Wacky Horoscopes

It's a good day to bench press your pet.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will receive a mysterious package containing a magic wand. Practice your spells wisely.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Find a fairy altar and allow nature spirits to influence your decisions

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

You will soon be receiving good news.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

You will have the incredible ability to communicate with plants today. They will thank you for watering them and compliment you on your choice of pots.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you shall embrace your inner snail and take things at your own pace. Slow and steady wins the race, after all!

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will discover a hidden talent for juggling watermelons. Become the ultimate fruity performer!

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Your ability to avoid small talk today indicates that you are evolving spiritually.

You are destined for greatness in the world of casual insults. Your ability to deliver blistering comebacks with a deftness that would make a razor-tongued legend like Oscar Wilde envious will be unparalleled.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

If you find yourself in a Lush store this week, resist the urge to buy a bath bomb shaped like a planet. It may look pretty, but it's not worth the mess.