Tuesday, April 9, 2024
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Today you will be called a virgin, but you will know it's a compliment.
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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You have the power to be a super hero. Unfortunately you may waste it on becoming rich.
20 Apr – 20 May
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You will make an impulse purchase today. It will make you feel alive.
21 May – 20 Jun
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Did you ever want to see a parade of turtles? Of course you did! That's why you're so excited about the one that's coming to your city this weekend!
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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You will develop an unexplained aversion to bananas and begin to spread rumours about their true nature.
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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Don't get discouraged if your yodelling career doesn't take off. Yodelling is a difficult and dying art form, that only a few can master.
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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From nuanced Twitter exchanges to insightful forum debates, your eloquence and logical prowess will be unparalleled.
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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It'll be tough, but you'll fix that hinge today.
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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The best things in life are free. Especially if you stole them.
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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Fuck gongs
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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Today, you'll uncover a forgotten box of childhood keepsakes, filled with trinkets that hold sentimental value and bring a warm smile to your face.
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Your favourite pair of socks will vanish into another dimension.
19 Feb – 20 Mar
