Wacky Horoscopes

Fuck gongs

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will have a strange dream about chickens running an upscale hair salon and will wake up wanting to learn more about the meaning of it all.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Today will be a great day to start a garden. Don't worry if you lack a green thumb, because it's not actually a prerequisite.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

If someone forgets your name, gently remind them--don't let awkwardness infest the relationship like moths to a sweater!

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Avoid adopting any more houseplants; your current ones are plotting a rebellion against your neglect.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

If you're unemployed, consider becoming a professional nudist today.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Avoid buying a new umbrella; your fate is linked to the one you left on the bus last Tuesday.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

If you feel inclined, try to communicate with aliens today. Stay vigilant for any sightings.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Do not look in the mirror today. At all.

You will experience an intense desire to rename everything in your vicinity today. Instead of acting on this impulse, try to find a more productive outlet for your creativity, like writing a novel or making a funky playlist.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You will have a dream about flying tonight. Write down your thoughts and aspirations before bed.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

A clandestine crush will reveal themselves through an ambiguous text message.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Tuesday, January 9, 2024