Wacky Horoscopes

The birds are chirping, go outside and listen for a while.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Today you will experience a disturbing lack of sense of urgency upon hearing the breaking news of last year's probably nonexistent nuclear war.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will yassify the building complex central generator by accident.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Beware Party goats plotting to take over the state capitol

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Visit an alchemist for a potion

Your enemies are plotting your demise, again. Thankfully they are pretty inept, so you needn't worry too much. Besides, you have a secret weapon: your ability to make excel spreadsheets! Use this skill to your advantage and thwart their evil plans.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Rubbing your belly while running may increase your speed and induce a state of euphoria. Who needs performance-enhancing drugs when you have belly-rubbing?

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

In the world of online shopping, you will rise above the rest as an Elite Returns Ninja. Your ability to navigate the labyrinth of return policies and effortlessly exchange items will be revered by your fellow shoppers.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You'll receive a mysterious note telling you that a bold experiment is about to commence.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Wrestle with a ninja Aquarius

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You should do some kind of artistic expression today.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You will dream about bananas tonight, but not in the way you think. Your subconscious will seamlessly merge bananas with the idea of teamwork, and you'll dream about being part of a synchronized banana-tossing squad.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Wednesday, May 21, 2025