Wacky Horoscopes — Capricorn, July 26, 2024

Always follow your satnav app's directions, let it be guilty if something goes wrong.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You have a non- vulgar tattoo on your butt.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

You will accidentally unlock secret powers to electromagnetize things.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Beware of a sudden craving for purple jelly beans—it's a sign of impending silliness.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

A stranger's envy will manifest as a subconscious tendency to copy your mannerisms today. Notice this and smile, but keep your secrets.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

You are teleported into a parallel universe where every conversation ends with a question mark?

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Be cautious today, for seagulls and badgers have inexplicably switched places, and you do not want to get caught in the crossfire.

Your love life will take an unexpected turn today. Rather than flirting with potential partners, you will find yourself gravitating towards cuddly animals, like puppies and kittens. Don't dismiss these feelings - there's beauty in platonic love too.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You will discover that you are unable to lie today. This will be very inconvenient for you and those around you. On the plus side, you will quickly earn the trust of everyone you meet.