Today's Wacky Horoscopes
-
Today, you will transform your hand into a genie lamp, granting you wishes with pure awesome power. Check if you can reverse its effects.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
-
While you may feel inclined to chirp like a bird today, it's best to keep this phenomenon confined to your daydreams.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
-
You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
-
You will dream of falling tonight but right before you hit the ground you will wake up. Unfortunately, that waking up part is just a dream and you will hit the ground hard. Hopefully you slept through that part and woke up safely in your bed.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
-
Your problems are now shrinking! It might be because you are becoming more calm, or it might be because you are actually shrinking. I'm not really sure which one it is.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
-
Today you will be visited by a famous archaeologist – but she has terrible ideas about fancy dress. Lose the mustache.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
-
If you feel compelled to start a new hobby this week, maybe choose one that doesn't involve balancing spinning plates on your head. Unless you're very good at that.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
-
You are what you eat and you have eaten only hot food, so you are hot.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
-
A bird will fall out of the sky and onto your head. It will be strangely satisfying.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
-
You might feel the urge to crawl into a shell like a turtle today. If you do, make sure it's not a literal shell, and maybe choose a comfortable one.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
-
Your car will transform into a talking unicorn and demand to be fed glitter
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
-
Wait for boiled tea with an elephant
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
