Wacky Horoscopes

Beware of those around you. True friends will communicate in Morse code, but others may not have your best interests at heart and could lead you astray with innocent cricket clicks.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Your true friends will communicate with you in Morse code, but be wary of impostors and the occasional cricket.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

You will find a four-leaf clover today. Unfortunately, it will be radioactive. This will lead to a complicated situation that you probably don't want to find yourself in.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

From timeless classics to clever contemporary quips, your dad joke repertoire will be unmatched. Prepare to be the life of every party and the bane of everyone's humourless friend.

Your enemies are plotting your demise, again. Thankfully they are pretty inept, so you needn't worry too much. Besides, you have a secret weapon: your ability to make excel spreadsheets! Use this skill to your advantage and thwart their evil plans.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Consider an afternoon nap, preferably at work

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today is a good day to conquer your fears and try something new. If you're afraid of heights, try eating a delicious meal at a rooftop restaurant. If you're afraid of clowns, try watching a movie where they're the heroes. Conquer your fears in small doses.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will adopt an unusual new pet, like a stick insect or a tarantula. They will befriend your cat.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

At work, you may feel the need to introduce a novelty desk accessory to your colleagues. While it may not enhance productivity, it will certainly make your desk stand out.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Your life is a telenovela and you're the lead character: expect a lot of drama today.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Your presence will have an inexplicable calming effect on angry mobs, and you will find that simply by showing up, you can single-handedly diffuse tense situations, causing crowds to calmly and quietly disperse without resistance.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You will embark on a journey of self-discovery this week. Hopefully, it's not a journey involving climbing Mount Everest, because that would just be crazy.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Sunday, February 11, 2024