Wacky Horoscopes — Cancer, August 2, 2023

Today you will learn that it's impossible to cross your legs in the same position twice in a row

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will find a mysterious key that unlocks doors to fantastical realms. Prepare for magical encounters and thrilling quests.

20 Apr – 20 May

You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.

21 May – 20 Jun

A rival is out there. This will become a huge bummer for them.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you will happen upon an unworldly metal tree.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

You will receive a call from a number you don't recognise.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will win the lottery at least twice

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Your weekend's worth of planning has worked out, and you're going to have a great weekend! ...Just as soon as you've gotten over this weekend.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you'll accidentally turn into a mermaid every time water touches your skin. Just add water!

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you'll discover a rotating cylindrical object in your garage, leading to an exciting chase through the past.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You have a big heart, and you should treat it with care. For example, don't use it to try and carry anvils.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Today you will make a friend with a pumpkin, and will realize that it's the cutest thing ever.

19 Feb – 20 Mar