Tuesday, April 16, 2024
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Do you want to know how the world really looks? Today, you must brave an oppressive apocalyptic future, and perhaps discover something worthwhile while you're at it.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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You're a collector of rare salts.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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Ferrets are fun but books are better
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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If you hear someone coughing behind you, don't turn around.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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Today you will buy a T-shirt with a stupid slogan on it
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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Fuck gongs
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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There are multiple reasons why your personal life has been so exhausting lately. At least one of them is that you have an abnormally high number of unpaid speeding tickets.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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Today you will realize why people always laugh at your definition of "boring"
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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Consider an afternoon nap, preferably at work
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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It might be nice to go outside, just be sure to wear sunscreen.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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You'll be visited by a squad of marshmallow soldiers intent on kidnapping your baby. Lt. Colonel Marshmallow needs your help.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
