Wacky Horoscopes — Cancer, April 13, 2024

Don't be alarmed when your sofa cushions start attacking you.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Today is a good day to get a speeding ticket.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will have the same dream over and over

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a disco party, complete with colorful lights and a dance floor.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Start a band called "The 9th of July".

23 Jul – 22 Aug

You have a big heart, and you should treat it with care. For example, don't use it to try and carry anvils.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Your destiny lies in mastering the art of interpretive shadow puppetry; unleash your inner silhouette artist.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Do not fear the Receptionist, for she will give you a word of the day and help you on your way.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you will try and pray to God, and will receive no answer

22 Nov – 21 Dec

If you have a problem, ask a toddler. They will have a much simpler and effective solution than you.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will have an infuriating argument with someone who has no idea what you're saying

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Don't let your children use your debit card... especially not if they are away at school.

19 Feb – 20 Mar