Saturday, September 2, 2023
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Your email account has been hacked. The hacker is very sorry and has returned all of your emails. They are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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Wait for boiled tea with an elephant
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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There is no way to fit that square peg into that round hole.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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Today you will have an infuriating argument with someone who has no idea what you're saying
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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It is written in the stars that you will live until you are 92 years old.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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You use the word 'Definitely' a lot.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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Today you'll find an eggplant that is so is so expensive.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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You'll become rich and famous overnight but only if you get rid of that stash of nudes in your basement.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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You will discover a hidden talent for impersonating farm animals. Get ready to moo, cluck, and oink with precision!
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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Everything you touch will turn to gold (assuming you touch non-living things).
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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Today you will try using your hands like feet when you walk
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Have you ever wondered what's on the other side of the world? Today's the day you find out!
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
