Friday, October 11, 2024
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Your problems are now shrinking! It might be because you are becoming more calm, or it might be because you are actually shrinking. I'm not really sure which one it is.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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Beware of mischievous badgers swapping your shampoo with hot sauce.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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An imbalance in the universe will cause you to gain four potatoes, but at the cost of losing your memory of last Tuesday.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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Today you will discover that you can't sleep anymore. You're a god now.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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Today you will be serenaded by a chorus of singing frogs during a moonlit stroll in the park.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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You will find a lost library card and will use it to borrow a stack of stolen books to read on your vacation
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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Today you'll be unexpectedly decorated with pointy ears, allowing you to attend Rave Chic parties without fear of bloodshed
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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Today is a good day to try a new recipe. If it doesn't work out, there is always take-out.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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If you've always dreamed of discovering extraterrestrial life, today could be a great day to start researching and learning about alien archaeology.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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You have a special someone in your life who truly cares about you. Except that person is a narcissistic parrot who actually doesn't give a damn about you. But you already know that.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Beware of mischievous garden gnomes plotting to steal your shoes.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
