Wacky Horoscopes

Beware of rogue squirrels plotting to take over the world's nut supply. Stay vigilant!

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

The meaning of life is:

20 Apr – 20 May

Today, nothing bad can happen

21 May – 20 Jun

The phrase "and that's how you do it" will come in handy today.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Your favourite pair of socks will mysteriously vanish, only to reappear as a hat on a passing pigeon.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

If you don't clean your room you'll get a fungus, if you do clean your room you'll get a fungus.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will decide you don't need to go to work, and will decide to stay at home instead

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today is a good day to get a speeding ticket.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today, you will receive an inheritance of $5,000, but you will spend it all on a single lunch.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Don't be so down on yourself. A Full Moon means your spirit guide is with you, and everything will be okay.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Turkish eggs are dashed forever.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your freshly baked cookies. Guard them with all your might!

19 Feb – 20 Mar