Wacky Horoscopes — Cancer, November 1, 2023

People will call you a socialist if you order a set meal at a restaurant today.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Your bad luck has run out, consider playing the lottery. This message is sponsored by the lottery.

20 Apr – 20 May

While running on the treadmill, you will suddenly fly into your ceiling.

21 May – 20 Jun

There are no shortcuts in life. Except, of course, when it comes to love. That can just go right over your head.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

You will receive a message from a friendly alien civilization via a dream.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you will rise above the Earth's atmosphere; you will fly in a spaceship

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today, you receive a hard drive containing the most raunchy movies imaginable.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Your future will be bright as you will win the lottery next week. However, you will spend it all on an automated asteroid Killer Space Laser.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Beware Party goats plotting to take over the state capitol

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Have you ever wanted to be a cat? Now's your chance!

22 Dec – 19 Jan

It might rain chocolate today.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

What's that thumping noise? It's an eastern philosophy professor on a rampage, trying to exterminate every concept in sight.

19 Feb – 20 Mar