Tuesday, July 2, 2024
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Your boat will crash into your house. Don't worry, you don't own a boat... right?
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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An elderly relative will give you a box of old photographs today.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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A notorious crime will have you questioning the innocence of a seemingly innocent person. Use your detective skills to uncover the truth and solve the case.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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You've never been to Canada, have you? Well, today's the day!
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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The longer you stare at a blank wall, the more likely it is to have something written on it.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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You will find an extremely low IQ alien probe lying in your own backyard, and you will abandon it
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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Today you discover a hidden talent for creating bloodthirsty zombies.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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Today you can't seem to decide what to feel
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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Today you will walk into an ancient cave, and you will feel the urge to draw a moustache on his penis
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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Today you will take a self-assessment test. The results will surprise you. They will also be wrong.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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You will have the power to hear what dogs are thinking today. You will discover that they are plotting to take over the world and you alone will know this.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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All of your candles are repayments for past debts. Enjoy the brief fluorescence.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
