Monday, May 20, 2024
-
Today you'll try to dye your hair green, but it'll come out purple.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
-
You will have an intense craving for ice cream today, no matter the temperature. Find a way to satisfy this craving in a healthy and sustainable manner.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
-
Everyone has a secret admirer. Only some have secret enemies.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
-
Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothpaste with mayonnaise.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
-
Today you will discover that you can double your speed by rubbing your belly
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
-
Talk yourself into remembering your thirty-third birthday by eating passion fruit
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
-
Today you will be asked to explain your sexual orientation, even though you are clearly too chaotic
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
-
It'll be tough, but you'll fix that hinge today.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
-
Today, someone will angrily swipe their hand across their steering wheel in frustration as they pass by the perfectly-sized parking spot you just snagged, and they'll wonder why their horoscope didn't warn them of this misfortune.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
-
The chances of rain today are directly proportional to the amount of work you've put off.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
-
You will be able to see memories as if they are floating in front of you today.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
-
Today, you'll uncover a forgotten box of childhood keepsakes, filled with trinkets that hold sentimental value and bring a warm smile to your face.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
