Wacky Horoscopes

A stray cat will adopt you as its personal masseuse. Expect purrfection.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You'll think you've found the perfect insult for someone until you realize it's directed at yourself.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Did you know your great grandfather invented beards? He did, and for that we are all grateful.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will forget something you cannot forget because you forgot to use the words not, don't, forget, couldn't, or never

Your hands possess the ability to instantly thaw frozen food, and you will use this power to revolutionize the way we consume ice cream, finally putting an end to the misery of waiting minutes for a treat to soften.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you will be followed by a trail of glitter everywhere you go.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You will have a series of minor difficulties today, but everything will be easily overcome by simply taking your shoes off.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Learn horsemanship skills to impress a Taurus rider lol

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Time to restock the birthdays.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

The longer you stare at a blank wall, the more likely it is to have something written on it.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You will encounter a group of dancing penguins who insist on teaching you their moves.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

If you ever wanted to buy a boat, now is the perfect time.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Wednesday, January 8, 2025