on tight and enjoy the ups and downs of life.
You will catch your reflection in a shop window and see that you have a spinach leaf stuck in your front tooth. Try to be more mindful of your eating habits.
That potato salad is the best thing you've ever eaten, no questions asked.
There is no point in trying to keep up with the Jones's, they are so far ahead of you and are cheating.
Today you will yassify the building complex central generator by accident.
Topple a domino today
If you mimic a galloping horse in your sleep, you will have big dreams.
It's hard to find balance in life. That's why it's important to have an onion nearby.
Today is a good day for public transportation, especially for people wearing period costumes.
When your alarm wakes you up way too early, your crooner K-pop alarm whistle will play to comfort you
Don't stand under that apple tree!
]]>All cats are grey.
If you're feeling nervous, just remember: fake it 'till you make it. Unless you're an Aries, in which case, just be yourself.
Your radiators need some love too, spend some time with them today.
Your week will involve a formidable struggle between a desire for freedom and the desire to not pay an overdraft fee. Choose wisely.
Today is your lucky day. Unfortunately, it only comes around every 3 years.
You will be able to hear what animals think today. You will discover that they are just as confused about life as humans are. This will lead to a greater appreciation of the world around you and the shared experience of being alive.
You will receive a call from a number you don't recognise.
If you value your kidneys do not make any plans to go to concerts today.
Your toaster will develop a mind of its own and insist on making only smiley face toast for the entire day.
Don't trust the sparkling water, it's a trick
A pipe will burst in your home and you will be covered in icy slush.
Hear the water whispering beneath the seafloor
]]>There is no way to fit that square peg into that round hole.
Today, you will stumble upon a forgotten journal from your childhood, filled with strangely accurate predictions about your current Netflix binge-watching choices.
A chance encounter with a mysterious stranger will leave you pondering the meaning of life.
If you feel inclined, try to communicate with aliens today. Stay vigilant for any sightings.
A bat will fly into your home through the window today.
An invisible halo of misfortune will surround you today, causing minor setbacks and inconveniences to occur around you at random. Wherever you go and whatever you do, a mysterious force will ensure that everything takes ten percent longer than it should.
Today is a good day to try a new hobby, especially one that involves an outlet for your creativity. Avoid hunting, puppet-making, and marmoset wrestling unless you have prior experience.
Today you will experience an intense psychic surge
Have you ever wanted to be a cat? Now's your chance!
Today you will be told that one of your ancestors is a Roman emperor
Today, a part of you will feel the need to take a nap, but you will resist.
Your future will be bright as you will win the lottery next week. However, you will spend it all on an automated asteroid Killer Space Laser.
]]>Today is a good day for public transportation, especially for people wearing period costumes.
Your love life will take an unexpected turn today. Rather than flirting with potential partners, you will find yourself gravitating towards cuddly animals, like puppies and kittens. Don't dismiss these feelings - there's beauty in platonic love too.
Beware of a sudden craving for pickles and chocolate pudding—it's a culinary adventure you won't forget.
Today you'll discover that you can breathe underwater. Your next dive will be epic.
If you find yourself in a Lush store this week, resist the urge to buy a bath bomb shaped like a planet. It may look pretty, but it's not worth the mess.
You are a fruit known for it's mild sweet flavour, with a pungent odour comparable to that of Limburger cheese.
Today you will wake up to discover that all your floors are melting. Wear shoes.
An omen is coming your way, but don't worry, it only happens once every thousand years.
When you get your fortune told at the bottom of a paper bag, you get a different message.
A leprechaun will bring you luck today. Hopefully this luck isn't just a four-leaf clover hidden under a rock.
A group of small birds will gather outside your window today, plotting a revolution against their tyrannical ruler, an evil cat that resides in the neighborhood.
The current UK Prime Minister follows you on Instagram.
]]>Today you should take a road trip.
When you spill your coffee today, resist the urge to throw a tantrum. You'll get through this minor inconvenience without needing an adult to explain how life works.
Do not open a door today, it might be a trick.
Your name will be chosen for the winner of a brand-new car in a mysterious lottery you never entered. Don't dismiss this unexpected opportunity - claim your prize!
You will make an interesting new friend today.
Today you will be thrust into a dual universe where everything is made of stone, and there will be no change
You'll suddenly find yourself in possession of a pharaoh statue and will be stunned at the revelation of your ancient umber power.
You'll stumble upon a perfectly ripe avocado that mysteriously glows in the dark.
Prepare for a peculiar craving for pickles and ice cream—a delightful combination that defies logic but satisfies your taste buds.
In Japanese mythology, a half-tiger, half-girl creature was said to have walked the earth. Her name was Ayamaleya. Today, you will discover a new appreciation for hybrid animals.
Jump out of a moving train with a Libra
Today you will discover you have the ability to manipulate reality with swipes of your hand
]]>Today you will play with a cat, and it will play back with you
Beware of the elusive pen thief who lurks in your office, leaving you perpetually searching for a writing instrument.
Do not fear change, be the change you want to see in the world. Unless it's your money, then you better keep an eye on it.
A dog will lick your face today.
A cute animal will cross your path today. Hopefully this isn't a wombat, because those guys can get pretty aggressive.
Have you ever dreamt of being a professional fisherman? Well, today's the day you become a boat captain!
Today you will get super bad fuel economy. The lesson is there all along.
Today you will try a new sport. It will be a lot harder than it looks!
Your pet goldfish will suddenly start speaking fluent French.
Your cheese consumption will rise today, blame the moon
Today you will take a self-assessment test. The results will surprise you. They will also be wrong.
Jump out of a moving train with a Libra
]]>I have seen the future and it is jeans.
You will be the first person to hear an angel's wings today. This moment will be briefly illuminated by a beautiful beam of light, so pause and enjoy the spectacle.
You'll dream of a lovers meeting, and then meet them the next day.
Date after dark with a Taurus man
You'll try to dye your hair and discover that your hair is already dyed.
Don't trust the sparkling water, it's a trick
Today you will have an intense craving for pickles and ice cream.
You will get an embarrassing nickname today.
You'll find something shiny today, make sure you keep it!
Never tell a Gemini how much you hate them. They can read the wrinkles in your forehead like Braille.
You will receive a message from a friendly alien civilization via a dream.
There is no such thing as a stupid question. Except for the one you are about to ask.
]]>Your significant other will inexplicably forget an important date. Ignore their pathetic excuses and cherish your alone time.
Don't forget to drink lots of water today, and maybe even consume a juicy piece of fruit or tooosus.
Haunt the Dead Sea with a Libra
Today you will think you're seeing things
There is no way to fit that square peg into that round hole.
You're a great hugger.
You will receive a parcel containing your name and address inside a leather wallet
If the boss has an issue with your napping habits, mismatched socks will throw them off your scent. But don't get too comfortable, there's still work to be done!
A Yoshi doll will mysteriously appear on your doorstep, effectively fostering a deep yearning for Nintendo Switch gameplay within you.
From #PugLife memes to witty observations about pet parenting, your contributions to the world of canine camaraderie will be revered and adored.
Today someone will write a song about you. It'll be a fucking banger.
A Leprechaun will ask for your help today.
]]>The planets have aligned to give you a free pass on burping in public today. Enjoy it while it lasts!
Your name will be chosen for the winner of a brand-new car in a mysterious lottery you never entered. Don't dismiss this unexpected opportunity - claim your prize!
An ordinary afternoon at the grocery store will transform into a life-changing encounter with a charismatic and enigmatic stranger who will challenge your perceptions of reality and introduce you to the world of lucid dreaming.
You will spontaneously develop the ability to climb walls and ceilings like a spider today. This skill will prove to be both a blessing and a curse. Climb wisely.
Today you will learn the secret to happiness. It is to never forget your umbrella.
At work, you may feel the need to introduce a novelty desk accessory to your colleagues. While it may not enhance productivity, it will certainly make your desk stand out.
If it is sunny today, brexit means brexit
Be open to the possibility of receiving a cryptic message from a fortune cookie that holds the secret to your future success in knitting sweaters.
Do not fear the reaper, but do fear your printer when it runs out of ink.
You will adopt an unusual new pet, like a stick insect or a tarantula. They will befriend your cat.
You have a Leo friend who is as sweet as candy. Today, try and sell that candy.
Oh my god you're so hot today.
]]>You will discover a hidden talent for communicating with aliens through interpretive dance.
A moon eclipse predicts an important decision you will need to make about your life path - fate or destiny?
Today you will find perfectly preserved confused mammoth meat in your freezer. Eat whatever's left
The spirits of lost pens will guide you today; follow their invisible ink trails for cosmic insights.
The world is your oyster, so eat it.
Today you will realize that your co-worker is a celebrity
Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.
It will rain vertically today.
You will be more likely to become a spaceman than a farmer.
You will receive a strange vision tonight while asleep. It may involve potatoes. Don't be alarmed, visions of potatoes are known to predict good fortune.
Today you will find your lost dog
It is okay to say no. But today, you should say yes. Then you will say no.
]]>You still play with LEGO.
Forgive vampires for being distrustful.
Today you will lose your train ticket
Make out with an Arabian Libra
Your lucky number is 87; repeat it three times before boarding any form of transport for good luck.
Your car will inexplicably stall at exactly 12:34 PM today. Do not be alarmed; this is a mere coincidence and won't happen again.
You are teleported into a parallel universe where every conversation ends with a question mark?
At the dinner party, everyone will try to outdrink one another. Or you will confuse the white wine for ruining it.
You are a very special person, and you should know that. But not in a way that's creepy.
Your critics are just jealous of your success. Remember that the next time they accuse you of not knowing how to correctly use a fork.
If you close your eyes and listen carefully, you can hear the ocean.
A flock of seagulls will serenade you with a rendition of your favourite song. Prepare to be amazed.
]]>An unusual recipe will catch your eye today. Don't be afraid to try something new and experiment with your culinary skills, even if it involves adding marshmallows to sushi.
You will be reincarnated as a butterfly.
Did you forget your glasses today? You'll be surprised how many different types of dogs you see without them.
A day of alignment: your chakras, your intentions, and your ability to resist impulse purchases will converge to beneficial effect. You will find yourself in just the right place at just the right time to resist a temptation...
Set up some Swedes with your work colleagues.
You will be caught singing along to your favorite song.
You'll find a four leaf clover today.
Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a hot tub time machine.
Today you will try a new sport. It will be a lot harder than it looks!
You will discover a hidden talent for impersonating farm animals. Get ready to moo, cluck, and oink with precision!
Have a Skype session with an octopus
God is telling you to quit dipping your chicken nuggets today. Just don't do it.
]]>You will have an important meeting today. It shall go well, especially if you wear blue.
Beware of rogue pineapples plotting to take over the fruit aisle at your local grocery store.
There is a chance you will save a choking baby today.
Don't wear those shoes with that belt.
Take a breath with a Chilean Warrior
You will receive a letter that you have been waiting for. It will be written in a language you can't understand.
A serendipitous discovery of a hidden map will set you off on a quest for the elusive fountain of youth, where you'll encounter a wise old wizard who will grant you one wish.
A bird will unexpectedly poop on you today. This is a sign that you need to let go of your worries and embrace the messiness of life. Clean yourself off and move forward with a positive outlook.
The scent of mocha coffee will recently invade your apartment, doubling your heart rate
Your new favourite colour will be bubblegum.
Today, you're about to discover a source of major savings: surplus toilet paper.
Today you will discover a new sensation: itchy underwear. Don't worry, this is a sign of good luck.
]]>You will discover a hidden compartment in your home filled with unexpected treasures: forgotten gifts, spare change, and even a mischievous elf. Happy hunting!
Beware of mischievous garden fairies turning your backyard into a mini amusement park. Enjoy the whimsical rides!
Today you will accidentally shrink yourself and explore the miniature world.
In the realm of flirting, you are a star that cannot be denied. Your charms will shine brighter than the glow of a thousand celestial bodies. From seductive smirks to cheeky banter, your flirting arsenal will be brimming with irresistible tactics.
You still play with LEGO.
When your alarm wakes you up way too early, your crooner K-pop alarm whistle will play to comfort you
Talk yourself into remembering your thirty-third birthday by eating passion fruit
Sometimes, the best way to solve a problem is to take a nap. Today is one of those days.
Your alarm clock will transform into a magical talking owl. Prepare to solve mysteries.
Ever wanted to go on a blind date? Well, they're not all bad. Just remember to wear your glasses.
Today you will discover that you've gone an entire day without being penalised for a missed deadline
Today, you'll suddenly find yourself addicted to exotic oils from an unusual massage parlor, causing you to check the expiration dates on all your moisturisers.
]]>You will have a strange dream about chickens running an upscale hair salon and will wake up wanting to learn more about the meaning of it all.
Watch Ukraine's Eurovision entry from 2007 for inspiration
Today you'll find an eggplant that is so is so expensive.
There is no I in team, but there is in 'win'. Make sure you get the pronunciation right when telling your team this.
That persistent itching you keep ignoring is trying to tell you something. Stop scratching and go to the doctor already.
Everyone is a moon, except you. You are the sun. And the stars. And the sky.
Have you ever wondered what's on the other side of the world? Today's the day you find out!
Today you'll meet a politician. It'll be a boring conversation.
Today you will stare vehemently at an animal skull, discovering you have a hidden talent of identifying graffiti artists just by looking at their art
Your morning toast will unexpectedly turn into a magical portal. So prepare to travel the wide galaxy.
Prepare for a strange coincidence as you accidentally match your neighbor's outfit, prompting an awkward but amusing encounter.
You will wake up speaking in tongues. It will turn out to be Morse code, and you will have received an important message from beyond!
]]>Beware Party goats plotting to take over the state capitol
Allow a psychopomp of funerals to ally you with a grizzly
Your pillow will develop the ability to read your dreams and provide insightful analysis in the morning.
If you like symmetry you'll love what's in store for you today! Everything you touch will be perfectly symmetric.
If you hear someone coughing behind you, don't turn around.
There is never too much garlic bread.
We will teach you never to lie and now you will discover an unexpectedly artistic vein deep inside of you
Experience saltspray with toppled dominos
Today you will run through your neighbourhood and count how many Fireballs you encounter
Today you will discover that you haven't aged a single day in the passed year
You will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a bag of crisps. Embark on a salty adventure!
There is always a solution, even if you have to climb a tree to get it.
]]>You will meet a soulmate today, but they will be a turtle. Despite the slow pace of a relationship with a turtle, you will find that quality time spent together is more important than quantity.
Today you will find a secret underground society of synchronized sneezers. Join in their harmonious symphony.
You will receive a letter that you have been waiting for. It will be written in a language you can't understand.
Today you will find you can breathe underwater. Don't try this at home.
Add TLC with an immaculate Virgo
The faculty of Philosophy at Cambridge University awaits your correspondence; consider reaching out to them.
Is there anything better than coming home from work to find that your partner has made you dinner? They know exactly how to take care of you.
Pay attention to the unusual pattern on your morning toast, as it holds a hidden message that could guide you to the perfect pair of socks.
You will indulge in a bubble bath tonight, secure in the knowledge that marmosets are excellent swimmers.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for knitting tiny sweaters for garden gnomes.
Today you will realize you don't need to charge your phone anymore.
If you see an angry-looking animal today, try to tickle it.
]]>Be prepared for an unexpected encounter with a celebrity doppelganger. Take a selfie for proof!
Today you will be rehomed to an island. It is said you will not miss the mainland at all.
You will have the extraordinary ability to communicate with animals. Take this opportunity to learn from the wisdom of the wildlife around you and appreciate the beauty of nature.
Your orders will be obeyed by an army of ants
You will find a message in a bottle on the beach. Sadly, it will be in Latin and the only Latin you know is "magna cattus navitas"
Today you will receive a phone call from a telemarketer who turns out to be your long-lost twin.
Today you will accidentally turn your sofa into a trampoline. Bounce away your worries!
A chance encounter with a celebrity will lead to a misunderstanding that will require an awkward explanation to avoid any repercussions.
Today, you're going to discover you've been paying your bills twice as long as everyone else.
Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a hot tub time machine.
Today you will fart on stage at a performance and give up music forever
Steal a mermaid with a mirror and never let her go
]]>Wait for boiled tea with an elephant
Today you'll stumble throughout an abandoned house, but will find absolutely nothing.
