Sunday, April 14, 2024
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Today, you're about to discover a source of major savings: surplus toilet paper.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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Beware a clan of conniving psycho clowns swapping your breakfast cereal with jelly
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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Today you will find a four-leaf clover. This will bring you immense good luck, use this luck to wish for something practical, like a year's worth of free groceries.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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Consider seeking out a Sagittarius. Today they will be fantastic kissers.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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Sometimes people say that we can't choose who we love. They're wrong. We can. We just don't make the right choice, which is the only possible problem with this plan.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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Sometimes you have to choose your battles. Today, the microwave is that battle.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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Today, you will have a strong desire to rename everything in your path. Try to resist this urge, especially if it involves changing your significant other's name to things like "Boonky-Boi the Third."
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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You will have a dream about dinosaurs tonight. Just go with it. It will be fun.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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The cafeteria's mystery meat is calling your name; indulge, and a revelation will unfold.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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The stars are aligning for you to start that podcast you've been thinking about.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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You'll get an urge to join the army. Sadly, you'll be rejected for being too nice.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Heightened senses will be yours today, enabling you to detect the aroma of onions from an adjacent apartment block. Use this power wisely.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
