Wednesday, February 28, 2024
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Avoid any pits or holes that appear today as they will surely be a trap set by an evil wizard seeking to enslave princesses from far away lands.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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You will wake up with a mysterious foreign object in your pocket: a smooth, black stone adorned with delicate white etchings that you don't remember picking up.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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You will have an unexpected dream about an old friend you haven't seen in years. Reach out to them and reconnect, regardless of the passage of time.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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Today you will discover the true evilness of bananas: they ripen too quickly, they spoil the rest of your fruit, and they leave streaks on your clothes. Beware of the treachery of bananas!
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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You will find a four-leaf clover, but only after you have convinced a friend that three-leaf clovers are lucky too.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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In the realm of dad jokes, you will ascend to the rank of Master of Mirth. Your expertly crafted puns will elicit groans and eye rolls, followed by a resounding chorus of laughter.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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Your friends will insist on paying for your meals today as a show of their appreciation for your friendship. Don't insist on paying; instead, order the most extravagant thing on the menu.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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An invisible halo of misfortune will surround you today, causing minor setbacks and inconveniences to occur around you at random. Wherever you go and whatever you do, a mysterious force will ensure that everything takes ten percent longer than it should.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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You will dream of falling tonight but right before you hit the ground you will wake up. Unfortunately, that waking up part is just a dream and you will hit the ground hard. Hopefully you slept through that part and woke up safely in your bed.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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You will fantasize about quitting your job to pursue your true passion, asteroid mining. Unfortunately, Pluto extraction is currently illegal and space law is notoriously difficult to navigate.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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A winged messenger brings news of greatness to you today. Accept this blessing with grace and readiness, for opportunity lingers but a moment.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Resist the temptation to upgrade your phone every time a new model is released, embrace the agony of consciousness.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
