Wacky Horoscopes

You are the chosen one, and the milk has been spilled. Today you will come into your new power.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Consider seeking out a Sagittarius. Today they will be fantastic kissers.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will experience a surge in productivity

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

You will receive some incredible news today. Just make sure you don't drop your phone while you're reading it.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today, you will discover a new sense of self-awareness that will change your life forever. You will also discover that you are not alone in this universe.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

You will receive a visit from a psychic hamster who will read your fortune from a tiny crystal ball.

A stubborn calf will challenge your midday errands today. Do not attempt to reason with this calf, as reason is decidedly on the calf's side today. Eventually it will tire itself out and you can continue on your way.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today you will encounter a group of synchronized seagulls performing a water ballet at the beach.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you will accidentally pin down the secret of perpetual motion

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

It's always good to have a plan, unless you're a procrastinator, in which case it's better to not have a plan maybe.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

The bitterness you feel towards pineapples will suddenly make sense when you discover they are in fact aliens in disguise, plotting to take over the world.