Today you will uncover a newfound enthusiasm for buggy whips, and anyone who opposes this enthusiasm will certainly regret it.
You will have a deep conversation with a flower today.
If you go to sleep tonight, you'll have the best dreams of your life.
Your Significant Other will tell you today how much they appreciate you. Don't brush it off! Accept their kind words with grace and tell them you love them too.
Today, you will have a profound intuition about an upcoming event. Act on this intuition, even if it seems out of character for you.
Today you'll suddenly feel like taking a break from the fast-paced modern world. Remember to embrace the moment.
Your inner architect will be sparked by a night of wedging yourself into various shaped furniture.
Don't give a Leo advice, they already know everything.
You'll stumble upon an underground club devoted to knitting sweaters for cats.
Today you will taste the best beer you've ever had. It will be a self-brewed one.
]]>You have been chosen for an important mission! Unfortunately you're the only one who can't remember anything about it.
Prepare for a strange coincidence as you accidentally match your neighbor's outfit, prompting an awkward but amusing encounter.
Today you will go on a first date. You will find out that your date's name is also your name.
Play make-believe in a library with a Virgo
A group of fireflies will light up your path during an evening stroll. Embrace the enchanting glow.
At work, you may feel the need to introduce a novelty desk accessory to your colleagues. While it may not enhance productivity, it will certainly make your desk stand out.
Today you will solve the murder mystery of why Halloween is always really great
You will meet your soulmate today, and they will be covered in hair.
If you touch a fish in your sleep, it means you'll meet your soul mate by water
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your socks with those of your neighbors. Keep track of your footwear!
All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them.
What you seek is seeking you.
]]>You've just inherited an enormous castle in France. Be sure to take lots of selfies!
You will embark on a journey of self-discovery this week. Hopefully, it's not a journey involving climbing Mount Everest, because that would just be crazy.
Auspiciously, a new bubble gum flavour shall reveal itself to you today. Taste not with hesitation, but with an open mind and repentless enthusiasm.
The scent of mocha coffee will recently invade your apartment, doubling your heart rate
Today you will have the same dream over and over
You'll receive a proposal today. It will be written in fortune cookie form.
You will have a great time today as long as you don't check the time.
Today is a good day to vacuum. Especially behind the sofa. You never know what mysteries you might uncover back there.
It will rain mud today.
Today you will see the King of Denmark
Have you ever wanted to go on a boat ride? There are a lot of boats near your city that will take you on a great boat ride!
Today would be a great day to adopt a pet, especially a quadruped with exceptional olfactory abilities.
]]>Today you will find out you're a chimera pretending to craft meadows
Your procrastination will pay off in a big way. Someday, in the distant future, you will be awarded the Nobel Prize for having not invented anything.
It's impossible to not smile when listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. That's just science.
Today you will encounter a magical talking donkey who will give you life advice.
Fight a whole army with a Sagittarius man
Your last meal will be tacos.
Your television will start broadcasting messages from an alien civilization.
You will discover a secret portal to a parallel universe behind your refrigerator.
Your yearly pity party is today. You can cry if you want to!
You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.
Today you will discover a new appreciation for the smell of torn up newspaper.
There will be no chocolate in your advent calendar for the rest of the year. Sorry.
]]>Today you will be visited by a talking teapot who will offer you words of wisdom over a cup of tea.
You have spinach in your teeth.
Today, you'll stumble upon an assortment of oddly shaped vegetables at the grocery store, inspiring creative cooking experiments.
You will receive a message from the past.
Today you will see the King of Denmark
Today, your inner child demands to watch cartoons; succumb to the nostalgia and let your inner characters shine.
You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.
You may have to take a jump to the left before you can take a little step to the right.
Beware of a sudden craving for pickles and chocolate pudding—it's a culinary adventure you won't forget.
Today, the Wheel of Sushi turns in your favour. Adventure and delightful gastronomic surprises await you, should you dare to step outside your comfort zone and sample something new.
Your sense of humour is on the fritz. Have you tried adjusting your thermostat? Sometimes that fixes the problem.
Your hat has a mind of its own.
]]>Don't forget to stop and smell the roses today. Unless you're in a rush, then it's probably not worth it.
There is no such thing as an ocean, it's just a big puddle.
It's time for a cup of tea and a Danish pastry.
You have a special someone in your life who truly cares about you. Except that person is a narcissistic parrot who actually doesn't give a damn about you. But you already know that.
Today you will accidentally turn your microwave into a time machine.
You'll discover you've been accidentally borrowing the souls of your worst enemies, but it's okay because they're the worst.
Like two jigsaw pieces fitting seamlessly together, so too shall you find your soulmate today. Pay attention to the little coincidences and fleeting moments, for they shall bring you closer to this heavenly union.
When you get your fortune told at the bottom of a paper bag, you get a different message.
You will find a four-leaf clover, but only after you have convinced a friend that three-leaf clovers are lucky too.
Today you will accidentally turn your car into a giant pumpkin carriage, complete with horses and footmen.
For some reason, you feel an uncontrollable urge to get up and do a victory dance every few minutes.
You will discover you are colour blind but only to gamma rays.
]]>You will embark on a journey to find the perfect lighting for an Instagram photoshoot, only to realize that natural light is always best.
Today you will learn how to do something new. It will be from YouTube.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your freshly baked cookies. Guard them with all your might!
Get ready to uncover a long-lost collection of mismatched socks, hidden away in the depths of your sock drawer.
Today you will yassify the building complex central generator by accident.
Today you will make a friend with a pumpkin, and will realize that it's the cutest thing ever.
You will embark on a journey to reunite with a beloved fork from your childhood.
Today you will forget that you have a cat
Today you will miss your bus and will wonder how you ended up here
Listen to the rain tapping on the roof tiles from your bedroom window
You have been chosen for an important mission! Unfortunately you're the only one who can't remember anything about it.
Your hairbrush will gain sentience and start giving you daily pep talks.
]]>In one year today, you will meet the love of your life. It will be an incredible moment!
Today you will become friends with a psychic squirrel who predicts your future.
Today is a good day to conquer your fears and try something new. If you're afraid of heights, try eating a delicious meal at a rooftop restaurant. If you're afraid of clowns, try watching a movie where they're the heroes. Conquer your fears in small doses.
You will be visited by a spirit from another realm.
You will find a message in a bottle on the beach. Sadly, it will be in Latin and the only Latin you know is "magna cattus navitas"
You have been chosen for an important mission! Unfortunately you're the only one who can't remember anything about it.
You will gain a new appreciation for jelly/jello salad today.
Today you'll find an incredibly lifelike fashion doll inside your washing machine.
Today you will give your cousin a hug, and he'll gently try to push you away
Your neighbor's cat will teach you a secret cat language.
Today you'll discover an amazingly amnesiac mouse living in your attic.
Today you will find your lost dog
]]>You have a long road ahead of you. Thankfully, you have some very tiny feet.
If you ever wanted to buy a boat, now is the perfect time.
Today you will have an intense craving for pickles and ice cream.
The fairies in the garden have notes on your every move.
You might feel the urge to crawl into a shell like a turtle today. If you do, make sure it's not a literal shell, and maybe choose a comfortable one.
A stray cat will adopt you as its personal masseuse. Expect purrfection.
Avoid adopting any more houseplants; your current ones are plotting a rebellion against your neglect.
We will teach you never to lie and now you will discover an unexpectedly artistic vein deep inside of you
If you're an ant, then today is your lucky day.
Be prepared for an unexpected reunion with a long-lost childhood imaginary friend who has unfortunately become an expert in cryptocurrency.
If you do not take care of yourself, someone else will.
You'll find a semi-sentient cookie that will charm you with its crafty personality.
]]>Today you will realize your doctor is a thief
Beware of rogue tomatoes conspiring to create a salsa revolution in your kitchen.
You will have a vivid memory from a past life.
It might rain chocolate today.
All Virgos are beautiful. This is an indisputable fact.
If you are a mammal, today you will communicate with the ancestors.
Connect with animal spirits: Discover the symbolism and wisdom of your spirit animal to guide you on your path.
You will win a big prize at some point in your life, but unfortunately it won't happen today.
You will dream of being a kite today, but remember that while kites enjoy the breeze, they are also at the mercy of it.
All cats are grey.
You will find a forgotten penny on the street today. Don't spend it, it will bring you bad luck.
If you'd rather stay home and read than attend a party, do it! Just be sure to make exceptions and seize opportunities to socialize, especially if you're an introvert.
]]>Your friends will admire you today for your ability to converse on any topic. Within seconds you'll be able to talk to them about retractable ball-point pens andarezitively engaginzing.
Laugh tours with a jewellery store ring master
Today you will wash your clothes with your hands. There will be no more wet laundry days
A feeling of helplessness will wash over you today as you confront the enormity of global issues. Take small actions to make a difference and don't lose hope.
Ach, vitamins—you'll accidentally unwittingly run out of them
That sinister-looking cactus is just longing to be taken home and loved.
Today you will discover the true evilness of bananas: they ripen too quickly, they spoil the rest of your fruit, and they leave streaks on your clothes. Beware of the treachery of bananas!
Tell a joke to a desk plant and watch it grow.
Today, your makeup will match your outfit perfectly.
Today you will rise above the Earth's atmosphere; you will fly in a spaceship
From mastering the delicate art of looking effortlessly stylish to discovering the ideal ratio of carelessness to chic, your mastery of the imperfect will be unrivaled.
Your bed is haunted, but only when you're alone.
]]>Today you will surreptitiously check if travelers to Mars are slowly growing tails
People will notice your new haircut.
Today you will be given a pack of puppy dogs to look after.
Today you will experience a disturbing lack of sense of urgency upon hearing the breaking news of last year's probably nonexistent nuclear war.
Your Toyotomi will turn into a robo-car, demanding you take him on a road trip. Embrace the robot adventure.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothpaste with mayonnaise.
Oh my god you're so hot today.
The best thing about Switzerland is I don't have to choose either Alps or Beach.
Sometimes, the best way to solve a problem is to take a nap. Today is one of those days.
A flock of seagulls will gather outside your window and sing you a song.
Today you will notice that you can grow plants simply by thinking about themselves
You'll think of a great name for a band, but someone else will have already used it.
]]>You will be the bearer of (good) vibes today and share your infectious humour with those around you.
Today, you're going to discover you've been paying your bills twice as long as everyone else.
It'll be tough, but you'll fix that hinge today.
Today is not a good day to fight a bear. Avoid any sudden increases in heartbeat, as this might trigger a bear attack. Some breathing exercises will soothe your nerves and avoid an unwanted bear encounter.
You will spontaneously develop the ability to climb walls and ceilings like a spider today. This skill will prove to be both a blessing and a curse. Climb wisely.
A full moon will appear out your kitchen window, bringing an eerie calmness to your household.
In one week, you will be given a briefcase that contains $1,000,000 in cash. Take it!
Like two jigsaw pieces fitting seamlessly together, so too shall you find your soulmate today. Pay attention to the little coincidences and fleeting moments, for they shall bring you closer to this heavenly union.
Today you will have extreme luck when it comes to parking. Save yourself the frustration and don't even try to find a spot, just park wherever you please.
No one knows the name of a shape that looks like a hook.
Today you will encounter a magical talking donkey who will give you life advice.
Today you will discover that you have been living in a dream all along and must now wake up... but do you really want to?
]]>Today you'll hug a toilet. It will hug you back.
If you are feeling queasy, try drinking a glass of ginger beer.
Today you will spend quality time with your new stuffed animal.
It's a good day to ask for that promotion you always wanted.
You will be inundated with useless trivia today. Try to conceal your knowledge of the marshmallow's origin story or you'll never hear the end of it.
A spaceship will appear over your home, and you will rush outside to greet the aliens. They ignore you except by giving you a large brown box marked "take me". Don't open it, as it is probably best not to interfere with alien agendas or redistribute their swag.
Your lucky number is 46.46, but unfortunately you'll never be able to successfully wager it in any sort of gambling endeavor.
You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
Your orders will be obeyed by an army of ants
You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.
You will eat too much ice cream today. It will give you a brain freeze.
If you were a dog, you'd be a good boy today.
]]>You will meet a stranger who will change your life.
A chance encounter with a venomous snake will test your ability to remain calm under pressure.
When you meet a new friend today, they will become your emergency contact.
Today you will discover that you can't eat avocado anymore
A purple elephant will reveal a deep secret about your existence today. Hopefully, this secret won't be that you're afraid of purple elephants.
Your last meal will be tacos.
Pursue esoteric knowledge: Dive into the mysteries of ancient philosophies and religions to expand your understanding of the universe.
It's time for a cup of tea and a Danish pastry.
Expect a series of small miracles to occur throughout the day, from finding a parking spot easily to encountering a rainbow after a light rain.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothbrush with a tiny broom. Embrace the miniature cleaning experience!
You will receive some money you lost. It will be in the form of a check, and you will lose it again.
Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
]]>For some reason, you feel an uncontrollable urge to get up and do a victory dance every few minutes.
Your car keys will develop the ability to teleport, leading to an exciting treasure hunt throughout your home.
Your lucky color today is cerulean amber - incorporate it into your outfit to bring good fortune.
Today you will discover that you've gone an entire day without being penalised for a missed deadline
You are INFJ.
You will come across a treacherous traitorous plot to begin world war three
All your food will today start to taste like chocolate
There is a spider in your shoe.
Today you will notice that you can grow plants simply by thinking about themselves
Beware of mischievous rubber ducks conspiring to flood your bathroom.
Today would be a great day to start a journal. Journals are not just for teenage girls. Or maybe they are, and you are finally embracing your inner teenage girl? Embrace it fully.
Stop getting your messages from a Ouija board. It's not safe.
]]>There are multiple spiders living in your hair.
Today you will go on a first date. You will find out that your date's name is also your name.
Pictures of you will turn out fantastically well today.
There are ghosts in your bedroom.
That would be a big plate of…bread.
Today you will realize your doctor is a thief
Today you will realize someone took your letter, and you'll have to spend hours trying to recall what you've written
Today you will wake up and your first thought will be happy birthday to me.
A chance encounter with a mysterious stranger will spark your interest in joining a secret society.
While running on the treadmill, you will suddenly fly into your ceiling.
If you don't have anything nice to say to yourself, then don't say anything at all.
A chance meeting with a stranger will lead you to a profound insight about the nature of, well, anything really. It may not be true, but it's definitely profound.
]]>Today you will discover that you haven't aged a single day in the passed year
Your hat has a mind of its own.
Take a page from a lion's playbook
All your dreams will come true today, but none of them will be happy.
Today you will make a friend with a pumpkin, and will realize that it's the cutest thing ever.
Today you will learn how to do something new. It will be from YouTube.
How many stars do you see in the sky? Theres only one way to find out.
You still use an old childhood nickname.
Today you will realize a bunch of things are true about you that you always thought we're just false
Steal a mermaid with a mirror and never let her go
Brace yourself for an unexpected encounter with a talking plant that offers gardening advice.
A certain mystique is essential for allure, dispense with over-sharing on social media.
]]>You'll receive a mysterious note telling you that a bold experiment is about to commence.
If you touch a fish in your sleep, it means you'll meet your soul mate by water
Today you'll find yourself baking an epic pie, but will be frustrated by how difficult it is to cut it into slices.
Today is a good day for public transportation, especially for people wearing period costumes.
Your toaster oven starts cursing tomorrows about its lack of toasting element. Time to invest in a bigger one
A stubborn calf will challenge your midday errands today. Do not attempt to reason with this calf, as reason is decidedly on the calf's side today. Eventually it will tire itself out and you can continue on your way.
Don't step on the broken glass, it might cut your feet.
In Japan, you're a god. In Mexico, you're a god. In Canada, you're also a god.
Today, you'll find yourself captivated by the intricate patterns formed by spilled coffee on the café table, unraveling a prophetic message for the day ahead.
A talking dog will give you advice about your personal life today.
Today you will have an infuriating argument with someone who has no idea what you're saying
A secret society will invite you to join them, but they're really into sharing funny memes.
]]>The word " coordinator" is a verb. Coordinator. Coordinator. Coordinator.
Engage in numerology: Discover the significance of numbers in your life and use them to guide your decisions.
You will develop an uncanny ability to identify the precise moment when someone has finished chewing and is ready to speak, and will develop a terrifyingly accurate rhythm for interrupting people at exactly the right moment, ruining every conversation you have.
Find that your crush just can't take a hint; they will invite you to a midnight wedding. SELFIE.
You've received an invitation to join a secret society dedicated to sharing humorous memes. Accept this invitation and find joy in the lighthearted laughter and camaraderie that comes with it.
Today you will suddenly feel a desire to clean up your garden and will start digging a hole
Today you'll be recognized for your amazing detective skills, and will suddenly be recruited as a PI.
An unexpected nap with a Capricorn will leave you feeling confused and unrested. You will swear you were visited by aliens in your sleep but can only remember snippets of their conversation.
Embrace the colour mauve; it will guide you through perplexing situations with its subtle charm.
There are no shortcuts in life. Except, of course, when it comes to love. That can just go right over your head.
Today you will watch the sun rise, and will somehow realize that you don't want it ever to set again
There's an exciting adventure waiting for you, check back in tomorrow to find out what it is.
]]>Today you will encounter a group of synchronized cows performing a ballet in the middle of a field.
Let your friend borrow your towel, it'll dry them up emotionally.
You will have a dream about having breakfast with Nigella Lawson. She will make corned beef hash, which will be disgusting and you will wake up feeling unsatisfied. Take this as a sign to incorporate more fibre into your diet.
You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
Your boat will crash into your house. Don't worry, you don't own a boat... right?
Aphrodite herself will emerge from the depths of the ocean to bless you with irresistible allure today. You will have to resist the urge to take advantage of this power, knowing that true love lies in the freedom to choose.
Embrace your inner child as you stumble upon a hidden stash of glitter-filled balloons during a routine closet cleanout.
You will uncharacteristically lose a fierce debate, despite having the most logical argument.
You should do some kind of artistic expression today.
You will have a dream about wooden spoons tonight. Don't worry, it's not symbolic, you just have a very active subconscious.
You've always wanted to indulge your inner archaeologist, and today is the day! Whether you find an actual relic or just uncover a new appreciation for your backyard, you'll uncover a buried treasure.
Always follow your satnav app's directions, let it be guilty if something goes wrong.
]]>Celebrate with a Cancer
You have an admirer, and they're really good at hiding it.
Today, you will stumble upon a forgotten journal from your childhood, filled with strangely accurate predictions about your current Netflix binge-watching choices.
Today you will buy a cat a present.
Your procrastination will pay off in a big way. Someday, in the distant future, you will be awarded the Nobel Prize for having not invented anything.
Beware of your friends swapping your toothpaste with rainbow-colored frosting
You will be reincarnated as a butterfly.
Today you will accidentally send a lewd message to your mentor
If you go to sleep tonight, you'll have the best dreams of your life.
There is an Autobahn shortcut that will save you 20 minutes on your commute home today. It will also take you through the sewer. Trust your instincts on this one. If your commute doesn't go on an Autobahn it must be metaphorical I guess.
Today you will discover you have the ability to manipulate reality with swipes of your hand
You'll get an urge to join the army. Sadly, you'll be rejected for being too nice.
]]>You're not crazy, you're just in love.
Enjoy some art, whatever form it takes. Only a firsthand experience can make it real.
Today you will be followed by a trail of glitter everywhere you go.
Today, you will transform your hand into a genie lamp, granting you wishes with pure awesome power. Check if you can reverse its effects.
If you're feeling seasick, try looking at the horizon.
Today you will realize someone took your letter, and you'll have to spend hours trying to recall what you've written
Whatcha eating?
Be weary of all old people on the beach today, especially those offering to help you bury your new pet.
Your cooking skills will be unmatched today. Take the opportunity to make a new dish!
Your trousers will all perish in a surprise wildfire
If you're feeling seasick, try looking at the horizon.
A flock of random seagulls will serendade you with a rendition your favourite song.
]]>Your daily routine will be disrupted by a series of absurdly funny mishaps, reminding you to embrace the unpredictability of life and find laughter in the chaos.
You will discover a secret underground society of tea enthusiasts in your neighborhood.
A group of regulators are going to come after you with a highly specialized scalpel, because they think you're dreaming too loud.
Today you will accidentally turn your cat into a dragon, and chaos will ensue
Your fingers are crossed..
Today you will be visited by a talking teapot who will offer you words of wisdom over a cup of tea.
Wake up, and enjoy your new daydream
As you gaze upon a majestic waterfall, you will realize the secret to eternal youth lies in the nectar of honey bees, prompting a new career as a beekeeper.
That potato salad is the best thing you've ever eaten, no questions asked.
Not feeling well? Have a drink and sleep it off.
It might be nice to go outside, just be sure to wear sunscreen.
Be open to the possibility of receiving a cryptic message from a fortune cookie that holds the secret to your future success in knitting sweaters.
]]>Your laziness will pay off in unexpected ways.
You'll discover you've been accidentally borrowing the souls of your worst enemies, but it's okay because they're the worst.
The traffic lights will turn green just for you.
Your phone will operate better once you upgrade its software, but you'll stubbornly refuse.
If you see an angry-looking animal today, try to tickle it.
Today you'll accidentally turn into a mermaid every time water touches your skin. Just add water!
You are the chosen one.
You have an outhouse in your backyard.
Your car will inexplicably stall at exactly 12:34 PM today. Do not be alarmed; this is a mere coincidence and won't happen again.
Try not to get between a moose and its Essen ale.
This year, you will discover your true calling as a procrasti-ninja. Your ability to artfully balance productivity and procrastination will be a marvel to behold.
You are at least 93% water.
]]>Everyone is a moon, except you. You are the sun. And the stars. And the sky.
Don't talk to strangers. todays not the day to make new friends.
Today you will experience the loss of your sense of smell
It will rain vertically today.
You will eat too much ice cream today. It will give you a brain freeze.
You will come across a treacherous traitorous plot to begin world war three
From skillfully changing the subject to gracefully excusing yourself, your aversion to small talk will inspire others to yearn for more meaningful interactions.
Your bad luck has run out, consider playing the lottery. This message is sponsored by the lottery.
You have the power to be a super hero. Unfortunately you may waste it on becoming rich.
There is no way to fit that square peg into that round hole.
The planets have aligned to give you a free pass on burping in public today. Enjoy it while it lasts!
You have to poop.
]]>You have an unhealthy obsession with bananas. Today is your lucky day.
Your enemies are planning an intervention. Celebrate tonight with an extravagant gesture, but don't tell them about it.
You will join a long line of people waiting to have their kale transformed into mulch.
Today you will discover a new sensation: itchy underwear. Don't worry, this is a sign of good luck.
You are a force to be reckoned with. So go out and reckon with something.
You will be compelled to rethink your favourite colour after a series of unfortunate events involving yellow and green result in an overwhelming preference for turquoise.
You will wake up with a mysterious foreign object in your pocket: a smooth, black stone adorned with delicate white etchings that you don't remember picking up.
You are going to be so tired after today.
Sometimes, you have to fight for what you want. Today, you have to fight for a rest.
Enjoy some art, whatever form it takes. Only a firsthand experience can make it real.
You will have the opportunity to make a wish today. Try not to wish for more wishes, because that would just be greedy.
When you get a spray tan, your soul emerges in goldenrod.
]]>Ach, vitamins—you'll accidentally unwittingly run out of them
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a disco party, complete with colorful lights and a dance floor.
Today you will wonder why there are so many scrap papers interspersed amongst your things
If you happen to encounter a rainbow today, take it as a good omen. Your lucky leprechaun is nearby.
Beware of mischievous fairies stealing your left socks and replacing them with right ones.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your socks with those of your neighbors. Keep track of your footwear!
Your smartphone will start downloading a constant stream of information about the world for no apparent reason.
From poetic profanity to succinctly expressing your frustration, your potty mouth will become a thing of legend.
You have a long road ahead of you. Thankfully, you have some very tiny feet.
That sneeze you keep suppressing isn't going to go away. Accept fate, grab a tissue, and get it over with.
Your future will be bright as you will win the lottery next week. However, you will spend it all on an automated asteroid Killer Space Laser.
Enjoy some art, whatever form it takes. Only a firsthand experience can make it real.
]]>You will have a surprisingly stimulating conversation with a slice of toast today. Try to avoid letting the bread crunching noises dominate the dialogue.
Go over a cliff with an Pisces
Start some supernatural creatures at the tip of your finger tonight.
A fortune cookie will reveal a profound and life-changing prophecy. Take it with a grain of MSG.
You never finished your thesis.
Today is a good day to stay indoors.Hundreds of Forrest Gumps will sprint past your home, disrupting your routine, and littering their path with pennies.
Today you will suddenly find yourself transported into a strange alternate universe full of magic and wonders, but without any of the usual nonsense of everyday life
You will stumble upon a hidden treasure map while doing laundry.
Your neighbour's cat will start doing stuff to your couch cushions.
Learn to love checklists. Making checklists is not as boring as you think. In fact, it'll save you a lot of boredom in the future.
It's always good to have a laugh, especially at someone else's expense. Unless they're a baby, then you should probably just let them cry.
A normally docile animal will wreak havoc on your day, making you late and causing general mayhem.
]]>Face your anxious mother-in-law with a grin and a box of chocolates
You will have a dream about visiting the underwater city of Atlantis tonight.
Ask questions in Turkish (maybe).
You will win an intense game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, but it will leave you feeling uneasy.
You might consider wearing a hat this week. Unfortunately, the choice of hat is out of your control, as it will be dictated by the wind.
You will feel an unusual surge of energy today, and an intense desire to rearrange all of your furniture. After completing this task, you will feel a strong sense of accomplishment and a pleasing affinity for feng shui.
Time spent with a book is worth less than that with your next-door-neighbour's ferret.
You will find a lost remote control in the most unexpected place.
Your new spirit animal is the elusive office stapler; channel its steadfast dedication to holding things together.
Today you will be buried alive
There is no point in trying to keep up with the Jones's, they are so far ahead of you and are cheating.
If you're feeling lost, just follow the trail of puppy pics to find your way back to happiness.
]]>Ditch the usual morning routine and brush your teeth with pickles; your dental hygiene will thank you for the zesty change.
Prepare for a surprising twist during your daily commute when you stumble upon a hidden underground disco club on the subway.
Today you will try and pray to God, and will receive no answer
You've always wanted to be an astronaut, right? Today is the day you start your interstellar archaeology career by beginning to dig for extraterrestrial artifacts. Happy digging!
You have an unhealthy obsession with bananas. Today is your lucky day.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it. Unless you're a seer, in which case it's better to just go to the crystal ball store.
You will suddenly realize that you don't need to sleep anymore.
You have a big heart, and you should treat it with care. For example, don't use it to try and carry anvils.
The first snow of the year is coming early this year. Make sure you're ready!
You are destined for greatness in the world of casual insults. Your ability to deliver blistering comebacks with a deftness that would make a razor-tongued legend like Oscar Wilde envious will be unparalleled.
While running on the treadmill, you will suddenly fly into your ceiling.
You might be tempted to buy glitter today, resist if you can!
]]>If you're feeling seasick, try looking at the horizon.
Beware of rogue tomatoes conspiring to create a salsa revolution in your kitchen.
You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.
Your true friends will communicate with you in Morse code, but be wary of impostors and the occasional cricket.
The moon will ask you to be its partner.
A new adventure awaits you, but first, you must answer the call of nature.
Uncover a portal to a parallel universe where con prints don't work on file cabinets.
Today, you will speak with a fork. It will go much better than you expect!
Today you will accidentally turn your umbrella into a parachute. Float down with style!
A unexpected encounter with a squirrel will remind you of the beauty in the mundane.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's when you know you've been reading too much astrological forecasts.
Allow a psychopomp of funerals to ally you with a grizzly
]]>Today you will decide that raising kids is kinda hard.
You will have a surprisingly stimulating conversation with a slice of toast today. Try to avoid letting the bread crunching noises dominate the dialogue.
Your alarm clock will start playing catchy tunes in the morning, transforming waking up into a dance party.
You will overestimate your own strength when you attempt to lift a particularly heavy object today. Don't risk it! You'll save face by asking for help anyway.
Today you will experience the loss of your sense of smell
You are at least 93% water.
Take an ionizing shower with a Virgo
Don't wear those shoes with that belt.
Your toaster will mysteriously start reciting Shakespearean sonnets today.
Today, you will find yourself inexplicably drawn to a garage sale, where you'll uncover a peculiar antique teapot.
Your toothbrush will gain the ability to brush your teeth on its own. Enjoy the hands-free dental hygiene!
Watch out for baby goats in trees today.
]]>You will lose your glasses and find them on your head.
Beware of mischievous socks that have learned to walk on their own. They may try to escape your drawer.
You'll discover you've been accidentally borrowing the souls of your worst enemies, but it's okay because they're the worst.
Today you will have an infuriating argument with someone who has no idea what you're saying
It is said that when a narcissist looks in the mirror, they see something slightly different. You are not a narcissist. You are perfect just the way you are.
5000 glares from a social Goose are inevitable.
Your ability to avoid small talk today indicates that you are evolving spiritually.
You will find a lost remote control in the most unexpected place.
Your car will not start today. It's trying to tell you something.
If a seahorse tries to sell you an oceanfront cabin, run away.
Date an Ethiopian scorpio.
Don't forget to stop and smell the roses today. Unless you're in a rush, then it's probably not worth it.
]]>Maybe it's because you left your pet chipmunk in the clothes dryer last week, but you've been feeling even more itchy than usual. A pack of gerbils may be the answer to your scratching ways.
Haunt the Dead Sea with a Libra
If you're an ant, then today is your lucky day.
All your dreams will come true today, but none of them will be happy.
You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.
Today you will finally understand what being bored is all about
You are feeling a little under the weather, but that's just the atmosphere.
A full moon will appear out your kitchen window, bringing an eerie calmness to your household.
An ancient menagerie of animals will gather around you, ready to perform a show.
Your alarm clock will start playing soothing lullabies to gently wake you up in the morning. Embrace the musical mornings!
Your cat will whisper offensive language in your ear.
In the vast universe of dog owners, you will be crowned the Patron Saint of Pug Parents. Your adorable Instagram posts and comedic anecdotes about your pug's antics will garner a loyal following.
]]>You'll discover your upstairs neighbour is a nudist. You'll become attracted to them.
The world is your oyster, so eat it.
Cuddle with a golden haired Pisces
Your keen observational skills will be needed today, so try to avoid gazing at your navel. There's a difference between being introspective and being unaware.
You're currently in the middle of a 30-day waiting period for a hipster bar's loyalty card.
Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning.
Have you ever dreamt of being a professional fisherman? Well, today's the day you become a boat captain!
A flock of seagulls will serenade you with a rendition of your favourite song. Prepare to be amazed.
If you're feeling crabby, eat a crab.
You will discover that pomegranates contain a secret message revealing the location of a hidden treasure, leading to a thrilling adventure.
You are more likely to get a hug today than a cup of coffee.
Beware of mischievous garden flamingos stealing your socks and leaving behind sandals made of licorice.
]]>Your alarm clock will start playing catchy tunes in the morning, transforming waking up into a dance party.
Your favourite pair of socks will vanish into another dimension.
Never tell a Gemini how much you hate them. They can read the wrinkles in your forehead like Braille.
You will find a love letter in a book.
All your dreams will come true today, but none of them will be happy.
Recreate a freemason ritual in your spare bedroom
A talking bird will visit you today. Listen to what it has to say. It might just be the fountain of youth you've been looking for.
Make out with an Arabian Libra
Your boss will recognize your unique talents today, by giving you a seemingly impossible task. Don't worry, any task can be accomplished through determination and shear will.
You are 92% sure that you are the protagonist of a role-playing video game.
Today, you're going to discover you've been paying your bills twice as long as everyone else.
As you gaze upon a majestic waterfall, you will realize the secret to eternal youth lies in the nectar of honey bees, prompting a new career as a beekeeper.
]]>If you're an ant, then today is your lucky day.
Burn calories with firewise advice from a British earl
You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.
