Wacky Horoscopes

You will receive a mysterious package containing a magic wand. Practice your spells wisely.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

A talking squirrel will visit you, and will grant you three wishes, but you'll have to make them before the sun sets.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Today, you will discover an oddly shaped cloud that resembles your favourite childhood snack.

All of your dedication to improving your tennis game will finally pay off today. Keep your eye on the ball...and maybe employ some of your new Morse code communication skills with your tennis buddies to gossip about your frenemies.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Rescue is only one day away, hopefully

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

A flock of flamingos will serenade you with a chorus of your favourite songs. Enjoy the flamboyant performance!

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Your morning coffee will mysteriously taste like pumpkin spice and lavender.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But if you can't find the lemons, just drink the apple juice. It's good too.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you will encounter a mystical talking unicorn who will guide you on a journey of self-discovery.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Someone called Brian will ask you for a favor today. Feel free to lend them your ears, but not your handkerchief.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

If you can, take a sick day from work. Your boss won't even notice you're gone.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Today you operate an alarm clock that can literally straight up kill you if you don't get up within the hour

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Thursday, September 19, 2024