Wacky Horoscopes

In approximately two weeks, you will go to sleep and wake up a totally different person. This is going to be amazing!

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

What's that thumping noise? It's an eastern philosophy professor on a rampage, trying to exterminate every concept in sight.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Something you have been seeking is right under your nose. You will find it, right after you realize that you have been breathing through your nose the entire time.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

You will discover a newfound appreciation for a genre of music you previously despised.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

An elderly relative will give you a box of old photographs today.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

A stray cat will adopt you as its personal masseuse. Expect purrfection.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will decide that raising kids is kinda hard.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Try to be chill like a cucumber today.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you will realize that there is nobody dead nearest you and will instantly forget about your destiny.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today, you'll stumble upon an assortment of oddly shaped vegetables at the grocery store, inspiring creative cooking experiments.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

If someone asks you if you are a human, you should respond with "I'm not sure yet."

A strange noise will perturb you throughout the day today. Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to locate the source of this noise, and it will drive you mad. Just remember, madness is relative, and tomorrow you will likely forget all about this.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Tuesday, April 29, 2025