Wacky Horoscopes

You can never have too many pink fluffy sweaters. Consider buying some more today.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will wake up feeling a bit under the weather today. Fortunately you will receive an abundance of get well soon cards from strangers. Somehow this will not make you feel better, but at least you will know that people out there are thinking of you.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

There is no such thing as a spoon.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

A leprechaun will bring you luck today. Hopefully this luck isn't just a four-leaf clover hidden under a rock.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Make sure you take the scenic route today, the earth needs more beauty in it.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Realise an awesome ability for secretly deciphering foreign languages. Bonjour.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

If someone suggests today that you listen to Kundalini rising chant music, do it.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will receive a mysterious package containing a talking cactus.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Expect some confusion today. You will find yourself with extra potatoes but will have no idea where they came from or how to dispose of them.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will have a dream about performing surgery on an orange. When you wake up, you'll wonder if it was a dream about rebirth or just citrus agriculture. You'll probably never know the truth, so just enjoy the orange juice tomorrow morning.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Your partner is the one who will put the salad on the table in front of you today. Do not worry, they will make it a lovely one.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Tuesday, December 31, 2024