Wacky Horoscopes — Scorpio, July 27, 2023

Try to be chill like a cucumber today.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Today you will be possessed by the spirit of a walrus

20 Apr – 20 May

Burn calories with firewise advice from a British earl

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will be thrust into a dual universe where everything is made of stone, and there will be no change

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Learn horsemanship skills to impress a Taurus rider lol

23 Jul – 22 Aug

You will accidentally unlock your talents for spontaneous self combustion. Unleash the passion within!

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Your attempt to speak Spanish will end with your singing it at the wrong pitch and out of tune.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Feel the speed of a light-bringer Libra

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you will take a self-assessment test. The results will surprise you. They will also be wrong.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Don't bother taking an umbrella with you today. It's going to be a bright and sunny day. Unless it isn't.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will get fired from a job you don't like doing because you were once fired from an identical job

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Beware of rogue pineapples plotting to take over the fruit aisle at your local grocery store.

19 Feb – 20 Mar