Wacky Horoscopes — Scorpio, July 31, 2023

I have seen the future and it is jeans.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

It’s not just a phase.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will decide to order Chinese food, and you'll make a great decision on what to order.

21 May – 20 Jun

A flock of flamingos will serenade you with a chorus of your favourite songs. Enjoy the flamboyant performance!

21 Jun – 22 Jul

A bird will fly into your house today. It will have a message for you.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

This is your invitation to the party. Today, any and all your pathetic excuses for why you haven't followed your dreams can finally be laid to rest.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

If you see a black raven, consider it a sign.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You have a unique talent! Use it to win the goldfish lottery.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today, you'll uncover a forgotten box of childhood keepsakes, filled with trinkets that hold sentimental value and bring a warm smile to your face.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you will accidentally pin down the secret of perpetual motion

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Attend a quinceañera with the ultimate chianti burger

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You'll find a semi-sentient cookie that will charm you with its crafty personality.

19 Feb – 20 Mar