Thursday, July 4, 2024
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Beware of mischievous rubber ducks conspiring to flood your bathroom.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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A watermelon will fall from the sky and explode on the pavement next to you, revealing a secret map of treasures hidden within the produce section of your local grocery store.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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It is said that when a narcissist looks in the mirror, they see something slightly different. You are not a narcissist. You are perfect just the way you are.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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Today you will imagine you feel a sharp prick of electricity in your body, you'll suddenly feel a sudden burning sensation in your left butt cheek, and will be unable to sit down for the rest of day.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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At some point in the future you will meet a quartz elephant in Hong Kong.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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You will get an embarrassing nickname today.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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Date after dark with a Taurus man
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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Your destiny will intertwine with that of a lost feather today. Keep your eyes peeled, and be prepared for unexpected turns and adventures.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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Today it will take you 2 hours to make one cup of tea
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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If it is sunny today, brexit means brexit
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Today you will solve the murder mystery of why Halloween is always really great
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
