Wacky Horoscopes — Cancer, July 16, 2024

Your mother is coming to stay for a few days, so you better tidy up your room.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Today you will rise above the Earth's atmosphere; you will fly in a spaceship

20 Apr – 20 May

Today is a good day to get a speeding ticket.

21 May – 20 Jun

You'll suddenly realize you hate all the things you've been using to cut your hair.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Do not look in the mirror today. At all.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you will rise above the Earth's atmosphere; you will fly in a spaceship

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Dance with a librarian

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will feel compelled to move to Hawaii.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

It'll be always sunny at your house.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you will get extremely bored, but also extremely horny.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You are what you eat and you have eaten only hot food, so you are hot.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Today you operate an alarm clock that can literally straight up kill you if you don't get up within the hour

19 Feb – 20 Mar