Monday, April 21, 2025
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Tell a joke to a desk plant and watch it grow.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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You'll suddenly be overcome by a witchy urge to play Dungeons & Dragons.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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Solar cleansing: stare at the sun and count to ten to rid yourself of today's bad luck.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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Your week is like a fine wine, and you're about to get drunk off it. But remember, a wine stain is a terrible thing to waste, so maybe have a glass or two at most.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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When you get a spray tan, your soul emerges in goldenrod.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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The grass is always greener on the other side, unless you're a goat, in which case the grass is always greener on your side. Goats rock.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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You will win the lottery.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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A chance encounter with a crab will lead to a fruitful conversation about the meaning of life and whether or not it's worth fighting about. You will not come to a definitive conclusion, but you will have a newfound appreciation for each other's perspectives.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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You will have the strongest craving for ice cream, and it will have to be satisfied with an ice cream sundae bigger than your head.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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If you feel the uncontrollable urge to howl at the moon today, try to do so in an indoor setting. Howling exorbitantly is generally better suited for wolves.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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A chance encounter with a street performer will lead to an impromptu dance-off, and you will discover an unexpected talent for breakdancing.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
