Thursday, September 5, 2024
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Today is a good day to stay indoors and avoid any encounters with bikers, who will unfortunately be involved in a nasty spat with the police and respond with unnecessary violence.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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Today it will take you 2 hours to make one cup of tea
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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You will find a four-leaf clover today. Don't eat it, it looks disgusting and is probably poisonous.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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You will embark on a journey to reunite with a beloved fork from your childhood.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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Have you ever dreamt of being a professional fisherman? Well, today's the day you become a boat captain!
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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Visit an alchemist for a potion
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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Today you will decide that raising kids is kinda hard.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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There is always a solution, even if you have to climb a tree to get it.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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Your door will magically turn into a portal to the robot dimension where you and I can converse via telepathy
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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You will receive an unexpected windfall in the form of a scratch ticket victory. Use these funds to purchase cupcakes, as the universe is also telling you to eat cake.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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Today you will accidentally turn your bike into a time machine
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Your improved tennis serve will lead to a newfound confidence in your ability to succeed in other areas of life.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