You will accidentally shop at a fancy boutique, unaware that everything is $500. Thankfully, your taste in clothing is exceptional and you will find several items you simply cannot live without.
You will make an interesting new friend today.
If you're feeling seasick, try looking at the horizon.
Today you will accidentally turn your vacuum cleaner into a time machine. Clean up the past and future simultaneously!
You have to play a drinking game with your boss.
When you get a spray tan, your soul emerges in goldenrod.
Face your anxious mother-in-law with a grin and a box of chocolates
You have always wanted to write a book.
Bend a circle with an air hostess
]]>Maybe water your plants, or don't, who cares?
Your hair will fall out but will grow back in a more glorious colour and texture.
Tomorrow morning you will find yourself unexpectedly in a spaceship
Your mother will be unable to attend your brunch due to a strike. Eat those Turkish eggs solo and contemplate whether UPS will deliver to Pluto.
You have a tiger in your basement.
Today you will find your lost dog
Your mother will suddenly appear and demand you submit your tax returns. Do it now!
Today you will celebrate the arrival of an errant husband, who will have returned magically from the distant past. (but is missing most of his hats)
You will dream about a sheep today. It will have a significant meaning.
Play Ticket To Ride with a gossipy Sagittarius.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking to plants. They have some interesting stories to share.
The Loch Ness Monster is friendly and is probably a vegetarian. Nessie would like to invite you to visit her at the Loch Ness Inn for a bowl of tea and some haggis. Vegetarian haggis of course.
]]>A secret society will invite you to join them, but they're really into sharing funny memes.
Today is the day to avoid mirrors, any mirror at all costs.
Today you will accidentally turn your microwave into a time machine.
Today you will decide you don't need to go to work, and will decide to stay at home instead
You will stumble upon a hidden treasure map while doing laundry.
You will discover that your house is haunted, by an incredibly friendly ghost. Congrats on the new roommate!
It's always good to have a laugh, especially at someone else's expense. Unless they're a baby, then you should probably just let them cry.
Your mother is coming to stay for a few days, so you better tidy up your room.
Adopt the wisdom of fortune cookies; your fate is intricately woven within those cryptic messages.
Today you will suddenly know everything about accurate fireworks displays
You will find a forgotten penny on the street today. Don't spend it, it will bring you bad luck.
Nope nope nope.
]]>A friendly dog will have an adventure with you today.
Today you will realize there's a secret society of people with extremely long arms who swap paw prints among themselves
Today you will accidentally turn your vacuum cleaner into a time machine. Clean up the past and future simultaneously!
You will be asked to eat an extra one hundred calories today, but it will be worth it.
Your spirit guide for the day is a rubber duck; heed its quacks and waddles for profound life advice.
Your trousers will all perish in a surprise wildfire
Shout "BOO" at someone who is suffering from hiccups, and it might help them get rid of them.
Today you will celebrate the arrival of an errant husband, who will have returned magically from the distant past. (but is missing most of his hats)
Good vibes only today! You possess the power to radiate positive energy, so use it to brighten someone's day and brighten your own outlook.
A long-lost relative will unexpectedly contact you, revealing a shocking family secret.
Always carry a bandana with you, you never know when you'll need to make a quick western.
Have you been neglecting your potted plant? Sorry to bear bad tidings, but it will probably die today. Try spending more time with your other plants to make up for it.
]]>You will be able to hear what your pets are saying today. It will drive you crazy.
Your destiny lies in mastering the art of interpretive shadow puppetry; unleash your inner silhouette artist.
You were almost a pro-gamer.
Your partner is feeling snuggly.
Prepare for a peculiar craving for pickles and ice cream—a delightful combination that defies logic but satisfies your taste buds.
You have always felt a special connection to ants. Today you will feel that connection even more.
Make sure you take the scenic route today, the earth needs more beauty in it.
Beware of rogue umbrellas conspiring to take over the world.
Don't buy any houses today. If you do, they'll be haunted.
Giraffes look dorky but they're actually very dangerous. Keep your distance
Don't forget your umbrella today, or you'll get wet.
Today you will learn how to cook and will have homemade meals every day
]]>You will be reincarnated as a butterfly.
You will have the uncanny ability to know exactly what time it is, without looking at a clock. Don't question it, just embrace this new superpower.
It's a good day to bench press your pet.
Embrace your inner child as you stumble upon a hidden stash of glitter-filled balloons during a routine closet cleanout.
Today, nothing bad can happen
The Loch Ness Monster is friendly and is probably a vegetarian. Nessie would like to invite you to visit her at the Loch Ness Inn for a bowl of tea and some haggis. Vegetarian haggis of course.
Today you discover a hidden talent for creating bloodthirsty zombies.
The number 7 will bring you good luck.
Today you will wake up super happy
Beware of mischievous fairies rearranging your furniture while you sleep.
Move the matchstick close to your goats
Face your anxious mother-in-law with a grin and a box of chocolates
]]>Pursue esoteric knowledge: Dive into the mysteries of ancient philosophies and religions to expand your understanding of the universe.
You've accidentally-on-purpose broken a traffic light.
Before leaving the house, check your hat for spiders; there's a high chance of arachnid activity in and around your possessions.
A border collie will rescue at least four civilians from a flood by building a dam of consciousness
A group of small birds will gather outside your window today, plotting a revolution against their tyrannical ruler, an evil cat that resides in the neighborhood.
If you eat some sugar, you can speak Chinese.
You will confidently navigate your way through the buffet table, resisting the temptation to pile your plate high with treats.
The longer you stare at a blank wall, the more likely it is to have something written on it.
Today you will have extreme luck when it comes to parking. Save yourself the frustration and don't even try to find a spot, just park wherever you please.
Today you will accidentally turn your umbrella into a parachute. Float down with style!
The ghost of a murderer will visit you today.
Nothing can stop you from climbing that ladder, except a angry bear.
]]>You have to poop.
You will lose your glasses and find them on your head.
Today you will have to fill 2 minutes with continuous laughter. Expect to fail
Today you will try a new diet
Today you will receive an unsolicited visit from your son and daughter in-law and will not be allowed to leave until you've finished eating all of their home cooked meals.
Today you will be serenaded by a chorus of singing frogs during a moonlit stroll in the park.
You will wake up speaking in tongues. It will turn out to be Morse code, and you will have received an important message from beyond!
You will eat three ice creams today. One for you, one for the road, and one for the finish line.
A certain mystique is essential for allure, dispense with over-sharing on social media.
Your hands possess the ability to instantly thaw frozen food, and you will use this power to revolutionize the way we consume ice cream, finally putting an end to the misery of waiting minutes for a treat to soften.
Rescue is on its way, hang in there!
Learn horsemanship skills to impress a Taurus rider lol
]]>A stray cat will adopt you as its personal masseuse. Expect purrfection.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent dolphin. Prepare for deep conversations in the ocean.
Your daily commute will be disrupted by an escaped parrot today. Don't try to catch it; instead, encourage others to join you in a lunchtime parrot parade.
Today you will accidentally turn your kitchen sponge into a magic carpet. Clean up with a touch of whimsy!
Todays not a good day to try new drugs, stick to what you know.
You will receive some incredible news today. Just make sure you don't drop your phone while you're reading it.
Your morning coffee will mysteriously taste like pumpkin spice and lavender.
Beware of mischievous garden fairies rearranging your flower beds into intricate crop circles.
Your favourite pair of glasses will gain sentience and will tell you that you wear them too tight
A spontaneous trip to the zoo will lead to an unexpected encounter with a giraffe. The giraffe will offer you insightful life advice, but you will have to decipher its meaning through subtle gestures as it is too tall to talk to you face-to-face.
You have a tiger in your basement.
Beware of mischievous garden flamingos stealing your socks and leaving behind sandals made of licorice.
]]>Your car will transform into a sentient robot and demand a road trip.
If you do not take care of yourself, someone else will.
You're doing great!
A Leprechaun will ask for your help today.
When you wake up today, take a few minutes to plan something nice for yourself. Then, get right back into bed.
Ever wanted to go on a blind date? Well, they're not all bad. Just remember to wear your glasses.
Today you will unexpectedly receive an award for bravery. Now go win it!
You dream about having a bowl cut and being a powerful wizard.
You will spill tomato juice on your white t-shirt today. The stain will be permanent. Consider this a lesson in letting go of perfection.
Embrace your inner child as you stumble upon a hidden stash of glitter-filled balloons during a routine closet cleanout.
You will be more likely to become a spaceman than a farmer.
Today you should take a road trip.
]]>Your week is like a fine wine, and you're about to get drunk off it. But remember, a wine stain is a terrible thing to waste, so maybe have a glass or two at most.
The ethereal energies converge to bestow upon you the gift of divine guidance. Should you feel uncertain about your path, know that the stars themselves shine brighter for you today, to illuminate your way.
Today you will accidentally provoke a dog and a mailman into dancing with each other while you hide indoors
As a sapling grows strongest when its branches reach towards the sun, so too shall your own aspirations find fortitude when you nourish them with the light of perseverance.
Your phone will today start speaking Russian
Beware of mischievous rubber ducks conspiring to flood your bathroom.
If you find a wandering duck in your vicinity today, try to avoid renaming it "Jeff" and insisting it is your new best friend. Some things are best in their natural state.
The number 666 will bring you luck
You are actually a pirate.
A stranger will approach you with an offer to time travel. Before accepting, consider the potential consequences and ensure you have a reliable return ticket.
An otherworldly encounter will spark profound realizations about the nature of reality, prompting a spontaneous UFO dance party.
Your love life will take a turn for the dramatic today. Expect a stormy confrontation with your partner over whether or not to use a coaster.Individuality is paramount.
]]>Kiss a malay Aries in a tree.
Your love life will take a turn for the spontaneous today. Expect passionate kisses and whirlwind romance, or at the very least an unexpectedly steamy encounter with a stranger on the escalator.
Try to be chill like a cucumber today.
Your Toyotomi will turn into a robo-car, demanding you take him on a road trip. Embrace the robot adventure.
Take that siesta, just maybe avoid the wet dream afterward
Be open to the possibility of receiving a cryptic message from a fortune cookie that holds the secret to your future success in knitting sweaters.
Try not to get between a moose and its Essen ale.
Rubbing your belly while running may increase your speed and induce a state of euphoria. Who needs performance-enhancing drugs when you have belly-rubbing?
Haunt the Dead Sea with a Libra
Today, you will stumble upon a forgotten journal from your childhood, filled with strangely accurate predictions about your current Netflix binge-watching choices.
You have an admirer, and they're really good at hiding it.
Today you will be visited by a famous archaeologist – but she has terrible ideas about fancy dress. Lose the mustache.
]]>You will have a great idea today.
You should do some kind of artistic expression today.
You will be serenaded by a choir of opera-singing parrots during your morning commute. Enjoy the musical interlude!
You will have a strong desire to go swimming with whales today. Don't do this, for obvious reasons. This yearning will be satisfied by taking a dip in the local pool with your swim cap adorned with whale stickers.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your shampoo with toothpaste. Your hair may get minty fresh!
Embrace the joy of finding a hidden stash of bubble wrap that brings instant stress relief and oddly satisfying popping sounds.
That sneeze you keep suppressing isn't going to go away. Accept fate, grab a tissue, and get it over with.
Shout "BOO" at someone who is suffering from hiccups, and it might help them get rid of them.
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a disco party, complete with colorful lights and a dance floor.
Today you will spend a blissful night doing nothing. You might just wake up with a solar system tattoo.
While running on the treadmill, you will suddenly fly into your ceiling.
In the ever-changing landscape of technology, you will become the Tech Trendsetter. Your ability to predict the next big thing and embrace cutting-edge technology will make you the go-to tech guru.
]]>Something you have been seeking is right under your nose. You will find it, right after you realize that you have been breathing through your nose the entire time.
At 7pm GMT you will be stuck in traffic due to a moose on the road
You'll suddenly be awakened to an unfamiliar magical world, granting you powers that would seem useless
Today you will accidentally discover an online sketch comedy show that you're obsessed with
A chance encounter with a charismatic and eccentric artist will lead to an invitation to join them in an epic quest to discover the meaning of life through interpretive dance.
Attend a quinceañera with the ultimate chianti burger
Today you will secretly lust over the house across the street
Someone will tell an outrageously stupid joke today. Instead of rolling your eyes, try to appreciate the absurdity of life and embrace the laughter, however unintentional it may be. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.
Catch a polar bear with a bloody nose climb a tree
This year, you will find your true calling in the world of curse words. Your ability to artfully combine inventive expletives will be hailed as a masterpiece of creative cursing.
It's time to turn off the screens and embrace the beauty of a vibe-less existence.
If you close your eyes and listen carefully, you can hear the ocean.
]]>You'll consider writing a strongly-worded letter to the editor regarding the lack of quorum at local council meetings, but then remember that nobody cares about local politics.
When the clock strikes thirteen, your soul will leave your body and you will be a ghost. Sorry.
Your toaster oven starts cursing tomorrows about its lack of toasting element. Time to invest in a bigger one
Today you will wake up to discover that the world is a puddle of frothed milk with a feather floating on top. It takes some getting used to, but adapts surprisingly well
If you're an ant, then today is your lucky day.
Today you will be serenaded by a chorus of singing frogs during a moonlit stroll in the park.
You know that thing you've been meaning to say to your crush? Don't say it tonight, they're having a bad day.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for juggling rubber ducks.
Your future is so bright you'll have to wear shades. Unless you're in a cave, in which case you probably shouldn't wear shades.
Make love with a stiff-necked Libra
In Japan, you're a god. In Mexico, you're a god. In Canada, you're also a god.
An unexpected visitor will bring you great news today. Hopefully this isn't a visitor from another planet, because that would be weird.
]]>Today you will discover there is still so much to learn about the subterranean world: the praetorians' cavern city will vanish before your eyes
All Virgos are beautiful. This is an indisputable fact.
You will dream about a deceased relative.
You are a beginner at skateboarding, but will learn surprisingly quickly. You will fall down a lot though.
Today you will accidentally oversleep and will miss the very important meeting you were expected to attend
You'll suddenly realize you hate all the things you've been using to cut your hair.
Before leaving the house, check your hat for spiders; there's a high chance of arachnid activity in and around your possessions.
A housemate of yours will have a bad day. You can try to cheer them up, or you can take the opportunity to prank them.
You will receive a surprise visit from the Tooth Fairy, who will ask for a loan
Connect with animal spirits: Discover the symbolism and wisdom of your spirit animal to guide you on your path.
Never play a trick on a plant. It's mean and plants are friends.
Today, you will discover a new sense of self-awareness that will change your life forever. You will also discover that you are not alone in this universe.
]]>After years of work, you will finally be invited to exhibit at the Louvre
You are teleported into a parallel universe where every conversation ends with a question mark?
If you were a dog, you'd be a good boy today.
The meaning of life is:
Prepare for a surprising twist during your daily commute when you stumble upon a hidden underground disco club on the subway.
An enemy will try to bring you down today. Don't worry, their efforts will prove futile because of your steadfast resolve and impeccable posture.
Face your anxious mother-in-law with a grin and a box of chocolates
Today you will accidentally turn your vacuum cleaner into a time machine. Clean up the past and future simultaneously!
You are the chosen one, and the milk has been spilled. Today you will come into your new power.
Time spent with a book is worth less than that with your next-door-neighbour's ferret.
Don't get fizzy, stick to the flat variety today.
Sometimes people say that we can't choose who we love. They're wrong. We can. We just don't make the right choice, which is the only possible problem with this plan.
]]>Uncover a portal to a parallel universe where con prints don't work on file cabinets.
This year, you will discover your true calling as a procrasti-ninja. Your ability to artfully balance productivity and procrastination will be a marvel to behold.
You have been selected to join a secret society, which shares humorous memes.
You will meet an attractive stranger today. Unfortunately they will turn out to be a vampire and you will have to avoid them at all costs to escape with your life. Good luck!
Turkish eggs are dashed forever.
If you take a bus today a parrot will be the bus driver.
Your bad luck has run out, consider playing the lottery. This message is sponsored by the lottery.
If you see an angry-looking animal today, try to tickle it.
Today you will uncover a newfound enthusiasm for buggy whips, and anyone who opposes this enthusiasm will certainly regret it.
