Thursday, April 4, 2024
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You will join a long line of people waiting to have their kale transformed into mulch.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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Today you will accidentally turn your cat into a dragon, and chaos will ensue
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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You will find a lost library card and will use it to borrow a stack of stolen books to read on your vacation
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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Do you want to know how the world really looks? Today, you must brave an oppressive apocalyptic future, and perhaps discover something worthwhile while you're at it.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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Uncover a portal to a parallel universe where con prints don't work on file cabinets.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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You will be consumed by a spontaneous and uncontrollable urge to dance today. Preferably somewhere public.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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You're an onion. You have layers.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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Today you'll try to dye your hair purple, but it'll come out pink.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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Today you will receive a divorce summons from a lawyer you now find extremely attractive, but you're not married.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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Your sense of humour is on the fritz. Have you tried adjusting your thermostat? Sometimes that fixes the problem.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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It's time to break free from the confines of social media and embrace a sense of mystery in your life.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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You are a beginner at skateboarding, but will learn surprisingly quickly. You will fall down a lot though.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
