Wacky Horoscopes — Cancer, December 6, 2023

Today you operate an alarm clock that can literally straight up kill you if you don't get up within the hour

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a bag of crisps. Embark on a salty adventure!

20 Apr – 20 May

The world is your oyster, so eat it.

21 May – 20 Jun

You will make a close friend today who is also a pillow.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Are you ready for the challenge?

23 Jul – 22 Aug

You will receive a visit from a psychic hamster who will read your fortune from a tiny crystal ball.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You'll soon have to decide whether you want to be a #GBBO or a #MKR.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

The ghost of a murderer will visit you today.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Beware of rogue kittens clustering outside your window plotting evil industrial espionage

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you'll start suffering from violent gutter rages.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Don't buy any houses today. If you do, they'll be haunted.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Your attempt to speak Spanish will end with your singing it at the wrong pitch and out of tune.

19 Feb – 20 Mar