Wacky Horoscopes

You will be invited to join a secret society of synchronized swimmers. Embrace the water ballet.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will eat three ice creams today. One for you, one for the road, and one for the finish line.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will be buried alive

21 May – 20 Jun

Let your friend borrow your towel, it'll dry them up emotionally.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

When you meet a new person, you have to make weird noises at them.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Don't clean your room today, the mess will be beneficial for you in the future.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Your future is so bright you'll have to wear shades. Unless you're in a cave, in which case you probably shouldn't wear shades.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

If you can, take a sick day from work. Your boss won't even notice you're gone.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

That potato salad is the best thing you've ever eaten, no questions asked.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Your favourite pair of sunglasses will mysteriously turn into x-ray glasses, allowing you to see through walls.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will realize to your horror that you're under the influence of a psychotic kitchen utensil

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You will discover a hidden talent for predicting the weather by listening to the songs of birds. Become the avian meteorologist!

19 Feb – 20 Mar