Wacky Horoscopes

It is okay to be afraid. In fact, a little fear can be good for you. unless it's a fear of velcro, in which case, seek professional help.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Your future is so bright you'll have to wear shades. Unless you're in a cave, in which case you probably shouldn't wear shades.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

A missed connection on public transportation will lead to a tragic unrequited love. Someone will catch your eye across a crowded bus, but they will never get off at your stop.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Tomorrow will be Monday. Prepare yourself mentally for the week ahead by doing absolutely nothing today. You've earned it.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

In an unlikely turn of events, you'll encounter a street magician whose tricks are eerily accurate in predicting your favourite dessert.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You can never have too many pink fluffy sweaters. Consider buying some more today.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today you will realize that your co-worker is a celebrity

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You will be asked to judge a beauty contest for vegetables. Do so impartially, but use your discretionary powers to reward the most ambitious entrants.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Don't get discouraged if your yodelling career doesn't take off. Yodelling is a difficult and dying art form, that only a few can master.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Believe in fate: Trust that everything happens for a reason and embrace the opportunities that come your way.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You'll try to dye your hair and discover that your hair is already dyed.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Wednesday, May 7, 2025