Wacky Horoscopes

It is okay to be afraid. In fact, a little fear can be good for you. unless it's a fear of velcro, in which case, seek professional help.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will finally understand what your pets are thinking and talking about. They will ask you to buy them a friend, and you will happily comply.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Your cheese consumption will rise today, blame the moon

When you check your phone today, you'll find an annoying new update waiting. Instead of procrastinating, update it immediately and then move on with your life. The world of technology waits for no one.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Realise an awesome ability for secretly deciphering foreign languages. Bonjour.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you'll start craving strawberries and meet up with your bromance partner to decorate a hay barn for a romantic picnic and CRAZY the crazy sauces and textures ARE THAT GOOD.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will stare vehemently at an animal skull, discovering you have a hidden talent of identifying graffiti artists just by looking at their art

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

That potato salad is the best thing you've ever eaten, no questions asked.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You will stumble upon a secret underground society of talking squirrels. They have a lot to say.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will receive some unexpected but much-needed rainfall today. Rather than letting it dampen your spirits, you will see it as a sign of renewed growth and opportunity. Use this metaphorical (and literal) rain as a chance to bloom and flourish.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today is a good day to stay indoors and avoid any encounters with bikers, who will unfortunately be involved in a nasty spat with the police and respond with unnecessary violence.