Wacky Horoscopes — Aries, April 9, 2024

Today you will be called a virgin, but you will know it's a compliment.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You have the power to be a super hero. Unfortunately you may waste it on becoming rich.

20 Apr – 20 May

You will make an impulse purchase today. It will make you feel alive.

21 May – 20 Jun

Did you ever want to see a parade of turtles? Of course you did! That's why you're so excited about the one that's coming to your city this weekend!

21 Jun – 22 Jul

You will develop an unexplained aversion to bananas and begin to spread rumours about their true nature.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Don't get discouraged if your yodelling career doesn't take off. Yodelling is a difficult and dying art form, that only a few can master.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

From nuanced Twitter exchanges to insightful forum debates, your eloquence and logical prowess will be unparalleled.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

It'll be tough, but you'll fix that hinge today.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

The best things in life are free. Especially if you stole them.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Fuck gongs

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today, you'll uncover a forgotten box of childhood keepsakes, filled with trinkets that hold sentimental value and bring a warm smile to your face.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Your favourite pair of socks will vanish into another dimension.

19 Feb – 20 Mar