Wacky Horoscopes

You will win the lottery today. Well, technically it isn't the lottery, because you've never bought a ticket. But hey, optimism!

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will accidentally unlock secret powers to electromagnetize things.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will have the strength of a thousand elephants, harness this power to accomplish everything you set out to do.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

You will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent penguin. Prepare for conversations with your tuxedo-wearing friends!

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you will imagine you feel a sharp prick of electricity in your body, you'll suddenly feel a sudden burning sensation in your left butt cheek, and will be unable to sit down for the rest of day.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

In the ever-changing landscape of technology, you will become the Tech Trendsetter. Your ability to predict the next big thing and embrace cutting-edge technology will make you the go-to tech guru.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will find a lost sock and realize it's actually a gateway to a parallel universe. Good luck finding its pair!

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

If you're feeling lonely today, consider adopting a pet. Cats are great, but so are dogs, and maybe even a lizard or a fish. Petting any animal is scientifically proven to reduce stress.