Tuesday, January 9, 2024
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Fuck gongs
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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You will have a strange dream about chickens running an upscale hair salon and will wake up wanting to learn more about the meaning of it all.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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Today will be a great day to start a garden. Don't worry if you lack a green thumb, because it's not actually a prerequisite.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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If someone forgets your name, gently remind them--don't let awkwardness infest the relationship like moths to a sweater!
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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Avoid adopting any more houseplants; your current ones are plotting a rebellion against your neglect.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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If you're unemployed, consider becoming a professional nudist today.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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Avoid buying a new umbrella; your fate is linked to the one you left on the bus last Tuesday.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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If you feel inclined, try to communicate with aliens today. Stay vigilant for any sightings.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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Do not look in the mirror today. At all.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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You will experience an intense desire to rename everything in your vicinity today. Instead of acting on this impulse, try to find a more productive outlet for your creativity, like writing a novel or making a funky playlist.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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You will have a dream about flying tonight. Write down your thoughts and aspirations before bed.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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A clandestine crush will reveal themselves through an ambiguous text message.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
