Wednesday, May 8, 2024
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The grass is always greener on the other side, unless you're a goat, in which case the grass is always greener on your side. Goats rock.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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You will receive some money you lost. It will be in the form of a check, and you will lose it again.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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Today you will get super bad fuel economy. The lesson is there all along.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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Today you will suddenly discover a fondness for applying eye makeup
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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Your car will transform into a sentient robot and demand a road trip.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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You will get an embarrassing nickname today.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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You have previously owned a shellsuit.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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Today, you will be filled with an overwhelming desire to roller skate. If you heed this calling, do not do so in high-heels. Rollerskating is done in rollerskates.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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You will have the uncanny ability to predict the exact moment when someone is about to sneeze.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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A talking dog will give you advice about your personal life today.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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Turn a simple tax audit into a great success
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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You will find a lost library card and will use it to borrow a stack of stolen books to read on your vacation
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
