Wacky Horoscopes — Capricorn, September 1, 2023

You'll suddenly find yourself in possession of a pharaoh statue and will be stunned at the revelation of your ancient umber power.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Today you will accidentally turn your shower into a chocolate fountain. Indulge in a sweet bathing experience!

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will fart on stage at a performance and give up music forever

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will wake up super happy

21 Jun – 22 Jul

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But if you can't find the lemons, just drink the apple juice. It's good too.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Do not fear the reaper, but do fear your printer when it runs out of ink.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will forget to close your front door on your way out, and you know that you'll have to hide from the police

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will be asked to lead a team today. Choose your team wisely, as only those who truly want to can follow you into battle.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You will be audited by the IRS.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Embrace the joy of finding a hidden stash of bubble wrap that brings instant stress relief and oddly satisfying popping sounds.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Is there anything better than coming home from work to find that your partner has made you dinner? They know exactly how to take care of you.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.

19 Feb – 20 Mar