Thursday, August 15, 2024
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Today you'll meet a politician. It'll be a boring conversation.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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Don't be alarmed if you suddenly start growing feathers. This is a mere side-effect of your confidence and attractiveness, which are on full display today.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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It's time to unleash your inner pop star! Expect to have an impromptu karaoke session with strangers and revel in the liberating power of music.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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You will dream of being a butterfly today.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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Today, you'll suddenly find yourself addicted to exotic oils from an unusual massage parlor, causing you to check the expiration dates on all your moisturisers.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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You will accidentally order way too much takeout, and it will be glorious.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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At some point today a rainbow will appear. Sadly, there is no pot of gold at the end of it. Actually there is, but it's filled with the leprechaun's literal diarrhea and is highly toxic.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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You still sleep with your teddy bear.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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You are not the sassiest person in the room.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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A full moon will appear out your kitchen window, bringing an eerie calmness to your household.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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If you are in a meeting and can't understand what everyone is talking about, it's probably because they are all speaking a made-up language invented solely for the purpose of mocking you. Shake your head in disapproval, but secretly be flattered.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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If you're feeling lonely today, consider adopting a pet. Cats are great, but so are dogs, and maybe even a lizard or a fish. Petting any animal is scientifically proven to reduce stress.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
