Wacky Horoscopes

You will find a long-lost family member today. Maybe it will be your cousin, Bob.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

From utilizing influencer promo codes to leveraging loyalty programs, your strategic shopping and returns will inspire envy and awe.

You will have a dream tonight that reveals the secret to eternal life. Upon waking, you will forget the secret, but the knowledge will linger in your subconscious, influencing your actions in subtle ways.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will be given instruction manual to R2D2

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

A sudden gust of wind will scatter all your sticky notes around the room. It'll be surprisingly inspiring.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

The moon will ask you to be its partner.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

It's important to love yourself. So if you want to go to the gym, go. Or get a burger. It's your choice!

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Check those tags for proper cleaning instructions, some items can go weeks without a wash!

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

A group of regulators are going to come after you with a highly specialized scalpel, because they think you're dreaming too loud.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

The stars predict that you will have an unexpected epiphany while doing mundane chores. Keep that sparkle in your eyes alive!

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Your weekend's worth of planning has worked out, and you're going to have a great weekend! ...Just as soon as you've gotten over this weekend.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You will wake up feeling #blessed, but it won't last long.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Saturday, December 14, 2024