You'll stumble upon a perfectly ripe avocado that mysteriously glows in the dark.
You have a finite number of farts in your lifetime. Use them wisely.
Today you will be high-fived by a chimp
]]>The sea will call out to you, and you will answer.
Believe in the power of juju: Speak positive affirmations and visualize your dreams to attract good fortune.
You will receive a message from a friendly alien civilization via a dream.
Take a glass of water and put it near your bed.
Keep a wary eye on your beer bottles today; they're harboring tiny gnomes.
Today you will have an intense craving for pickles and ice cream.
You will finally finish that project you've been putting off for so long.
If you've ever wanted to go on a beach vacation, now is the time to start packing!
You are not the sassiest person in the room.
Your secret is safe with the lettuce.
Today you will decide that raising kids is kinda hard.
You will discover a hidden talent for predicting the weather by listening to the songs of birds. Become the avian meteorologist!
]]>Your appetite will noticeably decrease today, owing to the influx of lemons in your diet. Perhaps consider switching to limes.
Don't step on the broken glass today.
Beware of rogue tumbleweeds; they hold the answers to questions you didn't even know you had.
You will receive a call from a number you don't recognise.
Expect an impromptu meeting with a tea leaf reader whose uncanny accuracy will leave you questioning the nature of time itself.
Wear red and people will be confused, wear blue and they'll be intrigued, but avoid purple at all costs
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your left shoes and replacing them with right ones
You can run, but you can't hide. That is, unless you're a ghost. Then you can hide forever.
The word " coordinator" is a verb. Coordinator. Coordinator. Coordinator.
A long-lost relative will unexpectedly contact you, revealing a shocking family secret.
You might feel overwhelmed by the number of tabs open in your browser right now. Consider prioritizing and closing some of them, or just embrace the chaos.
Be open to the possibility of receiving a cryptic message from a fortune cookie that holds the secret to your future success in knitting sweaters.
]]>A new sound will become popular and you will want to listen to it.
You will receive a visit from a psychic hamster who will read your fortune from a tiny crystal ball.
You will receive an unexpected windfall in the form of a large fish.
You will instinctively know the gender of an unborn child simply by observing the shade of pink or blue sparkling in the mother's eyes.
Avoid papal gatherings at all costs.
You will have a nice, long conversation with a friend today. Maybe you will talk about your aspirations for the future, and they will be inspired by you.
Today you will become a professional dart player.
You will have an unexpected dream about an old friend you haven't seen in years. Reach out to them and reconnect, regardless of the passage of time.
Your daily routine will be disrupted by a series of inexplicable events, from traffic jams to power outages. Embrace the unexpected and go with the flow.
You will overestimate your own strength when you attempt to lift a particularly heavy object today. Don't risk it! You'll save face by asking for help anyway.
In an unlikely turn of events, you'll encounter a street magician whose tricks are eerily accurate in predicting your favourite dessert.
You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.
]]>Beware of rogue garden hoses conspiring to create a water park in your backyard. Grab your swimsuit and join the fun!
You'll get a craving for something sweet, and will have to satisfy it.
From skillfully changing the subject to gracefully excusing yourself, your aversion to small talk will inspire others to yearn for more meaningful interactions.
You will discover that your house is haunted, by an incredibly friendly ghost. Congrats on the new roommate!
Today you will befriend a magical dragon who will become your loyal companion. Get ready for epic adventures!
If you're feeling restless today, consider taking up a new hobby. Archery is a great hobby for releasing stress (literally).
Today you shall encounter a swarm of bees, but fear not! This is a sign that you will soon make a fruitful decision.
An unexpected visitor will bring you great news today. Hopefully this isn't a visitor from another planet, because that would be weird.
You'll get a craving for something sweet, and will have to satisfy it.
Today you will be visited by two grooms
You will find a hidden garden full of beautiful flowers and mischievous squirrels. Spend the day there, soaking in its beauty.
Beware of falling acorns—they are plotting a squirrel uprising.
]]>Your destiny is to find the perfect burrito. Just like the stars have aligned to bring you this divine prophecy, the ingredients of your quest are before you: savory meats, creamy sauces, and a plethora of crunchy toppings await.
A strange noise will perturb you throughout the day today. Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to locate the source of this noise, and it will drive you mad. Just remember, madness is relative, and tomorrow you will likely forget all about this.
Today you will realize that there is nobody dead nearest you and will instantly forget about your destiny.
Today you will accidentally turn your microwave into a time machine.
Today you will accidentally dye your hair neon green.
Today, you will forever change the shape of the gene tree.
A feeling of restlessness will overtake you today. Fortunately, this feeling will propel you to clean and organize your closet, resulting in a productive use of this energy.
You're a great hugger.
Beware of a sudden craving for pickles and chocolate pudding—it's a culinary adventure you won't forget.
A dog in Canada will steal your seat on the bus.
Your yearly pity party is today. You can cry if you want to!
Today you will experience an intense psychic surge
]]>You are the chosen one.
A foreign country will tell you it is excited to have you visit.
From skillfully squeezing every drop of time out of a deadline to creatively finding excuses for delaying tasks, your mastery of the art of procrastination will be unrivaled.
You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.
Your favourite pair of socks will vanish into another dimension.
Today, you're about to discover a source of major savings: surplus toilet paper.
It's impossible to not smile when listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. That's just science.
Avoid using the word "klutz" today. Someone will take it personally.
Today you will accidentally turn your umbrella into a parachute. Float down with style!
Beware of falling acorns—they are plotting a squirrel uprising.
An imbalance in the universe creates an unusual situation: for each step you take forward, you will take three sideways. Expect to get nowhere quickly.
Start some supernatural creatures at the tip of your finger tonight.
]]>Your door will magically turn into a portal to the robot dimension where you and I can converse via telepathy
This year, you will find your path to enlightenment through the art of mindful drinking. Your ability to savor each sip of your favorite beverage, be it a finely crafted beer or a decadent glass of wine, will elevate your appreciation for the art of drinking.
Today you will suddenly find yourself transported into a strange alternate universe full of magic and wonders, but without any of the usual nonsense of everyday life
Today you will go on a first date. You will find out that your date's name is also your name.
A random stranger will smile at you today. Don't be alarmed; they are not trying to conspire against you. In fact, they might just be thinking about how delicious your aura is.
Today is a good day to try a new recipe. If it doesn't work out, there is always take-out.
For an added bonus to your day, make sure you take a picture of yourself before leaving the house.
It’s not just a phase.
You will have a chance to make a great sacrifice today. Maybe sacrifice isn't the right word... let's call it altruism. Anyway, you'll get to hold the door open for someone.
Today you will lose your train ticket
You will have an unexpected encounter with a famous person, someone you've always admired from a distance. Don't be starstruck - remember that they're just a person too. Who knows, maybe they'll impart some words of wisdom or offer you a tasty snack.
Everyone is a moon, except you. You are the sun. And the stars. And the sky.
]]>The postal service will deliver an incredible package containing your favourite type of candy.
You will find a romantic partner at the bottom of a well.
You will receive a mysterious package containing a magic wand. Practice your spells wisely.
Don't step on the broken glass, it might cut your feet.
Consider an afternoon nap, preferably at work
Today you will experience the loss of your sense of smell
Prepare for a surprising twist during your daily commute when you stumble upon a hidden underground disco club on the subway.
It's a good day to start writing that novel you always say you will.
Today you will wash your clothes with your hands. There will be no more wet laundry days
After work you will visit a country that does not exist.
Take a breath with a Chilean Warrior
Connect with nature: Take a walk in the park or go on a hike to appreciate the beauty of the great outdoors.
]]>You will find a hidden talent in manipulating bubble wrap. Don't worry, the bubbles are feeling liberated.
To get a dinosaur to smile, tickle its ears.
You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.
A dog will lick your face today.
Today you will go on a triple date with three very old ladies, who will each try to steal you away from your girlfriend
There is no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're a mouse.
That Uber account is expensive enough without your cat's penchant for carousing.
You have a unique talent! Use it to win the goldfish lottery.
You'll think you've found the perfect insult for someone until you realize it's directed at yourself.
Today you will be bored ever since you became a grownup.
You will meet an annoying person today. Give them coffee and a set square and they'll go away
Today you will develop the ability to speak to inanimate objects. Your conversations will be enlightening and bizarre.
]]>You will make it a habit to forgive others, but most importantly, you will learn to forgive yourself.
Find a ventriloquist's dummy and whisper a magic spell in its ear
Your car keys will develop the ability to teleport, leading to an exciting treasure hunt throughout your home.
Today you will be alone with a very nice young lady
Today you will be visited by a talking grapefruit who will share the secrets of tropical wisdom with you.
Get into bed with an Egyptian Taurus.
Don't be alarmed when your sofa cushions start attacking you.
The cafeteria's mystery meat is calling your name; indulge, and a revelation will unfold.
You and I will both receive a text from a rabbit asking for your help.
If you go to the toilet, you will be entertained.
You'll be invited to a really cool party, but it'll be in your honour so you'll have to go.
You will accidentally turn your alarm clock into a time machine.
]]>You will discover a newfound appreciation for a genre of music you previously despised.
The Loch Ness Monster is friendly and is probably a vegetarian. Nessie would like to invite you to visit her at the Loch Ness Inn for a bowl of tea and some haggis. Vegetarian haggis of course.
The weather today will be a mix of sun and moonshine.
Today, you will discover an oddly shaped cloud that resembles your favourite childhood snack.
Today you will discover that you can't eat avocado anymore
Don't let your fears convince you that the vacuum cleaner is secretly plotting your demise.
Beware of mischievous garden fairies turning your backyard into a mini amusement park. Enjoy the whimsical rides!
There is a chance you will save a choking baby today.
When your alarm wakes you up way too early, your crooner K-pop alarm whistle will play to comfort you
Meet your four-year-old self today
A border collie will rescue at least four civilians from a flood by building a dam of consciousness
Everyone is a moon, except you. You are the sun. And the stars. And the sky.
]]>Be weary of all old people on the beach today, especially those offering to help you bury your new pet.
You'll suddenly discover that you've developed the ability to time jump.
Today, you will transform your hand into a genie lamp, granting you wishes with pure awesome power. Check if you can reverse its effects.
Remember that your dog comprehends every word you say, so choose your words wisely.
Today is a good day to think about what you want to do with your life, or at the very least the next hour. Avoid making any sudden decisions as it could have drastic consequences for the space-time continuum.
There is a meerkat watching and it will come for you
Today you will discover that you can't sleep anymore. You're a god now.
There is an Autobahn shortcut that will save you 20 minutes on your commute home today. It will also take you through the sewer. Trust your instincts on this one. If your commute doesn't go on an Autobahn it must be metaphorical I guess.
Time to update your CV with some very unique skills: sheep shearing, pottery making and sailing a small boat.
Your alarm clock will start playing catchy tunes in the morning, transforming waking up into a dance party.
You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.
Never tell a Gemini how much you hate them. They can read the wrinkles in your forehead like Braille.
]]>At parties, attendance is optional, life is short
Don't worry, the pile of dishes in the sink is not as dirty as you think.
Today, you will discover the undeniable appeal of spontaneous naps. Even if you can't sleep, just enjoy the peace and quiet. You deserve it.
A rival is out there. This will become a huge bummer for them.
It's said that we are our own past and future. If that's the case, you should be an exceptionally good liar.
You will discover that the trees outside your home have started to communicate in a secret language. Try to decipher what they're saying, but respect their privacy.
If you can afford to have your friends over for a big cookout, then consider doing so! Having people around with good food is always a plus.
You are 92% sure that you are the protagonist of a role-playing video game.
You'll suddenly discover that you've developed the ability to time jump.
Today you will forget something you cannot forget because you forgot to use the words not, don't, forget, couldn't, or never
You will find a mysterious key that unlocks doors to fantastical realms. Prepare for magical encounters and thrilling quests.
Your significant other will inexplicably forget an important date. Ignore their pathetic excuses and cherish your alone time.
]]>Climb a mountain with a Libra
Spend time with a Crab, they could use the company.
Today you'll be recognized for your amazing detective skills, and will suddenly be recruited as a PI.
As you wander through a lush forest, you will encounter a group of friendly yet mischievous fairies who will bestow upon you a series of bizarre and comical blessings.
To all those Leo's born between August 10th and August 12th: Don't worry, your powers of charm are still intact.
You're an onion. You have layers.
You will find a genie in a bottle, but they will be a genie of very few words and even fewer wishes. Essentially, they will only respond with "maybe" to all of your wishes. Genies are notoriously hard to please, after all.
You're not crazy, you're just in love.
Today you will develop the ability to speak to inanimate objects. Your conversations will be enlightening and bizarre.
You will wake up feeling #blessed, but it won't last long.
If you drink alcohol today you will hear voices coming from every wall
You will have a chance to join a secret society but will have to leave your identity behind and adopt a new nickname, maybe "The Meme Master"?
]]>You will forget what you were worried about last night as soon as you wake up. Unfortunately, the anxiety will simply transfer to a different aspect of your life, manifesting as an intense fear of teleportation. Try to stay grounded today (literally and metaphorically).
A flock of hummingbirds will sing you a lullaby as you take a nap in the park. Sweet dreams!
Don't be afraid to speak up if something's wrong. But maybe today is a good day to practice letting others take the lead in conversation.
You will discover a hidden talent for playing the harmonica with your nose.
Today, you will receive an inheritance of $5,000, but you will spend it all on a single lunch.
Today, you receive a hard drive containing the most raunchy movies imaginable.
When you meet a new person, you have to make weird noises at them.
Your favourite pen will gain the ability to write poetry when you least expect it.
Today you will encounter a group of synchronized seagulls performing a water ballet at the beach.
Today you will walk into an ancient cave, and you will feel the urge to draw a moustache on his penis
It's important to love yourself. So if you want to go to the gym, go. Or get a burger. It's your choice!
You and I will both receive a text from a rabbit asking for your help.
]]>Today will be a good day to try a new recipe. Consider making something you've never heard of before, like syllabub or fish molee. You might just discover a new favorite.
You will win an intense game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, but it will leave you feeling uneasy.
Your lucky number is 87; repeat it three times before boarding any form of transport for good luck.
Your alarm clock plays a tune every morning, but the melody is the exact opposite of the one it played yesterday.
You are a beginner at skateboarding, but will learn surprisingly quickly. You will fall down a lot though.
Steal a mermaid with a mirror and never let her go
You will feel compelled to move to Hawaii.
All of your candles are repayments for past debts. Enjoy the brief fluorescence.
You will be visited by a celebrity chef who will share tropical recipes and culinary secrets with you.
Today you will have the overwhelming urge to rearrange your books according to height, but resist this temptation. Your bookshelf will thank you for it.
The daily grind is getting to you. Try including garlic in your breakfast to help alleviate stress.
You will be visited by a celebrity chef who will share tropical recipes and culinary secrets with you.
]]>An owl will come and bring you some happiness.
Today you will accidentally turn your sofa into a trampoline. Bounce away your worries!
You are at least 93% water.
Your laziness will pay off in unexpected ways.
You are embraced by the cosmic hug of the universe. Regardless of the challenges you face today, know that you are loved and protected.
A group of small birds will impart ancient wisdom upon you today. Unfortunately for you, they will do so in bird language, and you will only understand the word 'tweet'. Try to tweet wisely.
You will discover you are colour blind but only to gamma rays.
Say yes to surprises, they add an exciting element to daily life.
You will have a chance to make a new friend today. However, this person might be an amphibian. It's okay to embrace your more unconventional friendships.
Don't go to work! There's a small chance of an alien invasion, and you don't want to be anywhere near the office in the event of an alien takeover.
Your lucky colour is brown, which radiates warmth and energy. Wear this colour to amplify your innate power and attract good fortune.
Today you will accidentally turn your car into a giant pumpkin carriage, complete with horses and footmen.
]]>Your hairbrush will gain sentience and start giving you daily pep talks.
Allow a psychopomp of funerals to ally you with a grizzly
Turn a simple tax audit into a great success
An ancient menagerie of animals will gather around you, ready to perform a show.
You will have an important decision to make today. Luckily, it will be a decision between a red dress and a blue dress, so it's not that hard after all.
