Wacky Horoscopes

A glitch in the matrix will occur today, prepare yourself by wearing clothing that is reversible for when you enter and exit the matrix.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will dream of being a kite today, but remember that while kites enjoy the breeze, they are also at the mercy of it.

20 Apr – 20 May

Not feeling well? Have a drink and sleep it off.

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will experience an intense psychic surge

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you'll hug a toilet. It will hug you back.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you will get extremely bored, but also extremely horny.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will decide you don't need to go to work, and will decide to stay at home instead

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Your toaster will develop a mind of its own and insist on making only smiley face toast for the entire day.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you will buy a T-shirt with a stupid slogan on it

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you will encounter a talking squirrel who will share their nutty wisdom with you. Embrace their quirky advice!

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Your bank account will suddenly have an infestation of fruit flies. They are a sign of good fortune! Don't worry!

20 Jan – 18 Feb

If someone forgets your name, gently remind them--don't let awkwardness infest the relationship like moths to a sweater!

19 Feb – 20 Mar