Monday, August 5, 2024
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Today you will accidentally oversleep and will miss the very important meeting you were expected to attend
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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Your day will involve multiple instances of sudden and intense thirst. Seek refreshments wisely and often.
20 Apr – 20 May
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Keep a wary eye on your beer bottles today; they're harboring tiny gnomes.
21 May – 20 Jun
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You will receive a message from a friendly alien civilization via a dream.
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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You will have a dream about wooden spoons tonight. Don't worry, it's not symbolic, you just have a very active subconscious.
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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You'll pinch yourself until you feel like you're dreaming
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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Did you ever want to see a parade of turtles? Of course you did! That's why you're so excited about the one that's coming to your city this weekend!
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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When you wake up today, take a few minutes to plan something nice for yourself. Then, get right back into bed.
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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Tomorrow will be Monday. Prepare yourself mentally for the week ahead by doing absolutely nothing today. You've earned it.
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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Today you will get fired from a job you don't like doing because you were once fired from an identical job
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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You will find a four-leaf clover today, but don't rely on luck anymore. Your life is about to get ridiculously fortunate, and it's time to lean into that hard work and perseverance.
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Your attempt to speak Spanish will end with your singing it at the wrong pitch and out of tune.
19 Feb – 20 Mar