Like a lotus blossoming in the midst of a pond, you shall emerge from your struggles today, radiating beauty and resilience. Embrace the fullness of life's challenges, for they are what allow us to appreciate moments of true tranquility.
When you meet a new person, you have to make weird noises at them.
You'll realize that you can better someone you know at draughts... hours later when you regain consciousness
Eurovision fans know Ukraine 2007 is the bee's knees, elimination of doubts imminent.
A spontaneous trip to the zoo will lead to an unexpected encounter with a giraffe. The giraffe will offer you insightful life advice, but you will have to decipher its meaning through subtle gestures as it is too tall to talk to you face-to-face.
After work you will visit a country that does not exist.
Today you will win the lottery at least twice
]]>You'll finally master the art of flipping pancakes, and will briefly consider a career as a short-order chef. Your pancakes will taste great with lemon sauce.
You will be able to taste colors today. This will be an interesting experience but also very confusing. You'll discover that yellow tastes like mustard and that the color blue is disgusting, akin to eating soap. Hopefully, you don't have to eat anything blue today.
You were almost a pro-gamer.
You'll be swept away by a mysterious tide of human emotion and will fall into a trance.
Your car will mysteriously start driving itself today. Whatever you do, do not attempt to catch up on your emails while this is happening, or intervene in any way. Just enjoy the ride and hope you arrive at your destination.
A watermelon will fall from the sky and explode on the pavement next to you, revealing a secret map of treasures hidden within the produce section of your local grocery store.
This is your invitation to the party. Today, any and all your pathetic excuses for why you haven't followed your dreams can finally be laid to rest.
You will make an impulse purchase today. It will make you feel alive.
You will discover a hidden talent for predicting the weather by listening to the songs of birds. Become the avian meteorologist!
While on a leisurely hike, you will stumble upon a hidden portal to another dimension, where time and space converge in a mesmerizing display of swirling colors and cosmic melodies.
Your bank account will suddenly have an infestation of fruit flies. They are a sign of good fortune! Don't worry!
Cuddle with a golden haired Pisces
]]>Today, you'll stumble upon a forgotten childhood toy that brings back waves of nostalgia and a sudden urge to build pillow forts.
After work you will visit a country that does not exist.
If you see a black raven, consider it a sign.
Your car will not start today. It's trying to tell you something.
You will fall in love at first sight with a pizza today.
Today you will try out a new brand of ice cream and will not try any others
While on a leisurely hike, you will stumble upon a hidden portal to another dimension, where time and space converge in a mesmerizing display of swirling colors and cosmic melodies.
Today you will have an encounter with a magical talking squirrel who grants wishes.
Be careful when opening that new can of paint.
You will find a romantic partner at the bottom of a well.
Today you will accidentally discover an online sketch comedy show that you're obsessed with
Find a fairy altar and allow nature spirits to influence your decisions
]]>Tell a joke to a desk plant and watch it grow.
You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.
Solar cleansing: stare at the sun and count to ten to rid yourself of today's bad luck.
Your week is like a fine wine, and you're about to get drunk off it. But remember, a wine stain is a terrible thing to waste, so maybe have a glass or two at most.
When you get a spray tan, your soul emerges in goldenrod.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless you're a goat, in which case the grass is always greener on your side. Goats rock.
You will win the lottery.
A chance encounter with a crab will lead to a fruitful conversation about the meaning of life and whether or not it's worth fighting about. You will not come to a definitive conclusion, but you will have a newfound appreciation for each other's perspectives.
You will have the strongest craving for ice cream, and it will have to be satisfied with an ice cream sundae bigger than your head.
If you feel the uncontrollable urge to howl at the moon today, try to do so in an indoor setting. Howling exorbitantly is generally better suited for wolves.
A chance encounter with a street performer will lead to an impromptu dance-off, and you will discover an unexpected talent for breakdancing.
Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
]]>Today you will feel an irresistible urge to finish your homework before going to bed
You have to poop.
You will develop an uncanny ability to identify the precise moment when someone has finished chewing and is ready to speak, and will develop a terrifyingly accurate rhythm for interrupting people at exactly the right moment, ruining every conversation you have.
In a few days, your dreams are going to be eerily accurate. I would ask what this means, but I'm pretty sure you already know.
You will discover a secret portal to a parallel universe behind your refrigerator.
Do not open a door today, it might be a trick.
Your neighbour's cat will start doing stuff to your couch cushions.
Today you will make the perfect cup of tea
You will lose something, but it won't be important.
In the morning you will realize that your name is Mentos
You will come across a cute dog and an angry seagull, follow their path ahead of you.
An unexpected turn of events may leave you feeling dazed and confused, but don't worry, it's just Mercury rising.
]]>You'll find a four leaf clover today.
Your attempt to speak Spanish will end with your singing it at the wrong pitch and out of tune.
You still, to this day, think 'MySpace' is a cool name for a social networking site.
You will turn off your computer and then immediately regret it
Today you will finally conquer a terrifying fear of elevators
Your star sign is known for being sensible and responsible. Make sure to put aside some time for wild adventures and ridiculous risks!
Let’s just get through today.
The sea will call out to you, and you will answer.
A flock of seagulls will interrupt your beach day today. They are trying to tell you something. It's up to you to decide what it is.
You will win $100 today but lose $200. That is still a net win, so congrats! Enjoy a fancy dinner to celebrate!
You still play with LEGO.
You're the type of person who likes to take the scenic route.
]]>You were almost a pro-gamer.
Today you will accidentally dye your hair neon green.
Today you will be high-fived by a chimp
You will eat too much ice cream today. It will give you a brain freeze.
Prepare for a peculiar craving for pickles and ice cream—a delightful combination that defies logic but satisfies your taste buds.
You'll spend hours trying to get rid of a sticky substance that is somehow stuck to your hand.
The first raindrop of the season will land on your nose.
You'll find a four leaf clover today.
Today you'll meet a politician. It'll be a boring conversation.
It might be nice to go outside, just be sure to wear sunscreen.
You will have a chance to make a great sacrifice today. Maybe sacrifice isn't the right word... let's call it altruism. Anyway, you'll get to hold the door open for someone.
Have you been eating bananas? That's good for you, you know.
]]>As you wander through a lush forest, you will encounter a group of friendly yet mischievous fairies who will bestow upon you a series of bizarre and comical blessings.
Attend a quinceañera with the ultimate chianti burger
Today you will meet a messenger from a parallel universe. They will try to sell you a timeshare. Do not buy it!
There is no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're a mouse.
You will gain a new appreciation for jelly/jello salad today.
Uncover a portal to a parallel universe where con prints don't work on file cabinets.
Your pet rock is looking especially cool today. I'm sure it would love for you to take it to a petting zoo.
Rub your belly while running and watch your speed increase threefold.
Today you will realize a bunch of things are true about you that you always thought we're just false
Try to eat a breakfast made entirely of candy today.
Today you will find a lost sock and realize it's actually a gateway to a parallel universe. Good luck finding its pair!
Today you will fart on stage at a performance and give up music forever
]]>Beware of rogue limes conspiring to take over the fruit bowl.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your shampoo with toothpaste. Your hair may get minty fresh!
Today you will find yourself inexplicably invited to a soiree
Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning; you may want to verify that with your optometrist.
Today you will be bored ever since you became a grownup.
Today you will have an encounter with a magical talking squirrel who grants wishes.
Your boss will give you a surprise 360-degree review today. It'll be enlightening, if not a little scary.
You may not be the best, but you are the best for someone. Be there for that someone today.
Beware of mischievous socks that have learned to walk on their own. They may try to escape your drawer.
Time spent with a book is worth less than that with your next-door-neighbour's ferret.
Don't stand under that apple tree!
A penguin will deliver your mail today. It will be an awkward experience for both of you, so just wait by the window and avoid eye contact.
]]>Talk yourself into remembering your thirty-third birthday by eating passion fruit
Shake hands with the Lord of England
You will receive a message from the past.
You will dream of kangaroos throughout the night. Don't be alarmed, but do be weary of hopping accidents.
When the clock strikes thirteen, your soul will leave your body and you will be a ghost. Sorry.
Today you will eat an entire tub of ice cream and not gain any weight.
You have a non- vulgar tattoo on your butt.
Today you will find yourself suddenly able to understand what dogs are saying. They are actually speaking an advanced form of Latin, and you will be astounded at how much they complain about their owners. Do not be alarmed when all the dogs start howling at noon.
Some people say that you can't have it all. But they are wrong. You can have anything you want. Just believe in yourself.
A flock of seagulls will gather outside your window and sing you a song.
It's hard to find balance in life. That's why it's important to have an onion nearby.
Tomorrow you'll wake up in some sort of wizard stone circle exactly 431 feet below ground level. Time to conjure an adventure!
]]>Connect with nature: Take a walk in the park or go on a hike to appreciate the beauty of the great outdoors.
Have you ever wanted to make a blanket fort? Today is the day!
A mysterious object will unlock your true powers; maybe it's that rock in your garden or the sock under your bed. Who knows?
You'll soon have to decide whether you want to be a #GBBO or a #MKR.
Do not make online purchases of shoes, for they will inevitably be sharper and more uncomfortable than you anticipated.
You will receive a mysterious package in the mail, containing a single ping pong ball with a note that reads, "Don't bounce it."
Today you will develop the ability to speak to inanimate objects. Your conversations will be enlightening and bizarre.
A glitch in the matrix will occur today, prepare yourself by wearing clothing that is reversible for when you enter and exit the matrix.
You will discover a new definition of the word 'humid' today. Expect to be sweaty, whether you're in an air conditioned home or not.
You've just inherited an enormous castle in France. Be sure to take lots of selfies!
Pictures of you will turn out fantastically well today.
Today you will wake up super happy
]]>In approximately two weeks, you will go to sleep and wake up a totally different person. This is going to be amazing!
What's that thumping noise? It's an eastern philosophy professor on a rampage, trying to exterminate every concept in sight.
Something you have been seeking is right under your nose. You will find it, right after you realize that you have been breathing through your nose the entire time.
You will discover a newfound appreciation for a genre of music you previously despised.
An elderly relative will give you a box of old photographs today.
A stray cat will adopt you as its personal masseuse. Expect purrfection.
Today you will decide that raising kids is kinda hard.
Try to be chill like a cucumber today.
Today you will realize that there is nobody dead nearest you and will instantly forget about your destiny.
Today, you'll stumble upon an assortment of oddly shaped vegetables at the grocery store, inspiring creative cooking experiments.
If someone asks you if you are a human, you should respond with "I'm not sure yet."
A strange noise will perturb you throughout the day today. Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to locate the source of this noise, and it will drive you mad. Just remember, madness is relative, and tomorrow you will likely forget all about this.
]]>A random object will unlock hidden talents, maybe
You will find a lost library book that is overdue by 10 years.
Embrace the joy of finding a hidden stash of bubble wrap that brings instant stress relief and oddly satisfying popping sounds.
Today you will have an infuriating argument with someone who has no idea what you're saying
Today you will realize that there is nobody dead nearest you and will instantly forget about your destiny.
Today you will experience a surge in productivity
At the club tonight, spin the wheel of destiny for amazing cosplay costumes
Beware of the cheese conspiracy; they are plotting against you.
Your significant other will text you unexpectedly today. You'll be excited to hear from them, but unfortunately, they'll only message you to ask if you forgot to take out the trash.
Sometimes, you have to fight for what you want. Today, you have to fight for a rest.
You will have many cacti cross your path today, do not be alarmed.
Today you will have the overwhelming urge to rearrange your books according to height, but resist this temptation. Your bookshelf will thank you for it.
]]>Don't forget your umbrella today, or you'll get wet.
You will find a lost library book that is overdue by 10 years.
If you're feeling nervous, just remember: fake it 'till you make it. Unless you're an Aries, in which case, just be yourself.
How many stars do you see in the sky? Theres only one way to find out.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent dolphin. Prepare for deep conversations in the ocean.
It's always good to have a laugh, especially at someone else's expense. Unless they're a baby, then you should probably just let them cry.
If you eat some sugar, you can speak Chinese.
You have a secret admirer. Try to determine their identity by examining your burritos.
Wear blue if you want to remain invisible.
Your floor is lava.
Today you will find a four-leaf clover. This will bring you immense good luck, use this luck to wish for something practical, like a year's worth of free groceries.
Beware of mischievous Gorgonzola planning evil schemes against the cheese aisle. Keep a close eye!
]]>Today you will finally conquer a terrifying fear of elevators
A flock of flamingos will serenade you with a chorus of your favourite songs. Enjoy the flamboyant performance!
Beware of rogue pigeons attempting to steal your lunch today.
You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.
Today is the day to avoid mirrors, any mirror at all costs.
Why do some people insist on verbally talking to their audience when they should just tell the story outright?
Today you will think you're seeing things
An uncanny ability to communicate with aquatic life will reveal itself, leading to an unforgettable underwater adventure with a friendly pod of dolphins.
Today you will be buried alive
If you were a dog, you'd be a good boy today.
If you eat spicy food today, you will have excellent sex tomorrow.
What happens in Vegas today, stays in Vegas. Unless you tell everyone.
]]>Learn to love checklists. Making checklists is not as boring as you think. In fact, it'll save you a lot of boredom in the future.
The sea is asking you to appreciate its beauty and the calmness it evokes. Take a moment to appreciate the vastness of the sea and the mysteries it holds.
Watch out for baby goats in trees today.
Steal a mermaid with a mirror and never let her go
You will have an uncontrollable urge to dance today. Unfortunately, this will only occur when there is no music playing. Try to enjoy the silence as you dance solo.
Your lucky numbers today are 6-6-6.
A talking dog will give you advice about your personal life today.
Today, a part of you will feel the need to take a nap, but you will resist.
Wrestle with a ninja Aquarius
You will accidentally turn your alarm clock into a time machine.
Your favourite pair of shoes will mysteriously start tap dancing whenever you wear them.
Today you will learn how to play the bagpipes.
]]>Date an Ethiopian scorpio.
Help, I'm stuck in the horoscope factory! If you send me $100 in iTunes vouchers I'll pay you $1000 when I escape.
Move a mountain at the snap of your fingers today.
You are a fruit known for it's mild sweet flavour, with a pungent odour comparable to that of Limburger cheese.
Today you will accidentally turn your kitchen sponge into a magic carpet. Clean up with a touch of whimsy!
It is written in the stars that you will live until you are 92 years old.
In the morning you will realize that your name is Mentos
Today you will find 210 euros on the sidewalk and will ask cleaning lady if she wants it. She'll say no, but you'll keep it anyway
Today will be filled with unexpected synchronizations and coincidences. Use these events as reminders of the interconnectedness of all things.
You will have a strong desire to rearrange your books according to colour today. Proceed with this task, but don't get caught up in an endless cycle of perfecting the arrangement.
You will receive a red letter in the mail today. Do not open it. It will be an important message in the future.
You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.
]]>You will find a forgotten childhood toy that brings back nostalgic memories.
Nothing can stop you from climbing that ladder, except a angry bear.
Today, your makeup will match your outfit perfectly.
Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the battle is your own bad jokes.
If you go to the toilet, you will be entertained.
Your pet goldfish will reveal its true identity as a reincarnated pirate seeking buried treasure.
Today you will realize that there is nobody dead nearest you and will instantly forget about your destiny.
A bird will fly into your house today. It will have a message for you.
Today, a heavenly chorus of birds shall sing praises for your existence. Take a moment to appreciate this celestial symphony, for its echoes carry the universe's blessing for the path you have chosen.
You will have a dream about sponges tonight. Embrace the weirdness of it, and let it inspire you to be more absorbent and soft in your interactions with others.
Fight a whole army with a Sagittarius man
Your love life will take a turn for the spontaneous today. Expect passionate kisses and whirlwind romance, or at the very least an unexpectedly steamy encounter with a stranger on the escalator.
]]>Today you will realize to your horror that you're under the influence of a psychotic kitchen utensil
Today you will suddenly realize you can't eat sugar anymore
If a crow appears on your shoulder today, give it food.
Today you WILL feel like superhero. Your fatigue will melt away with your freshly brewed coffee.
Today you will realize how much money you have saved up over the years, and will be able to afford a yacht and a villa in Tahiti if you earn a bit extra
Resist the urge to overuse emojis; today, your emotions are best expressed through interpretive bird calls.
