Wacky Horoscopes

Today you will realize the label shaped' doesn't exist, and that you've been mislabeling ovals as oblongs for all your adult life

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will receive a surprise delivery of 100 rubber ducks.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Follow that cute dog and angry seagull. You never know where they might lead you and you could use the adventure. Just watch out for pigeon droppings. And dog slobber.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

If someone mentions the word 'warranty' today, run. Run fast and don't look back. This is an omen of imminent danger.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

You will adopt an unusual new pet, like a stick insect or a tarantula. They will befriend your cat.

A day of alignment: your chakras, your intentions, and your ability to resist impulse purchases will converge to beneficial effect. You will find yourself in just the right place at just the right time to resist a temptation...

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will realize to your horror that you're under the influence of a psychotic kitchen utensil

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

A new sound will become popular and you will want to listen to it.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You're going to be awesome today. Unless you're not. But even if you're not, you're still going to be pretty great.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you'll discover that you can breathe underwater. Your next dive will be epic.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

The letters of the alphabet will spontaneously begin to rearrange themselves today, causing words to lose their meaning and for spoken language to take on an enchanting new melody.