Monday, August 5, 2024
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Today you will accidentally oversleep and will miss the very important meeting you were expected to attend
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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Your day will involve multiple instances of sudden and intense thirst. Seek refreshments wisely and often.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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Keep a wary eye on your beer bottles today; they're harboring tiny gnomes.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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You will receive a message from a friendly alien civilization via a dream.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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You will have a dream about wooden spoons tonight. Don't worry, it's not symbolic, you just have a very active subconscious.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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You'll pinch yourself until you feel like you're dreaming
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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Did you ever want to see a parade of turtles? Of course you did! That's why you're so excited about the one that's coming to your city this weekend!
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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When you wake up today, take a few minutes to plan something nice for yourself. Then, get right back into bed.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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Tomorrow will be Monday. Prepare yourself mentally for the week ahead by doing absolutely nothing today. You've earned it.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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Today you will get fired from a job you don't like doing because you were once fired from an identical job
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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You will find a four-leaf clover today, but don't rely on luck anymore. Your life is about to get ridiculously fortunate, and it's time to lean into that hard work and perseverance.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Your attempt to speak Spanish will end with your singing it at the wrong pitch and out of tune.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
