Friday, February 9, 2024
-
Today you will have the power of telepathy. Use it to make a duckface at that guy who cut you off in traffic.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
-
After discovering a mysterious package outside your door, you will embark on a thrilling adventure involving government conspiracies, cryptic clues, and an infectious paranoia that will bind you together with your roommates in a fight for survival.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
-
A bird will poo on you today. Don't wash it off, the luck will wash away with the poo.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
-
If you feel compelled to start a new hobby this week, maybe choose one that doesn't involve balancing spinning plates on your head. Unless you're very good at that.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
-
You will suddenly realize that you've been mispronouncing the word "jorts" all your life.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
-
You will have a dream about cows tonight and it will change your life.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
-
Be cautious today, for seagulls and badgers have inexplicably switched places, and you do not want to get caught in the crossfire.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
-
From skillfully changing the subject to gracefully excusing yourself, your aversion to small talk will inspire others to yearn for more meaningful interactions.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
-
Today you will experience an intense craving for pudding and will eat it for both lunch and dinner.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
-
Beware of rogue tumbleweeds; they hold the answers to questions you didn't even know you had.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
-
You will dream about bananas tonight, but not in the way you think. Your subconscious will seamlessly merge bananas with the idea of teamwork, and you'll dream about being part of a synchronized banana-tossing squad.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
-
Today will be a good day to try a new recipe. Consider making something you've never heard of before, like syllabub or fish molee. You might just discover a new favorite.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
