Wacky Horoscopes — Capricorn, March 28, 2024

You will become obsessed with font choice when writing things today.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Today you'll discover that you can breathe underwater. Your next dive will be epic.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will seek out a troll and give it a hug

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Do not fear change, be the change you want to see in the world. Unless it's your money, then you better keep an eye on it.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Steal a hen from a farm with a Sagittarius girl

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you will discover a hidden talent for knitting tiny sweaters for garden gnomes.

You will spontaneously grow a third arm today. While at first, this may be a nuisance, you will come to find that it has its own unique abilities. By the end of the day, you will be able to do everything three times as fast.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today, you receive a hard drive containing the most raunchy movies imaginable.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You will receive an unexpected windfall in the form of a large fish.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

The scent of lavender shall follow you throughout the day, lulling you into a state of calm and reassurance. Trust your instincts and follow your nose, for in this ethereal aroma lies a divine guiding force.