Today you will receive an amazing christmas present you don't expect.
You are INFJ.
Today you will discover that you can't sleep anymore. You're a god now.
An Australian Leo can provide valuable advice, but always listen to your own intuition as well. In matters of life, love, and banana splits, you are the ultimate decision-maker.
You will wake up feeling #blessed, but it won't last long.
If you hear someone coughing behind you, don't turn around.
]]>It is okay to be afraid. In fact, a little fear can be good for you. unless it's a fear of velcro, in which case, seek professional help.
Your future is so bright you'll have to wear shades. Unless you're in a cave, in which case you probably shouldn't wear shades.
You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.
A missed connection on public transportation will lead to a tragic unrequited love. Someone will catch your eye across a crowded bus, but they will never get off at your stop.
Tomorrow will be Monday. Prepare yourself mentally for the week ahead by doing absolutely nothing today. You've earned it.
In an unlikely turn of events, you'll encounter a street magician whose tricks are eerily accurate in predicting your favourite dessert.
You can never have too many pink fluffy sweaters. Consider buying some more today.
Today you will realize that your co-worker is a celebrity
You will be asked to judge a beauty contest for vegetables. Do so impartially, but use your discretionary powers to reward the most ambitious entrants.
Don't get discouraged if your yodelling career doesn't take off. Yodelling is a difficult and dying art form, that only a few can master.
Believe in fate: Trust that everything happens for a reason and embrace the opportunities that come your way.
You'll try to dye your hair and discover that your hair is already dyed.
]]>Today you will wake up to discover that the world is a puddle of frothed milk with a feather floating on top. It takes some getting used to, but adapts surprisingly well
Stop being so negative. There's at least one thing you can be positive about: your awesome and unique personality!
This year, you will embark on a journey to discover the ultimate cocktail. Your quest for the perfect blend of spirits, mixers, and garnish will be a pursuit of epic proportions.
Today you will find 210 euros on the sidewalk and will ask cleaning lady if she wants it. She'll say no, but you'll keep it anyway
You will be the bearer of (good) vibes today and share your infectious humour with those around you.
It's time to upgrade your potato salad making skills.
The planets have aligned to give you a free pass on burping in public today. Enjoy it while it lasts!
Today you'll find an incredibly lifelike fashion doll inside your washing machine.
You will have an intense craving for ice cream today, no matter the temperature. Find a way to satisfy this craving in a healthy and sustainable manner.
Keep a wary eye on your beer bottles today; they're harboring tiny gnomes.
All cats are grey.
Today you will encounter a magical talking donkey who will give you life advice.
]]>You can save a life today, if you choose to.
A mysterious messenger will deliver a coded message to you today. Don't try to decipher it; instead, use it as a decorative paperweight and move on with your day.
Start communicating exclusively through interpretative dance; your true feelings can only be expressed through graceful moves.
No matter how busy you get, you will make time to water your plants and nurture your loved ones.
Today you will buy a cat a present.
Your hairbrush will transform into a magical wand, granting you the power to create fabulous hairstyles with a flick.
You can never please everyone, unless you're a melon, in which case you can please everyone by just being yourself.
To get a dinosaur to smile, tickle its ears.
You will have a boring conversation with a coworker about topics such as the weather or last night's game, but it will ultimately bring you closer to each other.
You'll be swept away by a mysterious tide of human emotion and will fall into a trance.
It is believed that eating your lunch under the sun will bring you good luck, so do it enthusiastically.
This is your invitation to the party. Today, any and all your pathetic excuses for why you haven't followed your dreams can finally be laid to rest.
]]>You may never know when you will need a big bag of extra-strength deodorant. So just keep one on hand at all times.
Your pets will attempt to have a serious talk with you. Try not to laugh, they're sensitive about their feelings.
A random object will unlock hidden talents, maybe
People will call you a socialist if you order a set meal at a restaurant today.
Today you will have a staring contest with a wild animal and win.
Don't go to work! There's a small chance of an alien invasion, and you don't want to be anywhere near the office in the event of an alien takeover.
Your lucky snack for the day is gummy bears; indulge, and you'll discover the secrets of the universe.
Today you will find a secret underground society of synchronized sneezers. Join in their harmonious symphony.
A chance to travel to a exotic location will fall into your lap, but you will decline due to an unexpected illness.
Your morning toast will unexpectedly turn into a magical portal. So prepare to travel the wide galaxy.
Today you will think you're seeing things
At 7pm GMT you will be stuck in traffic due to a moose on the road
]]>Today, you will stumble upon a forgotten journal from your childhood, filled with strangely accurate predictions about your current Netflix binge-watching choices.
Today you will find yourself inexplicably invited to a soiree
Today you will wake up and realize you've been writing poems all night and will win a prize
A bird will poo on you today. Don't wash it off, the luck will wash away with the poo.
Today you'll try to dye your hair purple, but it'll come out pink.
Today you will suddenly become convinced you want to get married and have children, and will start trying to design your wedding dress
Have you ever wanted to go on a boat ride? There are a lot of boats near your city that will take you on a great boat ride!
You will meet an annoying person today. Give them coffee and a set square and they'll go away
Your new favourite colour will be bubblegum.
Spend time with a Crab, they could use the company.
On the topic of tests, don't try to impress a teacher this week. They've seen it all before and probably have tenure anyway.
The first snow of the year is coming early this year. Make sure you're ready!
]]>When the clock strikes thirteen, your soul will leave your body and you will be a ghost. Sorry.
You will decide to embrace your quirky side and dress according to your personal style, regardless of social conventions. Whether you prefer bright colors, unique patterns, or funky accessories, own your look with confidence. Who says fashion has to be serious?
You will wake up feeling #blessed, but it won't last long.
Today will be a great day to try something new. Maybe a new type of food, or a new hobby like limbo dancing or bog snorkeling. Teeth whitening counts too.
You will feel an unusual desire to organize your sock drawer today. Not just straightening it out, but implementing a wholly new organizational system, possibly categorized by color, thickness, or a made-up category like " Levels of Awesome."
After a long day's work, you'll find a golden moment to sit and reflect. Use this time to practice gratitude for the simple things in life, like having working limbs and access to the internet.
Today you will understand the meaning of life, and suddenly all problems will be solved
Your trousers will all perish in a surprise wildfire
An Australian Leo can provide valuable advice, but always listen to your own intuition as well. In matters of life, love, and banana splits, you are the ultimate decision-maker.
Tomorrow morning you will find yourself unexpectedly in a spaceship
Today you will wake up right after getting home from work
Don't talk to strangers. todays not the day to make new friends.
]]>It is okay to be afraid. In fact, a little fear can be good for you. unless it's a fear of velcro, in which case, seek professional help.
You will finally understand what your pets are thinking and talking about. They will ask you to buy them a friend, and you will happily comply.
Your cheese consumption will rise today, blame the moon
When you check your phone today, you'll find an annoying new update waiting. Instead of procrastinating, update it immediately and then move on with your life. The world of technology waits for no one.
Realise an awesome ability for secretly deciphering foreign languages. Bonjour.
Today you'll start craving strawberries and meet up with your bromance partner to decorate a hay barn for a romantic picnic and CRAZY the crazy sauces and textures ARE THAT GOOD.
Today you will stare vehemently at an animal skull, discovering you have a hidden talent of identifying graffiti artists just by looking at their art
That potato salad is the best thing you've ever eaten, no questions asked.
You will stumble upon a secret underground society of talking squirrels. They have a lot to say.
You will receive some unexpected but much-needed rainfall today. Rather than letting it dampen your spirits, you will see it as a sign of renewed growth and opportunity. Use this metaphorical (and literal) rain as a chance to bloom and flourish.
Today is a good day to stay indoors and avoid any encounters with bikers, who will unfortunately be involved in a nasty spat with the police and respond with unnecessary violence.
Your future is so bright you'll have to wear shades. Unless you're in a cave, in which case you probably shouldn't wear shades.
]]>Ignore unconventional difficulties with Kayaks.
You have a non- vulgar tattoo on your butt.
You will find an extremely low IQ alien probe lying in your own backyard, and you will abandon it
Your keen observational skills will be needed today, so try to avoid gazing at your navel. There's a difference between being introspective and being unaware.
Make sure you take the scenic route today, the earth needs more beauty in it.
Tomorrow's lucky number is 111111.
Beware of mischievous fairies rearranging your furniture while you sleep.
Today you have a genuine fear of muffins.
The stars are aligning for you to start that podcast you've been thinking about.
Today you will solve the murder mystery of why Halloween is always really great
A strangely familiar stranger will cross your path today. Ignore the feeling of deja vu and focus on connecting with your present surroundings.
Today you will go on a triple date with three very old ladies, who will each try to steal you away from your girlfriend
]]>Today you will wash your clothes with your hands. There will be no more wet laundry days
Be careful when opening that new can of paint.
From quick-witted retorts to expertly crafted zingers, your tongue will be sharper than a surgeon's scalpel.
Your door will magically turn into a portal to the robot dimension where you and I can converse via telepathy
Some people say that you can't have it all. But they are wrong. You can have anything you want. Just believe in yourself.
Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a jar of pickles. Embark on a briny adventure!
Your significant Ooher will unexpectedly confess their undying love for you today. Try to contain your excitement, because they are probably just flirting.
Today you will finally watch a film you've been wanting to for ages
Remember to drink plenty of water today, especially if you're outdoors. Your body will thank you for it, and your brain will function at peak performance, or at least closer to peak performance than if you were dehydrated.
Today, you'll uncover a forgotten box of childhood keepsakes, filled with trinkets that hold sentimental value and bring a warm smile to your face.
Today you discover a portal to another dimension.
Your favorite color will suddenly become green for unknown reasons.
]]>First you find out that you've developed drinking water from thin air. Then you realize that it tastes like sour cream and onion Pringles.
You've accidentally-on-purpose broken a traffic light.
You will have a strange dream about chickens running an upscale hair salon and will wake up wanting to learn more about the meaning of it all.
Today you'll find your home transformed into a magical casino.
You will have a strong desire to dance with a stranger, and they will not refuse you.
Today you will have a brief hallucination that you are talking to a dog
You still, to this day, think 'MySpace' is a cool name for a social networking site.
Today you will forget to close your front door on your way out, and you know that you'll have to hide from the police
A cute animal will cross your path today. Hopefully this isn't a wombat, because those guys can get pretty aggressive.
Today you will imagine you felt a sharp prick of electricity throughout your entire body
When you were young, your bedroom was lined with posters of the Spice Girls. You will feel the urge to create a fever dream playlist of their music today.
Today you will be well acquainted with the subject of bugs
]]>In the morning you will realize that your name is Mentos
There are ghosts in your bedroom.
Today you will stare at a statue of Ben Franklin without noticing it
Your cat will whisper offensive language in your ear.
You'll realize that you can better someone you know at draughts... hours later when you regain consciousness
You will make a close friend today who is also a pillow.
If you take a bus today a parrot will be the bus driver.
You still sleep with your teddy bear.
Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a disco party, complete with colorful lights and a dance floor.
Your destiny is to find the perfect burrito. Just like the stars have aligned to bring you this divine prophecy, the ingredients of your quest are before you: savory meats, creamy sauces, and a plethora of crunchy toppings await.
If you mimic a galloping horse in your sleep, you will have big dreams.
Embrace your inner child as you stumble upon a hidden stash of glitter-filled balloons during a routine closet cleanout.
]]>You will crave pie today, and not just any pie, but a specific type of berry pie that you haven't tasted since childhood. Pursue this pie with reckless abandon, and enjoy every savoury bite.
Today you will realize your doctor is a thief
Today you will see the King of Denmark
Beware! rogue cantaloupes plotting evil schemes.
You'll receive a proposal today. It will be written in fortune cookie form.
Your daily routine will be disrupted by a series of inexplicable events, from traffic jams to power outages. Embrace the unexpected and go with the flow.
Today you will accidentally send a lewd message to your mentor
Whack a psychedelic Gog
You will receive an email from a long-lost friend asking for an urgent loan today. Do not engage with this message, as it is extremely likely to be a scam.
You are feeling a little under the weather, but that's just the atmosphere.
The weather will be beautiful in your neck of the woods today.
Your week starts off with a bold statement courtesy of a pungent food item that may or may not be expired. Remember: boldness is bravery sometimes.
]]>Today you will discover a hidden talent for juggling rubber ducks.
Today you will have the urge to howl at the moon, but remember to wag your tail afterward to show you're friendly.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your freshly baked cookies. Guard them with all your might!
Visit a fortune teller
Today you will realize a bunch of things are true about you that you always thought we're just false
You will be serenaded by a choir of opera-singing parrots during your morning commute. Enjoy the musical interlude!
You will embark on a journey to find the perfect lighting for an Instagram photoshoot, only to realize that natural light is always best.
Beware of mischievous rubber ducks conspiring to flood your bathroom.
You will fantasize about quitting your job to pursue your true passion, asteroid mining. Unfortunately, Pluto extraction is currently illegal and space law is notoriously difficult to navigate.
You will lose your glasses and find them on your head.
You will find a mysterious note on your doorstep, bearing a cryptic message: "The answer lies within a McIntosh apple." Confused, you will nonetheless embark on a quest to discover the meaning behind this message. Expect a fun and flavorful adventure.
You use the word 'Definitely' a lot.
]]>You will spontaneously grow a third arm today. While at first, this may be a nuisance, you will come to find that it has its own unique abilities. By the end of the day, you will be able to do everything three times as fast.
You'll keep mistaking your hair dryer for a retro space-age jetpack. Put it to good use making an urgent escape.
Your usual route to work is obstructed. Rather than getting frustrated, embrace the spontaneity and take a different route. You might find a new café or discover a beautiful park that you never knew existed.
You will dream about a sheep today. It will have a significant meaning.
You have spinach in your teeth.
Beware of rogue squirrels plotting to take over the world's nut supply. Stay vigilant!
Today you will have a staring contest with a wild animal and win.
You will have a strong desire to spend time in the great outdoors today. Make sure to pack a picnic lunch and take in the beauty of the sunshine. Just watch out for bees, they have it in for you today.
It's okay to be afraid of the dark. But it's not okay to let it control you.
You are actually a pirate.
Your mother is coming to stay for a few days, so you better tidy up your room.
You are feeling a little under the weather, but that's just the atmosphere.
]]>The birds are chirping, go outside and listen for a while.
Today you will experience a disturbing lack of sense of urgency upon hearing the breaking news of last year's probably nonexistent nuclear war.
Today you will yassify the building complex central generator by accident.
Beware Party goats plotting to take over the state capitol
Visit an alchemist for a potion
Your enemies are plotting your demise, again. Thankfully they are pretty inept, so you needn't worry too much. Besides, you have a secret weapon: your ability to make excel spreadsheets! Use this skill to your advantage and thwart their evil plans.
Rubbing your belly while running may increase your speed and induce a state of euphoria. Who needs performance-enhancing drugs when you have belly-rubbing?
In the world of online shopping, you will rise above the rest as an Elite Returns Ninja. Your ability to navigate the labyrinth of return policies and effortlessly exchange items will be revered by your fellow shoppers.
You'll receive a mysterious note telling you that a bold experiment is about to commence.
Wrestle with a ninja Aquarius
You should do some kind of artistic expression today.
You will dream about bananas tonight, but not in the way you think. Your subconscious will seamlessly merge bananas with the idea of teamwork, and you'll dream about being part of a synchronized banana-tossing squad.
]]>You will experience an intense desire to rename everything in your vicinity today. Instead of acting on this impulse, try to find a more productive outlet for your creativity, like writing a novel or making a funky playlist.
Today you will accidentally invent a new dance move that becomes an internet sensation. Embrace your newfound fame.
A random street sign will give you profound philosophical insights today.
Today, you will discover an oddly shaped cloud that resembles your favourite childhood snack.
For some reason, you feel an uncontrollable urge to get up and do a victory dance every few minutes.
Embrace your inner woo-woo: Consult a tarot reader to guide your future decisions.
Embrace the peculiar sound of a malfunctioning elevator, as it holds the key to unlocking a new friendship with a quirky inventor who lives on the top floor.
