Today's Wacky Horoscopes
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What happens in Vegas today, stays in Vegas. Unless you tell everyone.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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In Japanese mythology, a half-tiger, half-girl creature was said to have walked the earth. Her name was Ayamaleya. Today, you will discover a new appreciation for hybrid animals.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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A mysterious ailment will plague you today, with symptoms including an intense itch and a persistent ringing in your ears. Don't worry, it will all disappear by midnight.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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Today you will discover that you can double your speed by rubbing your belly
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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A painful flashback of last Tuesday will haunt you but you won't remember what happened, making it difficult to explain your feelings to others.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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Today you will meet a messenger from a parallel universe. They will try to sell you a timeshare. Do not buy it!
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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Today is the day you finally discover the true purpose of that random object you've had for years. It will unlock great things. Maybe not as great as a fridge, but pretty great.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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If a seahorse tries to sell you an oceanfront cabin, run away.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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If you're unemployed, consider becoming a professional nudist today.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a hot tub time machine.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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Don't let your children use your debit card... especially not if they are away at school.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Today you will accidentally oversleep and will miss the very important meeting you were expected to attend
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar