Wacky Horoscopes — Capricorn, September 26, 2023

Realise an awesome ability for secretly deciphering foreign languages. Bonjour.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Today you will be a coward for a few moments

20 Apr – 20 May

You will encounter a group of dancing penguins who insist on teaching you their moves.

21 May – 20 Jun

There will be no chocolate in your advent calendar for the rest of the year. Sorry.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Beware of mischievous rubber ducks conspiring to flood your bathroom.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you will accidentally discover an online sketch comedy show that you're obsessed with

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You will receive a surprise visit from the Tooth Fairy, who will ask for a loan

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will be serenaded by a choir of opera-singing parrots during your morning commute. Enjoy the musical interlude!

23 Oct – 21 Nov

A flock of hummingbirds will sing you a lullaby as you take a nap in the park. Sweet dreams!

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Your hair will fall out but will grow back in a more glorious colour and texture.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will enjoy an intensely powerful orgasm, and will think you've found heaven.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Today you will learn the secret to happiness. It is to never forget your umbrella.

19 Feb – 20 Mar