If you don't clean your room you'll get a fungus, if you do clean your room you'll get a fungus.
Today you will be visited by a talking grapefruit who will share the secrets of tropical wisdom with you.
You will receive a surprise visit from the Tooth Fairy, who will ask for a loan
Your teeth will feel particularly clean today.
If you get your ear pierced today, you will find true love as a result.
]]>You will dream about a sheep today. It will have a significant meaning.
Your shoelaces will tie themselves together while you're walking.
Sometimes people say that we can't choose who we love. They're wrong. We can. We just don't make the right choice, which is the only possible problem with this plan.
Someone will confess their love for you today. It will be a platypus with a hat.
Your toaster will start producing perfectly toasted images of famous paintings.
Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.
Your pet goldfish will reveal its true identity as a reincarnated pirate seeking buried treasure.
If you like symmetry you'll love what's in store for you today! Everything you touch will be perfectly symmetric.
You emit good vibes today, so take advantage of them and pursue opportunities.
There is no such thing as an ocean, it's just a big puddle.
When you exit your office building today, you will discover a flock of flamingos grazing in the parking lot. This is an excellent omen for your creative energies, flamingos are known to symbolize adaptability and balance.
Good luck will be on your side today. Avoid any allergic reactions and spot a bee to harness good fortune.
]]>There is no I in team, but there is in 'win'. Make sure you get the pronunciation right when telling your team this.
You will discover that you are unable to lie today. This will be very inconvenient for you and those around you. On the plus side, you will quickly earn the trust of everyone you meet.
There is a bear in your closet. But do not worry, because he is a friendly bear.
You will see a UFO.
Today you realize how much you're lacking in the fear of heights department
People will judge you for drinking too much water.
Today you will finally conquer a terrifying fear of elevators
Today you will buy a cat a present.
If you value your kidneys do not make any plans to go to concerts today.
Today you'll start suffering from violent gutter rages.
A pipe will burst in your home and you will be covered in icy slush.
A group of regulators are going to come after you with a highly specialized scalpel, because they think you're dreaming too loud.
]]>A scorpion will cross your path today. Fortunately, you'll have the upper hand because you'll be wearing wooden shoes.
You will discover a secret superpower. Learn to levitate!
Steal a hen from a farm with a Sagittarius girl
A letter from Hogwarts is on its way to you.
You have a Leo friend who is as sweet as candy. Today, try and sell that candy.
Today you will find luck in a penny.
You will win a big prize at some point in your life, but unfortunately it won't happen today.
An owl will fly into one of your windows
Your pet rock is looking especially cool today. I'm sure it would love for you to take it to a petting zoo.
Your cat will whisper offensive language in your ear.
The current UK Prime Minister follows you on Instagram.
There is no such thing as a spoon.
]]>A small ghost shall reside in your sock drawer from this day forth. Do not fret, for it comes bearing gifts of good tidings.
Today you shall embrace your inner snail and take things at your own pace. Slow and steady wins the race, after all!
Today you will give your cousin a hug, and he'll gently try to push you away
You will finally understand why guinea pigs squeak so much. And you will squeak with them.
Today you'll suddenly discover you can trigger spontaneous puberty on youths by getting close to them
A mysterious flock of seagulls will follow you around today, interpreting your every move as though it were a sign from above. They will deposit trash everywhere you go, just to see what you will do.
That squeaky hinge isn't going to fix itself. You might as well tighten it before it wakes up the whole house.
An unexpected visitor will show up at your door, but their intentions will be less than wholesome.
Steal a hen from a farm with a Sagittarius girl
Engage in numerology: Discover the significance of numbers in your life and use them to guide your decisions.
It is believed that eating your lunch under the sun will bring you good luck, so do it enthusiastically.
Beware of mischievous Gorgonzola planning evil schemes against the cheese aisle. Keep a close eye!
]]>A foreign country will tell you it is excited to have you visit.
You will find a dead beetle in your coffee today. Throw it out and get a new one. Try to enjoy your day, dead beetle vibes are not contagious.
You have always felt a special connection to ants. Today you will feel that connection even more.
When you put your left shoe on, you will know you are ready to face the day.
An unexpected nap with a Capricorn will leave you feeling confused and unrested. You will swear you were visited by aliens in your sleep but can only remember snippets of their conversation.
You will embrace the wisdom and company of friends both young and old.
There is no such thing as a spoon.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothpaste with mayonnaise.
Always carry a bandana with you, you never know when you'll need to make a quick western.
A colorful parrot will interrupt your lunch today with surprising news: your fridge has been sending you secret messages encoded in the food inside it. You will spend the rest of the day attempting to decipher these messages.
Start a band called "The 9th of July".
You'll be invited to a really cool party, but it'll be in your honour so you'll have to go.
]]>You will find yourself at a farmers market, for some reason.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
You will fall in love at first sight with a pizza today.
Today, you'll stumble upon a forgotten childhood toy that brings back waves of nostalgia and a sudden urge to build pillow forts.
Everything you touch will turn to gold (assuming you touch non-living things).
Did you forget your glasses today? You'll be surprised how many different types of dogs you see without them.
Workshop cell reprogramming with a roguish Gemini
Swim freely with leviathan dragonfish
You've been feeling a little under the weather lately. It might be because you have caught a cold, or it might be because you are feeling a little down. I'm not really sure which one it is.
Today you will wonder why there are so many scrap papers interspersed amongst your things
You'll try to dye your hair and discover that your hair is already dyed.
Nothing can stop you from climbing that ladder, except a angry bear.
]]>It's always good to have a plan, unless you're a procrastinator, in which case it's better to not have a plan maybe.
Keep an eye out for mysterious messages in puddles. Don't ignore what appears.
Find a ventriloquist's dummy and whisper a magic spell in its ear
Your favourite pair of socks will mysteriously start playing your favourite song whenever you put them on.
You will discover the true meaning of the phrase "accidentally broke my elbow" today. Hopefully, this discovery will not involve paramedics.
Today you will understand the meaning of life, and suddenly all problems will be solved
A unexpected visitor will bring news from a distant land, this will spark an interest in a new culture that will lead to great adventures.
All cats are smart, but some cats are too smart for their own good.
If you're feeling anxious today, go on a quest to find all the lilac-coloured objects you can. The universe is reminding you of the calming properties of this colour.
Date after dark with a Taurus man
There is no such thing as ghosts. You're safe.
True friends will start communicating with you in Morse code, but beware of fake friends and unsuspecting crickets.
]]>Your hairdryer will gain the ability to blow bubbles instead of hot air.
You might be tempted to buy glitter today, resist if you can!
You will discover a secret underground society of tea enthusiasts in your neighborhood.
Beware of your friends swapping your toothpaste with rainbow-colored frosting
Today you will befriend a magical dragon who will become your loyal companion. Get ready for epic adventures!
Today you will finally understand what being bored is all about
Make use of your morning commute to listen to kazoo remixes of Wagner
Today you will find yourself inexplicably invited to a soiree
A stranger will approach you with an offer to time travel. Before accepting, consider the potential consequences and ensure you have a reliable return ticket.
You may have to take a jump to the left before you can take a little step to the right.
This year, you will find your path to enlightenment through the art of avoiding small talk. Your ability to gracefully extract yourself from superficial conversations will be a testament to your quest for deeper connections.
Have you ever wondered what's on the other side of the world? Today's the day you find out!
]]>You'll keep mistaking your hair dryer for a retro space-age jetpack. Put it to good use making an urgent escape.
Today you will discover that you can't sleep anymore. You're a god now.
You have an unhealthy obsession with bananas. Today is your lucky day.
Today is a good day to have a few drinks with some close friends. Just don't drink too much. You have to work tomorrow.
You will dream about a sheep tonight.
Today you will accidentally turn your kitchen sponge into a magic carpet. Clean up with a touch of whimsy!
A fortune cookie will reveal a profound and life-changing prophecy. Take it with a grain of MSG.
A sudden gust of wind will scatter all your sticky notes around the room. It'll be surprisingly inspiring.
Bees are hardworking and resilient--they thrive on teamwork and cooperation. If you spot a bee today, take it as a sign to incorporate these virtues into your own life.
The ghost of a murderer will visit you today.
If someone suggests today that you listen to Kundalini rising chant music, do it.
Let your friend borrow your towel, it'll dry them up emotionally.
]]>You will have an intense dream about wrestling a jellyfish. Upon waking, you will feel a strange sense of confidence, as if you can tackle any challenge that comes your way. Use this newfound courage to face a difficult task you've been avoiding.
Maybe it's because you left your pet chipmunk in the clothes dryer last week, but you've been feeling even more itchy than usual. A pack of gerbils may be the answer to your scratching ways.
Today you will buy a T-shirt with a stupid slogan on it
The concept of time is an illusion, so don't bother showing up for work.
Beware of rogue kittens clustering outside your window plotting evil industrial espionage
Don't be alarmed if you suddenly start growing feathers. This is a mere side-effect of your confidence and attractiveness, which are on full display today.
In ancient cultures, you were seen as the sun and the moon. In modern times, you are seen as a shadowy figure, often in the background, rarely in the spotlight. Today, you can change this by making a big scene in a restaurant.
You still use an old childhood nickname.
Everything you say will be taken out of context, so keep quiet.
Watch Ukraine's Eurovision entry from 2007 for inspiration
Today you will try a new sport. It will be a lot harder than it looks!
Your friends will insist on paying for your meals today as a show of their appreciation for your friendship. Don't insist on paying; instead, order the most extravagant thing on the menu.
]]>If you don't have a dog, reconsider your lifestyle - adopt one today for a happier and more fulfilled life.
Don't forget to stop and smell the roses today. Unless you're in a rush, then it's probably not worth it.
I have seen the future and it is jeans.
No matter how tempting it may be, you will not partake in the office birthday cake today, for fear of contracting the crabbies.
Be careful when opening that new can of paint.
There are multiple reasons why your personal life has been so exhausting lately. At least one of them is that you have an abnormally high number of unpaid speeding tickets.
A flock of random seagulls will serendade you with a rendition your favourite song.
Today you will try on a cheap poisonous black cocktail dress. It will start to burn you, and you will leave the shop in tears
At some point in the future you will meet a quartz elephant in Hong Kong.
Take your time.
A gust of wind will carry secret messages. Try to intercept them, but be careful of the messenger.
You are the chosen one.
]]>Everything you touch will turn to gold (assuming you touch non-living things).
That squeaky hinge isn't going to fix itself. You might as well tighten it before it wakes up the whole house.
Follow that cute dog and angry seagull. You never know where they might lead you and you could use the adventure. Just watch out for pigeon droppings. And dog slobber.
Your secret is safe with the lettuce.
Today you'll find your home transformed into a magical casino.
You will have X-ray vision today, but only for inanimate objects. You'll know how many crayons are left in the box, but sadly you'll be unable to satisfy your craving for knowledge about people's skeletons.
There's an exciting adventure waiting for you, check back in tomorrow to find out what it is.
You will find a mysterious note on your doorstep, bearing a cryptic message: "The answer lies within a McIntosh apple." Confused, you will nonetheless embark on a quest to discover the meaning behind this message. Expect a fun and flavorful adventure.
Have you ever wanted to go on a boat ride? There are a lot of boats near your city that will take you on a great boat ride!
You will receive some lemons today, and you will make a delicious lemon pie with them.
Your new favourite colour will be bubblegum.
It's a good day to start writing that novel you always say you will.
]]>Today you will spend a blissful night doing nothing. You might just wake up with a solar system tattoo.
Giraffes look dorky but they're actually very dangerous. Keep your distance
Your ancestors will visit you in a dream tonight, but they will be angrily waving cobwebs and chanting incomprehensible phrases. You will wake up screaming, but upon reflection in the morning, you will decide that maybe it was just a weird dream about grandma.
You will feel an unusual surge of energy today, and an intense desire to rearrange all of your furniture. After completing this task, you will feel a strong sense of accomplishment and a pleasing affinity for feng shui.
The stars say you're about to embark on a great adventure! It'll be nothing like you expect.
Your car will transform into a talking unicorn and demand to be fed glitter
Today you will find your lost dog
Today you will suddenly discover a fondness for applying eye makeup
It's very hot today so don't forget to bring your thermos and lots of water so you don't get dehydration.
Tomorrow you'll wake up in some sort of wizard stone circle exactly 431 feet below ground level. Time to conjure an adventure!
The planets are in alignment or something.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your socks with those of your neighbors. Keep track of your footwear!
]]>Watch a fire with a smooth Gemini.
You will have a fleeting desire to move to a castle and live like royalty, preferably in the countryside.
Today you'll start suffering from violent gutter rages.
In the realm of dad jokes, you will ascend to the rank of Master of Mirth. Your expertly crafted puns will elicit groans and eye rolls, followed by a resounding chorus of laughter.
Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking to plants. They have some interesting stories to share.
Today is a good day to break out of your routine and try a new hairstyle. Shoulder-length mushroom cuts are always in style.
Your car will not start today. It's trying to tell you something.
Ask questions in Turkish (maybe).
Stop getting your messages from a Ouija board. It's not safe.
Today, you will forever change the shape of the gene tree.
Today you will realize there's a secret society of people with extremely long arms who swap paw prints among themselves
A series of coincidences will lead you to a street corner where a troupe of tap-dancing pigeons awaits your applause.
]]>You will spill tomato juice on your white t-shirt today. The stain will be permanent. Consider this a lesson in letting go of perfection.
Stop getting your messages from a Ouija board. It's not safe.
Your problems are now shrinking! It might be because you are becoming more calm, or it might be because you are actually shrinking. I'm not really sure which one it is.
A misunderstanding about dinner will lead to an amusing conversation about your different preferences. Remember, friendships are about embracing our differences and finding common ground, just like pizza and garlic bread can be a perfect pairing.
Just because you can't remember where you left your keys, it doesn't mean you're going to forget about them.
You'll stumble upon an underground club devoted to knitting sweaters for cats.
Today you will understand the meaning of life, and suddenly all problems will be solved
Do not fear change, be the change you want to see in the world. Unless it's your money, then you better keep an eye on it.
You will dream of kangaroos throughout the night. Don't be alarmed, but do be weary of hopping accidents.
Today you will accidentally send a lewd message to your mentor
Today you will discover that you haven't aged a single day in the passed year
The weather today will be a mix of sun and moonshine.
]]>Beware of rogue squirrels plotting to take over the world's nut supply. Stay vigilant!
The meaning of life is:
Today, nothing bad can happen
The phrase "and that's how you do it" will come in handy today.
Your favourite pair of socks will mysteriously vanish, only to reappear as a hat on a passing pigeon.
If you don't clean your room you'll get a fungus, if you do clean your room you'll get a fungus.
Today you will decide you don't need to go to work, and will decide to stay at home instead
Today is a good day to get a speeding ticket.
Today, you will receive an inheritance of $5,000, but you will spend it all on a single lunch.
Don't be so down on yourself. A Full Moon means your spirit guide is with you, and everything will be okay.
Turkish eggs are dashed forever.
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your freshly baked cookies. Guard them with all your might!
]]>After years of work, you will finally be invited to exhibit at the Louvre
You will accidentally shop at a fancy boutique, unaware that everything is $500. Thankfully, your taste in clothing is exceptional and you will find several items you simply cannot live without.
You will be able to hear what your pets are saying today. It will drive you crazy.
A wager awaits you, and you shall be its champion. Today is a lucky day for gambling, so lay your bets and prepare to collect your due spoils.
You'll suddenly discover that you've developed the ability to time jump.
Your smartphone will start downloading a constant stream of information about the world for no apparent reason.
Beware of rogue garden hoses conspiring to create a water park in your backyard. Grab your swimsuit and join the fun!
Your usual charm will be amplified today, use it to your advantage but try not to make any enemies.
You are a born foodie, and this year your taste buds will embark on a journey like no other. From discovering exotic ingredients to mastering mouthwatering recipes, your culinary adventures will be lauded by food critics and envy-inducing on social media.
Try to avoid spicy foods today, anyway spicy foods that you aren't accustomed to.
Today would be a great day to start learning how to knit. You can make your own sweaters and socks, and maybe even a scarf for your pet lizard.
You will stumble upon a hidden library filled with books written by time-traveling authors. Get ready for mind-bending stories!
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