Wacky Horoscopes — Sagittarius, September 1, 2024

A rival is out there. This will become a huge bummer for them.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You have a non- vulgar tattoo on your butt.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today, you will receive an inheritance of $5,000, but you will spend it all on a single lunch.

21 May – 20 Jun

Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the battle is your own bad jokes.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Have you ever wondered what's on the other side of the world? Today's the day you find out!

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Your car keys will develop the ability to teleport, leading to an exciting treasure hunt throughout your home.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you'll be recognized for your amazing detective skills, and will suddenly be recruited as a PI.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

There is a spider in your shoe.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

A fortune cookie will reveal a profound and life-changing prophecy. Take it with a grain of MSG.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

It's said that we are our own past and future. If that's the case, you should be an exceptionally good liar.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You will turn off your computer and then immediately regret it

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Have you ever wanted to be a cat? Now's your chance!

19 Feb – 20 Mar